American Horror Story
“Halloween, Part 1”
October 26, 2011
It’s Halloween, and Sylar is busy setting up an apple dunking station and carving pumpkins and making bitchy asides to his boyfriend, Handsome Man, when Handsome Man announces he’s going to the gym. Sylar knows Handsome Man is sleeping with his trainer — at this point, Sylar is bullet-proof — he just wants to make sure that Handsome Man has picked up his costume for later. Handsome Man whines at Sylar that he wants love and passion from a man, not Martha Stewart, which, MEOW. Sylar snarls back that he doesn’t like carving 20 pumpkins, but because all their money is tied up in this house, until they sell it, they can’t leave. And so for now he’s going to try to make the house warm and inviting and hope that someone will take it off their hands, and Handsome Man best get a costume and man up. Handsome Man sadly remembers that they once wanted a baby, they were going to have a great life. Sad.
Later, Sylar worries some more over the dunking station when who should show up but Gimpsy! Sylar confuses him with Handsome Man in his sexy-weird Halloween costume, of course, and apologizes for his nasty attitude, only to have Gimpsy throw Sylar all over the place before drowning him in the dunking station and snapping his neck. Which, what? When did Gimpsy get all violent? Up until now, Gimpsy has only been about the sexytimes. Which is when Handsome Man enters wearing a cowboy costume. GIDDYUP, GIMPSY.
Ben and Vivien, whose name I’ve apparently been misspelling this entire time, are not happy with Martha Huber and the anemic interest in the house from potential buyers. Martha Huber explains that the house has an image problem, and suggests that they hire a fluffer. This is initially alarming, as I had previously only known one definition of a “fluffer,” which is a type of professional that a married couple with fidelity issues probably should not be hiring, not to mention the fact I could not figure out how hiring one would help sell a house. Martha Huber explains, however, that a fluffer is actually a home stager — someone who, by moving around furniture and adding sparkly accessories, makes a house look more appealing when being shown for sale. And what better time than Halloween to decorate a Murder House so as to try to change its image? Martha Huber knows a very expensive English fluffer, and a less expensive gay fluffer. The Harmons go with the gay fluffer, because they can’t afford much else since most of Ben’s patients are either dead, dying or ghosts.
Next door, Addy and Constance’s boytoy read a book about Halloween‘s origins, how it is the one day the boundaries between the living and dead are lifted, and the dead can walk freely. Addy sighs that she would never want to be a ghost, they seem so sad. Just as Constance enters, Boytoy asks Addy what she is going to dress up as for Halloween, and she whispers something in his ear. Constance has a jealous and sends Boytoy on some imagined errand. Once he’s dispatched, Constance berates Addy for flirting with him. Constance has given the past 37 years of her life taking care of Addy, and CONSTANCE WILL NOT SHARE HER TOYS. She demands to know what Addy whispered to Boytoy, and Addy shows her mother a picture from a magazine of a generic model: she wants to be a “Pretty Girl” for Halloween. NOPE. She’s going as Snoopy again, and that is that, declares Constance. Yes, but can it least be a Sexxy Snoopy? (FUN FACT: I have found another costume that has not been made sexy! There are no sexy Snoopy costumes! And here I thought Yoda was the only non-sexy character out there!)
Larry and his little trick-or-treat pumpkin pay a visit to Ben, demanding his $1000 for taking care of Ben’s little Hayden problem. Ben kicks Larry’s little trick-or-treat pumpkin into the yard in response.
Inside, Ben is trying to explain to Tate, again, that he can no longer treat him on account of being a dead ghost who won’t stop stalking his daughter. Tate, however, isn’t having it, and after squeezing out a few tears, Ben agrees to meet Tate someplace else.
Meanwhile, Vivien meets with the handsome home alarm system guy who shows her all the fancy new bobs and diddlebings that he is going to install in her house, replacing the outdated system that could be overridden if someone simply cut the telephone line or electricity. FORESHADOWING. And though this is the last we will see of Handsome Home Alarm System Guy in this episode, considering he is actually a secret space lizard, I doubt this is the last we will see of him.
Milk Eye Moira busies herself carving a bunch of pumpkins, and requests Halloween off so she can visit her mother. Sure, why not. When Vivien takes Moira’s pumpkin outside, she finds Sylar and
Handsome Man his boyfriend Patrick on the sidewalk and assumes they are the fluffers. Sure, why not.
Inside, Ben and Vivien and Sylar and Patrick carve some pumpkins, which Ben finds fun, since he never got to do it as a kid (nevermind that his daughter is some 15-years-old now and I’m sure he carved at least one or two pumpkins in the interim, BUT WHATEVER). Sylar asks Ben why, but it’s ignored. Sylar, whilst swigging white wine, snips at Patrick for his indiscretions, and Vivien changes the conversation asking if they have any other suggestions for making the house sell faster. Sylar sighs about the gazebo being a hideous mistake, and announces that they will get through this night first and then take that tacky thing down. At the notion, Ben puts a knife through his hand, because, GUILT!
Patrick, who is an EMT, takes Ben upstairs to take care of the cut and to get a little handsy, ala Hot Moira-style, and offers to, um, fluff him. Ben, alarmed, insists he’s not gay, and Patrick apologetically backs off, and asks that Ben not say anything to Sylar, because
he’ll cut his head open and eat his brains so as to take his powers things aren’t great between them.
Downstairs, Sylar tells Vivien that her husband seems awfully nervous, and goes on to explain that he had caught Patrick cheating via cell phone records. Texts can be deleted, but the bill can not. And, seriously, is Vivien supposed to be brain-damaged? Do you mean to tell me that this woman, who moved across the country to get away from her husband’s hussy, she wouldn’t have already been scrutinizing his cell phone bills with a magnifying glass every month? Of course, we’re also supposed to just accept that she’d be cool with him going back to Boston by himself and not demand a full itinerary, including his lodging information and a detail of how he would be spending every waking moment. PLEASE.
Violet discovers Addy hiding under her bed, who explains that she wants to be a pretty girl like Violet for Halloween. Violet smears some blue eyeshadow on Addy, and they chat about Addy’s age (a lady never tells), whether Violet is a virgin (yes), whether Addy is a virgin (no) and whether or not Tate is Violet’s boyfriend (unclear). Violet gently reminds Addy that she can’t keep breaking into the house, but Addy protests that all of her friends are here. Before admiring herself in the mirror: she’s beautiful!
However, when she returns home, Constance is furious with Addy’s makeover and the two chase each other around the kitchen whilst Jessica Lange chews on the scenery and screams horrible things at her daughter.
Violet, for her part, goes to the goblin basement to meet up with Tate, only to be attacked by Gimpsy! Except that it’s totally not Gimpsy, but rather Tate in the gimp suit. Fun! What a fun, not creepy thing to do! Violet swears Tate didn’t frighten her, so he lights up some candles, grabs a Ouiji board and promises to tell her a story that will frighten her. Violet wants Tate to tell her about the Gringotts goblin baby, and so Tate obliges: retelling the story of Dr. Alby and Mrs. Alby his harpie wife who forced him to perform abortions to supplement their income. HOWEVER, one of the women who received his services told her boyfriend what she did. And one night, Mrs. Alby receives an ominous phone call warning: “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.” It takes Mrs. Alby a moment to understand, but eventually she gets it, and in a panic runs upstairs to the nursery to find Baby Alby missing from his crib and a ladder propped up outside the window.
The Albys wait to hear something from the police, but are only eventually delivered a box full of jarred baby parts. Dr. Alby, who had been filling his free time sewing wings onto pigs, decides to put his hobbies to use and begins sewing Baby Alby’s pieces to various animal parts he had lying around. According to Tate, the thing he created remained down here in the basement to this very day. Violet remains unimpressed, and demands that Tate take her on a date someplace other than the goblin basement.
Ben meets Tate at a coffee shop/pumpkin patch which makes as much sense as anything, and Ben cries about how he had a tough childhood but somehow still managed to go to medical school. Pull it together, Dr. Sobsalot.
Taking yet more advice from Bad Parenting Monthly, Constance has a surprise for Addy: a terrifying “pretty girl” mask that she can wear to go trick-or-treating. FACT: This mask is the scariest thing in the episode.
Ben and Vivien also put on their costumes and have a yelly fight when Vivien announces that she knows Ben has been talking to his little trollop, thanks to the phone bill. Ben lies and lies and lies some more, but then the phone rings AND OH LOOK AT THAT, IT’S HAYDEN. Wait, wut? says Ben.
Vivien flees downstairs where Sylar gives her sass about her tacky costume, and then attacks Ben for not buying Granny Smith apples. When Ben suggests that Sylar take it down a notch, Sylar and Patrick insist that Ben and Vivien leave. Wait, wut? say Ben and Vivien. THIS IS NOT YOUR HOUSE, Sylar and Patrick yell. YOU DON’T DESERVE IT AND WE ALL KNOW THIS. Vivien, having had perfectly enough of men in general, flips out, tearing down all the decorations and screams at them to get OUT! Sylar and Patrick glimpse Gimpsy in a doorway, and happily oblige.
And when Vivien said get out, she meant you, too, Ben. OUT. (Which, no. There is no way she would stay in the haunted invasion murder house by herself. This would not happen. BUT I GUESS SINCE SHE’S BRAIN DAMAGED THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE.) But then she has a pain — a curious pain that feels an awful lot like the baby is kicking — which, at 8 weeks gestation, is somewhat improbable. ALSO IMPROBABLE? That Vivien and Ben would then just leave Violet alone in the haunted invasion murder house ON HALLOWEEN to go to the hospital. COME. ON. How hard is it to bring her with you to the hospital, ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY INSTRUCT HER TO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR. So it’s not like she needs to stay behind to hand out candy, they just cold left her there to … OH WE’LL GET TO THAT LATER.
At the hospital, a doctor performs a sonogram on Vivien, announces that the baby is much bigger than 8 weeks and promptly passes out at what she sees. SOMEONE TURN THAT MONITOR AROUND. Ben, you’re a doctor, take a look, COME ON.
And so, with instructions to not answer the door, Violet puts on her iPod and reads a graphic novel. Addy, in her terrifying Pretty Girl mask, tries to trick-or-treat at the Harmons’, but Violet doesn’t hear her, for reasons stated above. Soon, some teenage girls whose parents don’t love them enough to keep them from leaving the house in slutty pirate costumes, come to the door, and make fun of Addy before heading to the house across the street. Addy follows, wanting to be one of the Pretty Girls, and is promptly and unexpectedly hit by a car. WHAT?
Constance arrives at the scene of Addy’s accident after the EMTs, who explain it was a hit and run. Constance asks if Addy is gone yet, and the EMTs just shuffle around and mumble and watch as this crazy lady drags her dead daughter over to the murder house lawn. Alas, Addy is dead, and probably will not be revisiting us as a ghost. SAD.
And back at the haunted invasion murder home, Larry is banging at the door, screaming that he wants his
two thousand dollars, and throwing handfuls of candy at the trick-or-treaters. Violet, understandably alarmed SINCE SHE WAS THE VICTIM OF A HOME INVASION A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, calls her father who discourages her from calling the cops, because, SURE. And Violet backs away from the door and the insane screaming man BUT ZOMGIMPSY! HE’S BEHIND HER!
Ben and Vivien arrive to an empty home (btw, nice decorations, Harmons — love what you did with those skeletons), Violet nowhere to be found. GOOD PARENTING, YOU GUYS. And that’s when there’s a knock at the door: DING DONG, MURDERED PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND CALLING!
Timeline so far:
1922: Dr. Alby (Montgomery) builds the house for his wife Nora.
1926: Something terrible happens to the Albys.
1968: The nurses are killed by Franklin.
1974: Addy is born.
1978: Twins are killed by the basement goblin.
1983: Constance kills her husband and Moira.
2010: Sylar and Patrick are killed in the house.
2011: The Harmons move in.
American Horror Story airs on FX Wednesdays at 9 p.m. It is very naughty.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.