June 10, 2013
Listen up, Waxed Manapes, Chris Harrison doesn’t have time for small talk, literally monosyllabic talk, with you. Here’s how the dates are going to work this week: Two group dates, one 1-on-1, roses available on all of them. And the first group date is RIGHT NOW:
“Big Pun, Nick from New Girl, Drew Who is Not Brandon, Wilford Brimley, Brooks, Wishbone, Family First, 7-Years Sober, Zack K., and Prop Daddy: Love is a Battlefield. Princess Desiree.”
And so the men are cattle prodded into a limousine and driven to a gym where Princess Desiree introduces them to a grown adult human man who goes around calling himself the “Commissioner of Dodgeball.” He and his playmates explain that they play dodgeball at a whole different level, and they are going to teach the Manapes how to play “their game.”
First lesson: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
GET THE WRENCHES.
Sadly, the High Commissioner of the For Reals Sport of Dodgeball, Quit Laughing, We’re Serious Here, does not throw wrenches at our collection of Manapes, but we are assured by Wilford Brimley that “balls are flying” (indeed) and that it’s only a matter of time before someone’s face is broken and an ambulance is called. Wow, Wilford Brimley, does high blood sugar give you the power to see the future? BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS.
But before we get to that bit of
melodrama excitement, Chris Harrison splits the Manapes into two teams:
Team Baboon: Family First, Wilford Brimley, Brooks, Big Pun and 7-Years
Team Orangutan: Prop Daddy, Drew Who is Not Brandon, Zack K, Wishbone, and Nick from New Girl
Chris Harrison announces that they will play a winner-takes-all match, and the losing team will go home.
So, the Manapes are forced into ridiculous gym shorts and headbands, and taken to a mall in Glendale where a large cage and a soon-to-be-sorely-disappointed crowd awaits. Turn on The Ocho and let the wrenches fly.
The Manapes helpfully explain that the crowd is so loud “you can’t hear the whiz of the balls falling by your face,” (go on … ) and that “people are getting nailed in the face” (oh really?) and that’s when my STUPID INTERNET GETS THE VAPORS AND DEPRIVES ME OF SEEING MANAPES GETTING NAILED IN THEIR APE FACES WITH BALLS. ARRRRG.
After I wave some smelling salts under the internet’s nose, I learn that Team Orangutan won the first round, and Team Baboons took the second. The third and final round begins, and it’s for “all the marbles, and Princess Des is the marbles, in case you didn’t understand how metaphors work,” some Manape, I don’t even know or care which one, manapesplains. However, as the Manapes go for the balls (by the way, Manape, that’s how a metaphor works), Brooks injures his finger and is removed from the field of battle to be examined by EMTs and declared a medical emergency that must be attended to at the hospital.
So after Brooks is sent off to the hospital, to make the game fair, Team Orangutan is reduced by one Manape as well. The final game comes down to Zack K and Big Pun who is supposed to win it for Brooks, but in the end falls to Team Orangutan.
But good news! Princess Des is going to take everyone to the cocktail party that evening, because we live in a time when everyone gets participation trophies and there are no real winners and there are no real losers and Brooks going to the hospital was all for naught! I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to hear it!
Speaking of Brooks, he spends the better portion of the evening writhing around in the emergency room, coming in and out of consciousness. Over a broken finger. Let us all hope for his delicate sake that Brooks never experiences actual pain in his life.
Back at the cocktail party, the Manapes have been allowed to shower and put their pre-shrunk V-necks back on. Wishbone is the first to take Princess Des aside to tell her that he, like Prop Daddy, has a 3-year-old son, but unlike Prop Daddy didn’t
think to parade him around for points. Also, hewasarrestedfordomesticbatterythisonetimeit’snobigdeal. So, how about that rose?
Big Pun takes her to the hotel’s helicopter pad and tells her that he was skeptical of this entire experience until he saw her coach the Manapes. Cool story, bro!
And then Brooks comes stumbling in, still in his gym clothes, finger bandaged, possibly high on pain killers, because I can not understand A SINGLE WORD YOU ARE SAYING BROOKS. ENUNCIATE, BROOKS.
Brooks: Mumble mumble mumble.
Princess Des: Aww!
Brooks: Mumble mumble mumble.
Princess Des: I missed you!
Brooks: Mumble mumble. (Kiss.)
At this point, Princess Desiree grabs the rose and gives it to Big Pun and they “enjoy” a private concert by someone named Kate Earl, who knows/cares, and everyone else has sadtime.
Back at the Manape enclosure, the 1-on-1 date card arrives: “Hashtag D-Bag: Love defies gravity. ♥ Princess Des.” Hashtag D-bag worries that he hates heights. Well, you are on the #wrongshow, buddy, because these Producers have a whole theory about how throwing people off of high things is a metaphor for love, so #pullittogether.
But before Hashtag D-Bag and Princess Desiree can be strapped into harnesses and plunged off of a cliff or skyscraper from an airplane, she receives a call from Chris Harrison alerting her to some “bizarre news” about one of the Manapes, and instructs her to meet him at the enclosure. So she marches into the enclosure, and demands to speak to Nick from New Girl alone. Outside, she asks Nick from New Girl about his past relationships, because like the wise rap video said, she is looking for someone who is here for the “right reasons.”
And let me just pause here to add that there are exactly one thousand different Bachelor/Bachelorette drinking games out there, but honestly, this is the only one you need: Drink every time “right reasons” is said by anyone. Don’t want to develop cirrhosis? Fine. Just limit it to Princess Des using the expression. You’ll be as drunk as I am every week in no time.
ANYWAY. Nick from New Girl is all, well I did break up with someone right before I came here, but it was really over a looooong time ago, so, it’s cool.
And that’s when Chris Harrison strolls in with Nick from New Girl’s current girlfriend and the Manapes and Princess Des and Chris Harrison and Girlfriend are all, OH, SNAP. Girlfriend is NOT AMUSED to see her boyfriend on The Bachelorette and begins a long, sustained shriek about how the two of them had slept together just two nights before he came out to California to be on the show and she tried to break up with him and he told her that they should just take a break, and he lied and said that he was headed out to a convention in California and invited her to come with him knowing that she wouldn’t be able to join him (quick question: how long was this convention supposed to go on? three months? because that is a very long convention!) and he is a liar and a cheat and in no position to get married to anyone AND WHAT ABOUT DONOVAN, NICK FROM NEW GIRL? WHAT ABOUT DONOVAN?
Nick from New Girl understands how this might look bad … but Girlfriend was seeing other people too? And she’s thrown rocks at him this one time?
But Princess Des and Chris Harrison are not having it, and order a burly grip to escort Nick from New Girl up to the filthy, filthy Manape dorm to fetch his clothes and bananas, and leave.
As Nick from New Girl is loaded up into the Cheaters van, the other Manapes take off their shirts, and lament that he was obviously not there for the “right reasons” (drink). 7-Years, in particular, takes this turn of events — specifically Donovan — weirdly personally, and begins crying about all the times his mother brought drifters home and told him to call them Daddy, only to have them leave in the middle of the night. 7-Years, first of all, stop crying, you’re making everyone uncomfortable and secondly, I don’t care how hard your childhood was, zip up your sweatshirt, we can’t possibly take you seriously right now, God.
So after all this ridiculousness, Princess Desiree and Hashtag D-Bag go out on their #date, where, indeed, they are forced into harnesses and made to “dance” on the side of a building. Princess Desiree tries to pretend that this is a thing, even calling it by a ridiculous name: “Bandaloop,” but this is not a thing! Stop acting like this is a thing! This is just The Producers making you shove the one Manape in the troop with a fear of heights off a building, for laffs. And so the two of them dangle from the building for a while with Hashtag D-Bag repeatedly yelling #ohgeez! #ohgeez! #ohgeez! until everyone involved agrees this is very boring, and they should just go get something to eat maybe.
And so they do, on the roof of the very building they had been hanging anti-climatically from earlier, until the #SantaAnaWinds arrive and begin blowing everything over, in an attempt to start a wildfire right there on the roof because the #SantaAnaWinds wants to burn this franchise down to the ground just as much as you and I. #TeamSantaAnaWinds
So Princess Desiree comes up with a fantastic idea: they should go swimming! But this will surprise you: the water? It is so cold! On the rooftop pool! In a windstorm! In March! So they put towels on their heads? I can’t don’t even what is this? What is happening?
But she allows him to #kiss her, and she gives him the date rose to pin on his soggy t-shirt. That taken care of, Princess Des is like, “Can we go home now? Can we be finished with this terrible terrible date already, because that would be awesome if we could all pretend like none of this ever happened, great, thanks.”
The final date card arrives: “Handsome Dan, Marionette Face, Juan Pablo, Private Buster and Nipples Jr.: Who will be the lone man standing? Princess.”
The next morning, the Manapes are allowed outside their enclosure where they find a stagecoach waiting and Nipples Jr. brings further shame upon our great state by leaping around and yelling “YEEE-HAW!” Ugh, no, stop it.
The Manapes arrive at some sort of Western set, where Princess Desiree is waiting for them in what one of the Manapes describes as a dress from the 1900s (it most certainly is not) on a balcony from which she throws a stunt cowboy. It seems this group date is one long commercial for the upcoming Lone Ranger movie, hooray. To this end, the Manapes will wear cowboy hats, learn to shoot fake guns and throw fake punches. So much fun and not boring at all, I can not wait.
After all their training, the men each have to act out a scene and Princess Des will decide who will be her “Lone Ranger.” One by one, the Manapes ride a horse, throw some punches, weather some insults and shoot a guy before “saving” Princess Des. It is exactly as interesting as it sounds — except for Juan Pablo who makes the entire scene más sexy by sólo hablar Español. Sí. Sí, por favor.
And so Princess Desiree chooses Zorro, por que OF COURSE SHE DOES, ¿who is she going to pick, the doofus who ripped his pants? Don’t be estúpido. She and Zorro go into some barn and “watch” the Lone Ranger movie and chew on each others caras, because ¿has visto Zorro? ¡Dios mío!
But the Lone Ranger badge is not the date rose, as Marionette Face is quick to point out, and we still have an after party to get through. Private Buster takes her aside to grunt at her a while. “ME LIKE COWBOY. SUSPENDERS!” Princess Desiree has to kiss him because he is a dolt. Nipples Jr. laughs manically in her face and freaks everyone out. And Marionette Face demands to know if she’s really interested in him, because he’s got a dad dying of pancreatic cancer back home, and he’s not going to hang out on a reality show with a bunch of other shaved gorillas if he doesn’t have at least a shot at the fantasy suites, come on. For some reason, this particular sob story pulls her strings if you will (and you will), and she gives him the sympathy rose. Well played, Marionette Face!
The next day, Chris Harrison announces to the troop that instead of the cocktail party, they’ll be having a pool party, followed by the Get the Hell Out Ceremony, so hope everyone waxed this morning! Wilford Brimley thinks this is great news, before sagely noting that the “pressure has just moved up to the daytime, it’s daytime pressure.” Thanks for the clarification, Wilford Brimley!
Prop Daddy decides to take a break from irritating the other Manapes with his smug face and instead irritate the other Manapes by meeting Princess Desiree at the door and demanding a mini-date. She agrees to take a quick drive with him, where he talks about how girls try to put him in the “dad zone” which is also not a thing, and then they get back to the enclosure where The Producers have alerted all the other Manapes that they should go watch the driveway for a while. Prop Daddy kisses Princess Des, and the other Manapes begin vocalizing furiously and begin searching for feces to fling.
So the “pool party” happens, but it’s mostly just Princess Desiree sitting in a hot tub full of Manape stew, looking for all the world like a police report waiting to happen. The Manapes, meanwhile, focus their attention mostly on Prop Daddy, and putting all three of their wits together, trick him into lying about not having spoken to Princess Desiree yet. But Prop Daddy is all honey badger about it because “they call it The Bachelorette for a reason. It’s not called Let’s Make Friends.” Ooh, 2002-era burn.
7-Years takes Princess aside to explain that he took the Nick from New Girl episode strangely personally, because of the whole his mother taking in transients thing. But because he has these daddy issues, 7-Years assures Princess Des he will never hurt her. Because the two of these things are somehow tied together. And did he mention that he’s in love with her? He thinks about her (and Hobo Daddy) all day long, and he is pretty sure that this is capital L, Love. 7-Years goes in for a kiss and Princess Desiree literally laughs in his face. DIRECTLY INTO HIS FACE, SHE SAYS, “HA!” but instead of a normal human being who can read body language and signals, 7-Years keeps going in for that kiss, and declares afterwards that they are perfect for each other and meant to be. Oh, 7-Years, honey.
With that, Chris Harrison unplugs the Manape stewpot and tells everyone to go put on pants. It’s time to kick some of you dummies out.
Princess Desiree goes home, dries her hair, puts on a gown from the Star Trek: Next Generation collection and heads back to the enclosure with 10 roses to pass out:
Rose #1: Buster
Juan Pablo El Zorro
Rose #3: Nipples Jr.
Rose #5: Drew Who is Not Brandon
Rose #6: Zack K.
Rose #7: Wishbone
Rose #8: Wilford Brimley
Rose #9: Family First
Rose #10: Prop Daddy
Sorry Handsome Dan, sorry 7-Years-Sober, but take your mother’s sobriety chip and
Handsome Dan takes the news relatively well, and doesn’t bust his pants again or anything, so bravo to you, sir. But 7-Years doesn’t have any such dignity (Hobo Daddy took it with him when he went back to riding the rails), and tells Princess Desiree that she’s making a huge mistake. This causes Princess Desiree to run after him and explain that there’s no chemistry between them. 7-Years appreciates her explanation before telling the cameras that he can’t even cry. He’s just out of tears. All out of tears. BECAUSE HE USED THEM ALL UP SOBBING SHIRTLESS THE DAY BEFORE. And with that, 7-Years walks out of all of our lives, leaving Princess Desiree and his mother’s sobriety coin behind.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC.
This post first appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.