‘The Bachelor’ meets its match: a woman who refuses to be dumped

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 28

The Bachelor
March 25, 2024

We begin with this final episode with one last bit of foreshadowing … but it’s foreshadowing that we’ve already been foreshadowed: Joey, on the beach, in a suit, crying. IS HE BEING DUMPED BY BOTH WOMEN? DID HE CHOOSE NEITHER? WILL HE ASK THEM TO BE SISTER WIVES? DID CHRISTMAS TREE AND VOODOO DOLL RUN OFF TOGETHER?

Jesse Palmer back in the Bachelor Studio is not telling, but he does hint that this might just be the “most talked about finale ever.”

I mean, maybe.

We then return to Tulum, where Joey is burbling about this being the biggest week of his life and how out of 32 women, two remain and he’s falling in love with both of them.

To help him sort out his feelings, his family has been flown down to Mexico for the “meeting of the ladies” portion of these shenanigans. Mom, Dad, Sister 1, Sister 2, and Brother-in-Law are in Tulum for a free vacation to meet Voodoo Doll and Christmas Tree and give Joey their opinions. Joey tells his family that Christmas Tree is “amazing” and that what she’s been through shapes how she looks at life, while Voodoo Doll has an “infectious energy” and is “stinking cute.” He tells them that only this past week has he expressed that he was falling in love with anyone, and he has not said “I love you” to anyone — that he’s saving that for the proposal.

First up: Christmas Tree.

Christmas Tree opens by telling Joey’s family about her entrance on the first night in a “little red truck haulin’ a Christmas tree” and immediately forgetting her name. She then tells them that she and Joey had an instant connection and she received the first one-on-one date, before revealing the story about losing her hearing and receiving a cochlear implant. She tells Joey’s family that his response when she told him about her hearing issues changed everything for her, noting that Joey is a remarkable person because of how they raised him, and she thanks them. It is, like Christmas Tree herself, very genuine and sweet.

Christmas Tree visits with Joey’s sisters, and they ask her if she’s told him that she loves him. Christmas Tree reveals that she told him that she was “falling in love” with him and he told her he was feeling the same way. That said, she IS in love with their brother, Christmas Tree assures them, and she is ready to choose him every day for the rest of her life. Christmas Tree adds that she wants them to know that their brother changed her life, and that while it’s terrifying that there is still someone else in this whole process, she can see a whole life with him. Christmas Tree is crying, Sisters are crying, everyone is crying.

The Sisters then happily report back to Joey that Christmas Tree is Very Serious Business and prepared to say yes to a proposal. Joey, however, points out that Christmas Tree has been holding back emotionally and while he understands that it’s natural to do so when there are other women still in the mix, it scares him a little.

“WHAT PART OF ‘SHE’S READY TO SAY YES’ DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND, DUMMY?” Sisters don’t yell but should have.

Joey goes on to talk about how scared he is to break someone’s heart at the end of this and there it is, y’all, he’s going to dump Christmas Tree.

Christmas Tree then visits with Joey’s mother, who asks her what makes her unique. Christmas Tree is like, “I mean, I told y’all about the deafness and the cochlear implant, right?” says a bunch of words about resiliency and strength and loving people deeply.

Christmas Tree admits to holding back in previous relationships out of fear of being hurt, and Mom points out that this process must be difficult for her. Christmas Tree agrees, but notes that Joey is worth it: she’d rather put herself out there than miss out on a chance to be with him. Christmas Tree is crying; Mom is crying; Gerry the Golden Bachelor is crying.

With that, Joey walks Christmas Tree out, and tells her that his family had nothing but amazing things to say about her. As Joey says his goodbyes, Christmas Tree narrates that it really feels like Joey is her person … but, of course, there’s still someone else out there who might feel the same.

Speaking of: Voodoo Doll. Joey burbles about how much he’s missed her and how he looks forward to showing his family how she brings out a different side of him. As for Voodoo Doll, she admits to being nervous and adds that she is very aware that they are also meeting Christmas Tree, who she adds, for the first of many times in the next three hours, is “amazing.”

When he introduces her to his family, Voodoo Doll wipes something from his face, and the look Joey’s Mom gives Dad … she knows, Joey knows, we all know that Voodoo Doll has this thing in the bag.

Joey explains to his family that she gave him a voodoo doll of himself on the first night, and adds that their dates have been “magical.” Voodoo Doll mentions Dead Mom and begins crying about her dad taking care of her until the very end, and how that kind of love and loyalty is what she is looking for in a partner.

Voodoo Doll chats with The Sisters who begin asking her the “hard questions,” namely, what makes them compatible. She replies that they “make sense together” and can joke around.

They then ask her if she’s ready to be married. Voodoo Doll, trying to explain that she is not desperate to get married, that marriage is not something that is on a fixed timeline for her, instead manages to convey that she’s maybe not ready to get married — which, in her defense, was not what she was trying to say at all. And when The Sisters ask if she is ready for a proposal, Voodoo Doll replies, “I think so?”

The Sisters are disappointed in this response, noting that Christmas Tree got across that she was “100% ready” and they remind us of what Joey has been saying all damn season: that his biggest fear is that he is going to propose to someone who is not ready to accept a proposal.

And that is what they pass along to their brother: Voodoo Doll is adorable, great energy, super fun … BUT, does he think she’s ready to get married? Joey is all, “Well, we haven’t had that conversation yet …”

SIR. YOU ARE GOING TO PROPOSE IN 72 HOURS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN’T HAD THAT CONVERSATION YET?

The Sisters point out that Christmas Tree told them that she was ready to marry him without being prompted, but that Voodoo Doll seemed a little more hesitant, and he should do with that what he will.

Voodoo Doll chats with Dad, who asks her how she’d feel if she’s not the one Joey chooses, and here comes the waterworks again. Voodoo Doll notes that Christmas Tree is an amazing woman, but the idea of getting her own heart broken is too much to think about.

Mom asks a similar question and adds that when Joey came home with Charity for the Dreaded Hometown, he told her that he was certain he was “the one” but that if he wasn’t, he would be happy for Charity for having found her person. Mom adds that she can tell by the way Voodoo Doll looks at Joey that she cares about him very much, and that she would welcome her with open arms to their family. Everyone is crying.

Despite this already feeling like an eternity, we still have dates to get through:

Christmas Tree has the first date, and it would seem Joey chose the “spiritual shaman” date otherwise known as “sit in a sweaty yurt in your bathing suit while a stranger blows smoke in your face and chants in a foreign language and try to pretend to be getting something out of this” date.

In an interview, Christmas Tree tells the producers that she’s frustrated because she needs to talk to Joey, to tell him that she loves him and it hurts. When the producer asks why it hurts, she replies “Because he isn’t sure about me.”

And … you guys. I’ve never on this show EVER seen anyone be so intuitive and honest and clear-eyed at this stage. It’s heartbreaking.

Joey and Christmas Tree are then given pieces of copal onto which they are told to make a wish and throw into a bonfire. Christmas Tree wishes to keep learning about Joey and growing with him. But Joey’s wish … it’s for both of them to find true happiness WITH EACH OTHER OR IN GENERAL.

Y’all.

He then adds that he’s “so lucky [he] got to know [her] and THAT SHE DESERVES NOTHING BUT THE BEST.”

Y’ALL. That’s it. That’s the end, he just dumped her. And the worst part is he doesn’t even know it.

But Christmas Tree does.

That night, at the resort, Christmas Tree decides that she’s going to pretend she still has a chance despite him dumping her in front of that “shaman.” Alone with Joey, Christmas Tree talks about how wonderful it was to meet his family, and how well he has handled this whole mess, and how he changed her life, and that she’s not falling in love with him … she is in love with him.

Joey’s response? To pull his head back and tell her “It means so much.”

This man is done.

But if the body language wasn’t enough, Joey then takes her hand and tells her that she’s “so special” but he also hopes she knows how hard this decision is for him to make.

In fact, some might say it’s “impossible.”

It’s not the “right” decision, Joey explains, just the right decision for him.

He’s had to look within and the fact is time is running out and he’s feeling the weight of it. He’s been in her position, and left this particular night feeling more confident than ever, only to have it stripped away.

He hates thinking about how he’s going to hurt someone he cares so deeply about. It’s a lot.

He then tells her to “be grateful for what [we] built” and continue to know how much she means to him, and that he’s going to take the time to make a decision that is important to both of them.

Christmas Tree then walks him out and Joey narrates that he’s “more conflicted than [he’s] ever been” and that at the end of this, he’s going to hurt someone.

But Christmas Tree, she knows exactly who he’s about to hurt.

As for Voodoo Doll’s date, they have a spa day. They get foot scrubs and massages and no one is blowing smoke in their faces or playing a drum. Joey talks about their physical connection and how he can just be goofy with her and Voodoo Doll continues talking about how worried she is that someone else is still here … but you don’t need to worry about a thing, baby girl.

In her hotel room that evening, Voodoo Doll and Joey talk about her visit with his family and how The Sisters asked if she’s ready for an engagement and she tells them that she thinks she is, but that it’s not like she’s just dying to get engaged with just anyone, it’s because it’s him. Which is an important distinction that she did not make clear with the family! Or at least it was edited that way! Whichever!

Voodoo Doll then tells him that both Mom and Dad asked her how she would react if he didn’t choose her and it made her break down in tears both times. And Joey, as if he hasn’t already shown both his entire hand and the full deck of cards, he tells her that he doesn’t want her to worry about that, he doesn’t want her to have any doubts, and that she should keep believing that it could be her.

BECAUSE IT IS HER.

The next day is Engagement Day, so Joey spends the morning looking at rings with Neil Lane while Voodoo Doll and Christmas Tree squeeze into their proposal dresses, do their own makeup and hair and brace themselves for the best/worst day of their lives.

Except. Christmas Tree, she’s seen the writing on the wall, and says she woke up knowing something was off during her last night with Joey: he kept reassuring her that she was “special” and that he only “wanted the best” for her — as if he was preparing her for The Dumpening. When he told her that he had been in this position and had been blindsided, that’s when she knew it wasn’t her.

“Maybe I’m wrong,” Christmas Tree adds before noting that she has to be so strong today, even though she just wants to crumble.

AND GODDAMMIT, IF I’M NOT INVESTED IN THIS ALL OF A SUDDEN.

With that, Christmas Tree heads down the hotel hall saying that love shouldn’t feel like this and she knows what she needs to do. As she makes her way through the hotel clearly headed to someone’s room, the take is intercut with shots of Joey getting dressed for proposal time. Then, Christmas Tree knocks on what we presume is Joey’s door …

…

…

… which Voodoo Doll answers.

Oh … wait, let me be clear: Christmas Tree did not go to Joey’s room, only to find Voodoo Doll already there; Christmas Tree went to Voodoo Doll’s room to talk to Voodoo Doll.

Voodoo Doll invites her into her room, and soon they are both in tears, telling each other how beautiful they look. The women, holding hands, sit down, and Christmas Tree asks Voodoo Doll how her week has been and Voodoo Doll tells her it was “really good.” The family was nice and made her feel good, and while the day date flew by, Joey really made her feel validated that evening.

And that’s what Christmas Tree needed to hear to confirm she’s doing the right thing. She tells Voodoo Doll that her week was “interesting.” The family was lovely, but the date felt off, like something was missing: there was no validation, there was no confirmation, and it did hurt.

Voodoo Doll is honest: she doesn’t want Christmas Tree to be heartbroken, but she also loves Joey so much and wants to be with him. Christmas Tree understands but still has some residual doubts: sure, she knows love doesn’t feel this bad, and she is pretty sure it’s going to be Voodoo Doll … but what if it isn’t?

But that’s just a red herring, because as we watch Joey head over to the Proposal Platform, we intercut with a shot of Voodoo Doll in the SUV on the way over … then with a shot of Christmas Tree in her SUV on the way over … only to pull back and reveal THAT THEY ARE IN THE SUV TOGETHER, HOLDING HANDS.

WHEW.

So, Joey’s on the Proposal Platform with all its tassels and vases and ferns when Christmas Tree arrives first as Joey fully expected. Joey begins delivering his little speech talking about how she was his first connection and how she understood him to his core.

But Christmas Tree interrupts with her own speech: It’s wild how far they’ve progressed from the first night. He came into her life for a reason, in large part to teach her her own worth. Falling in love with him has been fun, Christmas Tree notes, and she is in love with him. “But the thing is,” she sighs, “[Joey] is not going to choose [her].”

Christmas Tree goes on to tell Joey that she’s come to realize that he’s not her person, and she knows that he knows she’s not his. And as much as that hurts, she is going to do what is best for her, and she’s going to go.

Joey tells her again that she’s special, she deserves nothing but the best, and he wishes he could be the one to give that to her.

He offers to walk her out but she stops him, saying she thinks she should do that on her own.


And with that, she walks away from Joey leaving him crying from the foreshadowing clip. He’s crying, the audience is crying, I — ME, YOUR CYNICAL ASS SNARK MACHINE — I AM CRYING, because MY GOD, what a show of strength and self-awareness and intuition and grace. I’ve never seen anything like it on these terrible shows in all the DECADES I’ve been watching them.

BUT WE ARE NOT DONE, because Christmas Tree returns to Voodoo Doll who is waiting for her turn with Joey, and this woman tells her, “I know your mom is going to be looking down on this moment … and is going to be so happy, and proud of you, okay?”

AS IF I WASN’T ALREADY EMOTIONALLY DEVASTATED BY THIS WOMAN, SHE GOES AND DOES THIS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Now, listen. I’m going to reveal something about myself that might make you dislike me, and I’m not particularly proud of it. But a couple of recaps ago — I think it was at Hometowns — I had written a short rant about how tired I was of Voodoo Doll crying about her Dead Mom. I KNOW, I SUCK. But it felt like every time we spent any time with Voodoo Doll, she was sobbing about Dead Mom, to the point where we didn’t learn anything else about her.

I obviously didn’t publish it because when I took a step back, I realized it was a Hometown and so of course she’s going to be emotional about her mother not being with them. But leaving that aside, the reason we didn’t see anything about Voodoo Doll except her crying about her mother was because the producers and editors made that choice, and it wasn’t fair to attack her for a framing that she did not choose. Of course she had more to say to Joey on all those dates: we just didn’t see it because it wasn’t included in the edit.

All of this is to say, I now understand that editorial choice: they made the decision to show us every single time this woman cried about Dead Mom instead of other conversations she might have had with Joey, so that this moment would punch us in the gut.

And, well, kudos.

Anyway, the point is: I cried.

Christmas Tree drives away saying that she has so much love for Joey and she really wanted to be the woman at the end and all of this really hurts, but she can hold her head high and be proud of herself. “If I can love the wrong person this much, just imagine how much I can love the right person,” she says.

MA’AM. You’ve already got The Bachelorette nailed down, you don’t have to kill us all on the way there.

As for Voodoo Doll, she goes down and meets Joey where he talks about their amazing experience and connection and how he’s had tough decisions but there’s nothing difficult about choosing her and he loves her and he proposes and she says yes and he offers her the final rose and yay, they get their happy ending.

Rose #1: Voodoo Doll

But let’s be for real: they aren’t the protagonists of this episode, maybe not of the season. I’m happy for them and whatever, but this just became Christmas Tree’s story, and we’re going to follow it on The Bachelorette, right?

In the Bachelor Studio, Joey is trotted out onto the stage where he’s reunited with Christmas Tree. There, she tells Joey how happy she is for both of them and what a beautiful proposal it was, and how there are no hard feelings. She also reveals that her first inkling that she wasn’t going to be The One wasn’t during the final date, but instead at the rose ceremony when Lei Me was sent home. There, she caught a look between Joey and Voodoo Doll, a look that spoke volumes.

As for Joey, he hopes that she could see how much he cared about her, and adds that the amount of respect and love that she showed him and Voodoo Doll … it takes a lot to be able to do that.

Jesse Palmer asks Christmas Tree how difficult was it for her to walk away, and she admits that it was hard … but sometimes the hard thing is the best thing. Joey notes that the last thing Christmas Tree said to him before she left was that she was pulling for them, and it meant the world to him. He adds that he can’t wait to see what Christmas Tree does in the future — which sure sounds like a set-up for the announcement that she’s the next Bachelorette — and she returns the sentiment from the “deepest part of [her] heart.”

We then reunite Joey and Voodoo Doll and they have a boring conversation about their “journey,” and Joey saving the “I love you” for the proposal, and what it is they love about each other and blah blah blah blah blah. Their families are happy for them, they plan to move to New York later this summer, and the show is sending them back to Jaspar, Canada.

Jesse Palmer then brings back out Christmas Tree, presumably for the big Bachelorette announcement, noting that she gave them such a great line with the whole, “If I can love the wrong person this much, just imagine how much I can love the right person,” thing. But Christmas Tree is like, “No thank you please to being the next Bachelorette, I have been through a whole lot in the past year and want to just be a normal person now.”

Is … is Christmas Tree the most mature person who has ever been on this dumb show?

Jesse Palmer then reunites the real power couple of this season and brings Voodoo Doll back out to join Christmas Tree on the couch.

He explains that the two of them made history on the show by supporting each other on the final day, and in fact, the two of them being on this stage together right now is another show first.

Christmas Tree explains that they had always been close friends through this experience, and that on that last day, she went to Voodoo Doll as a friend to confirm that she was happy so that she could step away without any doubts.

As for Voodoo Doll, she notes that Christmas Tree being beautiful and amazing isn’t threatening because it doesn’t take away from her being beautiful and amazing; both things can be true at the same time. Which is a real easy thing for the woman who won to say but GIRL POWER! or whatever.

The point is, they are happy for each other, the end.

As for who the next Bachelorette is: Christmas Tree! Magaret McPoyle! Go-Kart Girl?

Yep! It’s Go-Kart Girl, who 1. is lovely, 2. is supposedly fun, and 3. will be the first Asian-American lead of either show, so that’s something.

But let’s be for real, for real: she was not their first choice, or even their second. I wish her good luck, because she has some fierce stilettos to fill.

It should have been you, Cinderella McPoyle.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” is the woman engaged to Joey:

I know this is weeks late. Thank you again for your patience with me on this — it’s been a hard month.

The Bachelor streams on Hulu.

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