Bachelor in Paradise
August 10, 2015
[Symptoms: Light-headedness, chills]
Cousin Max and Niña de Papa prepare for their date as though Khaste Kardashian didn’t put on nude lipstick and even though Family First, in his misery, is rendered incapable of doing anything but lay on his cot and pass gas. Sorrow gas. Gas of the sorrows. And yet, Cousin Max and Niña de Papa act as though there is nothing wrong with them going out on a date together on this, a reality dating show. How dare they.
Mikey finally emerges from his den of flatulence to reveal that he has dealt with his grief by shaving off his face scruff (Cousin Max should take notes), and declares “BEARD NIÑA GONE.” One of the other men (who knows which one, who cares) notes that he just referred to Niña as his “beard” …
… and Family First is all, “ME CALL HER MORE BAD WORDS.” He then repeats the whole “Niña de Papa took her [BLEEP] out,” line from the night before and now, with a little context, I think he’s saying “t!ts” even though that is not a thing that people say about a woman who is excited except in New Orleans during Mardi Gras, and even then that is just a simple transaction, it has nothing to do with romance.
Family First continues to pout that “SHE SAY ‘KEEP THING OPEN.’ ME THINK SHE SAY ‘GO SLOW.’ SHE MEAN ‘KEEP THING OPEN.'” So, it’s hard to have a lot of sympathy for Dumb-Dumb here. She can only say “thanks but no thanks” so many times before it’s on you to hear it, Meatball.
So, Niña and Cousin Max sail on a boat for a while before heading to a bungee-jumping platform hovering over the ocean. Niña de Papa is all, “SQUEE, I AM A GIRL AND SCARED OF TALL THINGS AND YOU SHOULD KISS ME BECAUSE I AM TREMBLING AND SO SCARED, EEK,” and Cousin Max obliges, after all he’s the one who asked her on the date.
They then strap in to their safety harnesses and some man shoves them off the platform and Niña screams and she screams and she screams and she screams and she screams and she screams and she screams and she screams and she screams and she screams and Cousin Max realizes he’s made a huge mistake.
As for Niña de Papa, she talks about how she hasn’t had the “comfort” of a man in a long time, “comfort” that she seems to have found on her little bungee ride.
Back at the beach, Khaste Kardashian pouts that Niña is 8 whole years older than Cousin Max and that he just must be attracted to gross old cougars.
Again, Niña is 33 years old.
Eventually Niña and Cousin Max return from their big date and while Niña de Papa is yammering MUY EXCITEDLY about “curling [her] body” around Cousin Max to someone, in the next room Khaste cries about not wanting to listen to Niña telling stories like she “thinks she’s a princess.” Somehow, Princess Jasmine here fails to recognize the irony in this.
Meanwhile, Cleetus is furiously ignoring Other Widow, while Other Widow is furiously ignoring the fact that Cleetus is furiously ignoring her. And while that little pas de deux isn’t taking place, Cleetus is busy telling anyone who will listen that he is SO EXCITED to meet someone named “Samantha” who was supposedly on Farmer Teeth’s season. I still have no idea who this “Samantha” person is, but she apparently made quite the impression on Cleetus in her six weeks on The Bachelor, if less of one on your trusty blogger. (WAIT, WHAT? 6 WEEKS? FOR REALS? HOW WAS SHE ON FOR 6 WEEKS AND I HAVE NO MEMORY OF HER? I’ve got to cut back on the box wine, y’all. This is what we call a “wake-up call.”)
And, curiously, though everyone has been wringing their hands about Other Widow and the fact that she has a daughter and that anyone who dates her has to be Very Serious about her, no one thinks to mention Cleetus’ interest in Samantha to Other Widow? Y’all are all really good friends. Great job, guys.
Then there is Tenley. Already torn between Unemployed and Cousin Merl, Tenley’s life becomes even more complicated when yet another Bachelor Reject arrives, Michael Garofola, or, as I called him during Princess Desiree’s season, “Wilford Brimley” because he has the diabeetus and because HAHAHAHA, chronic diseases are hilarious; and as I call him now, a Twitter buddy.
A personal message to Michael: WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THIS NONSENSE, MICHAEL? WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING. WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR BRAIN? AND … HOLD UP, WERE YOU DATING AZZZLIII FROM DALLAS SEAN’S SEASON AND FROM THE LAST SEASON OF BACHELOR IN PARADISE WHERE SHE ACTED LIKE A COMPLETE CRAZY PERSON? HER? IS SHE FUNNY OR SOMETHING?
WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING YOU ARE TOO SMART FOR ALL OF THIS I DON’T EVEN.
~long pull from my glass of box wine~
Alright, so Wilford explains that he’s here for Tenley, who he says is more like an “elevenly.”
Wilford heads into the Casa de Soltero and reveals that his date card reads that he is supposed to choose his “cielito lindo” or “pretty little sky,” and all the other men are like, “OH NO HE IS SMART AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL SMART QUICK I SHOULD FLEX SOMETHING.” Wilford asks “Eleventy” to join him on his date, explaining that she was the only one he was hoping to meet, and she agrees if only to escape from the cloud of Family First’s Axe body spray for a few hours.
Wilford and Elevenly (guess what, you have a new nickname, Tenley, blame your date) go to some resort where the Producers thought it would be funny to put their dinner in the middle of a flooded patio for some reason. There, Wilford explains that he wanted to meet her because she’s pretty and stuff. They chat and kiss and eat and then suddenly they are swarmed by a hundred mariachis all playing “Cielito Lindo,” or “The Ay Yi Yi Yi” song as most Americans know it. I’m pretty sure both George Bluth and Gene Parmesan were in the crowd somewhere.
Back at the beach, Family First’s 3 KB brain has come to the torturously slow realization that he will not be receiving Niña de Papa’s rose, and that he needs to find someone else desperate enough to keep him around. To this end, he fixates on Other Widow, taking her aside, insisting that he’s a better choice for her than Cleetus, and attempts to put his giant muscle face on her face. But she’s NOT INTERESTED, NO MEANS NO, STOP IT.
Meanwhile, Cousin Max is dealing with his huge, tiny mistake named Niña de Papa …
… and he explains that while he had fun with her on their date, and, like, she’s cool and whatever, she’s also really old. Like, really really old. Like, SO OLD. So, you know, it’s been great. Bye, Grandma, bye.
Again, she’s thirty-three. 33. Thirty plus three. She was born in 1982.
Alright, time to thin this herd of dummies. At the moment there are three obvious couples: Dansome and Bloomin’ Onion; Boobs McTrashShoes and Tanner; and Kirk and Glitter Girl. Everyone else is a giant question mark.
Or not! As Other Widow blurts out, “CLEETUS, YOU’RE GONNA GET MY ROSE,” before Chris Harrison can even dismiss them to the bar. Seeing dragging his suitcase across the beach in his future unless he does something about this, Jonathan asks to speak to Other Widow alone. There he tells her that he’s concerned that Cleetus … say it with me now … “isn’t there for the right reasons.” Other Widow is unimpressed, and it doesn’t help that she knows perfectly well that she’s Jonthan’s only hope for a rose.
Same with Family First who does the same thing: pull her aside, “CLEETUS NO RIGHT REASONS. NOW YOU PUT FACE ON MY FACE.”
Other Widow remains unimpressed, and promptly tattles on both Jonathan and Family First to Cleetus, who, desperate to meet this “Samantha” character, is NOT AMUSED. To this end, he goes directly to Family First and is all, “DUDE.” And then Family First is all, “DUDE!” And then Cleetus is like, “Dude?” And Family First is all, “…Dude.” And then Cleetus declares Family First officially defeated and his “bitch.” He even comes up with a hash tag, #CleetusMadeMeHisBitch, which is how we are absolutely certain he is the villain as hash tags are the very worst.
Cleetus then takes his terribleness over to Jonathan, informs him that he knows what he did, and insists that it hurts him to know that a friend would betray him that way. Jonathan bursts into sad, sad mantears and begs for Cleetus’ forgiveness.
I do not understand what is happening.
Cleetus then asks Jonathan to go tell Other Widow that he only told her that Cleetus was here for the wrong reasons because he wanted her rose for himself, WHICH HE DOES. WHILE CLEETUS WATCHES.
And then Jonthan retreats to his bedroom to have a full on mansob.
I LITERALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE THINGS THAT I AM WATCHING ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN.
But seriously, how much are these people drinking? Michael Garofola: are you people just hooked up to an IV of mezcal the moment you arrive at Casa de Soltero? Does tequila just flow from all of the taps? Do you shower in vodka? I NEED ANSWERS.
Meanwhile, out of nowhere, Cousin Max has circled back around to Khaste Kardashian of all people, and begins chewing on her nude lips, much to her delight and relief.
Niña Abuelita de Papa, however, is not amused.
So when the Rejects are gathered together pre-ceremony, Abuelita declares that she has an announcement: She didn’t come here to play games and strategize, she came here to find love, and last season was SO MUCH BETTER, and THOSE REJECTS WERE REALLY THERE FOR LOVE, unlike this season which is made up of a bunch of stupid little kids who are just here to hook up and be big babies.
This goes over exactly as well as anyone could have expected, which is to say, NOT WELL AT ALL. And before the ceremonia de rosa can officially begin, Boobs McTrashShoes announces that, “UH, I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ABUELITA: OLD LADY, YOU’RE RUDE.” That off her ample chest, the ceremonia de rosa is allowed to proceed.
Glitter Girl offers her rose to Kirk
Bloomin’ Onion offers her rose to Dansome
Boobs McTrashShoes offers her rose to Tanner
Elevenley offers her rose to Cousin Merl
When it’s Abuelita’s turn, however, instead of just handing her rose over to someone, anyone, because who even cares, really, Abuelita de Papa storms off into the jungle, sobbing, thus ending the episode in a tear-stained cliffhanger. Never change, Niña de Papa.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. Saints and tequila preserve me.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.