‘The Bachelorette’: I’ve Got 99 Problems and These Guys are All of Them

The Bachelorette
June 3, 2013

Before we start this, let me assure you of the following things: 1. there will be far fewer Arrested Development gifs in this recap, so either yay or boo depending on your feelings about Arrested Development gifs, but 2. there will be ALL OF THE ALL CAPS. BECAUSE THIS EPISODE. A RAP VIDEO. A RAP VIDEO. You and your eyeballs have been warned.

Chris Harrison arrives at the Bachelor Holding Pen to explain to the congress of manbaboons in clear, monosyllabic terms how the dates will be working this week: there will be two 1-on-1 dates, one group date, and roses are available on all of them. And with that, he delivers the first date card, and backs carefully out of the McMansion before the roargrunts and feces-flinging begins.

Maya Angelou reads the date card: “Brooks, I’m waiting for a sign, Princes Desiree,” and the room erupts in teeth-baring which might look like smiling to humans, but is actually an aggressive display.

At The Bachelorette pied-à-terre Princess Desiree draws pictures of ladies, and yammers about how she “couldn’t have asked for a better group of guys.” Oh, honey. Oh.

Princess Desiree heads to the Holding Pen in her suddenly baby blue Bentley, which what? I am almost positive this car was white the last time we saw it. Anyone? Am I imagining things? Is she going to drive a different Easter Egg-colored Bentley in each episode? Or was the rap video later in the episode so powerfully bad that it broke my brain when I watched last night? What is happening here?

ANYWAY. Princess Desiree arrives in her now baby blue Bentley and collects Brooks and ferrys him away to a bridal store where she forces him to watch her spin around in a bunch of different wedding dresses. What a fun time for everyone! What’s next, Princess Desiree? Meeting your parents? Apartment shopping? Touring delivery wards in hospitals? Brooks, being a good sport, tries on a series of wacky tuxedos — but tellingly always comes out with his bow tie dangling around his neck, untied, until he’s doing his talking heads at which point the bow tie appears to have been knotted into a lump by a blind child with some sort of degenerative muscular condition.

So, according to the video on ABC’s site that I watched this morning, they went to a cupcake truck where they eat “wedding cake” and fend off over-eager tourists. Next up: tossing the garter to the audience of tourists, shopping 401K plans and looking into life insurance policies sitting on the Hollywood sign. In their wedding clothes. For some reason. When did we give up on the whole wedding theme? What does this have to do with anything? Brooks tries to explain why sitting on the L on the Hollywood sign means something more to Princess Desiree than it would say, to you or me, something about her passions, and following them and declaring herself on top of the world, but it doesn’t make a bit of sense, and maybe he needs to spend less time trying to appear deep and more time watching how to tie a bow tie videos on YouTube. Brooks tells Princess Des that his first real relationship ended a year and a half ago, and it makes him a little apprehensive about opening himself up to possibly be hurt again, but that he knows it is worth it. Princess Des declares this to be “just like” what she went through, but unless I somehow overlooked Brooks hanging out with Dallas Sean, Cal Naughton Jr. and Justin Wannabieber in St. Emily’s Manherd, I THINK IT WAS PROBABLY A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

The Producers finally let them get out of the wedding dress and that RIDICULOUS TIE LUMP, and back into street clothes. Princess Des then drives Brooks into a “dangerous” part of town, and he bites his nails and clutches his pearls over the razor wire and graffiti (!!!!) in the neighborhood. Princess pretends to be lost and pulls up to a supposedly closed road that she suggests they go down anyway. Brooks is terrified, but agrees, and discovers that the road is actually Los Angeles’ 6th Ave. Bridge that The Producers have decorated with chandeliers and a dining table and I mean, seriously, Brooks. You have an ENTIRE CREW WITH YOU, CALM DOWN. Your only danger you face is that you might have to pull a suicidal Jack Shephard off the edge, start a drag race or suddenly flee from a T-1000 BECAUSE THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST RECOGNIZABLE SPOTS IN ALL OF LOS ANGELES, DUMMY.

So they sit down to dinner on the bridge, and Brooks asks her about her family and childhood, and she burbles on about how happily married her parents are, leaving out the whole “and we were homeless for a while and lived in tents and bytheway, my brother is a psychopath” part. In response, Brooks bursts into tears about his parents’ divorce and related daddy issues. Something about not seeing his father from the time he was 13 until he was 19, which might just explain the whole bow-tieing issue. And so Princess Desiree offers him a rose because what, she’s not going to give the crying guy a rose? And then they go down to the other end of the bridge where some guy named Andy Grammer is singing that one song about letting your hair down and keeping your head up and Brooks dances about as well as he ties bow ties and fortunately this whole silly date is over, the end.

Back at the house, the remaining men receive the group date card: “Handsome Dan, Juan Pablo, Hashtag D-Bag, Zack K., Urquelle (thanks, Dodes),  Nick from New Girl, Drew Who is Not Brandon, Marionette Face, Family First, Nipples Jr., Maya Angelou, Michael G., 7-Years-Sober, and Prop Daddy: Who’s here for the right reasons? Princess Des.” 

Princess Desiree meets this clown car load at some winery wearing what appears to be a purple sock with the toe cut out of it — seriously, Princes Des, does your brother know you are out in public in that? — and explains that they will be filming a rap video with Soulja Boy.

Just typing that sentence makes me want to go get into my car, drive to the store, buy another box of wine, begin drinking it in the checkout line, strap the box to one of those beer hats with the straws, drive home –all the while breaking the law and drinking the wine from my wine hat, do not doubt me for one second– and come home and put myself into a wine coma. I DO NOT GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS. SOULJA BOY DOES NOT GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS. MOMMA NEEDS ALL OF THE CHEAP CAB. NOW.

And listen, I know why this is happening — The Producers have become self-aware in recent years, and they’re hoping that a bunch of white guys and Urquelle doing the cabbage patch while rapping off-rhythm about “being here for the right reasons” will become viral video gold.

It will not be. It takes a certain deftness and actual comedic talent to intentionally create a viral video, and Lonely Island these guys ain’t.

But here we are, with Soulja Boy claiming that “love is like hip hop” — no, it is not — and demanding that the men rap for him so he can choose who will do the vocals in the video. After some really choice, “GAWD, DAD, STOP TRYING TO RAP,” performances, Soulja Boy chooses Michael G., Prop Daddy, Marionette Face and 7-Years-Sober to be the rappers, because he only has so much to work with.

The rest of the men learn their choreography.

The rappers are given their costumes: Prop Daddy is dressed as a cowboy; Michael G. is given a “#1 Daddy” shirt; Marionette Face is wearing a “PG-13” t-shirt; and 7-Years-Sober is pantless. For some reason. They soon conclude that the rap is going to reference former Bachelorette contestants that weren’t on the show for the “right reasons,” which apparently include trying to get famous; being Jason Mesnick.

The first shot involves Prop Cowdaddy, and as they try to film his completely rhythmicless rap, the other men shout down at Princess Des and Cowdaddy with a megaphone. Good plan! That will certainly not irritate Princess Des who is JUST TRYING TO GET THROUGH THIS THING.

At one point, Princess Desiree tries to say with a straight face that she is the luckiest girl right now. Oh, honey. Oh.

There is more rapping and more filming and more 7-Year-Sober wagging his sobriety chip in her face, and ARE WE DONE HERE YET? CAN SOULJA BOY AND I GO HOME NOW, PLEASE? I can not.

With that, we head to the evening’s cocktail party, where Nipples Jr. manages to keep his shirt on when he gives Princess Desiree a present: an empty “antique” journal which is a nice gift, until you learn that it has a weird inscription from a father to his daughter about her words flowing from her pen with the emotion from her heart. What? Ew. Weird. No, thank you. Not a romantic gift, dude. But Princess thinks that it shows his “depth” and that “he really is here for the ‘right reason.'” OH BROTHER. ENOUGH WITH THE PHRASE, AND THAT GOES FOR EVERYONE.

Family First takes her aside next to yammer about how close he is with his family, only to be “swooped” by Prop Daddy who wants to talk at her some more about his son. For some reason, this gets Marionette Face’s strings in a tangle, and he begins telling all the other guys that Prop Daddy is not here for the “right reasons.” EXCUSE ME, WHAT DID I JUST GET FINISHED SAYING?

7-Years-Sober watches as Prop Daddy goes in for a kiss, and declares that he “doesn’t want to watch her end up with someone who is here for the wrong reasons.” NICE TRY, 7-YEARS-SOBER, BUT “WRONG REASONS” IS JUST ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING “NOT THE RIGHT REASONS” AND I’M NOT GOING TO STAND FOR IT.

But just when I thought I was all outraged out,  Michael G. sends me back to the wine box when he explains that he knows that today was a satirical spin on being here for the “right reasons,” but he really is here for the right reasons and he wants her to know that if anyone is here for the wrong reasons, he is going to step up and protect her from them. OUT. GET OUT, MICHAEL G. YOU’VE BROKEN ME. GO.

Meanwhile, Family First takes Prop Daddy aside to tell him how mad it made him when Prop Daddy “swooped” on him. Prop Daddy does not care.

While Prop Daddy is smirking at Family First and his feels, 7-Years-Sober takes Princess Des aside to tell her that he’s not rich and doesn’t have an Ivy League education, but he does have a mother who is a former addict, did he mention that? And he tells a sob story about raising his younger siblings by himself at 11, and how he was truant because he had to stay home with his baby sister. And, I’m sorry, stop? Go back? Didn’t the missing 6th-grader from school set off any alarm bells anywhere in system? THE POINT IS: TRAGEDY. Now give him the rose.

Except, ha, she gives it to Prop Daddy, who did not once use the term “right reasons” or a variation thereof. Take note, gentlemen. And stop “rapping” that terrible song. God.

Back at the Bachelor Enclosure, the most literal, least mysterious date card in combined Bachelor and Bachelorette history arrives: “Private Buster: Road Trip! Princess Desiree.”

The next morning, Princess Desiree and the baby blue Bentley arrive and pick up Private Buster and his Fisher-Price Little People head (he’s the guy in the dark green on the right). At least his hair won’t get mussed in the convertible. They wordlessly stop by a convenience store for snacks; frolic wordlessly on the beach; fail at flying a kite, wordlessly; wordlessly pick oranges; and wordlessly drive up to Ojai (OHAI!) where they unfortunately do not cross paths with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or get run over by their Bentley golf carts.

At dinner, Princess Desiree tells us that Private Buster makes her feel like “a little kid” and that she hasn’t laughed harder in she doesn’t know how long, but we’re just going to have to take her word for it in the face of exactly zero evidence. Private Buster finally decides to talk, and shares with her the time he rolled over a truck and tried to crush himself. And he brought visual aides! Here’s a picture of the remains of the truck! Here are his stitches! Here is his mom posing his unconscious body with stuffed animals in the hospital because that’s always funny! But then he got recovered and for a while he thought he wasn’t going to be able to join Army but then he did join Army. Good story, guy. But hey, his poor driving skills and skull staples earn him a rose, so what do I know.

The two then retreat to a hot tub where Private Buster stares wordlessly over Princess’ head until she’s like, “COME ON AND KISS ME ALREADY, GEEZ.” Cool date.

Hooray, the cocktail party/rose ceremony. Princess Desiree arrives in some sort of homage to Kermit the Frog, and is immediately taken aside by Michael G. who has decided that now is the time to tell her his big medical secret: he has The Diabetes.

However, Wilford Brimley’s big moment is ruined when Prop Daddy “swoops” in again, even though he already has a rose. THIS SHALL NOT STAND, declares Family First. SWOOPING SHALL NOT STAND. And while Prop Daddy is making out with her on the Dumping Driveway, the other men pass out pitchforks and light their torches.

Princess Desiree finally untangles her tongue from Prop Daddy’s long enough to talk to some of the other men, including that one guy, and Hashtag D-Bag who has made a list of #ThingsILikeAboutPrincessDesiree, and which he introduces by saying, “DOT DOT DOT” which immediately gives me Dr. Tube Socks PTSD, and then Nick from New Girl picks her up and runs around the pool with her, which isn’t cute, just put her down already. While Princess is distracted, the other men circle Prop Daddy and stomp their feet and pout that it was uncool for him to “swoop” on Princess Desiree and not let Wilford Brimley have his moment. Let Wilford Brimley have his moment! Prop Daddy does not care.

Finally, Chris Harrison is here to rescue us from ourselves and collects the manbaboons for the rose ceremony. Line up, monkeys.

Rose #1: Marionette Face
Rose #2: Hashtag D-Bag
Rose #3: Handsome Dan
Rose #4: Juan Pablo
Rose #5: Wishbone
Rose #6: Big Pun
Rose #7: Nick from New Girl
Rose #8:  Nipples Jr.
Rose #9:  Drew Who Is Not 7-Years-Sober
Rose #10: Family First
Rose #11: Zack K
Rose #12: Wilford Brimley
Rose #13: Soulja Boy 7-Years-Sober

Which means Urquelle and your terrible dancing? Human Directional and your annoying spinning signs? Maya Angelou and your pitiful “poetry?”

And then there were 16.

Therese is also watching Mad Men, Arrested Development, the last couple episode of Fringe, and will be starting up Real Housewives of New Jersey and America’s Got Talent tonight. Wish her luck. And send booze.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.