‘Bachelor in Paradise’: I’m going to need more eye bleach

Bachelor in Paradise
August 16, 2015

HOUR SEVEN.

[Symptoms: Hives, chills, distractedness]

We pick up where we left off in the previous episode: mid-ceremonia de rosa, mid-Niña de Papa freakout. As she tries to explain to a completely-over-this-crap Chris Harrison, the reason she fled the ceremonia de rosa is that she wanted Cousin Max to chase after her she “doesn’t feel right” being here anymore. SHE’S TRIED TO FIND LOVE, CHRIS HARRISON, SHE TRIED. Chris Harrison says, “you’ve been here for a week,” before telling her to get over herself and go give someone, anyone a rose, and shoving her back out onto the platform de rosa handouts.

So, Niña returns to the group, and everyone calls her pathetic in their individual interviews because if she isn’t pathetic, the word has no meaning.

Khaste Kardashian offers her rose to Cousin Max
Niña de Papa offers her rose to Unemployed
Other Widow offers her rose to Cleetus, the poor dummy

Adios, Jonathan. I wish I’d come up with a better nickname for you. Is it too late to start calling you Señor Weepy?

JONATHAN

Adios, Family First, you big lunk. How about you cut back on the anabolic steroids and read a few feminist blogs about the definition of “consent” when you get home.

adios mikey.jpeg

 

And adios, Wilford Brimley, mi amigo. To be honest, I have very mixed feelings about your appearance this season. On the one hand, you’re too clever for both this show and the women on it. On the other hand, I am actually bummed for you that things didn’t work out with Elevenley because she does seem sweet.

MICHAEL

And on the other other hand, I AM FURIOUS WITH YOU FOR MAKING ME EMOTIONALLY ENGAGE WITH THIS AWFUL SHOW. UGH.

and-thats-why-ra388v-600x338.png

Meanwhile, Cleetus is utterly gleeful that his diabolical plan to use Other Widow for her rose worked, and that he’s sticking around long enough for this “Samantha” to join the show. “Rose before bros,” he says, as if that means anything at all.

Right on cue, Samantha and her lace pants — LACE PANTS — arrive the very next morning, and Chris Harrison is all, “hahaha, no one knows who you are” before giving her the date card and sending her into the den of stupid. This, while Other Widow is telling the other ladies that she “loves” Cleetus and can see a future with him.

you met him on Sunday slow down

So LacePants comes prancing in, and doesn’t even pretend to be there for anyone other than Cleetus, whom she asks out before most of the contestants can even figure out what Bachelor season she’s from. Cousin Jared and the other men find LacePants’ laser focus on Cleetus curious and ask him point blank if he and Samantha had contact before the show. Cleetus unconvincingly says, “No?” Cousin Jared and the other men narrow their eyes in suspicion.

As for Other Widow, she does not see these Cleetus/LacePants developments coming from a mile away because those stupid headbands she insists on wearing are very effective in cutting off the circulation to her brain. She is upset.

But Cleetus and LacePants DON’T CURRRRRRR, and they go skipping through the Casa de Soltero holding hands, and off to their date while Other Widow stares in disbelief.

Their date involves going to the nearby resort, taking off their clothes and being photographed while crawling all over each other for People Magazine’s “Hot Body” issue. It’s gross. It’s so very very gross. There is tongue. Please, madam, put away your tongue. I did not want to see anyone’s tongue today.

They eventually return to Casa de Soltero, and tell everyone about their “sexy” date and Other Widow stomps off into the night, too overwhelmed to her anymore about how the guy she just met two days ago went on a date with another woman.  Cousin Max, Unexpected Voice of Reason, urges Cleetus to go talk to Other Widow, but Cleetus resists until Cousin Merl joins the Greek chorus of “C’mon man, be cool.”

So, with the enthusiasm of a 14-year-old boy forced to make conversation with his great-aunt at a family reunion, Cleetus approaches Other Widow and is like, “Ugh, what’s your problem?” Other Widow explains that she feels disrespected and lied to and disregarded, and Cleetus is all, “Ok, whatever, bye,” because he’s a low-functioning sociopath.

And then there is a weird contextless interlude involving Niña de Papa having a telephone conversation with a raccoon because the Producers are pretty sure this whole raccoon thing is just the height of hilarity. It is not.

As for the other couples, Glitter Girl REALLY REALLY REALLY wants to get into Kirk’s pants already, WHY WON’T HE LET HER INTO HIS PANTS? And so when the next date card arrives for Glitter Girl, she all but strips him of his bathing suit right there on the beach in front of everyone. “WE’RE GOING TO TOTALLY DO THE SEX, HOORAY!” she (doesn’t) yell. Kirk looks terrified.

And all is not paradise with Bloomin’ Onion and Dansome who has come, albeit very very slowly, to realize that he has hitched his particular wagon to a completely insane star. How could he possibly have come to that conclusion?

ashely s onion bachelor

mesa verde.gif

she pooped in my hand bird ashley bachelor in paradise

 

We may never know.

Out in the jungle, Chris Harrison awaits the next arrival, Megan, or “Helmet Head” as I named her after this amazing interlude during Farmer Teeth’s season:

helmet the bachelor

But she is late because she is distracted by the Mexican vendors selling gaudy sombreros to dumb gringos, and wondering what the difference is between New and Old Mexico. I am making no part of that up.

HOUR EIGHT.

[Symptoms: Increased itchiness, increased rage]

Glitter Girl and Kirk go on their overnight date where Kirk is like “I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THIS, YOU GUYS.” But then Glitter Girl calls her brother? Who just got married? In Ireland? And she wakes him up on his wedding night? And for some reason, watching Glitter Girl talk to her brother on the phone makes Kirk decide that maybe, just maybe, he can make the sex with Glitter Girl after all. Whatever gets you going, weirdo.

As for Dansome and Bloomin’ Onion, things are considerably less “romantic?” Is “romantic” the word we’re looking for here? Dansome takes Bloomin’ to one of the breakup beach beds, and is like, “Hey, it was fun, but I’m not interested anymore because you be crazy.” Bloomin’ Onion declares that if he is really breaking up with her, she’ll just leave the show, because there’s no one else here that she is interested in. But when Dansome doesn’t take the bait and beg her to stay, Bloomin’ takes another tack and announces that she is going to fight for him. Something about her chakras being aligned.

oprah no

 

So, Helmet Head finally arrives, and presents Chris Harris with a “sobero” before yelling, “ALOHA, MEXICO,” God bless her. She then takes her date card down to the Casa de Soltero and reads it to the other Rejects: “Choose a guy who is lista for your first ‘cita.” And the poor dumb creature, she is pretty sure “lista” means “first” in Spanish even though that would make the card read: “Choose a guy who is first for your first date.” OK OK, sure.

Dansome and Unemployed strike up flirtations with Sweet Dummy, hoping to escape the suffocating confines of their Bachelor crab prison, if only for an afternoon. And in the morning she makes her decision, and sneaks into Unemployed’s room while he’s sleeping to wake him with a date invitation, because who’s sexier than a unemployed divorced basement troll?

And then we spend the remainder of the episode wringing our hands over the whole Other Widow-Cleetus-LacePants triangle. While Other Widow calls her daughter who pleads with her mother to come home already, Samantha does something untoward with Cleetus’ little Cleetus in the hot tub and we are subjected to every moan and grunt.

party down shudder

MORE BLEACH. GET ONE OF THOSE FIREFIGHTING AIRPLANES, FILL IT WITH BLEACH, AND DUMP IT ON TOP OF CASA DE SOLTERO.

Meanwhile, now that he’s not having to deal with Crazy, Dansome fills his time by worrying over other people’s problems, and he decides that he will defend Other Widow in this mess with Cleetus. Dansome asks to talk to Cleetus, and by “talk,” Cleetus is pretty sure Dansome means “fight.” So it’s to Cleetus horror and dismay when Dansome actually leads him to a room where Other Widow is waiting to ambush him with yet even more talk about her feelings.

Other Widow demands to know whether or not Cleetus had contacted LacePants before coming to Casa de Soltero, and Cleetus is like, “YEP. WHAT OF IT.” Other Widow explains that she felt played by him, and that Family First and Jonathan both told her that Cleetus was here for Samantha, but that she chose to not believe them (something that if it did happen — and I do believe it did — was edited out of the broadcast). Cleetus tells her that they most certainly did not tell her that, and Other Widow is taken aback that he would have the audacity to tell her what she had experienced. Oh, honey, get used to it.

mansplaining-arrested-development

But then Other Widow has a uncharacteristic moment of brilliance and sighs that since LacePants is such a good friend, she has an obligation to tell her everything. After all, she doesn’t want her good friend to be played by Cleetus the way she was. Cleetus blanches, and begins furiously apologizing just as LacePants wanders in and asks what is happening. OOOH GURL, TAKE A SEAT. WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. Saints and tequila preserve me.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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