‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Jungle love

Bachelor in Paradise
September 7, 2015



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This is it, amigos. El fin. The Jalisco state government have demanded in the name of public safety that the Producers fumigate Casa de Soltero, so it’s time for the dummies need to pair up and get out. And not a moment too soon for my liver.

After the ¡cómo shocking! Kirk-Glitter Girl breakup, we have four remaining couples: LacePants and Nick; The Golden Retriever and Paula Abdul; Cousin Merl and Elevenley; and Boobs McTrashShoes and Tanner. Chris Harrison has informed them that they are all going to go on one-on-one dates that will end with the possibility of a fantasy suite, and the eight are forced to contemplate their own romantic possibilities. To do this, the Rejects sit alone for several hours in their treehouses, wringing their hands over what happened to Kirk and Glitter — which, again, has absolutely no bearing on their own relationships — and writing nonsense words in their journals. “Inspired!” “Unexpected!” “Expected!” Elevenley scribbles for no reason whatsoever.

Finally it’s date time, not that we actually see any of the dates, because YAWN, WHO CARES, GET TO THE SEXYTIMES. So instead of watching the couples stroll around Mexican towns looking at sombreros that only gringos buy or having picnic lunches inside helicopters or whatever, we just cut to the action: will they or won’t they fantasy suite?

Nick yammers at Sam about how he never expected to meet someone like her, except that he totally did, because they had that whole three-month long text relationship that he brings up before insisting that she is here for the “right reasons.” (DRINK.) As they move into the fantasy suite, Nick assures us that he’s excited to “dig in deep.”

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The Golden Retriever is also “excited to dig in deep” with fellow single parent, Paula Abdul, but Paula Abdul is all, “Straight up, now tell me do you really want to love me forever? Oh oh oh. Or am I caught in a hit and run? Straight up now tell me is it gonna be you and me together? Oh oh oh. Or are you just having fun?” And in short, she will not be fantasy suiteing with The Golden Retriever because it would be inappropriate. SHE IS A MOTHER.

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As for Cousin Merl and Elevenley, our favorite Disney Princess is having second thoughts about her relationship with the big galoot because of Glitter Girl and Kirk or because of “Inspired!” “Unexpected!” “Expected!” or because he can’t string together a sentence more complicated than “Me like you.” Whichever. The point is, she decides that because she has doubts, she should accept the fantasy suite, if only to confirm said doubts.

Finally, Tanner and Boobs McTrashShoes head straight into the fantasy suite without looking back. There, they exchange “I love yous” and bodily fluids.


The next morning, everyone is returned to Casa de Soltero for the Honest to Dios Final Rose Ceremonias. But before they return to their separate quarters to wash the fantasy suite off of them, Elevenley and Cousin Merl have a whispered cry in the jungle together, where Elevenley worries that he’s just so very dumb they don’t live close enough to one another for a relationship to work. Sounds like someone fell short in the ol’ fantasy suite, Cousin Merl.

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First up to the romantic stump de rosas: The Golden Retriever and Paula Abdul. The Golden Retriever tells Paula Abdul that she’s super pretty and wants her to have his rose, and she’s like, “eh, why not, this is all meaningless anyway.” TRUE LOVE.

Next are Nick and LacePants who has changed into a LaceSkirt for this Big Important Moment. Nick opens with a terrible pickup line about her suffocating him because she takes his breath away. UGH.

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She then calls him her “Prince Leathery Charming” who saved her from Evil Cleetus and they exchange roses. TRUE LOVE.

The doomed pair of Cousin Merl and Elevenley take their places at the stump next. After Cousin Merl goes on about how he’d love to try to make it work with her someplace where they’re not digging sand out of their bits and pieces, Elevenley is like, “Yeah, thanks, but no thanks.” And with many tears, the two climb into their Pendejomobiles and return to America, presumably to do all of the molly.

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Finally, our Couple of Destiny: Boobs McTrashShoes and Tanner. Boobs kicks off the conversation and says a bunch of nice things about how Tanner makes her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, blah blah blah he’s great, etc. But then Tanner pulls the ol’ switcheroo on Boobs, and claims that he “can’t give [her] this rose,” and we’re supposed to be like, “OH NO!!!!” except that a half-witted Bachelorette contestant could see where this is headed. He then pulls out an engagement ring, and proposes. BECAUSE NO ONE LEAVES MEXICO UNTIL SOMEONE GETS ENGAGED. Boobs says yes, and it is –Dios bless them — genuinely very sweet. I don’t know what’s changed in me in the these 18 hours together (my liver’s fattiness), I don’t what’s wrong with me (Stockholm Syndrome), but I have to say this is a sincerely very sweet moment, and Boobs and Tanner seem like a lovely couple who just might make this thing work.

So congratulations, Boobs, Tanner seems like a stand-up guy. And congratulations, Tanner, on becoming the future Mr. McTrashShoes. Your matching Playboy/Playgirl spreads will be lovely additions to the wedding album.

As for the rest of the Rejects who were sent home early:

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JJ failed to win back the girl of his dreams. He is available on tinder.
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Months later, Ashley is still obsessed with Jared. 
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Jared is still obsessed with Kaitlyn.
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Clare is still talking to animals.
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Joe is still unhappy and single.
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Kirk is currently enrolled in the Witness Protection Program.

And that’s it, pollitos. We survived. Somehow. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go on a juice cleanse and slip into a coma for the next four months. Wake me when they announce the next 25 dumb-dumbs who think meeting their husband on a competitive reality show sounds like a good life plan.


Bachelor in Paradise aired Sundays and Mondays on ABC for three hours each week. The damage to my liver will never be undone.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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