‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Faking it

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“The M Word”
December 22, 2015

We begin with the Vanderheart-warming news that Lisa and Grandpa Ken will have their mini-Vanderhorse after all, now with bonus mini-Vanderhorse. After being disappointed by the fat lame mini-horse in Ohio, Lisa somehow convinced some random friends of hers to drive(?) fly(?) a replacement mini-Vanderhorse up from Texas. However, when these friends of hers (named Hank, Tina and Houston, obviously, and I can’t even make fun because being from Houston, I named one of my own children Hank, so there you have it) arrive, they have TWO mini-Vanderhorses, a development that Lisa didn’t appear to anticipate. So how does this work? Did the friends just authorize the purchase two mini-Vanderhorses with Lisa’s money without Lisa’s consent? Was it a BOGO situation? Did they just steal the baby mini-Vanderhorse when no one was looking? I do not Vanderunderstand this entire thing.

Anyway, the mini-Vanderhorses are adorable.

Later, Grandpa Ken comes home to 200% more mini-Vanderhorse than when he left, and Lisa is like, “VANDERSURPISE! I bought myself these mini-Vanderhorses for your birthday! You’re welcome!” Grandpa Ken pretends, unsuccessfully, to be happy about this development.

Elsewhere, this Erika creature begins her segment by sitting around in a bathrobe, calling her husband at work and interrupting his day to be all, “OH HAI! I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY! BYE!” She then explains to us with a straight face that she doesn’t spend time with her husband during the day, on account of his having A Job. She honestly feels this is a thing she has to explain to the audience. “So, my husband he does this thing called ‘work,’ and when he does this thing called ‘work’ other people give him money, but to do this thing called ‘work,’ he goes to a place, a place that is different from this place, and I do not go to this place, and because I do not go to this place where he makes the ‘work,’ I can’t see him during the day, so I have to talk to him over a thing called a ‘telephone.'”

joe biden sarcastic blink sarcasm

Erika then goes to another “dress rehearsal” for whoevenknowswhat, does she even have a performance coming up? Or does Mr. Girardi just pay this team of sycophants to dress Erika up in a bunch of gaudy spandex outfits and dance her around like an overgrown Barbie, so that he CAN JUST GET SOME WORK DONE IN PEACE?

Later, Erika and Mr. Girardi go over to Yoyawnda and Musical Genius David Foster’s Malibu home to drink white wine and feel smug about how much money they have. Over their wine, Musical Genius David Foster explains that he’s headed to Italy soon to support his buddy Andrea Bocelli, who has set up his own foundation of some sort. Apparently, The Pope will be in attendance at un upcoming gala for this foundation, and, without a hint of irony, Yoyawnda suggests that Erika Jayne should perform at the event.


Yep. Seems appropriate.

Hilariously, Erika also asks if she can get Musical Genius David Foster’s thoughts on some of her songs, and he’s like, “LOL, NOPE.”

As for Eileen, she has lunch with her awful husband where she nags at him about his bad habit of changing plans at the last minute and I don’t know why I have to watch a television show to watch a couple of bickering about nothing in particular, I could just go pick a fight with my husband for free.

boring me to death

BREAKING NEWS: Lisa Rinna and Kyle have teenage daughters.

Lisa Rinna and her teenage daughters go to some cafe and don’t eat salads while talking about the daughters’ upcoming trip to Canada that Lisa Rinna will be missing in favor of filming some more adult diaper ads shilling Chinese-made crap on QVC. Later, when trying to visit with Harry Hamlin and the Daughters, Lisa Rinna reveals that she doesn’t know how to use an iPad. This is all that happens.

Kyle and her daughters go to some jewelry store where one of the older ones, I don’t know/don’t care which one, has her ears pierced and shrieks a lot. Seeing this, Portia understandably opts to not have her ears pierced, because, oh hell no. This is all that happens.

Later, Kyle takes Portia for an acting lesson, explaining that this was Portia’s choice and she’s not a stage mom like her mother, and anyway, it’s not like anything bad ever happens to child actors anyway, right?

kim kiss

Elsewhere, in the land of Dramatic Irony, Yoyawnda and Musical Genius David Foster go on a yachting adventure in British Columbia to “reconnect.” It mostly involves Yoyawnda explaining to Musical Genius David Foster that she can’t go hiking/boating/fishing/skiing with him because of The Illness, and Musical Genius David Foster sighing heavily and rolling his eyes. It makes me very uncomfortable.


Finally, Lisa Vanderpump has Kyle, Lisa Rinna and Eileen come to PINK HOUSE to meet the mini-Vandermares and drink wine in the middle of the day. While Lisa, Lisa and Kyle wait for Eileen to show up (~ugh, Eileen~) Lisa Vanderpump mentions to Kyle that Kim Richards had been on Entertainment Tonight recently, calling her a Vanderphony. Apparently, Kim was making the publicity rounds, promoting Sharknado 3 in which she had a bit role that ends with her being squished by a shark:

kim richards sharknado 3

…even though that is neither how either physics nor sharks work.

Kyle is all, “not my problem,” because she’s bored with this conversation already, and who can blame her, really.

Lisa Rinna then changes the conversation by mentioning that according to her Instagram posts, Yoyawnda seems to be having a glorious vacation in Canada, despite being on death’s door. Lisa Rinna then explains that “people” have been asking her about Yoyawnda’s health, which makes Lisa Rinna feel guilty about talking behind Yoyawnda’s back, so here’s some medical information that Lisa Rinna looked up on WebMD.com that suggests Yoyawnda is making the whole thing up, let’s talk about it on camera: “Munchausen syndrome is a psychiatric factitious disorder wherein those affected feign disease, illness, or psychological trauma to draw attention,sympathy, or reassurance to themselves,” Lisa Rinna begins reading while Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle cringe nearby. “Munchausen syndrome fits within the subclass of factitious disorder with predominantly physical signs and symptoms, but they also have a history of recurrent hospitalization, travelling, and dramatic, extremely improbable tales of their past experiences.”


Eileen then arrives, and is like, “Hey, what are we talking about?” And Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle are all, “Oh nothing, Lisa Rinna was just telling us about how she thinks Yoyawnda is faking her Lyme Disease is all,” and Lisa Rinna immediately realizes that maybe, possibly talking on camera about Munchausen syndrome in relation to Yoyawnda was maybe not such a great idea after all.


And then everyone chases the mini-Vanderhorses around the backyard for a while because these poor creatures have just trotted into their worst nightmare.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8 p.m.

This post was originally published on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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