‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: No tables were harmed in the filming of this episode.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“A Manzo of Her Word”
June 9, 2013

We begin this painfully boring episode with Teresa making some escarole and beans for the kids’ dinner (mmm…. escarole and beans …) while Mortadella and Gabagool yell at each other over nothing in particular, and Baby Baccala and The Elusive Sfogliatelle beg their sisters to stop, cower. Teresa explains to her daughters that if their Nonno were here, he’d be  yelling at all of them, and Mortadella hilariously dismisses her grandfather as a “nice little fella.” And that’s why Mortadella runs the world.

Teresa instructs the girls to make cards for their Nonno, as he will be having a pacemaker implanted to help his heart beat, because Dio forbid his heart stop beating … “BECAUSE HE’D DIE? HE’D DROP DEAD, RIGHT?” asks Mortadella, while Teresa gapes noiselessly. Gabagool tells her sister to NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN, even though Mortadella is perfectly correct, that’s what a pacemaker does, keeps people from dropping dead. Mortadella in response is all “Sorry not sorry.” And the long and short of it is, Teresa is stressed out over her father’s health, feels sorry for herself, blames Melissa.

Speaking of Melissa, for the past 6 months, she and Folletto have been trying to sell their ridiculous mansion for $3.8 million and shockingly have not been deluged with offers.

Some helpful home selling tips for il Follettos:

  1. It’s time to consider lowering your price. Look, I get that means you’ll take something of a loss here, but let’s try being realistic here for a moment. According to your real estate agent, there are only three other houses listed for over $3 million in your area, which means that the neighborhood is littered with Fancy Mansions filled with “real Italian marble” and dual staircases and walk-in shoe closets and recording studios that are listed a million dollars less than yours. A million dollars! That is a lot of money! And maybe those houses aren’t quite as big as yours, but honestly, when we’re talking about the difference between 10,000 square feet and 8,000 square feet at the cost of a million dollars, I’m guessing some people might decide they don’t really need that extra 2,000 feet for their family of four. Despite having come out of the recession, it’s still a tough economic time, yous guys, and one million dollars is still one million dollars! Isn’t it worth it to drop the price a little to get away from Meatball?
  2. Don’t be home when showing the house. I don’t care how cute you think your kids are (hint: less cute than you think, Melissa), hanging out in the house while people are looking at it makes potential homebuyers feel like they are intruders.
  3. Fix that sink. Seriously. What even is that, laminate and wood? Are you kidding me with that merda? Who is going to spend nearly $4 million dollars on a house with a broken laminate sink? Come on now. You and I both know that the weird-faced real estate agent who is amici with Teresa is going to tell your cagna-in-law all about that mess, Melissa. Why give her that ammunition? Just fix it. Go buy that beaded sink from the bead store, if you have to. But do something.
  4. Also, how about we don’t play football with the toddlers on the marble floor. That’s not a home-selling tip, but instead a general life tip.
  5. Ever consider baking some cookies before buyers swing by?

A 5% commission is all the thanks I require.

At the Manzo Home of Broken Dreams, Caroline is housing Lauren, who is 24 years old and still demanding that her parents make her coffee, and Caroline’s sister, Fran, who is going through a divorce and filling her free time fostering Chihuahuas that smell like corn chips. The Hoboken apartment is making a lot more sense.

As for the Goldblum Jrs., Kathy and Jeff Goldblum Jr. are teaching Jeff Goldblum Jr. Jr. to drive and be gross about women. Hey! Jeff Goldblum Jr.! How about you not make jokes to your 16-year-old son about topless teenagers and their thighs! Okay, grazie!

Later, Kathy and Jeff Goldblum Jr. descend on poor Victoria at her Catholic college even though Victoria lives at home and commutes to school and they see her every single day. Kathy explains that Victoria is not allowed to cut the cord, because Kathy’s heard horror stories about college parties and sex on campus, and Kahty Victoria is not ready for all that even though Victoria had her bags packed and ready for The University of Maryland last season. Victoria is studying to be a nurse practitioner and takes her parents to some sort of nightmare room filled with terrifying agaped-mouthed mannequins, what is this I don’t even.

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oh hell nope mannequin rhonj.jpg

Seriously, Jeff Goldblum Jr., even Kathy is tired of your “jokes,” stugats. (Although methinks she’s just trying to set up a marital difficulty storyline for the season to make herself relevant/less boring.)

As for Jacqueline, she’s landed herself a new gig as a video blogger for Parenting magazine, in which she answers softball questions about being a parent of an autistic kid, cries. So much crying. All of the crying. Crying crying crying. Good vlog! A+++! Would watch again!

While Jacqueline is sobbing in Manhattan, Folletto and Laurita play pool, get into way too many personal details about the Lauritas’ sex life, and discuss the stresses that Nicholas’ autism has placed on their marriage. Laurita explains that Nicholas was their miracle baby after 5 miscarriages, and that at one point their doctor told them that Nicholas had no heartbeat, but Jacqueline refused to terminate the pregnancy. Blah blah blah, staying positive, blah. Folletto tells Laurita that he respects him for staying married to Jacqueline and not leaving her under the circumstances, because by all means, we should congratulate men for not doing the merdoso thing by leaving their wives and autistic children. Assolutamente.

In more interesting developments, Teresa is hanging out with Kim D. Why are you hanging out with Kim D., stupido? Did you not watch the last few episodes from last season? KIM D. SET YOUS UP, STUNADE! But whatever, Teresa apparently has no brain in that tiny threehead of hers, and is amici with the terrible, terrible Kim D. to whom she tells about her father’s pacemaker surgery. Through the miracle of reality show timing, Teresa at that very moment receives a text from Caroline, asking to meet with her. Teresa tells Kim D. that she’s willing to meet with Caroline — she’s not one to hold a grudge (Unless you bring her sprinkle cookies. She will hold a sprinkle cookie grudge to her grave. NO SPRINKLE COOKIES.) but that she’s not going to take any advice on famiglia considering Caroline isn’t speaking to her own famiglia. (Or just Dina, whose grudge with Caroline is still a mistero. WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? Won’t someone PLEASE TELL US WHAT THE DINA-CAROLINE GRUDGE MATCH IS ABOUT?)

Teresa then tells Meatball about her upcoming meeting with Caroline, where she speculates that Caroline wants to apologize to Teresa because sure, definitely, obviously, and then Teresa announces that Melissa has probably put Folletto in a trance with her menstrual blood when he scese su di lei. STOP IT WITH THE MENSTRUAL BLOOD SUPERSTITIONS, TERESA, DIOS MIO, YOU ARE LIVING IN 21ST CENTURY AMERICA, NOT 10th CENTURY SICILY. ALSO, GROSS.

Meanwhile, Caroline tells Lauren about her plans to confront Teresa on Folletto’s behalf, and Lauren’s like, HA! Buona fortuna with that.

While Caroline is girding her loins for her confrontation with Teresa, the Lauritas decide to have everyone else over for some capicola and pecorino and poker to celebrate … something, I don’t know. Filming being resumed? After a while of the menfolk asking Rosie inappropriate and specific questions about her sexual preferences (NOT YOUR BUSINESS, FOLLETTO), Laurita announces that he’s been secretly working with Nicholas to say “ti amo,” for Jacqueline, something he hasn’t been able to do since he lost his language. And so when Jacqueline enters the room, Laurita fetches Nicholas, hands Jacqueline a lollipop, and tells Nicholas to say “ti amo,” which he does, and everyone cries, the end.

As for the much publicized Caroline and Teresa teté-a-threeteté, Caroline arrives at some inn where she has booked a private dining room during their off-time to make sure no innocents are caught in the crossfire. When Teresa arrives, Caroline explains that she is there at Folletto’s request, and Teresa accuses her brother of “scraping the bottom of the barrel,” so, good start, Teresa! Tre complains that Folletto needs to be un uomo, and call her himself, before throwing Dina in Caroline’s face in an attempt to deflect.

When she realizes that Caroline is not going to take this bait, Teresa whines that her brother hurt her and that he apologized to Kim D. who was the one who actually set Melissa up. Caroline points out the obvious: that maybe Teresa shouldn’t be friends with Kim D. after what she did to Melissa, but logic is lost on La Pazza one, who instead begins shouting about Jacqueline. Caroline demands that Teresa get real, leave Jacqueline out of it, and that Teresa admit that Jacqueline was a loyal friend to her.

Caroline then suggests that Teresa make baby steps by approaching Kathy first, to which Teresa declares it will be a cold day in Inferno before that happens after Kathy called her father a coward. Teresa then explains it’s been a stressful week for her and that her father, in fact, is in the hospital. Precisamente! yells Caroline! Your father is old and you don’t want him to die without seeing you and your brother making nicetime! This gets through Teresa’s tiny little skull, and she agrees that she will try to make things better and admit that she was un cazzo cagna if Melissa will admit that she is un cazzo cagna. Teresa instructs Caroline to tell Folletto that if he goes to her, she’ll accept him with open arms, but both sides have to bend to make this work.

And with that, Caroline sends Teresa away, and orders a stiff drink, because dio mio, her brain hurts. The stundae is strong with that one. While you’re at it, Caroline, order me a glass of box vino, because I know how yous feel.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 7 p.m. on Bravo.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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