‘The Bachelor’: The Crying Game

The Bachelor
February 10, 2025

Jesse Palmer arrives at the house to deliver this week’s program: two one-on-one dates, and one group date whose date card is being delivered RIGHT NOW, meaning they will immediately know which two women will be going on those one-on-one dates.

“Worry Stone; Selfies; Llama Drama; Jersey Girl; Model Chloie; Big Head; Hand Model; PowerPoint Girl; Rose is a Rose; T-Shirt Gun; Miss Mormon; and Front Runner: Love is the greatest investment. -Grant”

This means: Miss Dominican Republic and Crying Girl are going on the one-on-ones.

OR ARE THEY?

As the TikTok hit of the summer plays …

@girl_on_couch

Can someone make this into an actual song plz just for funzies

♬ original sound – Girl On Couch

… Grant meets the women of the group date at a bank, where he explains that he is in finance, he’s 6’4″, has brown eyes, but no trust fund, but he’s hoping to find the woman to build that nest egg with. And as they go inside, someone (I’m assuming the only lawyer in the group, Hand Model?) says this:

Law … LAW SCHOOL?

IT’S LITERALLY A BANK WITH LITERALLY A BANK VAULT. RIGHT THERE.

Anyway. They go inside A BANK, where Grant explains they will attend the “Bachelor School of Finance.” This involves the women dressing up as business strippers for some reason, and then being asked “finance” questions (“When was the last time your credit card was declined?” “How much should a man spend on an engagement ring?”) by one of the non-main guys from Shark Tank and a comedian who I do not recognize and who admits she has no idea why she’s there. On that point, she and I are in agreement.

The Shark Tank Guy and Random Comedian then reward “Grant Bucks” to the women whose answers they like best — not necessarily the women who answer correctly. Part of “Bachelor School of Finance” involves the women being shoved into one of those money-blowing booths to catch as many “Grant Bucks” as they can, which I do not recall being a class offered in the business program at the college I attended.

At the end of the day, the woman with the most “Grant Bucks” will win the ability to spend said “Grant Bucks” on different experiences with Grant at the cocktail party.

Selfies wins the most “Grant Bucks” through a combination of her cheeky answers and shoving a ton of “Grant Bucks” into her top in the “Grant Bucks” booth. This visibly irritates T-Shirt Gun, who pouts that she was answering the questions CORRECTLY and therefore should have won.

That evening, Selfie and her $12,400 “Grant Bucks” are offered a menu of options that include a “champagne toast” for $1,000 “Grant Bucks”; a “private dance” for $5,000 “Grant Bucks”; one of Grant’s t-shirts to sleep in for $8,000 “Grant Bucks”; and a trip to Paris for $3 million “Grant Bucks.” Once alone with Grant, Selfie chooses a desert option, and the t-shirt, which … I mean … listen. I get it. But I also think if I were Grant, I would find giving up an article of clothing to a person I barely knew to be on this side of creepy. No one thinks it’s romantic when men collect women’s underthings is all I’m saying.

13k grantbucks for an old t shirt and a mini muffin?

Grantflation is real y’all 😔#bachelor #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/WWNRZc3oEm

— Just a Bachelor🌹 (@steal_ya_4_asec) February 11, 2025

Grant also spends time with other women: playing “Chubby Bunny” with PowerPoint Girl which he says made him laugh more than he has in a long time (sir, you need to get out more); and with Front Runner, with whom he talks about their dogs and how he developed a crush on her during the basketball game. 

And …. those are the only two chats we see, because the rest of the time is spent on T-Shirt Gun’s shenanigans. First, she’s crying because she is “so uncomfortable” and Grant didn’t “look at” her and she feels like she’s “drowning.”

While some women comfort T-Shirt Gun, others, notably Jersey Girl and Big Head, are like: “Oh, so she monopolizes his time on the last group date but can’t get away with it on this group date and, what, we’re supposed to feel sorry for her? Come on.”

At some point, T-Shirt Gun goes to the bar, and that’s when the other women, specifically Big Head, unwisely comment on her dress, and how it’s the “shortest dress [she’s] ever seen” in her life. T-Shirt Gun hears this and now has the ammunition to go running to Grant to cry that she’s being bullied, which, of course, is exactly what she does.

T-Shirt Gun refuses to tell Grant exactly who made the dress comment, but he assures her that he recognizes that she’s just being herself, and that it’s “not cool” with him that she’s being bullied for it. He tells T-Shirt Gun that he sees her “putting herself out there” —  which she certainly is, if stealing him on the group date, alienating the other women, crying for attention, and becoming a tattletale is the same thing as “putting herself out there.”

Grant rejoins the group, offers the group date rose to PowerPoint Girl, and then scolds all of the women for “belittling” and “making people feel uncomfortable in the house.”

T-Shirt Gun:

Everyone else:

Grant takes his leave and the women are like, “ALRIGHT, WHO SAID WHAT?” But it’s Front Runner who is all, “T-Shirt Gun, we all know it was you. What did you say to Grant?”

T-Shirt Gun replies, “I am allowed to chat whatever I want to chat,” which in addition to being somewhat nonsensical is also weirdly aggressive. And then she’s crying again, before Miss Mormon is all, “Oh my God, let’s just all go home and go to bed already.”

The next morning at the McMANsion, EVERYONE is now in tears for some reason. Llama Drama is crying; Big Head is crying, Front Runner is crying, everyone is crying.

One person who is not crying is, ironically enough, Crying Girl.

But give her time.

She heads out to her one-on-one date with Grant, and arrives at an airfield where Grant is waiting for her in front of a private jet. He explains that they have a “whip” for the day and are headed to Las Vegas for a surprise. On the jet, they raise a glass of champagne to “a P.J. and what is coming ahead,” and then Grant raps — “raps” again. Terribly.

As for the big surprise activity: they are to do the Skyjump at the Strat Hotel, which … of course they are. But in a surprise twist, Crying Girl is totally down with it, and if anything Grant’s the one who is nervous. But they suit up and are belted in by some guy in a helmet … but where are their helmets?

THEY’RE THE ONES JUMPING OFF A BUILDING, WHERE ARE THEIR HELMETS?

They never get helmets, but they do jump off the building, twice, without any crying or coercing or talking about how this is taking a “leap of faith” just like falling in love … they just jump off the building and then are released to actually enjoy the rest of the date.

That night they have dinner in the middle of a swimming pool on a rooftop deck for some reason, and Crying Girl reveals her sob story/BIG SECRET: she has epilepsy. She explains she started experiencing tremors at 13, and had her first seizure at 17. She goes on to say that while it’s controlled by medication, her condition has caused friends and romantic partners to “let [her] down,” to not invite her to concerts or end relationships with her because they are afraid she might have a seizure.

Or, Crying Girl, and I’m going to hold your hand when I say this … or maybe they just used it as an excuse to not invite you to concerts or stay in relationships with you.

But whatever, she’s now crying, Grant’s crying for some reason, everyone’s crying again.

Grant offers her the rose, and she gladly accepts.

The next morning it is revealed that though it is supposed to be Miss Dominican Republic’s one-on-one date, she had to leave because she was “sick” and will not be returning to the house. And though they don’t tell us on the show what exactly happened, in interviews since, Miss Dominican Republic revealed that while everyone was on the group date, she became violently ill, went to the hospital, and discovered she had appendicitis that required emergency surgery. PUT HER ON PARADISE. JUSTICE FOR MISS DOMINICAN REPUBLIC.

Good GOD, imagine coming down with appendicitis while sleeping in a shitty bunk bed at #TheBachelor mansion: ew.com/the-bachelor…

— Kristen Baldwin (@kristengbaldwin.bsky.social) 2025-02-12T00:34:42.922Z

So, instead of giving one of the group date women a one-on-one date, they arrange a mini-group date:

“Big Head; Hand Model; Miss Mormon: Could this be puppy love? Love, Grant.”

The three women meet Grant at Vanderpump Dogs, which when I recapped The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills back in the day, I insisted on calling “Vanderpets” BECAUSE THAT IS JUST A BETTER NAME AND WE ALL KNOW IT. It’s called science. Look it up.

After the group meets some adorable and adoptable dogs, they are blessed by the presence of the Grand Dame of Vanderpets herself, Lisa Vanderpump and her newest purse dog.

R.I.P. GIGGY.

These women start screaming about how they are Lisa Vanderpump’s biggest fans, and she’s like, “Yes, darlings, I believe that. Now one of you go wash my collection of Vanderstreet dogs.” Hand Model volunteers and she and Grant wash one of the Vanderpuppies while Lisa Vanderpump and the other two women stand around and talk about them? It’s very awkward.

Especially because Big Head and Miss Mormon both walk dogs with Grant, allowing them a little more privacy to actually talk.

In the end, Big Head and Hand Model are sent back to the McMANsion, leaving Grant to have dinner with Miss Mormon.

Oh and Crying Girl is spiraling at the idea of Grant going on a date with someone (somethrees) else.

As for their dinner date, Grant and Miss Mormon go to Los Angeles’ City Hall, which is not typically known as a dining hotspot, but sure. There, Miss Mormon asks Grant about his family, and he talks about how he grew up in New Jersey, where his father had a successful business, but also struggled with addiction. Based on things his father told him, he believed his mother was the problem, but as he grew older, he began to see that his mother was actually holding everything together, and that she is incredibly strong.

Miss Mormon then tells Grant about her family: her white mother is from Idaho and met her Fijian father in college in Hawaii. They fell in love, got married, and had her. But when she was three months old, and her mother was only 23, her father died in a car accident. As a result, Miss Mormon was raised by her entire family, her grandparents and her aunts and uncles, and she always felt so loved. In fact, it’s very difficult to be away from them, really for the first time ever.

Grant then surprises her by pulling out a phone to FaceTime Miss Mormon’s mother together, which is very sweet.

Grant obviously offers Miss Mormon the rose, and she obviously accepts. They then dance to a string quartet.

Meanwhile, back at the McMANsion, Crying Girl is in FULL CRY. It would seem that while Grant was out playing with puppies, she and Rose is a Rose had a conversation off-camera in which Rose told Crying Girl that Grant told Rose that while Crying Girl was grinding on him in front of God and everyone he was “dancing” with Crying Girl, he was thinking about Rose. Crying Girl says she feels “cringey” at this point, which is officially the most Gen Z thing anyone has said on this show up to this point, kudos. Crying Girl is NOT HAPPY and NEEDS TO KNOW IF SHE’S JUST WASTING HER TIME.

Before the rose ceremony, a box filled with corsages arrives at the McMANsion with a note:

“Will you go to prom with me? Love, Grant.”

It turns out that Golden Bachelorette’s Eyes Wide Shut wasn’t the only Bachelor Nation member who didn’t go to his prom; Grant didn’t either, too busy with basketball.

So Grant shows up at the McMANsion for this “prom” along with four of the Golden Bachelorette guys: the aforementioned Eyes Wide Shut; Chef Jack; Party Gary; and Clark Griswold.

OK BUT WHERE IS CHARLES IN CHARGE? WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE A PROM WITHOUT CHARLES. IN. CHARGE. HOW DARE.

Whatever. They “prom.”

At some point, Hand Model takes Grant out to the breakup driveway and promposes to him with some dumb letter balloons that spell out “PROM” which begs a question I would love to ask someone involved with the show:

So, presumably, Hand Model didn’t know they were going to have a “prom” until that box arrived. How does she get the balloons? Does she go to production and ask them to go buy some balloons for her? Does she pay for said balloons? Like, does she hand over cash and send someone out to Party City to pick up balloons for her? How does any of this work?

Leaving all that aside, they have a conversation about her career as a lawyer and how she works for a “great firm” (again, I need to know which one, please) and that there are ways for her to work in different states. And I am genuinely happy to see these people have this conversation. More of this please. I am 1,000% serious, y’all could learn a thing or five from Love is Blind (of all goddamn shows). Normalize having conversations about what real life would look like.

Grant also chats with Llama Drama, where they play a game where they name who’s most likely to have secrets or succeed or whatever. It’s cute because she’s cute.

Grant slow dances with T-Shirt Gun because she also didn’t go to prom (can’t imagine why) while the Golden Bachelorette guys give the thumbs up.

And Grant kisses on Worry Stone and her dress whose train has been ruined.

Meanwhile, Crying Girl is still FREAKING OUT about Rose saying that Grant was thinking about her while he was dancing with Crying Girl. And though she has a rose, and though she is perfectly safe for another week, Crying Girl is preeeeeeety sure she needs to talk to him about this BECAUSE SHE’S ABOUT TO LEAVE, YOU GUYS. THAT’S HOW SERIOUS THIS IS.

So Crying Girl interrupts Worry Stones to demand to speak to Grant, where she tells him that someone — she’s not going to say who — told her that he told Mystery Woman that he was thinking of her while he was dancing with Crying Girl. Grant demands to know who said this: was it Selfie? Hand Model? Miss Mormon?

But Crying Girl refuses to name names because she “doesn’t want this to be a thing.”

MA’AM. You obviously want this to be a thing or you wouldn’t have brought it up.

But Grant is INSULTED: this is his honor, his name is being besmirched, HOW DARE SOMEONE SUGGEST HE WOULD SAY SUCH A THING?

And at some point, he comes to the conclusion that it had to be Rose is a Rose …

MAYBE BECAUSE HE SAID THAT TO ROSE:

She was FRAMED #TheBachelor

— celbel (@celbel.bsky.social) 2025-02-12T13:19:36.238Z

UMM.

This does not stop Grant from taking Rose aside, telling her what Crying Girl claimed, and demanding to know what she has to say about it. He is NOT a player, he is NOT running game, this makes him look like he’s NOT looking for a wife and HE WILL NOT STAND FOR IT.

Rose is a Rose is like, “I mean, I genuinely thought you said that?”

BECAUSE HE DID.

Grant: “I didn’t say that. That’s a lie”#TheBachelor

Grant literally saying it: pic.twitter.com/Uv9MVGCy6P

— Bachmakers (@bachmakers) February 11, 2025

Rose apologizes, and insists that she wasn’t trying to impugn his character.

Grant then returns to Crying Girl and tells her that he spoke with Rose and while she swears he said it (because he did), he knows for A FACT he did not (except that he did). Crying Girl thanks him for clarifying the situation and for allowing her to use up everyone else’s time with him.

Because that’s exactly what happens: Crying Girl hijacks the cocktail party with her bullshit, and no one else gets any time with him. And uh-oh! Now it’s time to line up for some roses:

Rose #1: T-Shirt Gun
Rose #2: Front Runner
Rose #3: Llama Drama
Rose #4: Hand Model
Rose #5: Worry Stone
Rose #6: Big Head
Rose #7: Rose is a Rose

Which means the women who must go away now are some of our front runners: Model Chloie, Selfies, and Jersey Girl who I am actually impressed wasn’t kept around just to fistfight T-Shirt Gun

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Grant:

The Bachelor airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.