The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
December 29, 2015
A wish list:
Friends with private planes.
A pair of mini-Vanderhorses.
A spouse who is co-owner of a boutique so that instead of ever having to take the time and emotional energy to purchase a gift, I can just say, “Go to Spouse’s boutique and pick out anything you want and I’ll pay for it, happy birthday.”
A pair of $25,000 sunglasses.
Mauricio apparently told Lisa Rinna that she should just go over to Kyle’s store and pick whatever she wanted out for her birthday, and Lisa Rinna was all, “DONE AND DONE.” This also gives the ladies an opportunity to discuss an upcoming trip to the Hamptons and how Lisa Rinna had a boutique once, too, but then it was broken into 3 times in 6 weeks because HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, WHAT?
Over at PINK HOUSE, Lisa Vanderpump’s Vanderswan Hanky has diarrhea and so she grabs the bird and HOLDS HIM IN HER LAP TO DRIVE HIM TO THE VET. After all, what’s the worst that could happen? But aside from that poor decision 1. Lisa Vanderpump thinks one of her random Vanderpet’s stomach disorders is something we would be interested in 2. enough to drag a camera crew along with her to the Vandervet’s office. It would be one thing if the vet were like, “WE HAVE TO OPERATE! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!” But instead, the vet tells Lisa that the Vanderswan is fine and she should take him home. Literally, that is all that happens. The only thing that is slightly revelatory in this entire episode is that Lisa declares that she loves things more when they are dependent upon her which is pretty much her guiding philosophy for all of her relationships.
So Yoyawnda may have parasites ravaging her brain (or whatever), but she is not a dumb woman. Instead of just dumping Erika Girardi into the viper’s pit that is this cast, she opts to ease Erika into the group by introducing her to Kyle first, based on the idea that the two women have a lot in common. They are close to the same age; both got knocked up waaaaay too young; but then both found sugar daddies to bail them out. Also, too, they have ridiculous thick mini-Vanderhorse-like manes of hair.
After Kyle pretends for a hot second that she didn’t immediately Google Erika’s name upon learning she was joining the cast, and feigns surprise to learn Erika is a “performer,” the ladies begin talking about Yoyawnda’s upcoming trip to Cleveland to have her leaking breast implants removed. Why she has to go all the way to Cleveland to have this done is unclear: maybe Beverly Hills only has surgeons who know how to put in the implants, not take them out? Anyway, Yoyawnda warns that silicone implants and Botox will be the death of Kyle and Erika, who are like, “DON’T CARE.”
Yoyawnda mentions in passing that her children, The Boy One and The One Who Isn’t Gigi, both have Lyme Disease, too. Kyle is like, “wait, what now? How can three people in the same family have Lyme Disease?” Yoyawnda explains that before moving to Malibu, they practically lived on a horse ranch where they were exposed to plenty of ticks, so yes, they have Lyme Disease too; no, it’s not Munchausen by Proxy. “LOL, OK,” says Kyle.
Elsewhere, Lisa Rinna gets waxed.
Dear Producers: Lisa Rinna receiving a bikini wax is even less of a story than “one of Lisa Vanderpump’s random pets has the runs.” Please, please, PLEASE quit wasting our time with this. Unless Lisa Rinna later develops some sort of hideous adverse reaction to having the hairs along her pubis ripped out at the root by a disinterested Asian woman, this was not TV-worthy. Thanks.
Later, Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump meet Eileen at The Young & the Restless set to … I don’t even know what. Sit in Eileen’s claustrophobic dressing room, read a script, talk about how they are going to meet this Erika person later that afternoon, and then talk about how Lisa Rinna was talking about how other people were talking about Yoyawnda’s health?
Is anything actually going to happen this season or are we just going to worry about bikini waxes, Vanderpets and talk about other people talking about things?
So, the ladies finally get together (sans Lisa Rinna) to meet this Erika Girardi character, who makes the grievous error of wearing pink high heels in Lisa Vanderpump’s presence.
Erika also flashes around a Cartier ring worth around $189,000, which Kyle helpfully compares to a Lamborghini, and not, say, the median price of the American home, because everyone on this show has a super healthy perspective.
Speaking of health, at some point, someone asks Yoyawnda how she’s doing, and Yoyawnda is all, “NOT GREAT, BOB.”
Kyle mentions that she just learned that Yoyawnda’s kids also have Lyme Disease, and Yoyawnda begins explaining that this is why The Other One Who Isn’t Gigi dropped out of school. (Sure it is.) It’s her children, Yoyawnda explains, that keeps her fighting for a cure. And if that cure requires Yoyawnda to get stem cell replacement therapy in other countries, take selfies in hypobaric chambers, get IV drips of Airborne and drink gallons of lemon juice and cayenne pepper, then so be it. However, all this talk about Lyme Disease makes Kyle worry that she has Lyme Disease, even though that is not how Lyme Disease works, Kyle.
At some point, the ladies invite this Erika person to join them on their upcoming Hampton’s trip, and Erika accepts, noting that as soon as she’s done “performing” in Chicago she’ll jump on her plane and fly over. This leads to a discussion of Erika’s career, such as it is, and her relationship to her much older husband. The ladies don’t exactly play it cool when they learn Mr. Girardi is Larry King old.
But, again, 1. there is NO WAY they didn’t do their research on this talking Barbie as soon as she signed her Bravo contract, and 2. they live in BEVERLY HILLS; do you mean to tell me this is the first couple they’ve ever met with a 30-year age difference? Come on now.
Lisa Vanderpump demands to know what it’s like to have sex with a 76-year-old AS IF SHE DOESN’T ALREADY VANDERKNOW, and this opens up the conversation about Grandpa Ken’s magical hat birthday party. Lisa complains about Taylor “yacking,” and Yoyawnda says that she heard something about this, that Taylor had been suggesting to people that Yoyawnda really isn’t sick. But then! Dumb dummy Eileen says something about how Lisa Rinna had a conversation with someone who thought Yoyawnda’s condition wasn’t real, which is NOT WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT, EILEEN. THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT TAYLOR, EILEEN. This obviously comes as news to Yoyawnda who is like, “wait, Lisa Rinna what now?” And everyone gets really nervous.
But Yoyawnda doesn’t have time for this right now, and merely sighs disappointedly, so, way to go Eileen.
Finally, we go to Yoyawnda’s Malibu home where Gigi is making a giant pot of tomato soup and what she keeps calling “grilled cheese dippers” instead of de-crusted grilled cheese sandwiches cut into tiny bite-sized pieces that models can nibble on, which is what they are. The children then, for some reason, haul this pot of soup up to the top of lemon hill where their mother is forcing them to have lunch with her and their grandmother. There, Yoyawnda informs the children that in the event something goes wrong on the operating table next week, she’s tucked her will in her safe, and she expects her children to take care of her mother and brother for her. Her kids are like, “I’m sorry, what? Are you going to die? Just how dangerous is it to remove breast implants? Are we missing something?”
So, way to terrify your kids when you could have instead, say, just told your lawyer where your will was stored, Yoyawnda! That is some good parenting right there, Yoyawnda!
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.
This post originally appeared on chron.com, a Hearst site.