‘The Golden Bachelorette’: The Queen’s Gambit

by Therese Odell, posted in the golden bachelorette, the golden bachelorette: season 1

The Golden Bachelorette
September 25, 2024

After keeping these poor men up until 7 a.m. for the first Rose Ceremony …

… they have officially moved into the McMANsion.

And the first thing they have to do is figure out sleeping arrangements in such close quarters. AND BUNK BEDS?! FOR MEN IN THEIR 60s?! DO THE ABC LAWYERS KNOW ABOUT THIS?

After having a meltdown about his lack of closet space, and offering Mystery Gregg $100 to do his laundry for him, Frenchie warns the other men that he gets up to pee several times a night (a reminder to all the older men out there, and the women who love them: get your prostate exam once a year! –Signed, a Urologist’s Daughter) and ohbytheway he sleeps in the nude.

OK, but hear me out: what if you don’t sleep in the nude just while sharing a bedroom with five other men? How about no?

Jesse Palmer arrives and explains that there will be three dates this week: two group dates and one “magical” one-on-one date. But the catch is: if you receive the one-on-one date, but Joan doesn’t give you the rose, you go home immediately.

The grandpas who have never watched a single episode of The Bachelor: Wait, what? Can you repeat that?

Instead, Jesse Palmer leaves the date card and runs off to the golf course.

“Party Gary; Dr. Bob; Eyes Wide Shut; Charles in Charge; Kelsey’s Dad; Pickleball; Dr. Guy; Clark Griswold: I have a question for you. Go to the other room to find out what it is. Love, Joan.”

The men head into the other room where they find a rack full of tacky tuxes, and a sign reading: “WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME?”

The men choose their tuxes and head out to the stretch SUV that arrives with Joan inside. Joan greets her dates and explains that she wanted to go to prom because it represents a lot of firsts: first time to wear a tux; first time to put on a fancy dress; first time to stay out all night. With that, they pile into the limo and head to their Senior Senior Prom, while the rest of the men head inside to take a nap.

They arrive at a high school where they are greeted by Jesse Palmer and a bunch of strangers to fill up the dance floor and Jesse Palmer promises them drinking, dancing, and at the end of the night, one man will be crowned Prom King and receive the date rose.

They begin the festivities with musical guest, 80s One Hit Wonder Dance Sensation Taylor Dayne, and an awkward dance-off. They take prom pictures, they play games (was that a thing at prom? did other people play games at prom? because there were no games at my prom), they drink boozy punch.

Joan has a chat with Eyes Wide Shut who reveals that he didn’t actually go to his prom. He was the only student of color in his small Catholic high school and while he did ask a girl to go with him, and while she did say yes, the week before prom she backed out. It shattered him, and as a result, he created a harder shell around himself as protection.

Dr. Bob tells Joan about his gay daughter and how his Thanksgiving is Dr. Bob and 27 lesbians.

TikTok can confirm:

@lilly27sings

Lesbians love Bob 🌈 #goldenbachelorette #lgbtq #lesbiansoftiktok

♬ original sound – Lilly Brown

When he gets a chance to talk to her, Pickleball tells Joan that he went on a date with Taylor Dayne some five years ago. He claims that Taylor claimed to remember him. OK, Victoria Fuller.

Joan also learns that Party Gary is Tina Turner’s godson, which is admittedly very cool.

Meanwhile, this is Charles in Charge’s first prom, and YOU GUYS:

Charles in Charge eventually gets some one-on-one time with Joan where he opens up about his wife’s passing — she was his first and only love, and six years ago she died unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm. About two years ago his daughters started encouraging him to date again, telling him it is OK to be happy, that he can’t mourn her forever. Charles in Charge then tells Joan that this has been his happiest day since his wife died and I’m going to have to go lie down somewhere.

BUT THEN, THESE MONSTERS SHOW CHARLES IN CHARGE CALLING HIS DAUGHTER TO TELL HER HE WENT TO PROM AND NOW I AM OFFICIALLY DEAD, SO SORRY TO MY HUSBAND WHO IS NOW IN THE SAME BOAT AS CHARLES IN CHARGE.

R.I.P. ME.

Finally, Jesse Palmer invites Joan to come up and announce her Prom King, and she chooses Eyes Wide Shut, who has the audacity to cry about being chosen.

I’m going to sue this show for emotional damages.

Back at the McMANsion, the next date card arrives: “Chock Full o’ Soup: Meet me at the happiest place on Earth.”

Also, we learn that Mystery Gregg is a big snorer, and that Frenchie got up naked in the middle of the night and punched him to make him stop. Team Frenchie. Except for the naked part.

As for the one-on-one date: Joan and Chock Full o’ Soup spend the day at ABC’s parent company’s theme park. It is unremarkable.

That evening, they change into more formal wear — Chock Full o’ Soup is in a tuxedo, Joan wearing what can only be described as Grandma Cinderella:

And they have dinner at something Disney is promoting called 21 Royal — which, from what I can gather, is basically a private dining experience at Disney for people who have too much money to spend but aren’t members of Club 33.

Over dinner, Chock Full o’ Soup tells Joan his story: he was married for 12 years, two beautiful kids, but it didn’t work out, so: divorce. Three years later he meets Kathy. They’re together for 9 years, engaged to be married, when she suddenly has a seizure and is diagnosed with glioblastoma. She lived 5 months and 4 days before dying in his arms.

Kathy did encourage him to move on, which is why he is here on this show, and Joan commiserates: her husband encouraged her to move on, too.

With that, Joan offers him the date rose, and they watch some fireworks.

As for the final date, it’s another talent competition. And this is an interesting twist: someone has been doing his homework, because Captain Kim, anticipating that there might be some sort of talent competition, has prepared a generic song ahead of time. I mean, is that so hard? The producers only have so many date ideas that they cycle through; so I’m surprised this is the first time on ANY show I’ve seen someone come prepared for the talent competition.

Once at the theater, Joan tells the men that she was once in their shoes on The Golden Bachelor, and she knows it’s terrifying. She encourages them to find the courage to perform because it “changed [her] world.” Joan and Jesse Palmer are joined by Loni Love for some reason; and Jesse Palmer informs the men that the winner of the talent show will have a romantic one-on-one dinner with Joan and everyone else will be sent back to the McMANsion for SnoreFest 2024.

Mystery Gregg does a comedy routine, joking about having sleep apnea and being punched by a naked Frenchman.

Prune Juice yo-yos.

Restraining Order Gil juggles poorly.

Plant Man reads a poem.

Willy Wonka karate chops some boards.

Chef Jack does a puppet show about Mystery Gregg’s snoring.

Frenchie styles a wig.

Captain sings his song and is convinced he has it in the bag.

But then Verklempt Dan, who suffers from a slight hand tremor, comes out and does a rhythmic gymnastic ribbons routine to highlight said tremor, and wins the competition.

Captain Kim is PISSED.

But too bad, go back to the McMansion and fix the disposal, Captain.

Joan and Verklempt Dan have dinner there on the stage, where Verklempt Dan tells her about his many health issues. In addition to this tremor, he was diagnosed with diabetes in 2015, and learned that every organ was starting to fail. The doctors told him he only had 6 months to live, but since it’s 2024 now, that was obviously not true. Still, he has issues, and other women haven’t wanted to become involved with him because it’s too much to take on.

Joan is nonplussed: none of us get through this life unscathed, and he seems like a lovely, emotional man whose experience has made him appreciate life. And with that, she offers him the date rose.

Finally, there is not going to be a Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party this week, but instead, a backyard barbecue. Because if there is one thing men in their 60s love, it’s a backyard barbecue. In fact, there’s a bit of a tussle over the grilling of hamburgers, with Chef Jack looking on in disapproval while Prune Juice overcooks the patties and then HORRORS! smothers each of them in barbecue sauce.

Barbecue sauce has NO PLACE on a hamburger. I mean, go ahead and desecrate your own burger with whatever you choose: mayonnaise, ketchup, barbecue sauce, BUT PLEASE LEAVE THAT SHIT OFF OF MY PATTY, THANKS. I stand with Chef Jack.

Joan finally arrives, talks about her Sunday dinners with her family, and claims that she’s “in [her] element” before noting that actually, being in a mansion with 18 dates isn’t exactly what she’s used to, but you get it.

Joan chats with the men:

Pickleball talks about being a wrestler in high school.

Chef Jack forgets how many kids he has before changing into his bathing suit and spending the rest of the time doing cannonballs into the pool.

Frenchie gives Joan a tour of his closet.

Dr. Guy does some dumb thing with his thumb? pretending it’s his heart or something?

Restraining Order Gil — despite reassurances from the producers that his screentime would be reduced because of Restraining Order — spends a good long while garnering sympathy by crying about his dead wife.

Meanwhile, this is still going on:

Party Gary talks about his grandkids, and Joan gives him a framed picture of the two of them at prom. Party Gary cries.

Captain shows Joan a bunch of pictures of his dead wife.

And Kelsey’s Dad asks in German if he can kiss Joan.

Then it’s time to hand out some roses:

Rose #1: Kelsey’s Dad Mark
Rose #2: Party Gary
Rose #3: Frenchie
Rose #4: Pickleball Jordan
Rose #5: Willy Wonka
Rose #6: Clark Griswold
Rose #7: Restraining Order Gil
Rose #8: Charles in Charge
Rose #9: Captain
Rose #10: Mystery Gregg
Rose #11: Dr. Guy

Which means we say goodbye to Plant Man, Prune Juice, Dr. Bob and his pack of lesbians, and the wonderful Chef Jack.

I’m sorry, Chef Jack, but I think you were just here for the cannonballs.

Here are the men who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joan:

The Golden Bachelorette airs Wednesday on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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