The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Hair We Go Again”
September 22, 2013
It’s only been a couple of days since I posted last about RHONJ, so your weekly Goombahs Go to Jail Update remains the same: no update. But! After next week’s season finale (Which seems earlier than usual, doesn’t it? This season is actually only one episode shorter than last, but it feels a lot shorter, somehow.), Il Meatballs will sit down with Andy Cohen and field questions about — well, I guess everything. SET YOUR DVRS NOW.
In other Real Housewives of New Jersey news that I forgot to include in the previous entry because ohmygodareyoukiddingme: the Manzos have been given their own spinoff. The MANZOS have been given their OWN SPIN-OFF. What is this? WHAT IS THIS? They are so boring! They are the boringest! I do not care about The Brownstone! I do not care about Little Town! I do not care about Cafface! I do not care about BLK water! I don’t even care about the random pigs running around their Franklin Lakes manse! I! DO! NOT! CARE! HOW WILL THIS BE A THING?
The last item of non-episode business: Jezebel.com has read Melissa’s book so you don’t have to, and unsurprisingly to anyone who has spent a little time with Il Follettos on this show, among its many retrograde charms, it essentially advocates marital rape.
In a section written by Folletto, he shares this wisdom:
Men, I know you think your woman isn’t the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says “no,” turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated.
Women don’t realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want.
And that’s just the tip of the sexist iceberg. There’s a whole lot more, including how men shouldn’t have to do any childcare or housework, how wives should just have sex with their husbands whenever he wants, how wives shouldn’t talk to anyone else while they are out with other people, how husbands should take their stress out on their wives instead of friends or business associates, how wives should always be at home, waiting for their husbands to walk in the door, and more! Read it all here. (Some sharp language, be warned.)
We begin the episode with Melissa and Folletto packing their bags to go to Orlando (What, you thought she was going to go down there by herself? Clearly you didn’t click the link above.), and discussing whether or not they believe that Penny Woman with the Doll Hair when she told them that Teresa had been behind her and her husband’s nasty rumor-spreading tweets about Melissa. I JUST DON’T KNOW! says Melissa. I JUST DON’T KNOW! says Folletto. So, that’s cleared up.
In Orlando, Johnny Wright explains that his compound is A Very Important and Historic Place where the careers of the Backstreet Boys and N’Sync and Britney Spears and the Jonas Brothers were all molded out of foam rubber and Clearasil. And that might be inspirational if Melissa weren’t old enough to have been any one of those performer’s mother back when they were taking choreography lessons here. Johnny Wright explains that she’s going to endure a 24-hour vocal boot camp before being dragged to a local radio station where she will sing “live” for the DJs. These DJs will then decide whether or not she performs at their annual concert in front of 150,000 people. This is serious business.
So, Melissa meets with the vocal coach and it is a hilarious disaster because SHE CAN NOT SING, Y’ALL. Even Melissa describes her voice as sounding like “a dead dog,” because yes, it does, and Folletto is all, “Yeah, she really can’t sing, but I still love her!” Meanwhile, the poor, poor vocal coach is just:
The next morning, Il Follettos, Johnny Wright, that poor 12-year-old producer, Justin Whatshisface, and some backup dancers (nobody said anything about backup dancers!) all head over to the radio station, where she is expected to perform in front of an audience that has been assembled in the radio station cafeteria or something, I don’t know guys, is this how radio stations work? I didn’t realize it was so participatory. After the DJs do a perfunctory interview with Melissa, she and the backup dancers head to the stage area where she sings “Never Let Me Go” live. And by “live,” I mean “so drowned out by the backing track that no one would ever be able to hear her dying dog voice even if they wanted to but no one would want to because YIKES.” But also, there’s so much choreography? When did she and these backup dancers have time to work out all this choreography? She only had 24 hours to prepare, and those were spent torturing that poor vocal coach, I thought? MYSTERY.
Meanwhile, back in Jersey, the Goldblum Jrs. join the Lauritas in their kitchen to listen to Melissa’s performance over the satellite radio which is broadcasting this live, for some reason. They seem just as baffled by why they are doing this as we are.
And elsewhere, the Meatballs pile into their car and drive around in circles underneath Folletto’s billboard while listening to Melissa be drowned out by her backing track.
After listening, Teresa, in the most amazing compliment ever, declares that, “it’s not everyday that a 30-something becomes a pop star.”
Oh, and Melissa is booked to perform in a concert run by an Orlando radio station because of course she is, what did you think, that they would fly all the way down there, have Melissa perform on national television and then be like, “Yeah, sorry, no, you sound like a dead dog and you’re super old. Bye.”
While Melissa is in Orlando, Teresa and Jac go shopping at Posche, which, no. No! Why are you giving the terrible Kim D any of your monies, dummies? SHE IS THE WORST AND USING YOU FOR CHEAP PUBLICITY FOR HER STUPIDLY NAMED BOUTIQUE OF FUR VESTS AND SPANGLE PANTS. Case in point: when Teresa and Jac arrive, Kim D explains that she’s opening another Posche in a hair salon somewhere, because of course she’s opening a second Posche in a hair salon. Not only that, but Kim D’s checked her calendar and it looks like the second Posche’s opening will line up just in time for a RHONJ finale, so she’s inviting all the Housewives and the crew and Penny. Fun! Teresa promises to be as “calm as a cucumber” because malapropisms are her currency.
Also, ladies, I never want to hear you speak of your camel toes ever again. This is your one and final warning.
Elsewhere, Jeff Goldblum Jr. Jr. turns 16 and the Goldblum Jrs give him a Jeep, the end.
In the most amazing moment of the episode, Teresa puts on a giant purple fur and a giant purple pimp hat and goes to a restaurant where she has lunch with Victoria Gotti and MIO DIO, HOW HAS THIS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE? HOW IS THIS THE FIRST EPISODE WHERE TERESA HAS WORN THIS HAT AND HAS HAD LUNCH WITH VICTORIA GOTTI? Who even cares what they talk about (nothing that interesting, honestly: they talk a little about Meatball’s legal issues, and Gotti advises Teresa to speak to Gabagool honestly about her father going to jail and Teresa gets all defensive and is like, “I AM.”), that hat is EVERYTHING. MOAR HAT. MOAR VICTORIA GOTTI.
Somewhere in Hoboken, Little Town finally opens, and everyone goes to the party, and they eat some appetizers, and Albert is like “yeah, it’s fine,” the end.
It turns out Penny of the Doll Hair and her husband Johnny the Guy With the Long Greek Name No One Can Pronounce So We’ll Just Call Him Johnny the Greek, became bored with calling Melissa una puttana, and turned their twitter attentions to the Lauritas, basically tweeting that Nicholas doesn’t have autism, it’s all just Jacqueline and Laurita angling for attention. THEM’S COMBATTENTE WORDS.
So, then it’s time for the Posche 2, Fur Vest Boogaloo opening.
Il Follettos simultaneously get dressed and worked up about confronting Doll Hair Penny and her husband Zorba the Greek in front of Teresa, to clear up once and for all Teresa’s role in this stripper/cheating/puttana mess.
Il Meatballs drive around New Jersey some more. Meatball complains about the car’s navigation system while Teresa explains to her husband that Penny told Il Follettos that Teresa was behind all the rumors, even though Teresa doesn’t even really (sorta, kinda) know this Penny Person! Ergo, ipso facto, QED: Teresa is the real victim.
Everyone arrives at the hair salon party ahead of Penny Doll Hair and Maria Menounos, and spend their time getting their eyebrows plucked and hair fluffed. Finally, Penny Doll Hair arrives, sans George Soros, and Jacqueline immediately stomps over to confront her about the genuinely over-the-line twits about Nicholas. “HEY, JACQUELINE, HOW ARRRRE YOU?” Penny cries out when she sees her, and Jacqueline is like, “You don’t know me, quit acting like you know me, and while we’re on the subject WHY ARE YOU TWEETING ABOUT ME AND MY AUTISTIC SON?” Penny tries to claim that she has nothing to do with the Nicholas tweets, but if she did, it was because someone else put her up to it. *cough*Teresa*cough* Also, too, Penny, “taught Autism,” so. Jacqueline, realizing the stupid she has bumped up against, merely stares at her in disbelief.
Sensing an opening, Melissa approaches Penny and asks her to join Teresa and herself (and Folletto) in the back, it’s time to clarify some issues. There, Melissa asks Penny to repeat what she said at the restaurant the other night and Penny confirms that yes, Teresa was the source of all the things she tweeted about Melissa, including that Melissa hadn’t visited her padre-in-law at the hospital. Teresa is OUTRAGED! and she and Penny begin shoving their fingers in each other’s faces while screaming that the other should stop shoving her finger in their face.
In a talking head, Teresa explains that there’s something wrong with Penny, she’s just trying to destroy a famiglia, and that it will be sad if Folletto allows her to do so. And you know, Tre, it’s remarkable how many people are out there (Jacqueline, Penny, Nia Vardalos) who are invested in ruining your relationship with your fratello because … well, I don’t know why, exactly. Jealousy? Hate? Boredom? Schadenfreude? I mean, Occam’s Razor suggests the simplest answer: that when you and Il Follettos were still feuding, you encouraged an acquaintance, this Penny person with her dumb doll hair and Greek ox of a husband, to spread malicious rumors on Twitter about Melissa because you thought it could never be traced back to you. But that can’t possibly be it, right? After all, you’re always the victim in any situation — except that particular proverbial one — so I guess we’ll just have to write it off as yet another instance in which a third party insinuated themselves into your years long fight with your fratello and sorella-in-law because they want to “destroy a famiglia.” For some reason.
Again, pulcini, next week is the finale. The episode will be 90 minutes long, with the aforementioned interview with Teresa and Meatball immediately following. I hope to blog both (and in a more timely fashion). We will then, undoubtedly, have at least two weeks of reunion, with another week of bloopers. As always, I blog reunions, but I do not blog bloopers. THEY ARE BENEATH ME AND MY HIGH STANDING AS A REALITY SHOW BLOGGER.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 8 p.m./7 p.m. Central on Bravo.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.