‘The Bachelorette’: Two roads diverged in a wood

The Bachelorette
June 7, 2016

Last we left our den of deep Vs and barrels of GNC protein powder, Chad the Villain had been warned by Chris Harrison to chill, and in response, Chad the Villain stomped around threatening to chop off people’s limbs. So, he clearly got the message. Chad the Villain goes back inside the house where all the other man-apes are waiting to learn his fate and is like, “‘Sup. So, I hear you babies cried to Chris Harrison about me and all I have to say about that is, you leave me alone, I won’t punch you in the face. Deal?”

Boner is like, “Uh, dude, actually no deal. You owe me an apology and a new shirt.” Chad the Villain rolls his eyes into the back of his head and promises to give Boner $20 for a new t-shirt, but he’s not going to apologize, because in Chad’s steroid-pocked brain, Boner started it. Somehow. James Taylor then steps in and tells everyone to just be cool, and everyone agrees because no one dislikes James Taylor, not even Chad the Villain who goes outside and plays with pool noodles.

This is the atmosphere that Jojo the Unicorn walks into when she arrives for her “pool party” with the boys, and for the most part the party goes well! Sure, Boner’s nose begins bleeding for no discernible reason and Rocky thinks that going swimming in his suit will help him stand out which is just kinda pitiful and desperate. But Chad the Villain keeps his hands to himself and doesn’t threaten to murder anyone for like three whole hours.

Elsewhere, Jojo the Unicorn climbs all over Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother while moaning that she can’t tell whether he actually likes her or not. Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother makes very little effort to reassure her, opting to shove his tongue down her throat instead.

Jojo also chats with Chad the Villain, who admits that he was rude to Boner when Jojo gave him the group date rose, but hear him out! He had a reason! Which was: “That guy? Him? Really? Does he even have muscles?”

And that’s when Boner decides to interrupt to ask for time with Jojo the Unicorn. Look, Boner is not going to win this thing, but I think we can all agree that he deserves some sort of prize for being willing to constantly troll the hell out of the season’s worst contestant. You are a hero, sir.

lucille-applause-clap-arrested-development

 

Later, while Chad the Villain lurks nearby, Jojo the Unicorn talks with Charlie Brown’s Teacher who tells her, “WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH, WAH WAH WAH WAH.” Jojo the Unicorn is all, “ZOMG, you moved out of the room you shared with Chad the Villain because he scared you?” Charlie Brown’s Teacher replies, “WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH.” And Jojo the UNicorn is positively shocked! to learn that the other men in the house were so threatened by Chad the Villain that they asked for a security guard to be put in place. Shocked!

Chris Harrison arrives and orders everyone to go get ready for that evening’s rose ceremony. After Chris Harrison leaves, Chad the Villain demands to speak to Charlie Brown’s Teacher privately, where he proceeds to growl at him for discussing him with Jojo the Unicorn. “Look, whatever guy stole your girlfriend or whatever, it wasn’t me,” Chad the Villain begins diplomatically, before making fun of Charlie Brown’s Teacher for watching the show before being on it and thinking that Jojo is pretty. “WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH,” answers Charlie Brown’s Teacher, and Chad the Villain is like, “Whatever, just keep my name out of your mouth.”

Rose ceremony time: line up, dude protein shakes.

Rose #1: Fireman Grant
Rose #2: Charlie Brown’s Teacher
Rose #3: Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother
Rose #4: Cowboy Luke
Rose #5: Fun Robby
Rose #6: All-4-Wells
Rose #7: Rocky
Rose #8: Toasted
Rose #9: Lucifer
Rose #10: G.I. Joe
Rose #11: Chad the Villain

So, goodbye Santa: Chad the Villain beat you. Goodbye, Ali. Chad the Villain, he beat you. And goodbye, Mr. Intensity. Chad the Villain, somehow he beat you, too.

unicorn boy bye

With that, Jojo the Unicorn announces the man-apes have done enough damage to the McMANsion, it’s time to leave forever.

When we next join them, what exotic location are they in, but … the outskirts of Pittsburgh?

andy cohen is confused

Look, my husband is from Philadelphia and I’ve driven across the state multiple times — Pennsylvania is lovely. But is it Thailand or the Bahamas or South Africa or the Swiss Alps? NO, IT IS NOT. No. It is not.

Anywhos, everyone is taken to some resort on the outskirts of Pittsburgh, where the first date card is delivered: “Cowboy Luke: Dog, I like you very mush. Jojo the Unicorn.” I have a question: how long do you think a production assistant on this show is forced to do pun duty before they burn out? A season of Bachelor and Bachelorette each? Half a season? Two episodes?

hader-meltdown-snl-shock

So Jojo the Unicorn and Cowboy Luke go on an insufferably boring date that despite the date card involves dogs for only a half a second. They then chop wood before sitting in a hot tub where they don’t talk. Later, they have dinner where Jojo the Unicorn forces Cowboy to talk about his military past and she offers him the date rose before heading to some theater where some band we’ve never heard of plays contemporary country music and they dance.

Back at the resort, Chad the Villain hangs out in the hot tub wearing a bathing suit with a leather belt like he’s your 70-year-old uncle, all the while monologuing about how Jojo the Unicorn is “saving [him] for last” and talking about how the other men shouldn’t “poke the Chad bear.”

Meanwhile, the next date card arrives: “Charlie Brown’s Teacher; James Taylor; Lucifer; Yab Yum; All-4-Wells; Toasted; Rocky; Boner; Fireman Grant; Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother; Fun Robby: We could go all! the! way!” The men are able to do some quick math and having seen this show before realize that the last date will probably be the dreaded 2-on-1 featuring G.I. Joe and Chad the Villain or, “THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN OF GOOD VS. EVILLLLLLL!!!!” as all the men are promoting it.

But first we have to get through this stupid football-themed group date. The man-herd is dropped off at Heinz stadium where the are greeted by Jojo the Unicorn and NFL player, Ben Roethlisberger. You know, the Ben Roethlisberger who was temporarily suspended by the NFL for violating “personal conduct policy,” after being accused of rape and sexual assault. THAT Ben Roethlisberger.

What.

Accused Rapist Ben Roethlisberger is also joined by Hines Ward and Brett Keisel but WHO CARES BECAUSE ACCUSED RAPIST BEN ROETHLISBERGER. SOMEONE AT THE BACHELORETTE THOUGHT BRINGING ACCUSED RAPIST BEN ROETHLISBERGER ON THE SHOW TO GIVE JOJO ROMANTIC ADVICE WAS A GREAT IDEA.

LINE UP, PRODUCERS:

tina-fey-liz-lemon-30-rock-youre-all-fired

~deep cleansing breath~

Accused Rapist ben Roethlisberger and the others make the man-apes run through football drills, and James Taylor manages to get himself injured. And that plus Boner’s nosebleeds, my friends, is the extent of the: “OH MY GOD, YOU’RE BLEEDING!” we heard and saw on the promos which were edited to suggest that something much more dramatic and Chad-related would happen on this episode. I see you’re up to your old tricks, ABC Promotional Department.

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Then Accused Rapist Ben Roethlisberger sends the man-apes back to the locker rooms to suit up, because they are going to do the thing where they split into two teams and play a sportsball and whoever wins BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Blue Team: Toasted, James Taylor, Boner, Fun Robby and Charlie Brown’s Teacher

White Team: All-4-Wells, Yab Yum, Lucifer, Rocky, Fireman Grant

The winner: Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother who served as the quarterback for both sides and had an automatic pass to the afterparty no matter who won. (And as it turns out, the blue team won, even after yet another spontaneous nosebleed from Boner.)

At the afterparty, Jojo the Unicorn makes out on a pool table with Fun Robby, who I really have a hard time telling apart from Yab Yum who I have a hard time telling apart from Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother:

photoc ollage bros bachelorette
Nope. No idea which is which. I think it’s the dumb hair that they are all going to regret five years from now.

Jojo then tells Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother, AGAIN, that she still can’t tell if he actually likes her or not, so he is all, “GAH, I LIKE YOU ALREADY, COME ON,” before shoving his tongue back down her throat. She offers him the date rose. Fun Robby pouts.

Back at the resort, Cowboy Luke spends some quality bro time with Chad the Villain and G.I. Joe while the rest of the man-apes are being yelled at by Accused Rapist Ben Roethlisberger. And by “quality bro time,” I mean Chad and G.I. Joe grunt insults at one another while Cowboy Luke stares impassively into space.

Later, the white team returns to the resort a bunch of losing losers in time to receive the last date card: “Chad the Villain and G.I. Joe: Let’s get lost. HEART SYMBOL! Jojo the Unicorn.” Sadly, this date card does not mean that Jojo is going to take Chad the Villain and G.I. Joe to a mysterious island and feed them to a smoke monster, but it does mean that at the end of their date, only one man will receive a rose while the other will be unceremoniously sent back home.

After the card is read, Cowboy Luke decides, for reasons unclear, to poke Chad the Villain, and asks him what Jojo the Unicorn should know about him that might make her want him to keep him around. Chad the Villain grunts that he doesn’t know which sets Fireman Grant off, complaining that Chad the Villain only has these two word answers to all of their questions. This quickly devolves into Chad the Villain demanding to know who in the house has a problem with him, and then challenging them to all go outside to settle it there. No one takes him up on his offer, because, reasonably, no one wants to get thrown off the show for getting into a fist fight with a roided-out rage ape.

The next morning, the men are sitting around waiting for the date to happen, and Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother notes that while G.I. Joe will probably win the date rose, there’s a chance that Chad the Villain will perform whatever Jedi mind trick he uses on Jojo the Unicorn that has kept him around this long. Chad the Villain happens to overhear the group talking about him and calmly walks into the living room, explains that there has clearly been some sort of miscommunication between himself and the rest of the men, and asks if they could put their differences aside for now and let the best man win.

HAHAHAHAHA, of course that’s not what happens. What actually happens is that in front of all the other men and the cameras, Chad the Villain storms into the room and tells Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother that one day this show will end and if Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother doesn’t think Chad the Villain won’t find out where he lives and come to his house, he’s got another think coming.

calm down beyonce

And that’s when the helicopter arrives to hopefully take Chad the Villain out of everyone’s life forever and ever, amen.

The helicopter deposits G.I. Joe and Chad the Villain in the middle of a forest, where Jojo the Unicorn greets them and hands them backpacks and orders them to march into the woods. Hiking through the woods, hiking through the woods, hiking through the woods … OMG, THIS IS LOST.

JUST HAND THEM BOTH OVER TO THE OTHERS OR FIND A POLAR BEAR TO FEED THEM TO AND GET OUT OF THERE, JOJO.

Instead, as they march along, Chad the Villain monologues about how G.I. Joe doesn’t have a chance, no one in the house has what he has with Jojo; and G.I. Joe monologues that Chad the Villain is a fake, “disingenuine” person — as disingenuine as the word “disingenuine.”

They make their way to a river where they spread out a blanket and then awkwardly sit there staring off at nothing for a while. Eventually, Jojo the Unicorn invites G.I. Joe to go talk in the woods, but Chad the Villain isn’t worried — no one “buys the first house they look at,” he assures the cameras, before also promising to “take G.I. Joe’s teeth home with him” if he talks about Chad the Villain to Jojo.

And of course the first thing Jojo the Unicorn wants to talk about with G.I. Joe is Chad the Villain. After protesting that he doesn’t want to spend his time with her talking about other people, G.I. Joe lets her know that Chad the Villain is a fake faker who threatens people on a regular basis. He then tells her that right before they left for this very date, Chad the Villain threatened to go to Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother’s house when the show is over and beat him up. And because it was Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother that Chad the Villain threatened, our clear frontrunner, suddenly EVERYTHING CHANGES, and Jojo begins to take this seriously. THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

She asks Chad the Villain to come talk, and informs him that she heard about a threat to Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother, is this true? Chad the Villain stammers that he’s not an aggressive guy, but Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother “pushed” him, what was he supposed to do, not threaten to stalk him to his home and do God knows what to him? When isn’t violence the final answer, Jojo?

Jojo the Unicorn has heard just about enough, and sends him away to contemplate her decision. On the one hand: Chad the Villain has roughed up people in the house, and threatened to hunt others down and beat them; on the other hand: Chad the Villain’s mom died. DILEMMA.

For his part, Chad the Villain returns to the waiting rock and tells G.I. Joe that he’s not mad at him … just disappointed. “Life’s not all blueberries and paper airplanes,” he wistfully says.

new-girl-jess-confused-puzzled-question-mark-what-huh

Chad the Villain then tells G.I. Joe it’s “unfortunate” he can’t hurt him right now, before talking about milk and its relative deliciousness? But, like, in a really threatening way?

new-girl-jess-confused-puzzled-question-mark-what-huh

They then end their discussion by agreeing that, “the hay’s in the barn, dude,” and “the pigs are in the castle.”

new-girl-jess-confused-puzzled-question-mark-what-huh

What just happened, y’all? I have no idea what just happened. Milk? Pigs? Accused Rapist Ben Roethlisberger? What is this episode?

Jojo the Unicorn finally returns and she finally offers G.I. Joe the date rose and she finally tell Chad the Villain to pack his protein powder and get out of here.

unicorn boy bye

And that should have been the end of that!

It’s not. Instead, as she and G.I. Joe enjoy a little snuggle time in a cabin somewhere, the rest of the man-herd literally break out in cheers as Chad the Villain’s suitcase is removed from their suite, and pass around tequila. Hooray! Our long steroid-induced nightmare is over!

But as everyone is snuggling and chugging, scary music plays as Chad the Villain stalks around out in the woods whistling, eventually finding his way back to the men’s hotel room where he knocks on the door and menacingly scrapes on the glass.

To be YET AGAIN continued! But not next week, because they are taking a week off to rebroadcast that Bachelor at 20 special that I refuse to recap much less watch. So, why did we air this episode this week? Why not just air it … next week? In its regular timeslot? Instead of a dumb rerun?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON’T CARE. I’LL SEE YOU IN TWO WEEKS.

milk's delicious bachelorette chad

 

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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