‘The Real Housewives of Dallas’: Scat hat

The Real Housewives of Dallas
“Mad as a Hatter”
April 18, 2016

As we are reminded, Brandi used to be a cheerleader — a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, naturally — so who better to teach that Marie person’s 7-year-old daughter how to dance? And by “dance” I mean bending over and rolling your hips and throwing your hair around like you’re in Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” video. You know, exactly the kind of “dancing” you’d want your second grader to learn.

But really Brandi is at this Marie person’s home to apologize for using Marie’s “No Tie” charity event to stage a big fight scene with LeeAnne for their new reality series. This Marie person insists that LeeAnne is not that bad, and that she has a terrific sense of humor and that she and Brandi should bond over this. LULZ. OK.

After a long day of tattooing nipples on ladies, Cary comes home to a meal prepared for her by Dr. Husband and we learn two things about this pair: Dr. Husband was 80 pounds heavier before they were a couple (65 pounds of which was hair) and they have a daughter??? They have a two-year-old daughter whom they unfortunately named Zuri? Doesn’t that seem like something that should have been mentioned in the first episode? Zuri speaks Swiss/German (also known as German), Spanish and English because Cary and Dr. Husband are the type of parents who think their barely verbal child is trilingual.

Elsewhere, LeeAnne and Tiffany visit some designer who is making LeeAnne’s hat for the upcoming “Mad Hatter’s Luncheon” benefitting the Dallas Arboretum, and is, according to LeeAnne, THE CHARITY EVENT OF THE SEASON. I suspect we’ll hear that about fifteen more times this season.

Anyway, this designer made LeeAnne’s winning hat the year before which was basically a Carnival dancer’s headdress but less subtle. This year, he plans on putting a giant beige rose on her head and call it a day, and LeeAnne loves it. “It’s very Chanel,” her designer claims and she is like, “YES IT IS.” (It is not. It very is not.)

Meanwhile, Brandi takes a different approach to her hat for the party, and makes her own out of a bunch of moss, netting, toilet paper, a plunger, toy dogs, plastic turds and a glue gun. As she explains to Stephanie, the theme of the hat is “EFF YOU CHARITY LADIES”  “Triumph the Insult Comic Dog” “Poop in the Park.”

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Before we move on, can we discuss how this hat bears ABSOLUTELY NO RESEMBLANCE to the one Brandi ends up wearing to the gala? What happened to this hat? #HATTRUTHER #FREETHEHAT

 

Stephanie explains that while she thinks Brandi’s hat is funny (but is it? is it really?), she’d never get away with such a thing because she’s the one “in charge of charitable contributions for [her] family,” and not because she doesn’t have the self-confidence (or sheer lack of self-awareness) to go on TV with a bunch of fake poop taped to her head.

Stephanie then reveals to Brandi that she wrote LeeAnne an email basically apologizing to her for “ganging up” on her at that Marie person’s party and claiming that the whole thing was a misunderstanding. LeeAnne wrote her back that Brandi attacked her and doesn’t want to have anything to do with her for fear she’ll make “accusations” about her again. Now, I don’t remember what Brandi accused her of, but in any event, Brandi does not think any of this is cute.

bitch don't come for me

Elsewhere, LeeAnne, Tiffany, Keith Urban Jr. and Officer Rick grill together, where they discuss the intricacies of inseminating cows (surprisingly, it is none of the Texans who bring this up), the “best legs” contest that Officer Rick won this one time, and the fact that LeeAnne and Officer Rick are never ever ever ever EVER getting married, not ever. Also, too, we learn that Tiffany and LeeAnne were Frederick’s of Hollywood models together back in the day.

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I’m guessing Tiffany met Keith Urban Jr. at an “International Male” catalog shoot.

Speaking of never getting married, Tiffany and Keith Urban Jr. discuss settling down in Dallas and buying a house, a plan that Keith Urban Jr. is worried will interfere with his big goals of recording five albums in ten years and never settling down in Dallas. Tiffany is undeterred by Keith Urban Jr.’s complete disinterest in staying in Texas, and drags him to go look at an “L.A.-style house” (i.e. a modernist home with much sharper edges than your typical Housewives’ rococo nightmare of a McMansion). Keith Urban, Jr. is like, “I reckon it’s a beaut, but you’ve got a Buckley’s chance of gettin’ me to stay in Texas, Sheila. Now let’s go drink some Fosters; it’s your shout, mate.” Or something like that.

Before the big poop hat party happens, Brandi hosts a tea party for her mother’s birthday, enlisting her two small ginger daughters to help her make a chocolate cake which she describes as looking like “poop” some fifty-thrively times. Because the word “poop” had not been said nearly enough in this episode. Stephanie is invited to the tea party, which gives the women an opportunity to discuss how their husbands work so hard and are never home, they’re just so busy doing … something. Still a mystery.

Anyway, the tea party is uneventful, other than Brandi’s poor mother’s obvious discomfort either with being on national television or listening to her daughter talk about how she was 15 years old when she had her or maybe some combination of both. If Mrs. Brandi’s Mother could curl into a tiny ball and die right at this moment, she certainly would.

And then sometime later Brandi and Stephanie put on fur coats and spray wasps’ nests which is just how we do in Texas.

Finally, this “Mad Hatter” luncheon, a.k.a. THE charity event of the season. Brandi and her very different — but still obnoxious — hat arrive to pick up Stephanie who opts to wear a boring cloche that doesn’t even go with her dress. YAWN.

Upon arriving at the luncheon, Brandi is approached by a number of people who tell her that they just LOOOOOOVE her hat, but in that particular Southern way that could either mean they are being completely insincere or are very sincerely amused in a smug, superior kind of way.

Meanwhile, Tiffany informs LeeAnne that Brandi has arrived in a hat filled with dog poop and LeeAnne is SHOCKED, JUST SHOCKED, Y’ALL.

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Oh, like you have room to judge with that tacky thing on your head, girl.

Eventually, Brandi takes off her poop hat on account of it weighing as much as she does, and while visiting with Tiffany, LeeAnne and this Marie person, relays a story about how one of her poops fell off of her hat in the bathroom and rolled under some lady’s stall. Everyone tightens their already tight faces disapprovingly.

Brandi shrugs it off and heads over to her own table, where she tells her friends that her story was not well-received. In an interview, Stephanie points out that at least Brandi brought a little humor to the event, and if anyone has a problem with her hat they can go fork themselves. And just as she says this, you can actually the very rusty cog slowly turn in her brain as she says out loud, “I probably shouldn’t have said that.” Oh, honey, if that’s the worst you’ve got, reality TV is going to chew you up and spit you out.

Back at the poop hat luncheon, Cary and Stephanie come up with the HI-LARIOUS idea to take one of Brandi’s plastic poops and, while distracting Tiffany with a conversation about the last time she had a carb (3 months ago, for the record) leave said poop on LeeAnne’s chair. LOL GOOD ONE. However, when LeeAnne returns to her table, she is disgusted rather than amused, despite her famous sense of humor.

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The Real Housewives of Dallas airs on Bravo on Monday at 9 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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