The Real Housewives of Dallas
April 25, 2016
Brandi’s husband Bryan packs his bags for yet another business trip, where he will be doing very important business things. Still don’t know what. Still don’t care enough to spend .8 seconds doing a Google search to find out. The point is, Brandi is sad that he travels so much leaving her alone with their ginger children, two tiny purse dogs and a lot of bad ideas.
For instance: as soon as her husband leaves town, Brandi’s pouring champagne down Stephanie and Cary’s gullets and convincing them to celebrate the bachelorette party Cary never had for any of her three marriages at a strip club (La Bare, to be exact, and not “Little Bear” as written, hilariously, in the captions at one point). There, the ladies guzzle vodka tonics until Brandi stumbles up to the stage and begins swinging herself around the tree trunk-esque dancers and showing off some of the same moves she was teaching That Marie Person’s daughter last week.
Needless to say, there is much “woo”-ing.
However, we learn later while watching Brandi and Stephanie’s children careen around in one of those little drivable toy cars, trying to get themselves hit in traffic, that Brandi’s husband was none too pleased that Brandi
filmed herself at went to a strip club, and worried how it would impact his business. Whatever that may be.
Later, Brandi’s mother comes by her house to help out with the kids, and by “help out with the kids” I mean “make a pitcher of Bloody Marys.” And with that, Brandi’s Mom instantly becomes my favorite. Girl’s got her priorities in order. Brandi mentions that her grandfather, Brandi’s Mom’s father, sent her daughters a gift recently, which is unusual in that she never had a relationship with the man. Brandi grew up believing that her grandfather disowned her mother for getting herself knocked up at 15. Brandi’s Mom is like, “Yeaaaaaah, that’s not entirely accurate,” before going on to explain that she actually stopped talking to her father when her parents got divorced. And now, Brandi’s Grandfather would like to be a part of all of their lives again, pretty please, so why don’t we just add some more vodka to that pitcher already.
Eventually, Bryan comes home, having finished businessing very important business, and things are so tense between Bryan and Brandi that I can actually hear the divorce attorneys drawing up the papers. Brandi mentions that she and her mother intend to have a reunion with her long-estranged grandfather, but Bryan could not care less. “Cool. I just remembered I have a business call to take about business,” he announces, before scurrying out of the
Meanwhile, LeeAnne is busy wrapping presents she bought for Officer Boyfriend to give to his daughter for her birthday. To celebrate, Officer Boyfriend and LeeAnne take his daughter out for dinner where they grill her about her boyfriend and driving and then LeeAnne starts whining again about how she wants to get married. LOL, good luck with that.
Later, Tiffany swings by LeeAnne’s house for a midday tumbler of iced Chardonnay, and to do a post-mortem on the Mad Hatters luncheon. BREAKING NEWS: LeeAnne thought Brandi’s poop hat was “inappropriate.” Tiffany, however, waves it off as being “funny fee.”
So, I’m from Houston, and maybe not down with Dallas lingo, but what does “funny fee” mean? I thought that maybe I misheard, but then she uses this expression again later in the episode. Can someone from Dallas please explain to me what “funny fee” even means?
LeeAnne insists that she’s just concerned for Cary and Stephanie, because in Dallas society whom you associate with can make or break your reputation. Now, maybe in a big trashy city like Los Angeles or New York you could get away with running around all over town in a poop hat, but this is Dallas, honey, and that kind of thing just will not stand. Then LeeAnne worries about Brandi’s ginger daughters: it is just such a shame those girls will grow up with no class.
Later, we are “treated” to some of Keith Urban Jr.’s music. Tiffany interrupts him to announce that she has a great idea: she’s going to throw a charity event, you know, for whatever, and he’ll provide the live entertainment. She explains to the cameras that she’s only been back in Dallas for about a year and a half, and that this will expand her friendship circle beyond LeeAnne and help people get to know her better than just being “the young thing with the hot husband.”
We also learn that Tiffany is a “lifestyle vlogger” because of course she’s a “lifestyle vlogger,” of course she is. OF COURSE SHE IS. In any event, she interviews Cary about her wardrobe for her vlog, only to learn that Doctor Husband is actually the curator of Cary’s entire closet. In fact, Doctor Husband says things like, “I love the prints, there’s just a richness to it,” and “the cashmere is gorgeous; just look at the yarn they use here, it’s multiple colors…” And I’m not saying anything about Doctor Husband’s sexuality, I’m not, but I will say that Cary spends a lot of time on the episode of Watch What Happens Live that follows this episode insisting that Doctor Husband JUST CAN NOT GET ENOUGH OF HER LADY PARTS.
The couples then drink some post-vlogging wine. Tiffany demands that Doctor Husband remove her non-existent chin waddle before sharing her meet cute story with Keith Urban Jr. Seems they met through friends in Los Angeles, but Keith Urban Jr. was dating someone else. A year later they were walking down the street and randomly bumped into one another and were married within four months. And now you know these things and you will never unknow them.
Then there’s a boring interlude wherein Tiffany “helps” LeeAnne sort some clothes she’s planning on giving away, mostly as a means so LeeAnne can announce her intention to school Cary and Stephanie on the niceties of Dallas society. Rule number one: Do not affiliate with people who wear poo on their heads. Oh, and Tiffany says “funny fee” again as if it actually means something.
Finally, we have the episode’s obligatory confrontation scene. Stephanie and Cary meet LeeAnne for lunch; LeeAnne explaining in an interview that Tiffany wants to be friends with these ladies, so she needs to explain to them
that they need to ditch Brandi first how the charity scene works. LeeAnne begins by passing out printed copies of a blog post about the event that furiously clutches its pearls over Brandi’s hat. And LeeAnne might have had a point that the Dallas society world was outraged by the hat and the fake poop if she hadn’t so blatantly ghost written the piece herself. Quelle horreur indeed!
In her most condescending voice, LeeAnne patiently explains to the women that there is an appropriate way to behave at charity events, and walking around with fake poop on one’s head is not it. There were elderly ladies at the Mad Hatter luncheon! ELDERLY! LADIES! And they had to see fake poop! — which LeeAnne then pulls out and places on the table. You don’t become a Real Housewife if you don’t know the proper use of props, y’all.
Stephanie and Cary argue that worrying about who is wearing what on their heads takes attention away from the cause itself, and besides, they don’t care what people think. But LeeAnne insists that this is about being “proper” before announcing, “My reputation is I’m fun as the day is long, but if you bow at me, I’m going to bow back,” (???) before growling, “I don’t back down. BOW AT ME.”
Alright, guys, is there some sort of Dallas to English dictionary out there? Does Google Translate include Dallas as one of its languages? Because what the hell does “bow at me” even mean? WHERE ARE THESE EXPRESSIONS COMING FROM?
After threatening Cary to “bow at” her, LeeAnne explains that she doesn’t actually care what Brandi wears on her head as long as it doesn’t interfere with her ability to raise money for the charity. Stephanie protests that she doesn’t care if the old biddies LeeAnne is so worried about think Brandi is good enough to hang out with them, Brandi is her friend and that’s that. But LeeAnne argues that as Brandi’s elder, she deserves Brandi’s respect.
Cary then informs LeeAnne that she is not actually a member of Dallas society, that is something that you have to be born into or be worth a billion dollars. And LeeAnne is just some carnie kid. This is enough to drive LeeAnne away, gathering her evidence and fake poop and going home in an indignant snit. “I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP THEM,” she huffs, “I WAS JUST GIVING THEM THE 411, OR 911, OR WHATEVER. FAKE POOP, WELL, I NEVER.”
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs on Bravo on Monday at 9 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.