‘Fear the Walking Dead’: All dogs go to heaven

Fear the Walking Dead
“The Dog”
September 13, 2015

At Madison’s house, Nick continues his detox by snorting more drugs, and Daughter continues wondering what the heck is happening, since no one seems to be in a particular hurry to tell her. To kill some time until Travis can return, Madison pulls out a Monopoly game, and we watch people play Monopoly for 10 minutes.

Remind me again why people aren’t into this show as much as the original?

Before Nick can buy up all the utilities, however, gunshots are fired somewhere outside, and someone tries to break in through the backdoor. Nick pulls back the curtains to reveal that it’s just a german shepherd, not a cannibalistic next door neighbor and everyone is like, “WHEW, IT’S JUST A STRANGE DOG COVERED IN BLOOD. WHY NOT LET HIM IN?” And so they let the dog in and he immediately goes running to the front door, and barks as though the mailman were coming. “BARK BARK,” says The Dog, “I BARK AT THIS DOOR. BARK.” So they check the front windows, and see Mr. Neighbor shuffling his way towards them.

Nick announces that they should go loot the other neighbor’s house, because he just happens to know they have a shotgun. DON’T WORRY ABOUT HOW HE KNOWS THAT, everyone should just come with him to hop over the back fence, climb through the Trans’ crazy maze-like backyard (seriously, what is up with that backyard, Trans?), break into the Trans’ house, root through their belongings and steal the Trans’ weapons. I’m sure the Trans would have no problem with any of this.

And they find the gun and some shotgun shells just in time to hear The Dog yelping from inside their house because some dummies JUST LEFT THE HOUSE WIDE OPEN FOR THE DOG TO BE EATEN BY NEIGHBOR.

“Cool, thanks guys.” — The Dog.

Meanwhile, downtown: riot riot riot. Travis, Ex-Wife, Dumb Teenage Son, and the Nice Barber Family finally have to take their chances on escaping when the rioters manage to break into the business next door and set it on fire, as rioters are wont to do. So everyone decides to make a mad dash through the rioters and the zombies and the ill-equipped police, and they almost make it to Travis’ truck without anyone being injured. Alas, Señora Barber is trapped under some scaffolding that was toppled over by rude rioters, and though they manage to pull her to safety, she’s left with one very nasty looking ankle.

“Trust me on this, you’re going to want to just chop that thing off.”

Ex-Wife, who happens to be a student nurse, tells Travis that Señora needs medical attention and that they should go to her hospital. However, when they arrive at said hospital, the patients are busily being shot by the police out on the yard, so they decide on Plan B: Madison’s dog and zombie and zombie-dog filled house.

From next door, Madison and Nick see that Travis is pulling into the driveway and are like, “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO” but there’s no way to communicate with him to not go into the house. So Travis wanders in to find Mr. Neighbor enjoying a little german shepherd tartar, and is like, “Uh, Mr. Neighbor? Is everything alright?”


Meanwhile, Madison and the kids begin running back to her house, only to realize that they forgot the shotgun shells, so Dumb Daughter returns for them, only to realize that she’s not alone in the house: “Oh hai, Mrs. Tran. My what a gray complexion you have!”

Back in Madison’s house, as Travis is trying to offer Mr. Neighbor a glass of water, Mr. Neighbor decides that Travis would make for a much more satisfying snack than The Dog. Fortunately for Travis, Señor Barber has a gun, and he knows his Zombieland rules, specifically #2:



And back at the Trans’ house, Daughter is learning the value of rule #1:



She eventually makes it through the Trans’ crazy backyard and is yoinked over the fence by Dumb Teenage Son who happened to be there throwing up at the sight of Mr. Neighbor’s brains all over Madison’s dining room carpet.

So with everyone safe and/or really for reals dead (R.I.P. The Dog), everyone is able to asses what they are dealing with. While everyone is all, “Oh, poor Mrs. Tran, what is she sick with,” Nick is like,” NAH, SHE DEAD.” Because she dead. Awful Daughter begins freaking out, thinking about Boyfriend, who is also Not Sick But Dead, but everyone’s like, “Shut up already, Awful Daughter”

Inside, Nice Barber Family promise that they will call Señor Barber’s “cousin” in the morning; in the meantime, is it cool that they stay here for the night? Not only is it cool, but Travis announces that everyone is going to stay the night, and they’ll leave for the desert in the morning. “Harumph,” says Madison.

Travis drags Mr. Neighbor’s body outside, while Senñor Barber tsks that he should burn him instead. “Harumph,” says Travis.

Travis then heads back inside where Ex-Wife warns Travis that Señora Barber is going to die from her infected wound, and Travis is like, “Not my problem.”

In the bedroom where the Barber Family is resting, Señorita Barber confronts her father on this lie he told about calling his “cousin” when she knows perfectly well that their entire family was wiped out in El Salvador. When she suggests that they should leave with Travis and Madison, Señor Barber is like, “NOPE. Instead, we’re going to become squatters in this sweet free house.”

As for Madison, she has a heart-to-heart with Ex-Wife, where she foreshadows asks Ex-Wife to double tap her if she goes the way of Mrs. Tran. Ex-Wife is like, “NO PROBLEMO, GRINGA.”

The next morning, Travis gets to the business of burying Mr. Neighbor while Mrs. Tran looks on through the fence like some sort of nightmare vision of Home Improvement.


Meanwhile, other neighbors take out the trash like NBD.

Inside Madison’s house, Señor Barber teaches Dumb Teenaged Son how to use a gun, which makes Travis VERY ANGRY when he comes inside because HE IS SO DUMB. EVERYONE IS SO DUMB ON THIS SHOW.



So, the cars are loaded, and everyone is ready to head out to the desert, when Madison is like, “Oh, before we go, I am going to go hit Mrs. Tran in the face with this hammer, BRB.” But Travis stops her because he’s very dumb.



Madison makes a bunch of foreshadowy worried noises about the fact that Mr. Tran isn’t home, and what if he comes home to find Mrs. Tran like this, but Travis is all, “Not our problem.”

So Madison gets in the car with her kids and Nick starts whining about wanting more Oxy, but Madison is like, “too bad, so sad, I gave it to Señora Barber, suck it up.”

But before they can actually pull out of their driveway, who should pull into his, but Mr. Tran. Madison hops out of the car to try to stop Mr. Tran before he gets his face eaten by Mrs. Tran, but stupid Mr. Tran doesn’t listen and goes in for a face-eating hug from his wife. But before she can chomp on his cheek, Mrs. Tran is shot squarely in the face by the National Guard who have swooped in to “save” the day.

The National Guard takes inventory of the residents, and Travis claims that there are nine of them living in Madison’s ranch house, counting among them The Nice Barber Family. Madison asks the soldiers about Mr. Tran, and is told that he was “covered in infected blood” so he’s … somewhere else. Don’t worry about it.

Meanwhile, Nick takes the opportunity to sneak off to find another hit of something, Lipitor, insulin, whatever ya got, while an airplane banks menacingly overhead. And Señor Barber watches the soldiers as they go house to house, marking them with Katrina Xs, and notes that it’s “already too late.” Es verdad.

Fear the Walking Dead airs Sundays at 8 p.m. on AMC.

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