October 31, 2011
It is Halloween night, and of all the ghouls and vampire princesses and headless horsemen that came to my door seeking candy, none were as scary as the mermaid out of water spastically flopping around at Pandora’s engagement party. LOOK AT THAT. THAT HAPPENED. THAT IS NOT SPED UP. Nightmares.
Lisa, driving around in her Bentley, decides to start calling everyone she Vanderknows for some reason, but no one will answer, because who needs it. Lisa finally is able to reach Kyle and the two of them chat about the Vandergagement party and La Maloof’s disastrous, soap-filled cooking lesson. Kyle laughs a little too hard and nothing new is learned, and its time to move on. Lisa then calls Taylor to dis-Vandervite Taylor and Russsell to Pandora’s engagement party. It’s just that
Lisa can’t stand Taylor Mohammed and Russell have some sort of complicated relationship that everyone is Vandertalking around — presumably a bad business deal of one sort or another — and, so, if it is too much to ask, can Taylor maybe not bring Russell to the party? If she wants to stay home, too, that’s totally cool. No Vanderffense will be taken! But Taylor promises to leave Russell home and attend, which I’m not entirely sure is the result Lisa was Vanderhoping for.
OH HELP US. Taylor is planning another birthday for Kennedy. Those of you who watched last season must remember Mad Hatterpalooza, the $60,000 4-year-old’s birthday party:
Anyway. It seems another year has passed, and Kennedy’s birthday has rolled back around again. But this year, Taylor is going to give her daughter an age-appropriate party, you guys: a “ranch party.” With animals and … ranches and 200 of Kennedy’s closest friends. To this end, Taylor and Pam are tasting $2,000 horse-shaped cakes. Sure. Kids love $2,000 horse cake.
Meanwhile, Kyle’s mother-in-law has decided to let Dr. Mr. La Maloof butcher her face because she presumably wants to look like una La Bruja. Kyle is not particularly fond of this idea nor is she good at hiding her disgust.
AND THEY SHOW THE SURGERY. NO. NO TO SURGERY. I GET THAT HE WAS ON DR. 90210 OR WHATEVER, BUT IF I WANTED TO WATCH SURGERY, I’D TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHICH STATION WAS THE HEALTH NETWORK AND WATCH THAT. NO, NO, NO. NO, “Whoops! I squirted some fat on you!” NO TO THIS.
The horror is intercut with Dr. Mr. La Maloof joking with his anesthesiologist about how the anesthesiologist supposedly looks like Marky Mark (which, considering they never show him without his surgical mask, it’s difficult to confirm or deny, but whatever), and then calling Marky Mark presumably to show off for the cameras that he knows Marky Mark, but Marky Mark doesn’t answer nor do we get to hear Marky Mark’s voicemail so there’s no way to confirm that it was actually Marky Mark that Dr. Mr. La Maloof called, so name-dropping fail, Dr. Mr. La Maloof. Fail.
Anyway, La Brujita’s surgery completed, the family comes to her recovery room to compliment her on how “beautiful” she looks except for Kyle who hides behind a surgical curtain and cries and flaps her hands. This is understandable, because she’s never seen someone who’s had a facelift before.
Sometime later, Taylor invites Kyle and Mauricio for (a chef-prepared, obvs) dinner and OH MY GOD IT’S RUSSELL. This is literally his first (and only?) appearance on the show this season AND IT IS SO AWKWARD. I FEEL SO AWKWARD. I DO NOT WANT TO WATCH THIS. AM I THE ONLY ONE BREAKING OUT IN A SWEAT? I DO NOT LIKE.
In an interview, Kyle notes that Taylor is constantly telling them terrible things about Russell, but when they see him, he’s nothing but perfectly polite and nice. Dissonance! Dinner is uncomfortable, especially when Mauricio begins chewing on Kyle’s hair or whatever and the Armstrongs look at them like they are aliens. Eventually, Russell brings up why he brought them all here tonight: a story was published in Us Weekly that day about how Taylor and Russell had separated AND CLEARLY THIS IS A LIE. and Russell is fairly certain it was Lisa who gave them the story. Despite the fact that Lisa is good friends with the publisher of Us Weekly, Kyle and Mauricio remain unconvinced. And deeply uncomfortable. Russell explains that he plans on suing everyone, EVERYONE! to uncover the source and it totally sounds like a threat, and, dude, not to speak ill of the dead, but this guy was creepy.
Meanwhile, completely oblivious that they are about to be dragged into a ridiculous lawsuit, the VanderPumps get Vandeready for the Vandergagement party, with Chanel dresses and diamonds and floofing. At one point, Kim calls with her regrets, and Lisa encourages her to stop by the party for at least one drink/hit of crytal meth. VANDERWHOOPS!
Lisa then surprises Pandora with a gift: a $68,000 necklace made from the 10 carat bracelet Grandpa Ken gave her when she was Vandergnant with Pandora. Sure. Of course. Grandpa Ken, in turn, gives Pandora’s Fiance one of his old $21,000 watches that he just had lying around gathering dust. These people.
And then it’s Vandertime to party. The Sultan has outfitted his harem sex palace with belly dancers and a camel and snakes and seizure mermaids (see above) and air brush tattoo artists and a Dave Navarro impersonator and a tent and a bongo band and its all very Very.
But other than that, nothing much happens. Taylor and Lisa share a Vanderawkard moment when Lisa attempts to ask Taylor how she’s doing, and Taylor shoots “I KNOW IT WAS YOU, FREDO,” lasers at her, while choosing to wait to confront her about the media leaks for a more appropriate time. Wait, what? Did Taylor clear that with the producers? Because I’m pretty sure “Starting Ridiculous Fights at Inappropriate Times” is a requirement in their contracts, and she might want to check with her reality lawyer.
There is dancing and Camille and Taylor playing the bongos and Kyle doing the splits and Dave Navarro making stupid faces and Mauricio and Mr. Dr. La Maloof discovering the secret sex room and some woman named Dazzzzzza who calls her husband “Daddy,” which is super gross and the only thing all of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (or Anywhere Else for that matter) have ever all agreed on.
While we’re on the topic of vom, it seems Kim has a super-secret boyfriend whom she has decided to finally reveal to the world. Kim meets with mystery boyfriend at a tapas bar to warn him that her sisters might be … less than receptive, while the camera lingers over his meaty shoulder, preventing us from seeing his face. OOOH! IS IT A CELEBRITY? SOMEONE’S EX-HUSBAND? WHY ALL THE MYSTERY?
Oh. I see. He’s a bridge troll. (I KNOW, I KNOW. That’s not nice. But you have to admit the resemblance is somewhat uncanny:)
The story is that Troll Ken is a neighbor whom Kim met while “standing by her mailbox.” (FACT: “Standing by one’s mailbox” is what the kids call rehab these days. Look it up.) The two of them are superinlove and ready to tell Kim’s sisters, sorta, except that Kim is clearly not ready at all, and advises Troll Ken that he needs to just keep his troll mouth shut on the big day. This will go well, I am certain.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, TROLLS!
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.