The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Pretty Mess”
January 12, 2016
We pick up this episode in the middle of Lisa Vanderpump’s Vanderwhite party in the Hamptons as she and her group pick up and leave for dinner — except they don’t go anywhere? It appears they have dinner there at the Vanderparty? How does that work, exactly? Because the entire party isn’t invited to the dinner, it appears to only be a few guests. Does everyone else at the Vnaderparty just stare at them from across the hotel? That seems Vanderude.
Over dinner, Lisa Rinna and Kyle discuss some mutual friend of theirs who is going through a particularly brutal divorce, which inspires Lisa to start Vandergrilling Eileen on the details of her divorce: How did the affair begin? Did she know from the first time she kissed Dick Van Patten Jr. on the set of The Young & the Restless that she was going to betray her husband with him? How long after she met him did they get married? and Vandersoforth and Vanderso on. Eileen is not Vanderamused.
The next day Kyle calls The Real Housewives of New York‘s once and future HBIC Bethenny Frankel to make arrangements for dinner at Bethenny’s Hampton home. Apparently, Kyle and Bethenny have been friends for 25 years and somehow this is the first we’ve heard of it?
Yep. That’s them and those appear to be original noses.
Over the phone they settle on the plan that Bethenny will host the Beverly Hills ladies for dinner, but Kyle will swing by early to visit with her alone. Before they hang up, Bethenny craps all over the magazine that put Lisa Vanderpump on its cover because that’s how Bethenny rolls.
Before dinner, everyone piles into a limousine and go to a vineyard for a wine tasting under the auspices of Lisa perhaps selling one under her Vanderbrand and not, say, just as a good excuse to get day drunk. Over wine, Lisa Rinna is like, “YOU GUYS. I Googled this Erika Girardi person because of COURSE I Googled this Erika Girardi person, don’t act like all of you also didn’t Google this Erika Girardi person. And anyway, DID YOU KNOW SHE MADE THESE SEXY MUSIC VIDEOS? I AM SCANDALIZED! I mean, never mind the fact that I have posed for Playboy literally multiple times, I AM NOW GRASPING THE PEARLS I MOST CERTAINLY WAS NOT WEARING IN MY 2009 SPREAD OVER THIS GROWN WOMAN ROLLING AROUND HALF-NAKED IN A MUSIC VIDEO.” ~faints~
Lisa Rinna passes her phone around with Erika Jayne’s video for “Painkllr” playing on it. In case you were wondering, and you know you were:
While Lisa Rinna worries that when she meets Erika, she’s going to have “her ass in the air,” the other women are like, “What? It’s a music video. Pull it together, Rinna.”
When Kyle, Eileen and Lisa Rinna return to the house, Erika finally arrives to join them, and picks a bedroom even though I think she’s staying at Lisa Vanderpump’s Vanderhotel? I’m confused. The point is, Lisa Rinna finally meets her and describes her as “cotton candy meets Chanel meets Vegas showgirl” which is 100% accurate. Erika explains that she had been in Chicago for Pride and HEY! You know where else Erika Jayne has performed for Pride? Right here in Houston and she was booked by none other than Tubular’s own Joey Guerra:
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I PRACTICALLY KNOW HER.
Anyway, Lisa Rinna asks her about her “racy” video and Erika is like, “And? It’s a character. I’m acting.” Which you would think is something Lisa Rinna, Playboy model and Depends Undergarment spokesperson and soap opera actress, should be familiar with.
Kyle heads out to Bethenny’s house, while the other ladies discuss Yoyawnda’s surgery, and the show is like, “OH RIGHT, YOYAWNDA. Wonder how she’s doing?”
So we head to Cleveland where Lisa Vanderpump calls Yoyawnda, only to have to talk to Musical Genius David Foster first. Musical Genius David Foster thanks her for the Vanderflowers she sent (though a bouquet of lemons and a tick collar would have been better received) and then jokes that Grandpa Ken now has bigger breasts than Yoyawnda.
He’s terrible.
Yoyawnda is finally given permission to talk to Lisa, and the women both express hope that this will finally be the thing that makes Yoyawnda better because frankly she’s running out of things to yoink out of her body.
At Bethenny’s, Kyle tells us more about their history: apparently, years and years ago, Bethenny dated one of Kyle’s ex-boyfriends and confronted Kyle about her choice of some outrageously expensive eye makeup remover that she had left at the ex-boyfriend’s house. And they’ve been friends ever since.
Which is why Kyle doesn’t become defensive or clam up when Bethenny asks her about Kim. She doesn’t reveal anything interesting or of substance, either, but for perhaps the first time on this show, Kyle doesn’t get all huffy when someone says the word, “Kim.”
The pair then move on to a more interesting topic: Erika Girardi/Jayne and her Instagram account. Bethenny calls Erika “hot” and “applauds” her for having a much-older husband who is into her photos of herself with her “fingers in her ass crack with knuckle rings on.”
In case you were wondering, and you know you were:
Meanwhile, in the limo on their way to Bethenny’s, the ladies ask Erika about her Instagram account and the hashtag, #thepresttymess, and Erika shrugs that it’s what she calls herself. None of these people appear to understand how Instagram works.
Once they arrive at her home, Bethenny offers everyone her new signature cocktail which she is calling a “rim job,” specifically honing in on Erika whom she declares to be “obsessed with.” Erika picks up on the obvious judgement under Bethenny’s comments, but lets it go because she understands you can’t post public photographs of yourself in mesh bodysuits and thigh-high boots and thongs and NOT expect some nasty comments from other women, come on.
At some point, the ladies sit down to dinner, and decide this is as good a time as any to pass around Erika Jayne’s music video. And this will surprise you, but Bethenny has some thoughts! She criticizes the “production values,” calls it a failure at being “avant garde” and thinks it starts off too slowly. Erika is all, “I didn’t ask you, but also, too I don’t care what you think.” Bethenny tries to argue that Erika is a much more well-rounded person than how she presents herself on Instagram and in her videos, and Erika is like, “Yeah, dummy, because that’s my product, that’s not me.” And then Erika, to her tremendous credit, teaches Bethenny how to do her dance walk even though this one just insulted her repeatedly to her face.
I’m liking this Erika Girardi. She can stick around.
Oh, and Lisa Rinna literally runs out of the dinner party with the Norwalk virus.
Finally, the next morning, Lisa Vanderpump, Grandpa Ken and Erika go over to Kyle’s rental for some breakfast before going en masse to Bethenny’s book signing. On the limo ride over, Lisa Vandergrills Erika about her marriage and basically asks whether or not Mr. Girardi is ashamed to be seen with her in public. Erika is like, “Come on now.”
Over at the house, Eileen whines at Lisa Rinna that Lisa Vanderpump asked her questions about her marriage and it made her really uncomfortable. Lisa Rinna is like, “Uh, OK? So why don’t you talk to her about it?” And Eileen is all, “That’s a terrific idea that I must have certainly had on my own but I felt I needed to discuss it with you first so as to frame the whole confrontation scene that is about to happen. Thanks for the advice!”
So when Lisa Vanderpump arrives, Eileen takes her aside and is all, “DON’T ASK ME PERSONAL QUESTIONS.” Lisa Vanderpump is taken Vanderaback, and is all, “Wait, what is happening here? I can’t make Vanderconversation with you? Uhhh… OK. Noted, weirdo.”
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.