The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“The Opposite of Relaxation”
October 24, 2011
La Maloof can’t cook. Considering she has a personal chef, this seems like a problem that has already been resolved. Lisa, however, does not Vanderpprove of this, and decides to drive across the street to give La Maloof a lesson on how to roast a chicken. While Bernie, The Disapproving Chef (who also happens to Vanderhate him some VanderPump) looks on, Lisa and La Maloof prepare VanderPoulet:
Step One: Remove wrapper.
Step Two: Put on gloves.
Step Three: Remove innards.
Step Four: Place innards in handbag.
Step Five: Wash chicken with dish soap.
Step Six: Shove lemons and onions into chicken.
Step Seven: Ask Bernie the Disapproving Chef where the salt and pepper is kept.
Step Eight: Place chicken in oven for an hour.
Step Nine: Remove the chicken from oven, make it stand up somehow.
Step Ten: Drink entire bottle of wine.
Lisa then visits her friend, The Sultan, who wants to host a Vandergagement party for Pandora in his 60,000 square foot harem sex palace. He promises belly dancers and a camel. This is Vanderexcellent.
Meanwhile, Taylor, Kyle and Pam have a playdate with their children so Kyle can talk some more smack about Brandi. Taylor explains that she had “lunch” with Brandi, and that Brandi seemed upset about the whole thing. According to Taylor, Brandi feels under attack by her ex-husband, is worried about the custody situation, and calls herself terrible names before anyone can beat her to the punch. Kyle has a glimmer of sympathy for Brandi, but it passes. Quickly.
Fun fact: La Maloof has an entire spa in her house. She has a spray tanning booth, she has robot lasers, she has terrifying water machines that do something to your face, and while she might not have a Suitcase Maid, she does keep 2 manicurists, 3 masseuses (masseusi?), and 2 aestheticians chained in her basement spa. But what fun is it to have a basement spa and spa slaves if you aren’t going to show off to share with your friends every once in a while? To this end, La Maloof has decided to host a “spa day.” She set Bernie the Disapproving Chef into motion making edible gold foo-foos and twazits that none of the ladies will eat on a dare, and unchained the spa slaves so that they may hydrosploof the ladies’ faces or whatever it is that terrifying water machine is supposed to do.
The ladies arrive and are given blue robes and high-heeled flip flops — because of course — and then not much happens. Kyle has her heavily made-up face hydrosploofed which seems to defy the entire purpose but whatever and then she and Kim bounce on the trampoline for a while. This is considerably less interesting than the editors seem to think.
And then Brandi hobbles in. Everyone becomes super tense, and begin furiously studying nail polish bottles and admiring the foo-foos, anything to not have to talk to the crippled giantess. Brandi, for her part, hides under the robot lasers, because she wants to talk to the KKK sisters even less than they want to talk to her.
Kim announces to Kyle that she has no intention to speak to Brandi, or even accept an apology from her if one is offered. Kim makes some sort of analogy to feeding a beloved plant and feeding a piranha and no one has no idea what she’s talking about because she’s clearly been hitting the “breath spray” again.
Meanwhile, La Maloof, desperate to kill the tension between the women, urges Brandi to speak to Kyle, to apologize for the drug comment. Brandi, though worried about being rejected, agrees to do so. However, when La Maloof then approaches the KKK sisters about a détente, she is met with hesitation and outright insanity. It’s not enough for Kim to not speak to or accept an apology from Brandi, Kyle is forbidden to as well. Kyle, however, refuses to go along with her sister’s breath spray-induced demands, and agrees to hear what Brandi has to say. Because obviously Kyle is a traitor and a terrible sister.
Outside on the twazit and foo-foo balcony, Brandi whines at Taylor that she’s not the only bad guy here: OK, yes, she accused Kim of smoking crystal meth in Pam’s bathroom, but Kyle was REALLY MEAN about Brandi’s kid peeing on the lawn AND Kim said she didn’t like her. So it was kind of justified. Taylor assures her that it was not.
Kyle eventually comes outside and Brandi attempts to extend an olive branch, sorta, by noting that they both have their triggers: hers is her kids and her parenting, and Kyle’s is obviously her drug-abusing sister. At Game Night, everything spun out of control and Brandi felt lonely and ganged up on and said things that she shouldn’t have. In the end, they don’t have to be best friends but they don’t have to continue acting like this, either. Kyle insists that the crystal meth comment was out of line, and Brandi insists that Kyle attacking her children was out of line and soon we’ve dug ourselves back into a hole of stupid.
However, La Maloof is fortunately there to keep everything calm and “slut pig”-less, and Kyle agrees to not talk about Brandi’s kids if Brandi agrees to not talk about her sister. Except, Kyle hedges, she wasn’t talking about Brandi’s kids, she was talking about Brandi’s parenting. SIGH. Brandi starts whining about being a single mother, and then for some reason Lisa gets involved Vandermanding that Brandi go apologize to Kim, who, as we all know, DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR IT. Brandi doesn’t want to apologize to Kim because she doesn’t know her? This is not a reason. But she starts crying and pouting that it’s not entirely her fault, and she’s not wrong, but oy, this is tedious. Get enough already, ladies.
Brandi eventually decides to leave the spa day without even getting her face hydrosploofed, but before she leaves, she sobs at La Maloof on La Maloof’s ridiculously tacky gold-plated bed, while La Maloof wrings her hands and attempts to frown but can’t thanks to all the surgery youth-restoring effects of the robot lasers and hydrosploofing in her basement spa.
Hey, here’s some Mauricio in a bathing suit for no particular reason. You’re welcome!
Kim continues to whine about Kyle being a polite guest and placating their host by honoring her simple request to be civil to another guest and goes on to threaten to break Brandi’s other leg if Brandi attempts to apologize. She is very well-mannered. And as Brandi hobbles her way out the door, Lisa Vandercackles to not let the door hit her on the way out. No Vanderworries! It does not.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.