‘American Horror Story: Hotel’: Witch, please

American Horror Story: Hotel
“Battle Royale”
January 6, 2016

We begin this episode a couple of minutes before we left off the last one: with Iris and Liz Taylor loading their weapons and preparing to shoot the face off of Lady Gaga so they can assume control over the hotel. Because that’s how it works: If you kill a hotel owner, you get to just keep the hotel, no questions asked.

And then they burst into the penthouse as noted previously, guns a’blazin’, only to be surprised to find that Donovan is in the room with Lady Gaga. Though she is hit several times, Donovan throws himself in front of Lady Gaga and takes the majority of the fusillade of bullets, causing Iris to scream at Liz Taylor to stop. While Iris tends to her son, Lady Gaga manages to drag herself away to Liz Taylor’s great consternation. Meanwhile, Donovan pleads with his mother to not let him die inside the hotel where he would be trapped with all of Lady Gaga’s other boyfriends, so she and Liz Taylor drag him outside to the curb, where, with his dying breath, he thanks Iris and calls her, “Mom.”

And maybe Lady Gaga didn’t crawl away, but was dragged down to the body basement by Ghost Courtney Love? Who pulls all the bullets out of her and sews her up? When Lady Gaga finally comes to, she asks why Ghost Courtney Love saved her, and Ghost Courtney Love explains that she needs her: for once in her life, she won’t be left.



Ghost Courtney Love was not a ghost yet, but she was a heroin dealer and the supplier for this grunge rock couple whom she also supplied with songs. And this one time, the three of them came to the Hotel Cortez to make all the sex and do all the drugs. But things got a little out of hand, and the next thing you know, Courtney Love is sewing the three of them to one another. You know, like you do. However, maybe there was a little too much heroin involved (the first hint being when they sewed themselves to one another) and the next thing you know the grunge rock couple are ODing while sewed to a non-ODing Courtney Love. She was sewn to their corpses for two days before the Dildo Goblin showed up. He tortured her for another three days before she couldn’t take it anymore, and just tore herself out of the sutures.

Long story short: abandonment issues. And that’s why Ghost Courtney Love needs Lady Gaga to go out into the real world, bring John back to her so that she can kill him and have him forever. But for that to happen, Lady Gaga is going to need a refill of her own regenerative blood, and Lady Gaga demands that Ghost Courtney Love bring Donovan to her. Yeah, about that…

Instead, they have to work with the supply they’ve got. To that end, Ghost Courtney Love brings down the remaining Village of the Damned. At first, Lady Gaga is all, “NO! NEVER!” but then she’s all, “Eh, sure, why not.” And so Ghost Courtney Love exsanguinates them while Lady Gaga tearfully looks on.


Elsewhere in the hotel, Iris covers herself in Donovan’s ashes in one of the hotel rooms. We all grieve in our own ways.

Later, once she’s taken a good, long hot shower, Iris discusses with Liz Taylor what their next step should be, seeing as Lady Gaga managed to escape. Liz Taylor, seeing no other choice, suggests that they use a common enemy: Ramona Royale, but Iris is skeptical that Ramona is going to want anything to do with her after she locked her up in an iron maiden in a dungeon and all.

And sure enough, when Iris and Liz Taylor go into the dungeon, Ramona is in NO MOOD. She assumes Lady Gaga sent them in to finish her off, but Liz Taylor is able, somehow, to convince her that they are on her side and to not eat Iris then and there. Intrigued, Ramona orders them to fetch her a fresh meal … which she could have just done herself? Maybe?

The point is, that is when Queenie(!!!!!!!!!) of all people checks in to the hotel …


… where she is planning to stay for her visit to The Price is Right. Queenie explains that her Supreme has already charmed her ticket, so she’s guaranteed to Come On Down. At this, Liz Taylor recognizes her and star-struck, explains to Iris that she knows all about Queenie and her very chic coven of witches, she saw a story about them on CNN. Iris laughs that she hopes Queenie didn’t have to marry Satan to join, and Queenie is like, “RUDE. I come from an ancient bloodline, check yourself.” With that, Liz Taylor scurries upstairs to make sure Queenie’s room “is ready.”

However, when Queenie checks out her room, she immediately senses that it has bad juju, and demands another room. “NOPE,” say Iris and Liz Taylor, “This is all we’ve got. Ok! Goodbye! Go wash your face! And goodbye!” Queenie takes their advice and discovers that not only does the room come with bad juju, it also comes with a knife-wielding Ramona Royale, who leaps out of the shower and begins stabbing at Queenie.

Except! The joke’s on Ramona, as Queenie explains that she’s a human voodoo doll, so anything Ramona does to her will happen to Ramona. Fight fight struggle fight, and Queenie almost has it in hand, until Mr. March appears and stabs her in the neck with impunity on account that he’s a ghost. And with that Ramona drinks up all her witch blood. Oooh, I hope your Supreme avenges your death, Queenie.


Restored, Ramona puts on one of Liz Taylor’s fanciest dresses and heads up to Lady Gaga’s penthouse to finally off her once and for all. But once she gets there, Lady Gaga is all, “Blah blah blah, your blood smells like black walnuts, blah blah, everyone thinks they are blessed or cursed, but I am the curse, blah blah, sorry about killing your boyfriend and dumping you, blah.” Ramona admits that while she’s fantasized about killing Lady Gaga for years, now that she’s sitting in the same room with her, she’s finding it curiously hard to do. Lady Gaga gives her permission to kill her, but begs her to sleep with her first. “Done and done!” says Ramona.

Meanwhile, over at John and Dr. Chloé’s house, the family is reunited with Scarlett who is like, “So, some questions: how are you going to explain Holden to Grandma? And also, too, is Holden going to eat me? He’s probably going to eat me. I mean, he ate the dog, so what are my chances of surviving this, right? Have you people thought any of this through AT ALL?” And John is like, “NOPE.”


Later, John brings dinner home to Dr. Chloé and Holden in the form of some random guy in the back of his trunk, only to find that his family is nowhere to be found, and in their place is a key to room 64.

So, John heads back to the hotel where he finds Ghost Courtney Love waiting for him in room 64. Believing that she took his family, he yells and threatens her and puts his gun under her chin — like THAT is going to do anything to a ghost, SHE’S ALREADY DEAD, YOU IDIOT. Ghost Courtney Love is like, “Hey, I’m a ghost, remember? I didn’t do anything with your family. And while I would love to kill you and keep you here with me, Mr. March wants you to finish y’all’s little project. You just need to find a murderer to murder, which around here shouldn’t be too hard …”

And that’s why when Lady Gaga triumphantly marches out of her penthouse suite, John shoots her in the chest.


John, Mr. March and Ghost Courtney Love admire the final trophy in the trophy room: the head of Lady Gaga (and you just know that somewhere in Lady Gaga’s real house, that thing is on prominent display). When Ghost Courtney Love is like, “Cool, I can kill John now!” Mr. March stops her, explaining that he needs John alive, he has other plans for him. “Whatever, take me to my family,” John demands.

Finally, Mr. March prepares a dinner for Ghost Lady Gaga to help her with her transition to her new state. He explains that he is thrilled they are together again, and that he can finally forgive her for her multitude of sins, like turning him in to the cops. Lady Gaga is all, “Whatchu talking about, Willis? I didn’t turn you in…” And that’s when Ghost Maid is like, “Funny story. So, the thing is, I was the one who made that call because I love you!” Mr. March is not amused by this turn of events, and banishes Ghost Maid from him for eternity. Ghost Maid is like, “Fine. Good luck with your laundry. PEACE OUT.”


And with that, Mr. March toasts that he is thrilled that he will have Lady Gaga across from him not once a month, but from now on, until the sun falls from the sky and the heavens burn in conflagration. And Lady Gaga cries and cries, because she’s going to be stuck with those dumb bleached eyebrows for forever and ever.

American Horror Story: Hotel aired on FX.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Tubular.

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