‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: ZOMGBBQWUT

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Busted BBQ”
January 26, 2016

Apparently, Grandpa Ken has it in his head that the Vanderpump empire needs to expand into the “English pub” business. To this end, he has taken out a lease on a space that is currently occupied by a sex toy shop, supposedly without consulting with his wife first, but I’m not buying it. Grandpa Ken and Lisa Vanderpump wander around the store, playing with vibrating ducks and horse whips and pretending to be Vanderscandalized, but I’m not buying that either. The point is: Lisa has a new Vanderbusiness and she doesn’t seem particularly happy about it.

We are reintroduced to this new Kathryn woman by joining her and her husband, Donnie, on a visit to her “personal jeweler.” What, you don’t have a personal jeweler? Plebian. So, Kathryn tries on a bunch of outrageously expensive jewelry while her husband nervously mumbles about the kitchen renovation they’re doing on their other home in San Diego, and we learn Kathryn and Donnie do not have children and that she only flies first class. DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT PUTTING HER IN BUSINESS, YOU SLOB.

Later, Kathryn and Lisa Rinna have breakfast together to discuss lips, fake (Lisa Rinna) and real (Kathryn), modeling and Kathryn’s lack of children. It is not interesting.

Elsewhere, Eileen takes her entire family to Italy, including her dead sister whose ashes she crams into a makeup compact. Once in Italy, Eileen scatters her sister’s ashes over a balcony while saying goodbye and thanking her for being her sister. It is a moving moment, and one that we probably shouldn’t have been privy to.

So, Kyle.

Kyle decides she is going to host what she is calling a “barbecue.” Kyle Richards has no idea what a barbecue is.

Evidence:

1. Kyle hires caterers.

2. The caterers prepare all of the food in the kitchen.

3. The meal includes hors d’oeuvres.

IMG_5233.JPG

4. There are floral arrangements.

5. This is what Kyle chose to wear:

IMG_5234.JPG

ooooo i can't

In addition to the other Housewives, Kyle has also chosen to invite The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, whose reappearance on the show is strictly coincidental and has absolutely nothing to do with the casting of Kathryn Edwards, former wife of Marcus Allen and fellow bit player in the O.J. Simpson fiasco.

`A refresher: The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick was Nicole Simpson’s best friend at the time of her murder. Following the murders, The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick wrote a tell-all book that claimed Nicole Simpson had an affair with Marcus Allen, O.J. Simpson’s best friend, and that Marcus Allen’s fianceé at the time, Kathryn, knew about it but turned a blind eye.

Oh, and The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick also did a Playboy spread during her 15 minutes because what better way to honor your best friend’s memory?

faye resnick i didin't spreadrhobh

So, Kyle gave The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick the heads-up that Kathryn would be attending the “barbecue” and this piece of work has the gaul to sniff that it’s fine that Kathryn will be there, but that she’s not ready to have a conversation about something that is so painful for her.

ooooo i can't

On the day of the barbecue, the ladies arrive donning flip-flops and jeans only to find Kyle in her gown from the Grimace collection, and are like, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A BARBECUE IS?” Yoyawnda, who is still recovering from major surgery and can’t even lift her arm, just openly laughs in Kyle’s face for being so terrible. Yoyawnda also explains that she no longer uses nail polish because TOXINS!!!!!!!!¡! and the other ladies are like, “Yeah, we’ll take our chances.”

judy don't care 1.gif

Having enjoyed a spot of tea and some Vandergrilling about Kathryn’s age over at PINK HOUSE earlier in the day, Kathryn and Lisa Vanderpump arrive together, and are both like, “OH TERRIFIC, THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK IS HERE.” I had completely forgotten that Lisa Vanderpump had her own Vanderbeef with The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick over something or other to do with Brandi some number of seasons ago, but Lisa Vanderpump HAS NOT, and is bound and determined to make this all about Vanderher.

As Yoyawnda makes her escape, Lisa Rinna asks Lisa Vanderpump about her issue with The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, only to have The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick march right up to them, mid-conversation. The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick waves away their issues, saying that the problem was that they are both too protective of their friends, and she has no hard feelings about anything that happened. And Lisa Vanderpump is like, “WELL THAT’S RICH. Glad you’re Vanderover it. I guess.”

And then everyone sits down to eat their barbecue roasted carrots with creme fraiche, and whaddya know, but Kathryn and The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick are seated directly across from one another. What are the chances?!

Before we get to all that, the ladies immediately start in on Yoyawnda and her illness, AGAIN, because I don’t even know why. Look. I don’t think nail polish is what is making Yoyawnda feel crappy, and I question the IVs full of vitamin C and doing the master cleanse and pulling out her teeth and taking 1800 different vitamins who must react with one another who even knows how. But these are the choices Yoyawnda has made and maybe it’s time for the rest of the women to just accept that she genuinely doesn’t feel well and if being up to her eyeballs in nonsense alternative medicine treatments makes Yoyawnda feel better, they should just let it go.

The point is, Kyle brings up the “fact” that Other One and Boy Child, whatever their names are, also have Lyme Disease according to Yoyawnda, and Lisa Vanderpump is like, “Nope.” Kyle asks her if The Sultan has said that his children have Lyme Disease, and Lisa Vanderpump quietly states that he said, “No.” Kyle is like, “WHAT WHAT WHAT?” But Lisa Vanderpump realizing that she just inserted herself into a potential mess on camera instantly Vanderegrets saying anything at all and is like, “NEVERMIND. FORGET I VANDERSAID ANYTHING.”

nothing to see here please dispearse nope.gif

In an attempt to change the topic of conversation, Erika Girardi asks Lisa Rinna if she was showing when she did her Playboy spread, and Lisa Rinna confirms that she was: she was 6 1/2 months pregnant at the time. (!!!!) Kyle laughingly asks how many of the ladies there have done Playboy, because it is not an insignificant percentage of the guests, and in fact it’s three: Lisa Rinna, Camille Grammer and of course The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick. Of course.

faye resnick i didin't spreadrhobh
LOL LOL OK.

But instead of having a sense of humor about it and owning it like Lisa Rinna, The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick leaves the table in a huff. As soon as she leaves, Kathryn reminds everyone that The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick wrote something about her in the tell-all book, but she’s not exactly sure what because she hasn’t actually read it.

Erika and I think this is some nonsense.

erika disapproving rhobh eyes.gif

Kathryn keeps going on and on about how she’s been waiting for 20 years to confront The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick about what she wrote — even though she doesn’t know, exactly, what it was; says that she’s “ammo’ed [herself] up” which is not an expression, that is not something people say; and then gets all sassy:

don't act like you know me kathryn rhobh.gif
erika disapproving rhobh eyes

When The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick returns to the table, Kathryn is all, “I’VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT WHAT YOU WROTE ABOUT ME IN THAT BOOK OF YOURS.” But The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick is like, “Nope.” Kathryn is all, “I’M SORRY, WHAT? NOPE?” And The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick is like, “Nope.” And Kathryn is like, “WAIT, NOPE? THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? ‘NOPE’?” And The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick is all, “Nope.”

So I guess that settles that.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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