‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Hotel Hell

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Hamptons, 90210”
January 5, 2016

I need someone to answer this for me: is there something inherently fascinating about packing a suitcase that I am missing? Because, I swear, we must spend no less than an hour of each season of these Real Housewives series just watching people put things into their suitcases, and IT IS NEVER INTERESTING.

This week, the ladies are packing to go to the Hamptons, Philadelphia, Chicago and Cleveland for trips of varying degrees of seriousness, and we spend LITERALLY 20 minutes watching them put things in suitcases.


We start with Kyle packing her suitcase for her trip to the Hamptons for Lisa’s Vanderwhite party while Portia looks on disinterestedly. Other than Kyle wondering if she can pass off a pink dress as white, even though her closet has to be FULL of white dresses on account of her owning a boutique and the thing where she hosts her own white party EVERY SINGLE YEAR, nothing happens.

Over at the Girardi estate, Erika points out to some lady a dead tree in her backyard that she wants removed, the same tree she pointed out to Mr. Girardi when we first met her. IS SOMETHING GOING TO HAPPEN WITH THE TREE? Don’t spoil anything for me, but the tree is going to crush the Girardi estate, isn’t it? OR WAIT! DOES THE TREE FALL DURING SOME SWANKY PARTY LATER IN THE SEASON AND SMUSH ONE OF THE HOUSEWIVES? #HopeIt’sEileen

After Erika bores everyone talking about trees and flower beds, she goes inside to pack for her trip to perform at Chicago Pride. But Erika doesn’t pack a rolly suitcase and call it a day: spandex and crotch sequins don’t travel well. Instead, she packs three steamer trunks full of 7 inch heels, mesh jumpsuits and pasties, which you can do when you’re travelling via your own airplane.

Oh, and you’ll be surprised to learn that Erika has breast implants.


Lisa Vanderpump packs her suitcase while gossiping to Grandpa Ken about the fact that Kim Richards got her fool self arrested, again, this time for stealing $600 worth of toys from Target. I mean …

dowager disapproves

Lisa decides that the best thing to do is call Kyle and make her discuss these developments on camera. Because Kyle is DEFINITELY going to want to discuss these developments on camera. And, in fact, when Lisa Vandercalls her, Kyle is unable (unwilling) to talk about it, she is crying so much. Way to Vandergo, Lisa.

Back to packing: while she is packing, Eileen makes the mistake of asking her husband to cut a tag off of one of her dresses, and her awful husband makes a HUGE DEAL out of the fact that the dress cost $500. UNNECESSARY COMMENT, AWFUL HUSBAND. Eileen points out to him that she doesn’t give him grief for his gambling addiction, so he can lay off of her for buying herself clothing. Which! Fair point! But another point would be that aside from being a reality star, Eileen also happens to be a successful actress on two soap operas and makes her own damn money, and what does he do? Coach tennis? BACK OFF, BALL BOY.

Ugh. Eileen’s husband is The Worst.

parks-and-recreation-Jean-Ralphio-the-worst-worst-woooorst-1372637673p (1).gif

As for Lisa Rinna, for some reason we don’t watch her pack her suitcase for her trip to Philly to be on QVC. WHY NO PACKING, PRODUCERS? I THOUGHT PACKING = THE BEST! Instead, we just jump right to her being picked up at the Philadelphia Airport and taken to a hotel. There, she wipes every surface down with alcohol wipes because she has The OCD and her brain isn’t right.

Later, Lisa arrives at QVC Headquarters where she visits with designers Dennis Basso and Isaac Mizrahi. The only even slightly interesting development in what is really just an extended commercial for QVC and Lisa Rinna’s line of shearling jackets of questionable quality is that this Dennis Basso character talks about how he designed the bridesmaids dresses for Nicky Hilton’s wedding. At this, Lisa Rinna has a fleeting moment of self-awareness and notes that they all live in a weird little bubble. But the moment passes and then we’re back to Lisa Rinna bragging about how she empowers women because she sells them sweater shawls of questionable quality.

beyonce feminist

As for Yoyawnda, we are not privy to her suitcase, but we do get a very sad moment with her housekeeper, who has to watch on helplessly as Yoyawnda puts a carton of milk into the coffee cup cabinet.

Yoyawnda gives us a bit of backstory on her upcoming surgery: ten years ago, Yoyawnda fell and ruptured one of her breast implants, and silicone spilled freely into her chest. Yikes! So she is going to have her replacement implants removed and her chest cavity vacuumed or whatever, and just live with her “flat raisin with pancakes” natural boobs. One person not taking this turn of events well is Musical Genius David Foster who cops one last feel as he drives her to the airport, causing Yoyawnda to burst into tears. Great job, Musical Genius David Foster! Very sensitive!

Once in Cleveland, as Musical Genius David Foster drives Yoyawnda to the hospital for her surgery, Yoyawnda jokes that she will be a toothless, boobless, brainless wonder after all of this is said and done, to which Musical Genius David Foster responds, “Exactly what I married.” He seems nice. (To be fair, he clearly meant this as a joke. The problem is we all know that three months later these two file for divorce, and because we can’t unknow what we know, this feels jerky at best, downright jackholey at worst.)

At the hospital, Yoyawnda preps for surgery and then calls the only child she really loves, Gigi, to tell her she loves her and if anything happens to her, let the other ones know she liked them too, or whatever. The doctors shoo Musical Genius David Foster into the waiting room, because he is not allowed in the operating theater even just to watch them insert the IV for her anesthesia.

But a camera crew and this “health advocate” person? SURE! COME ON IN! And that is how we are treated to seeing the interior of Yoyawnda Foster’s chest. Thanks, guys!

After seven hours, the doctors have hoovered out all the runaway silicone and they let Musical Genius David Foster know that Yoyawnda is in recovery, so all that will talk was for naught. Musical Genius David Foster visits with a dopey Yoyawnda who cries and cries and cries and I don’t know, but maybe it’s unfair to film people in recovery from anesthesia? The only real anesthesia I’ve ever had was a couple of epidurals which don’t even make you silly or dopey but I would have MURDERED someone if they tried to film me in that condition. LEAVE YOYAWNDA ALONE.

forget about me kim rhobh surgery

Back in Beverly Hills, Erika meets her husband, Mr. Girardi, at The Palm for lunch and to explain that she’s headed out of town so he’ll have to fetch his own Activa shakes in the morning. Mr. Girardi is also travelling, and at one point, Erika suggests that she take the “small” plane to come meet him, before explaining that, indeed, they own two airplanes.

And that’s when Charlie Beck, the chief of police in Los Angeles, comes over and is like, “Hello, people I know!” I guess we’re supposed to be impressed that they are all familiar with each other? But, really, who cares?


With that, Mr. Girardi announces that he has to go back to work, pats Erika on the arm like a not-particularly-affectionate granddad, and takes his leave. See you in a week, honey! Miss you! Kinda!

And then Erika eats a giant piece of chocolate cake because she’s got to fill out those jumpsuits somehow. Oh, and she also calls Lisa Vanderpump to explain her whole going to Chicago before coming to the Hamptons plan. During the call, she affectionately calls Lisa “diva” which simultaneously delights and irritates Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa Vanderpump also pokes fun at Erika for owning two planes.


Finally, New York. Lisa Vanderpump and Grandpa Ken are flown into the Hamptons on a helicopter because no one loves a helicopter as much as Lisa Vanderpump or a Bachelor producer.

Meanwhile, Kyle and Eileen have already arrived at the Hamptons hotel that is hosting Lisa’s Vanderparty, only to discover that the hotel becomes a dance party at 9:30 in the morning. NOT. OK.

So, according to the narrative we’re being fed here, Kyle called up Mauricio and had him, at a moment’s notice, find her a palatial Hamptons estate to rent for a couple of days. Granted, Mauricio is a big deal real estate agent, but I have to say, Hamptons estates are not just sitting around empty in the middle of August! That is not a thing that happens! So either this was the house of someone who owed Mauricio a huge favor or … Kyle rented this place ahead of arriving in the Hamptons and her plan was always to abandon the hotel and stay in splendor. Who can say.

The point is, when Lisa arrives, the front desk hands her a Vandernote that she doesn’t look at until she gets into her Vanderroom which explains that Kyle and Eileen have decamped to this giant fancy Countess LuAnn-esque Hamptons home. Lisa is VANDEROUTRAGED! HOW VANDERDARE THEY NOT STAY IN THE SAME DUMPY LITTLE HOTEL SHE IS STAYING IN. HOW VANDERDARE THEY!

Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna arrives at the Hamptons estate from Philly, which raises even flags for me that this is not exactly how this entire situation actually unfolded, but whatever. Everyone gets dressed for Lisa’s white Vanderparty. Because rich people love them a white party.

Upon arriving at the Vanderparty, Kyle greets Lisa who informs her that she “hates” Kyle for leaving the hotel. She’s mostly Vanderjoking. Mostly. Kyle pleads the Kim Defense: she needed to be able to get a good night’s sleep because her idiot sister got her fool self arrested again, and so, therefore, hence, she had to rent a five bedroom palace out on the bay. She had to!

However, having pled the Kim Defense, Kyle has opened herself up to some questioning about her sister and her sister’s well being, which Kyle doesn’t want to answer, and in an interview, she makes some noises about how she knows Lisa wouldn’t Vanderwant her to talk about her Vanderstuff, but she can Vandergo there if Lisa would Vanderlike. Which: 1. No, Kyle, if you’re going to drag Kim into the conversation, you don’t get to become outraged when people then ask you about Kim. That’s not how conversations work, honey, but, 2. Is also intriguing! What kind of Vanderstuff? What skeletons does Giggy have in his Vandercloset?


The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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