‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Channeling the ghosts of faces past

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Your Face or Mine”
November 7, 2011

What is the deal with showing all of Dr. Mr. La Maloof’s surgeries and procedures all of a sudden? WHY DO WE HAVE TO SEE THIS? I do not want to see this. Do you want to see this? Because I do not want to see this. BUT SEE THIS YOU WILL, because this episode half revolves around Dr. Mr. La Maloof’s “Night of a Thousand Jabbing Needles Beauty.” Super.

The ladies are all invited to Dr. Mr. La Maloof’s office to partake in his services, and instead of face needles, Kyle opts to have some sort of metallic space squid shoot lasers at her belly. Apparently the metallic space squid can open up portals in her fat cells to allow something or other to disappear? Maybe into a parallel universe? When did this turn into a Doctor Who episode?

Taylor, however, does opt for face needles and in preparation smears her face in numbing cream. There is not enough numbing cream in the world for me to undergo face needles, not that you asked. But honest to God, you’d have to call Dr. Murphy to come deal with me if you wanted to stab me in the face with the needles. Lisa arrives and Vanderggests that instead of getting stabbed in the face with face needles, Taylor try a radical procedure: eating. Taylor would frown at her if she could.

Kim is late. Dr. Mr. La Maloof calls her to find out why she is late. She is late because she is late. So much boring footage of Kim driving, late.


Camille is not coming to have her face stabbed with needles because Kelsey Grammar is acting like a jackwood again, or something, it’s unclear. Lisa and Kyle call her, and Camille genuinely seems upset and is maybe looking for a wee bit of sympathy, but Lisa and Kyle are all,”KBAI!” and hang up on her because who wants to Vanderlisten to that, right?

Lisa then checks her Vandermail, and discovers that Russell has emailed her a long rambling message about how he and Taylor are SUPERHAPPY TOGETHER, like, HAPPIER THAN THE HAPPIEST COUPLES, EVER and THEY ARE NOT BREAKING UP EVER and ALL THEY DO IS SIT AND HOLD HANDS AND TALK ABOUT HOW HAPPY THEY ARE, TOGETHER, and ALSO his business is UP 900% so WHEREVER THESE FALSE STORIES ARE COMING FROM they better GET IT RIGHT. Lisa is Vanderfused as to why she is the only person to receive this email, but Kyle pretends to not hear the question.

Kim finally stumbles into the office, half-apologizes for not attending the Vandergagement party and preemptively explains that she will not be attending Kyle’s upcoming séance, because it’s against her religion.


As La Maloof arrives to her husband’s nightmare party, Taylor and her 3 pounds of face filler go to leave. Before she can make her escape, however, Lisa Vanderambushes her about Russell’s email, and Taylor manages to deflect: why doesn’t Lisa Vanderask him herself at the séance, which he will totally be at. STINKEYES ALL AROUND.

Kim heads into Dr. Mr. La Maloof’s office for her face needle time, and he takes the opportunity to ask her about any medications she might be on. In fact, there are a few: Trazodone, Topomax and Lexapro. WELL! Let’s take a peek at some of the side effects of these medicines:


  • you should know that trazodone may make you drowsy and affect your judgment. Do not drive a car or operate machinery until you know how this medication affects you. If drowsiness is a problem, ask your doctor about taking part of your dose at bedtime.
  • ask your doctor about the safe use of alcoholic beverages while you are taking trazodone. Alcohol can make the side effects from trazodone worse.
  • you should know that trazodone may cause dizziness, lightheadedness, and fainting when you get up too quickly from a lying position. To avoid this problem, get out of bed slowly, resting your feet on the floor for a few minutes before standing up.


  • you should know that escitalopram may make you drowsy. Do not drive a car or operate machinery until you know how this medication affects you.
  • remember that alcohol can add to the drowsiness caused by this medication.


  • you should know that topiramate may make you drowsy, dizzy, confused, or unable to concentrate. Do not drive a car or operate machinery until you know how this medication affects you.
  • you should know that your mental health may change in unexpected ways and you may become suicidal (thinking about harming or killing yourself or planning or trying to do so) while you are taking topiramate for the treatment of epilepsy, mental illness, or other conditions. A small number of adults and children 5 years of age and older (about 1 in 500 people) who took antiepileptics such as topiramate to treat various conditions during clinical studies became suicidal during their treatment. Some of these people developed suicidal thoughts and behavior as early as 1 week after they started taking the medication. There is a risk that you may experience changes in your mental health if you take an antiepileptic medication such as topiramate, but there may also be a risk that you will experience changes in your mental health if your condition is not treated. You and your doctor will decide whether the risks of taking an antiepileptic medication are greater than the risks of not taking the medication. You, your family, or your caregiver should call your doctor right away if you experience any of the following symptoms: panic attacks; agitation or restlessness; new or worsening irritability, anxiety, or depression; acting on dangerous impulses; difficulty falling or staying asleep; aggressive, angry, or violent behavior; mania (frenzied, abnormally excited mood); talking or thinking about wanting to hurt yourself or end your life; withdrawing from friends and family; preoccupation with death and dying; giving away prized possessions; or any other unusual changes in behavior or mood. Be sure that your family or caregiver knows which symptoms may be serious so they can call the doctor if you are unable to seek treatment on your own.

Alright! Well this 1. doesn’t seem ill-advised at all and 2. explains so much!

Admirably, Dr. Mr. La Maloof handles this revelation calmly and professionally, and strongly urges Kim to have her psychiatrist re-evaluate whether she really needs all of these drugs at the same time, and to not ever get behind the wheel ever again because ohmygod. Also? No drinking. Good luck with that.

Lisa and Kyle then get into a Vandergument over whether or not Taylor and Camille are friends. I have no Vanderidea what this is all about, and I don’t really Vandercare. And with that, Lisa leaves in a Vandersnit.

Kyle and La Maloof head into Kim’s examining room to “help” by reminding Dr. Mr. La Maloof of the giant gross lumps he put in Taylor’s face last season, and to yell at Kim to SHHHH! and CALM DOWN! Kim shrieks back at her sister that she’s not her mother, and Kyle, wounded, leaves. La Maloof remains behind to make gasping noises and suck air through her teeth while her husband stabs Kim in the face with needles, all of which is very helpful.

And in the end, Kim ends up with giant puffy lips, because KARMA.

Oh hey, it’s time for another made-up party so the producers can shove the women together and hope for a fight. This time, Kyle is hosting a séance with her psychic, Rebecca, who neither has her own television series based on her, nor a filthy mouth, so this will be considerably less interesting than last season’s psychic.

And because the producers are making her, Kyle has invited Brandi, the saddest giantess, who, because the producers are making her, has agreed to attend. Fun!

Taylor swings by Kyle’s house pre-party to whine at her that Lisa is going around town telling everyone that Taylor doesn’t have any friends, because these women are all 4th grade girls. Kyle merely shrugs and sends her home.

Rebecca the Psychic waves a device around Kyle and Mauricio’s home while explaining to Mauricio that ghosts like cassette tapes because the afterlife is a 1987 Honda Accord. Bernie the Disapproving Chef is also there? Making cupcakes? Sure.

Eventually, all of the women except for Pam arrive, and the psychic begins some mumbo jumbo about a glass of water being half full and the candles smelling like vanilla and crystals and energy and whatever. La Maloof’s dead father George visits and tells his daughter that she’s awesome. La Maloof cries. Brandi has 4 angels looking out for her (?) and is going to have a little girl, SOON (?). Brandi narrows her eyes. Lisa’s dead grandmother complains that she tried to communicate with her through Allison DuBois, but couldn’t get through for some reason. Lisa reminisces about what a Vanderbish Allison was.

And then things get rillllll. Rebecca the Psychic tells Taylor that her relationship is not far behind Camille’s, and that there are “dark spots” in her life, and that her husband is somehow connected to the mob (!!) and focused on money, money, money (!!) and that she needs to find a happy place where she can make her own choices without fear (!!!!). Taylor tries to wave it off in the interview, but HINDSIGHT and CREEPY.

And wait, where’s Russell? Wasn’t he supposed to be here to answer Lisa’s Vanderquestions? I’m pretty sure we were told he was going to be here.

Kyle’s dead mother “Big Kathy” (whom I hear as “Large Marge“) tells Kyle that she’s not Kim’s mother and to back off already. Kyle yammers on and on and ON about how Kim was just yelling at her not to mother her and YES, WE GET IT ALREADY. EVERYONE DOES.

Camille’s dead grandmother outs Kelsey Grammer as a cross-dresser. Camille laughs and laughs and laughs. There are no denials.

Sometime later, Kyle swings by Kim’s house to see what is going on with this big mysterious move of hers. Where is Kim moving? Why is she being so weird about it? How many pills has she popped today? SO MANY QUESTIONS. Kim takes Kyle outside and announces that she’s moving under a bridge with her new boyfriend, The Bridge Troll. Kyle, who apparently met The Bridge Troll at “Paris’ premiere” WHATEVER THAT MEANS, bursts into tears, which is not entirely surprising. I’d cry too if I learned my sister was moving in with a troll and going to be eating live goats all the time. This is a terrible thing!

Like some kind of mantra to ward off this terrible truth, Kyle keeps repeating “I don’t think you want to do this,” over and over again, hoping, possibly, that it will somehow penetrate Kim’s drug-addled brain and make her change her mind. It doesn’t work. And eventually Kyle remembers what Big Kathy told her, and sighs heavily and agrees to let it go. She just wants Kim to be happy, and if a bridge troll makes her happy, what can Kyle do? It’s just REALLY WEIRD THAT SHE HID HER BRIDGE TROLL FOR A YEAR, RIGHT?

Yes, Kyle. It is. It is very weird. But next week you’ll get to meet your future troll-in-law, and that will be even weirder, I bet.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.

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