American Horror Story: Hotel
“She Gets Revenge”
December 16, 2015
Liz Taylor checks in a lovely older couple knowing full well that they are going upstairs to share a bottle of champagne and end their lives. After 60 years, 4 kids, and 9 kids, it’s been a good run, and one that they would like to walk away from on their own terms. To that end, they put guns to each other’s heads and pull the triggers, which is how Liz Taylor and an unimpressed Iris find them. Iris complains about the 8 hours of scrubbing blood off the walls she has ahead of her — which I thought was what Ghost Maid was here for? But anyway, the point is, as they evaluate the scene, Liz Taylor and Iris are both bummed out: Liz Taylor at the death of Tristan and her inevitable death at Lady Gaga’s Lee Press-On Razor and Iris at her terrible relationship with her son. They agree that they will follow the old couple’s example and kill themselves together, but only after Liz Taylor deals with the one bit of unfinished business in her life: her son, and Iris deals with the one bit of unfinished business in her life: cancelling her subscriptions to Reader’s Digest and Country Living.
So, instead of having Ghost Maid clean the room, Liz Taylor instead has her call her now-adult son whom she hasn’t seen in thirty years, and invite him to come reunite with his missing father at the Hotel Cortez. Why Liz Taylor didn’t have Iris do this for her is unclear, or maybe it was so that Ghost Maid could pinch her mouth disapprovingly at Liz Taylor, call her a fairy and compare her to her pedophiliac cousin. We get it, Ryan Murphy, thanks.
Sometime later, Douglas, Liz Taylor’s son, appears at the Hotel Cortez bar where, without revealing who she is, Liz Taylor pours him a drink, chats with him about his job and wife, encourages him to become his own boss, and assures him that his father didn’t abandon him as a child because of anything he did. It’s very sweet.
To thank her for her help in reuniting her with her son, Liz Taylor and Iris present Ghost Maid with a new washer/dryer before heading down the hall to off themselves. However, before they can get too far, Ghost Maid is like, “Oh, hey, before you mess up a room I’m going to have to clean, your son is down at the bar wanting to talk to you again. Shall I tell him you couldn’t make it because you’ve blown your brains out?”
Liz Taylor heads to the bar where Douglas reveals that he took Liz Taylor’s advice and quit his job, and, ohbytheway, yes, he knows Liz Taylor is his dad, his mother had given him plenty of clues as to what had happened to his father. Yes, yes, it hurt that Liz Taylor abandoned him, but he learned something when Pedro from The Real World died, and he kept learning, and long story short, there’s room for another woman in his life. And OH MY GOD, IT’S A GENUINELY MOVING MOMENT ON THIS SHOW.
NOW WHAT? Obviously Liz Taylor can’t kill herself, not when she has a chance at a relationship with her son. So she heads upstairs to where Iris has collected an entire Clue box of weapons and is busy at work on a goodbye video for her three Instagram followers:
And Liz Taylor is like, “Hey, new plan. How about we don’t kill ourselves, and instead take over the hotel? After all, we’ve suffered more than our fair share, and it will be awesome.”
Meanwhile, Donovan sneaks into Rudolph Valentino’s motel room, and is all, “Oh hey, guy, I’m here to shoot you in the face.” SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT.
And at the hotel, Lady Gaga invites Natacha into her penthouse where she’s like, “Oh hey, romantic rival, you’re here so I can shoot you in the face.” SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT.
That loose end taken care of, Lady Gaga then reports her husband, Will Drake, missing to the police, only to have Ghost Will Drake appear and be like, “Honey, I’m home!”
Once the police leave, Ghost Will Drake tells Lady Gaga that he’s very disappointed in her for killing him, but the joke’s on her because she’s not in the will. Lady Gaga is like, “Uh duh. Your son inherits everything and I’m his legal guardian until he reaches majority … assuming he does. Maybe I’ll turn him, too. Now run along. The series is done with you.”
Later, Lady Gaga and Donovan sit down to dinner together so that Lady Gaga can ask him for a favor: she needs him to go into the Ramona dungeon, retrieve Will Drake’s body before it becomes too ripe and put Ramona back in the iron maiden for her, kthnx. And Donovan is like, “No problem! And while I’m cleaning up your mess, you can clean up mine: why don’t you text your boyfriend and find out what it is. Oh right, you can’t because he’s a 1920s film star who has been locked away in a hotel for 100 years and doesn’t know how to text and also too because I shot him in the face.” Lady Gaga is NOT AMUSED.
While Lady Gaga goes to Rudolph Valentino’s motel room to confirm Donovan’s story, Donovan stays behind in the penthouse to enjoy a little “Hotline Bling.” It is glorious.
When Lady Gaga returns, she’s shocked to find that Donovan stuck around, but he’s all, “shrug.” She explains that she had been looking for Rudolph Valentino for a century, and had just learned he had been in the hotel the whole time, only to have Donovan come along and shoot him in the face at the first chance he got. And Donovan is like, “YEP! Now kill me! It’s the only way you’ll let me love you.” This, for some dark reason, moves Lady Gaga, who realizes that she’s made a “beautiful thing,” even though he’s been Matt Bomer the entire time and all she had to do is LOOK AT HIM WITH HER EYEBALLS.
But anywho, this is the exact moment when Iris and Liz Taylor come bursting in, guns a’blazin’.
On a completely different show, John considers his newest trophy: a set of ears he took from a bunch of Santa Muerte cult members to fulfill “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” Ghost Courtney Love reminds him that he only has one more commandment to fulfill (“Thou shalt not kill”) and he’s free.
John goes downstairs to chat with Mr. March who is busying himself by burning the dungeon contractor alive. Mr. March rambles on about his plans for John once they complete their Ten Commandments project, and John’s like, “Cool, cool. Hey, where’s my wife?”
Mr. March arranges a meeting between John and Dr. Chloé, and John is like, “HEY, REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOLD ME HOLDEN WAS A HALLUCINATION AND I WAS CRAZY?” Dr. Chloé is all, “It’s complicated.” John reminds her that they have another kid, and Dr. Chloé is like, “I know! We’re literally The Worst Parents Ever!” Dr. Chloé then explains that she’s on Lady Gaga’s bad side for turning her patient and unleashing a whole gaggle of 6th grade fauxpires into the world, and if she doesn’t do something about it, Lady Gaga is going to kill Dr. Chloé and Holden both. “Hmmm…,” says John.
So John and Dr. Chloé go back to the house where she last left the fauxpires. There, they discover that one of them, Kimmy, has developed a full-blown case of the measles. As the other fauxpire children surround John and Dr. Chloé, Kimmy begins to arrest, and the fauxpires demand that Dr. Chloé save her. After about 5 seconds of CPR, Kimmy dies, and Dr. Chloé is like, “Welp, too late for her,” to which John adds, “But hey! It doesn’t have to be too late for you guys!”
And that is, somehow, how John and Dr. Chloé are able to convince the little fauxpires to come with them back to the Hotel Cortez where they lead them into the Ramona dungeon and lock them inside. LOL, SUCKERS.
Killing a bunch of 6th graders is good for the libido, apparently, and John and Dr. Chloé make the sex there at the hotel, after which they are both like, “DIVORCE CANCELLED!”
As soon as Dr. Chloé leaves, though, Ghost Courtney Love is there and waiting and SUPER MAD. She cries and screams and they wrestle and almost make the ghost sex again before John decides that no thank you please. Ghost Courtney Love promises that as soon as Dr. Chloé finds out that he’s a serial killer, she’s going to leave him again, but John is like, “doubtful.” John goes to leave but Ghost Courtney Love follows him out to the hallway and tries to stab him. She fails. He leaves. She cries.
Later, Dr. Chloé takes John to the Nintendo room, where he is tearfully reunited with Holden, and then the three of them walk out of the Hotel like it ain’t no thang. As they leave, Ghost Courtney Love screams down at them from the balcony that she SWEARS TO GOD she’s going to kill John, and Dr. Chloé is like, “Uh, who’s that?” But John is all, “Move along, nothing to see here.” And that’s the end of that discussion, because why on Earth would Dr. Chloé have any questions about a Courtney Love impersonator in a haunted hotel screaming that she is going to kill her husband, right?
American Horror Story: Hotel aired on FX.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Tubular.