‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Hello darkness, my old friend

Bachelor in Paradise
September 6, 2015

HOUR SIXTEEN.

[Symptoms:

leslie knope drunk pants now parks

]

Last we left our dummies on Dummy Island, Khaste Kardashian had procured an overnight fantasy suite date from Chris Harrison, because that is apparently a thing you can just ask for, who knew, and she invited Cousin Max to join her, mostly to keep him out of the asymmetrical clutches of the newest arrival, Picasso Face. But also possibly, maybe, finally to rid herself of her virginity once and for all.

So Khaste and Cousin Max arrive at some resort where the fantasy suite is all made up for them, almost as if the producers already knew it was going to be used that night. But that can’t be, because Khaste “spontaneously” came up with this whole plan not an hour or so earlier.

happy endings suspicious.gif
HMMMM…

Anyway, they arrive at this production-ready fantasy suite and drink some champagne and sit next to each other in complete, painful silence. Eventually they make their way into the bedroom and sit next to each other on the bed in complete, painful silence. Basically, Khaste and Cousin Max’s entire “relationship” is just toddler parallel play.

Finally, then we are excused from the fantasy suite before things get HOTTTTT and SEXXXY, or because there is only so much footage of two people sitting near one another while not talking that you can show on television.

The next morning, Family First comes to the realization that time is running short at Casa de Soltero, and there is nothing going on between him and Other Widow. If he’s going to hook up with someone else before he’s evicted from another Bachelor series, he’s going to need to shed some single mother weight. So he trudges over to Other Widow and is like, “Hey, you’re awesome, and a really special person, but not quite awesome or special enough for me to date. But thanks for being my free ticket back to Mexico!”

Other Widow cries, because … well, I don’t know why. She thought Family First, a person with whom she had ZERO chemistry, was the one? Is that why she’s crying? In any event, she cries and then she does the only sensible thing she has done in five weeks on Isla de Enfermedades de Transmisión Sexual: she finally packs her things and she finally goes home to her daughter.

JUELIA

Meanwhile, ol’ Broken Face still has a date card to use, and she stomps around Casa de Soltero looking for a victim while wearing a much-too-small bathing suit whose limitations have to be blurred out to spare the eyeballs of the innocent. Eventually she lands on The Golden Retriever, who agrees to join her for her date even though it threatens to involve tickling in some fashion.

Ah, but that’s when the next — and final (gracias a Dios) — Reject arrives: Cassandra from Juan Pablo’s season, or “Paula Abdul” as I called her because she is a former NBA dancer, and that was the only thing about her that stood out to me, apparently. Paula here is lovely, does not have a broken face and wears clothing that actually fits her, and so when she invites The Golden Retriever on her date, he is all, YES, PLEASE. I HAVE JUST MET YOU AND I LOVE YOU.

excited dug up

But before he can leave with Paula Abdul, he has to go tell Picasso Face that he’s just met someone prettier with whom he has more of a connection because they both kids, and long story short, she’s going to have to tickle someone else. OKGOODBYETOYOU.

Picasso Face is not amused, and pouts that to be successful at Casa de Soltero you have to 1. have a kid, 2. talk to fruits and vegetables, 3. talk to animals or 4. be a psychopath. Of course, it also helps to 1. not come marching in yelling that you’re here to steal boyfriends 2. not wear clothes that actively traumatize others and 3. not have a broken face. Picasso Face finally sighs that she can’t tell if with this collection of Rejects she’s actually winning for losing.

don draper om.gif

OH MY GOD, SOMEONE ON THIS SHOW HAS FINALLY REACHED ENLIGHTENMENT.

Oh, and Cousin Max and Khaste Kardashian return from their overnight date and are stupid and coy about whether or not they made the sex so let’s just not pay any attention to them.

mere fact you call pop-pop arrested development

As for Paula Abdul and her new pet, The Golden Retriever, they go on a horse-riding date, talk about their kids, and make out on the beach. True fact: I am going to completely forget that these two people even exist the moment this show is over.

Meanwhile, Picasso Face is left dateless and uninterested in the other mouth-breathers remaining in Casa de Soltero. So Nick, who, as you might remember, broke Bachelor Pad, decides he’ll ask Picasso Face for the date card if she’s not going to use it. The problem is, to win Bachelor Pad, Nick basically screwed Picasso Face over and then screwed Picasso Face’s best friend over, taking the entire $250,000 prize for himself. Somehow this doesn’t deter him from asking Picasso Face for a favor. So he approaches Picasso Face all, “No hard feelings?” But Picasso Face isn’t having it, and asks if the date card is worth $250,000 to him. She then makes him roll around in the sand pretending he’s in a Victoria’s Secret photo shoot before she relinquishes the date card. You shoulda held out for more, girl.

That evening, Nick takes LacePants on Picasso Face’s “tickle” date, which fortunately for everyone involves no tickling. Instead, they go to a resort and eat a fancy dinner prepared for them by another Celebrity Chef who was flown in from Mexico City for the honor of feeding these two halfwits who have never seen gazpacho before. They eat. The end.

Back at Casa de Soltero, Cousin Max comes to a realization.

huge-mistake

So he marches over to Khaste Kardashian, again, sits her down, again, and explains to her AGAIN that he’s just not that into her. Having learned the first 8 times he broke up with her that she can’t take a hint, Cousin Max then explains that he’s going to make this break up stick by removing himself from Casa de Soltero. Now. Immediately. This instant. With that, he grabs his suitcase and puts himself in the Por Favor No Me Stalk Van and flees from Khaste Kardashian and her thick skull once and for all. “At least she’s no longer suffering,” he actually says, because she’s (finally) dead to him now.

JARED

Khaste Kardashian kries.

HOUR SEVENTEEN.

[Symptoms: Lost time, regret, alcoholism.]

Before the Last Ceremonia de Rosas Before Things Become Serious begins, Glitter Girl and Kirk have a moment alone on the beach where Glitter Girl tells him that he is her “idiot” and that she can see the two of them married and having kids. And this is a moment — you can actually see it happen (in fact, go look at the picture at the top of this entry) — when Kirk realizes that he is in over his head and has made a tiny huge mistake.

hello darkness my old friend gob arrested development.gif

But no time for existential ennui, there’s a ceremonia de rosas to get to, and to which Picasso Face arrives wearing this:

JACLYN SWARTZ, CARLY WADDELL

no-thank-you please.gif

Before things get started, Chris Harrison announces that there will be no cocktail party before the roses are handed out, because enough already. With that, Khaste Kardashian stands up and announces that she had something called a “whimsical attachment” to Cousin Max, but now that he’s gone, she can’t see herself with any of the other meatheads here. And so, goodbye, everyone, it’s been snotty.

ASHLEY I.

Let the final (but not really, though) ceremonia de rosas begin.

Kirk gives his rose to Glitter Girl.
Tanner gives his rose to Boobs McTrashShoes.
Nick gives his rose to LacePants.
Cousin Merl gives his rose to Elevenley.
The Golden Retriever gives his rose to Paula Abdul.

When it’s Dansome’s turn, he announces that while he had fun with Bloomin’ Onion, in the end she was crazypants. And if LacePants and Paula Abdul are off the market, he’s no longer interested and will be leaving and taking his meticulously groomed beard with him. SMELL YA LATER, SUCKERS.

DAN

The only man left to offer a rose is Family First, who everyone is kinda surprised is still hanging around. But here he is, offering his rose to Collards, who is like, “Ew. No.” Family First sighs, and is all, “WELL THAT HAPPENED. FINE, I GUESS I’LL GO HOME THEN. AGAIN,” and the big dope leaves once and for all. Unless he returns in the next episode … he doesn’t return in the next episode, does he?

MIKEY T.

And with Family First’s departure, there are no more rosas left, so Casa de Soltero is flushed of four more Lady Rejects:

ASHLEY S.

 

JACLYN

AMBER

CHELSIE

Adios, ladies. You shall all be remembered forgotten.

As the Rejects left standing celebrate their good fortune at still being at Casa de Soltero, Glitter Girl sings a little song that goes, “A rose is just a rose until he gets down to propose.”

“Great song! Sing some more!” Kirk does not say.

hello darkness my old friend gob arrested development

The next morning, Chris Harrison explains that it’s now Very Serious Business Time. Each couple will go on a one-on-one date that will include an overnight. The next day, they will decide if they want to continue to see this person after they are all kicked out of Mexico once and para todos.

Glitter can barely contain her excitement as she and the other girls go squealing off to their quarters to get ready for their big dates.

Kirk, however, is less than excited.

hello darkness my old friend gob arrested development

As Kirk has decided that he is not actually interested in making babies with Glitter Girl, he announces his intentions to dump her to the other men who are like, “WHOA. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, BRO.”

So Kirk heads over to the Lady Reject treehouse and asks to speak to Glitter alone. As he leads her down to the beach, she actually asks him, “are you dumping me” to which he replies, “shhhhh…”

LOL LOL LOL.

They sit on the beach, “in the spot where it all started” according to one of them, it doesn’t matter who, and Kirk is like, “Hey, it’s been real, but I can’t do this anymore.” Glitter Girl is absolutely, completely blindsided by this announcement. As Kirk tries to explain that his feelings just haven’t caught up to hers, she’s like, “You know what? I’m out. Bye,” and tries to walk away. He attempts to make her stay and listen to his Nice Words about how special she is, but she’s like, “NOPE. BYE,” and heads back up to the Lady Reject treehouse.

There, she explains to the other women what just happened, sobs, packs and yells, “I HATE HIM” a few dozen times. Boobs McTrashShoes starts crying right beside her because she has way too much invested in other people’s relationships.

After explaining to the men that the breakup went as poorly as possible, Kirk tries once more to talk to Glitter Girl to “explain” himself, but she’s like, “I GET IT. YOU’RE DUMPING ME. YOU DO NOT GET TO TRY TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT BY SAYING WORDS AT ME.”

And with that, Glitter Girl and Kirk both load up into their own Well I Didn’t See That Coming Vans, where they cry and cry and cry. And cry.

adios kirk

CARLY

 

And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cry myself to sleep because TRUE LOVE IS DEAD.

Bachelor in Paradise aired Sundays and Mondays on ABC for three hours each week. The damage to my liver will never be undone.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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