‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Moulin Eww

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Backwards in Heels”
February 2, 2016

We begin the episode with Kyle swinging by PINK HOUSE for a spot of Vandertea and shade. Seems Lisa Vanderpump has some choice words for Kyle for not letting her know ahead of time that The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick would be attending Kyle’s “barbecue.” (NOT A BARBECUE.) Kyle’s response: “get Vanderover it.” Lisa Vanderpump points out that Kyle would not have been amused if Lisa had Vanderinvited “Witchy-Poo” to an event.

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Which reminds me, what would it take to bring Carlton back, Producers? All we have to do is get rid of Eileen, and then you can bring back an interesting Housewife. Let’s do it!

Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump are throwing a joint anniversary party for Kyle and Mauricio’s 20th wedding anniversary and Lisa Vanderpump and Grandpa Ken’s Vander33rd. Before they head out to check out the venue, Kyle warns Lisa Vanderpump that The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick has been invited to this party, too. Is that heads-up enough? “GOODY BLOODY VANDERGUMDROPS,” Lisa Vanderpump actually says.

I don’t think she means it.

The pair go to the Culver Hotel where their “Moulin Rouge”-themed party …

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… will be held.

OH BROTHER.

The hotel is lovely, but on the smallish side, and Lisa Vanderpump suggests that maybe Kyle should make some cuts *cough* The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick *cough* to her guest list. Kyle is not interested.

Over in Malibu, Yoyawnda and Erika go for a walk on the beach together — Yoyawnda’s first in nearly a year. There, Erika reveals to Yoyawnda that at the “barbecue” (NOT A BARBECUE) Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump were questioning whether or not Other One and Boy Child, whosetheirfaces, actually have Lyme Disease. Yoyawnda, unsurprisingly, is OUTRAGED! It’s one thing to question her illness, but to drag her children into it is UNACCEPTABLE. And speaking of questioning Yoyawnda’s illness, she reveals that she spoke to Lisa Rinna earlier in the day to make plans to discuss how Lisa Rinna discussed discussing Yoyawnda’s illness.

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But! Before Lisa Rinna and Yoyawnda get together to discuss how Lisa Rinnadiscussed discussing Yoyawnda’s illness, Lisa Rinna goes over to Erika Girardi’s manse to discuss with her how she is going to discuss with Yoyawnda how she discussed discussing Yoyawnda’s illness.

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Erika tells her she needs to do it. End scene.

But can we discuss for a hot second how Erika Girardi apparently lives in PASADENA? First Malibu and now PASADENA? Does anyone working for Bravo have the slightest grasp of geography because neither of these cities are anywhere near Beverly Hills much less each other. Each of these cities are literally an hour from one another. This would be like if “The Real Housewives of West University” had cast members living in The Woodlands, Galveston and, well, Pasadena.

Pasadena. Come on.

Later, Lisa Rinna drives another hour to go visit Yoyawnda in her condo, wherever that even is, where she offers Yoyawnda a bottle of wine (like she’s going to drink THAT) and a mea culpa. Lisa explains that she found herself in a conversation with someone about Yoyawnda’s condition, and this someone brought up the word Munchausen. When Lisa Rinna looked up “Munchausen” she felt bad about having the conversation in the first place. But instead of just burying it deep inside of her and forgetting it ever happened, she brought up how bad she felt about having the conversation while being filmed with Lisa Vanderpump, Kyle and Eileen, and now she feels bad for that. So Lisa Rinna apologizes for having a discussion about having a discussion about Yoyawnda’s illness, and Yoyawnda basically just rolls her eyes and is like, “Fine. Whatever.”

In much more boring news, Kathryn and her husband work out, and talk about The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick. But not in any interesting kind of way; more in a “OOOH, I REALLY DON’T LIKE THAT MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK,” kind of way. Noted.

Oh, and Erika takes singing lessons in an attempt to convince us that she’s a “singer.” LOL SURE OK.

Finally, this “Moulin Rouge” party, which is mostly an excuse for a bunch of perimenopausal women to prance around in leotards, fishnets and, for some reason, tiny little top hats.

Everyone arrives at the party, but for Yoyawnda who reasonably has no interest in tottering around in a bustier and stipper heels to celebrate Kyle and Maruicio being married for 20 years. In attendance: The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick in a ringmaster costume, Camille, and the long-dead mermaid ghost of Taylor.

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Other things that happen at this nightmare party:

1. Kathryn orders Erika to never use the “c” word ever again.

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2. Erika declines.
3. Lisa Vanderpump and The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick exchange tight smiles.
4. Everyone meets this Donnie person.
5. Kyle does the splits for no good reason.
6. Twice.
7. Taylor collects souls for her underwater kingdom of the dead.
8. Lisa Rinna talks about her 20-year-old hairstyle.

Finally, Kyle, for reasons, points out to Kathryn that The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick is in attendance, and Kathryn is all, “WELL LET ME JUST GIVE YOU A PIECE OF MY MIND ABOUT THAT.” She then proceeds to read Kyle the riot act about how The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick wrote about her and dragged her into the entire OJ fiasco, not to mention the whole distasteful business of The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick capitalizing on the brutal murder of her best friend. Kyle does not respond, choosing instead to berate Lisa Vanderpump for not sticking up for The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick as if 1. Lisa Vanderpump doesn’t herself Vanderhate The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick and 2. any of this involves Lisa Vanderpump in any fashion.

And all of this might be taken a lot more seriously if everyone involved weren’t wearing baby prostitute costumes and top hats designed for chihuahuas.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.

This post first appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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