‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: GO SCRATCH.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Reunion Part 2”
October 23, 2011

WHAT HAPPENED? I was hoping for some clarification as to why Teresa and Caroline hate each other now. Did I get it? Nope. I was thinking that maybe they would address more specifically why Jacqueline chose not to attend the reunion. Did I get it? NO. And I was promised teased an explanation for what happened between Dina and Caroline. Did I get it? HEY, NO I DID NOT. I blame this business of the fourth season taping while the third season aired — everybody is so angry at what is happening now, but they can’t talk about that, so instead they talk around the big issues in this infuriatingly vague way AND ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED WITH DINA?

But too bad for me, because we’re not going to get that.

What we will get are the following things:

  1. Teresa’s defense for the fact that she left her baby alone in the middle of a brawl.
  2. Albie’s exciting new career plans.
  3. Kathy’s boring relationship tips.
  4. How Potato Face is doing today.
  5. The fact that Andy Cohen has a real hate-on for both Teresa and poor grammar.


Andy Cohen starts the second hour of the reunion by changing the topic to Folletto and his horniness. Dear Andy Cohen: This is not a topic we want to explore in any sort of detail. Signed, Everyone. This leads to a sex montage, which, NO THANK YOU.

Some viewer asks Kathy what her secret is to keeping Jeff Goldblum Jr. “sizzling.” Really, Viewer? REALLY? I just don’t even know where to begin with this one. 1. Is Jeff Goldblum, Jr. “sizzling?” 2. What does “sizzling” mean? 3. Is it the wife’s job to keep her husband “sizzling?” Isn’t that something that he should tend to? 4. Do you even exist, Viewer? Or are you just a made-up name that Bravo came up with because they felt they needed to ask Kathy something to justify her being around? 5. And if you do exist, do you really care? Really? Really?

The group addresses Folletto’s cross-dressing issue which they all shrug off as non è un grosso problema. Whaddya gunna do? Andy Cohen then asks Melissa about some rumors out there that she once “swam in the lady pond.” THIS IS THE FIRST I HAVE HEARD OF THIS LADY POND BUSINESS! Melissa casually brushes it off: she had a friend who was gay, and for some reason this friend wrote an article claiming they “went swimming,” but they did not. This is less than convincing.

Andy Cohen turns his attention to Teresa’s marriage and the rumors of Meatballs’ goomars and bastardos. NOPE, says Teresa. NOT TRUE. NEXT QUESTION.

Andy Cohen attempts to ask Caroline about her sex life with Albert, but Caroline is not having it, THANK GOODNESS. Teresa tries to say that Caroline is very sexy, and everyone is very confused and chooses to just ignore it. A viewer asks Caroline about her various hairstyles over the course of the season, but nobody cares. Another viewer asks if Caroline’s kids are really cut off financially, and Caroline assures them that they are. And then I fall asleep during Caroline’s advice montage.

Teresa accuses Caroline of ruining Christopher’s relationship with Kim G’s son Johnny G, which Caroline dismisses: Johnny G was just at the house last week, so what does Teresa know. Teresa is incredulous, and goes on to try to claim that the only reason she has a bad relationship with Kim G is because of Caroline? Caroline and I do not understand Teresa’s logic.

Andy Cohen then asks Caroline about her “support” of Lauren in her efforts to lose weight with such “supportive” comments like Lauren is “8 pounds of sausage in a 5 pound bag,” &c. Caroline waves it off as Caroline being “honest.” As for Albie seeming rather depressed this season, Caroline explains that being kicked out of law school really weighed heavily on him, but that he is up for deputy sheriff? Which, what? Is this like a Steven Seagal situation? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? Andy Cohen then asks Caroline about Chris Christie firing Albert from the New Jersey District Water Commission, which she explains has something to do with an apartment above the Brownstone that he uses to sleep in on long days. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? I don’t understand the question (or the response) and I will not respond.

Some viewer sasses at Caroline that she needs to shut it with her superior attitude and unsolicited advice, and I would accuse Teresa of having written the comment under a pseudonym, but considering the sentence was relatively well constructed, it could not possibly have been her work. Teresa notes that she never asked for Caroline’s advice — which is strictly not true — but was always willing to hear it. The thing is, Teresa never needed Caroline’s advice. Which even more strictly not true. But Teresa insists that because Caroline is not a member of the famiglia, she can’t understand the problems at hand. Andohbytheway, Caroline is a hypocrite since she isn’t getting along with her own famiglia, so there.

Andy Cohen explains that there have been some reports that Dina and Caroline are feuding, and Caroline confirms that there has been a divide that is painful to them both. Andy Cohen asks what happened, and Caroline makes some vague noises about Dina being led to believe things that are untrue. By whom? asks Andy, and Caroline asks him if he really wants to know, in a way that suggests that Andy Cohen and the rest of the world, we already know. Teresa takes exception to this accusation, and Caroline swears that she and Jacqueline both have emails and texts that prove otherwise. BRING IT BABY, Teresa growls. Everyone sighs heavily.

Melissa urges Teresa to be nice, but Teresa, she CAN’T STAND FAKENESS. This is supposed to mean something, I suppose. Teresa urges Caroline to bring Dina here to prove these allegations, but OH THAT’S RIGHT, DINA DOESN’T WANT TO SEE CAROLINE. Caroline explains that Dina accused her of never supporting her, and blames Teresa for this, somehow. The ladies then all shriek at each other about who has been more warped by the reality/fame monster, which then devolves into Caroline and Teresa calling each other pieces of merda. Stay classy, ladies.

Andy Cohen asks Caroline how long its been since she and Dina spoke, and she admits that it’s been a few months. It’s hurtful and unnecessary and makes Caroline very sad. And that’s the last we will hear about the Dina/Caroline falling out, so I hope that satisfied all of your questions, because it answered NONE OF MINE.

Here’s Dina’s response to the whole mess. Spoiler alert! It’s vague.

And now a montage about Jacqueline’s terrible relationship with her terrible daughter even though she’s not here to discuss it.

As her official envoy, Caroline speaks for Jacqueline on the issue: Chris was hurt when Potato Face said money can’t buy a relationship; Jacqueline allows Potato Face to walk all over her out of a strong sense of guilt; seeing herself on the show has not made Potato Face any less awful. The end.

We briefly discuss Kathy’s rather butch sister, Rosie. Consensus: She’s awesome. And then I fall asleep during the Kathy! She cooks! That’s kinda interesting, right! montage.

Andy Cohen asks about Victoria’s prom — the one her mother attempted to ruin by erecting a giant wedding reception tent on the front lawn so the entire family could gawk at Victoria as she drove away with her date — and, SURPRISE, it was fine. A viewer asks Kathy if Victoria’s experience with her brain tumor made her the mature young woman she is today, and Kathy agrees that what Victoria went through changed her AND HEY YOUS GUYS DID YOUS KNOW THAT TERESA WAS AT THE HOSPITAL EVERY SINGLE DAY WHEN VICTORIA WAS UNDERGOING TREATMENT? BECAUSE SHE WAS. BUT NOT EVERY DAY IN THE SENSE OF EVERY DAY BUT IN THE SENSE THAT IT IS ALL ABOUT TERESA ALL THE TIME.

ALSO, YOUS GUYS, WHEN VICTORIA HAD THAT BRAIN TUMOR AT AGE TEN, IT REALLY MADE TERESA INTO THE POSITIVE PERSON THAT SHE IS TODAY BECAUSE EVEN A CHILD SUFFERING BRAVELY THROUGH BRAIN CANCER IS ALL ABOUT TERESA ALL THE TIME. Andy Cohen questions Teresa’s positivity and willingness to let things slide, because someone who instigates family feuds over pignoli cookies, or the lack thereof? not exactly someone who doesn’t sweat the small stuff. Teresa insists that when someone goes after you, you have to respond. Again, this is not the definition of letting the small things slide.

You know who likes to bust chops? Jeff Goldblum, Jr. likes to bust chops. Teresa does not appreciate her chops being busted. And this is why she “distant” herself from Kathy. “Distanced?” asks Andy Cohen. “Distant.” insists Teresa. “No, distanced,” counters Andy Cohen, who has clearly had enough of Teresa’s brutalization of the English language.

Speaking of not busting Teresa’s chops, the Teresa v. Kathy “unattended” controversy montage.

Teresa finally makes her case as to why Baby Baccala was not unattended during the Christening fight, even though she was clearly unattended: because the event was a famiglia event. Even thought there were a bunch of very drunk violent goombahs throwing punches and tables, Baby Baccala was perfectly safe by herself, because she was related to all of the drunk violent goombahs involved. Good argument! Case closed!

Teresa then takes on Christmas Eve: HOW DARE KATHY INVITE HER COUSINS TO HER HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE?! Everyone points out to Teresa that she did spend Christmas Eve with Folletto and Melissa; 3 hours, even! But it’s not enough. It’s never enough. Caroline points out that Teresa should have been grateful for the time she had with them, rather than being a selfish bambino. Melissa mentions that Meatball called her Raccoon Face behind her back, and Teresa’s defense is that he was actually talking about Kathy. Which: 1. No, he wasn’t and 2. Even if he was, which he wasn’t, that isn’t better. Andy Cohen points out that Teresa doesn’t seem to be hearing anyone else’s viewpoint, but it doesn’t matter because Teresa isn’t listening.

Instead, Teresa wants to attack Kathy for bringing up the Baccala debacle at the Posche fashion show instead of calling her or approaching her privately about it. Because Teresa. Will. Not. Let. It. Go. Melissa points out that not everyone is right all the time. But it doesn’t matter because Teresa isn’t listening.

A viewer asks Melissa about Teresa’s accusations that Melissa broke up the Gorga famiglia for her gain, and Melissa wonders what, exactly, she had to gain from Folletto and Teresa fighting? Because, seriously. Teresa points out that all of her problems with her brother began after Folletto married Melissa, and that Melissa never did anything to make it better. Because, clearly, that’s Melissa’s job. Cue the Melissa/Teresa montage. A reader accuses Melissa of copying Teresa’s style, and there’s some disagreement about who had a particular dress first, and Kathy and Caroline point out the obvious: they’re all a bunch of ostentatious New Jersey Italians with questionable taste — they sometimes are going to have the same things.

Another viewer points out that Teresa seems obsessed with her brother, which, uh duh, and does Teresa recognize that he’s Melissa’s husband? Teresa’s tiny forehead wrinkles in consternation. A viewer wonders if the fact Folletto had been engaged twice before he met Melissa raised any red flags for her, and Melissa agrees that the other engagements had to be called off because they didn’t get along with Folletto’s famiglia. Andy Cohen wonders if Teresa would accept any woman in Folletto’s life. This leads to Teresa attacking Melissa’s wedding? WHAT IS HAPPENING? Why is Teresa insulting Melissa’s wedding? WHAT PERCENTAGE IS THERE IN INSULTING ANYONE’s, MUCH LESS YOUR BROTHER’S, WEDDING? Maronn.

A viewer wants to know what Teresa most regrets saying about Melissa, and Teresa, because she is Teresa, hears “What did Melissa say about you that was the most terrible?” NO, Andy Cohen has to clarify, what did YOU say about HER that you regret? And Teresa, she’s got nothing. Melissa, however, has a list: Teresa called Melissa a lying cold bitch, claimed Folletto owed money, that Melissa filled Folletto with poison. Teresa shrugs and concedes that she regrets saying that Melissa poisoned Folletto. Melissa, in return, regrets making the comment, “We pay our bills,” but notes that she never said that Teresa didn’t pay hers. So, in reality:

This somehow brings us to the Joes, and their fighting, which began after some sort of business deal soured between them. Melissa whines that Meatball could never bring himself to say anything nice about Folletto or the work he did, which, yes, that’s jerky, but also, pull up your big boy pantaloni already.

Oh, hey, The Joes have a montage.

Andy Cohen then attacks Teresa for not attacking Meatball for using a homophobic slur. Again. Everyone sort of shrugs it off as ignorance and culture and an ignorant culture, but ANDY COHEN IS NOT HAVING IT.

A viewer asks Teresa if Meatball has a drinking problem. Yes. He clearly does. Teresa, however denies this, despite the whole business where he attempted a double handspring roundoff cartwheel on a marble floor and landed on his tooth. Andy wonders if Teresa holds everyone else to a different standard than she does Meatball. Yes. She clearly does. Teresa stares uncomprehendingly at Andy Cohen.

Another viewer asks Teresa if she thinks she and Folletto are good role models for their kids, and this leads to discussion of Gabagool’s sad “9 to 5” cover. Caroline notes that it’s inappropriate that Gabagool should even know about Teresa and Folletto’s troubles, and basically accuses Teresa of setting Gabagool up to sing the song for the cameras, using her daughter as a tool. GO SCRATCH, shrieks Teresa. GO SCRATCH. I don’t understand the question and I will not respond. Caroline, however, does respond, frantically scratching her culo in response. AND SOMEHOW, THE INTERNET HAS NOT YET TURNED THIS INTO AN ANIMATED GIF. YOU HAVE LET ME DOWN, INTERNET. FOR SHAME.

Andy Cohen asks the ladies for their final thoughts about famiglia:

Kathy says that famiglia is the heart of who you are, and while you might not like one another, famiglia is love.

Teresa responds that blood is thicker than water.

Caroline notes that famiglia is bound not by choice but blood. People should swallow their pride and forgive. Caroline gets choked up remembering decorating Dina’s cradle when she was a baby, and putting her to sleep at night. They’ll be fine one day, even if Dina has to hate her for a while. Finally, when you are need, it’s not your friends who will be there, but famiglia.

Melissa doesn’t get a turn, because who cares.

Andy Cohen notes that maybe Caroline is also crying over Teresa a little bit, but, NO SHE IS NOT, ANDY COHEN. Andy Cohen finds it sad to see Caroline and Teresa’s 10-year amicizia end this way, but Caroline dismisses the relationship as merely a conoscenza. BEWARE, Teresa shrieks at Kathy. BEWARE.


The entire reunion in one image. (realitytvgifs.tumblr.com)

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.

This post first appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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