La Brea
“The Journey, Part 1”
February 28, 2023
UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
SO HERE’S THE THING. This stupid show returns today for its final six episodes, and then it’s done, hopefully zapping into 60,000 B.C. never to be heard from again. But it’s six episodes. I can do six episodes. I don’t WANT to do six episodes, but I CAN do six episodes. But before I CAN do those six episodes, I have to get through these final two episodes of season two. I don’t WANT to do these final two episodes of season two, but I CAN do these final two episodes of season two, so I SUPPOSE I WILL.
Have I mentioned recently that I hate this show? Because I do. I hate it.
So last we left things, Levi done blown up the Lazarus building because Levi was mad that Daddy James and his little Save the World project somehow killed Levi’s past/future wife and child whom we’ve never met and could not care less about. And they killed off Veronica’s sister, Ella, via Poorly Rendered CGI Giant Underground Yellowjackets because they weren’t sure what to do with her character anymore.
Right, so. Somehow, despite being right outside the explosion of a 20-story office tower — or inside of it unconscious, as Eve was — all of our protagonists manage to survive. Sure, Levi is trapped under a giant beam for his sins, but the others manage to pull him to safety before there are more big booms, and that’s the end of the Lazarus Mixed-Use Development.
Then: montage. Gavin has a sad. Veronica leaves flowers at her sister’s makeshift grave. Dr. Sam stares forlornly at his wedding ring. Ty has a nosebleed. Levi loses his shirt; is pensive.
At Camp A Plotline, Dr. Sam is like, “Welp, I guess we’re stuck here for an ever, so we might as well begin acting like it and elect a leader.” He puts his name in the hat, as does Lucas? For some reason? I mean, I’m not going to be inclined to vote for a shady former drug dealer with intense mommy issues over a Navy SEAL doctor who also happens to be a grown-ass man, but other people love them a redemption arc, so.
Elsewhere, Gavin has another flash of dead Eve covered in those red flowers, this time because she cuts her hand open on a walking stick, a wound that is part of the vision and he gets all freaked out again.
But his family is like, “Instead, let’s all pretend your vision is bullshit and go about our lives like nothing is wrong,” because that’s worked out so well in the past.
So Gavin, who can’t leave well enough alone, takes Moore’s journal (which I thought was last in That Kira Lady’s possession? Didn’t she sneak out with it before the Lazarus building blew up? YOU KNOW WHAT? WHO THE FUCK CARES, GAVIN HAS IT NOW, WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT CONTINUITY WHEN THE WRITERS CLEARLY DO NOT?) to Grandpa Silas who is being held as a low-key prisoner by Paara. (Whose village is apparently much closer to Camp A Plotline than I previously thought?) Grandpa Silas takes one look at the journal and declares that this proves, somehow, don’t worry about it, that Dr. Moore had a deus ex machina time travel machine somewhere here in 10,000 B.C., and that the numbers that Veronica figured out were coordinates will probably lead them to it.
So Gavin goes running back to Camp A Plotline and is like, “HOLD OFF ON THE ELECTION, I HAVE FOUND ANOTHER STRAW OF HOPE TO GRASP AT WHICH WILL INEVITABLY END IN DISAPPOINTMENT BECAUSE THERE IS STILL ANOTHER SHORTENED SEASON WE HAVE TO GET THROUGH BEFORE WE ARE ALL PUT OUT OF OUR MISERY! PUT ON YOUR HIKING BOOTS, MAIN CHARACTERS, AND MAYBE LIKE 3 EXTRAS, AND FOLLOW ME!”
Oh, and let’s get plots C and D out of the way real quicklike:
Plot C: Veronica doesn’t feel great, she swipes a pregnancy test from Dr. Sam’s medical supplies (of course he had a pregnancy test, don’t be daft) and discovers, one week after being impregnated, that she is carrying Lucas’ baby. Because that is DEFINITELY HOW ALL OF THAT WORKS.
Hey, lemme check who wrote this episode … and YEP, IT WAS TWO MEN. Because of course it was.
Plot D: Riley discovers for the first time the divorce papers that Dr. Sam has been carrying around with him in his backpack for the past two seasons. That or they appeared in his backpack via a time portal. She has an upset despite the fact that both she and her father are trapped in 10,000 B.C. and neither of them is likely to see Mom ever again.
As for the expedition, they head to where the coordinates lead them, which is a campsite. Except, UH-OH! the campsite is littered with comically dismembered bodies.
There is also an inhaler, teddy bear, and a locket that bears a symbol on it; a symbol of a company where Scott had a job interview the day the sinkhole opened up. What a weird coincidence, I’m sure.
The group then finds a lockbox embedded in a rock and wouldn’t you know it, but that key that Gavin found on the skeleton whenever many episodes ago, it opens it. Inside is a map to a cave complex where they presume Moore’s magical time machine is hidden. And don’t ask how Dr. Moore managed to weld this lockbox into a rock, because the writers don’t know, either.
Before they can head to the portal, they spot an 11- or 12-year-old girl hiding in the bushes and convince her to come out to them. And that’s when they notice a red flower on her shoulder, the one from Gavin’s vision. In fact, there’s an entire valley full of them nearby, a valley they have to pass through to get to the cave system where Moore’s machine is hidden, so Eve is like, “Y’all know what? Maybe I’ll just stay here with the pile of corpses while y’all go find the machine, because that just makes good sense. Nothing says ‘You’re safe here’ quite like a pile of torsos.”
So, Gavin, Dr. Sam, Izzy, and Josh go off to find this cave system, while everyone else hangs behind with the strange girl, who refuses to talk to them. Soon, they figure out that the girl, who is named Petra, speaks German, which Scott happens to have two semesters of under his belt.
When it threatens to rain on them, the group tries to take Petra to a cave but she is all “NEIN! MONSTER! MONSTER!” which I can tell you without having taken even one semester of German means, “No! Monster! Monster!” But everyone is like, “Do what now?”
So she grabs a piece of charcoal (?) and draws a rudimentary monster menacing a stick figure, and these dummies are like, “OOHHH! LIKE ALL THE MONSTERS THAT HAVE BEEN MENACING US IN EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED EPISODE, GOT IT.”
When they ask her where this monster is, she points toward the valley where the expedition headed to because of course. Eve declares that she isn’t going to let her family walk into danger, so she and Riley head down to warn them.
Meanwhile, Dr. Sam, Gavin, Izzy and Josh have found the cave and a big metal, illuminated door inside. And I know this is the least of the problems with this, but where is the electricity coming from? And how is it still on years after this Dr. Moore has died? Who’s been paying that bill? And don’t get me started on the construction project it would be just to get this metal door installed in a fucking cave, which we are supposed to understand is the secret work of one man and OH MY GOD I HATE THIS SHOW.
The point is, Eve and Riley arrive just in time for the Poorly Rendered CGI Giant Komodo Dragon to make its entrance. Eve manages to stab it in its Poorly Rendered CGI neck, but not before Gavin is impaled on a giant stalagmite, o no.
Meanwhile, over in Plot B Village, Levi is grateful to Ty for letting him hang there since everyone in Camp A Plotline hates his guts right about now. Ty is all, “Yeah, well, I’m not so happy with you either, since you blew up all of my magical cancer meds.” Levi has a regret.
While he’s out on a walk, Levi is approached by That Kira Lady who ALSO managed to survive the explosion of Lazarus. How luck! What fortune! Anyway, she’d like Levi’s help, please and thank you. See, there’s a box buried outside of the village that has tools, seeds, and weapons in it, which she and her goons need to survive. Could he be a dear and bring it to her?
Levi suggests a trade: the seed box for Ty’s cancer meds, and she’s like, “Absolutely, because I was sure to go out of my way to save some very specific cancer meds before the building exploded, that is very good writing.”
Levi is retrieving the box when Grandpa Silas finds him. Grandpa Silas convinces him to let him help with the trade for Ty’s meds so that Paara might be more lenient with him, and Levi’s like, “Why not, I’m sure this won’t backfire in any fashion.”
So they take the box which is clearly too small to hold weapons and tools, and once outside the village they decide to break open the lock to see what might be inside. When Levi goes to find a rock, though, Grandpa Silas yoinks the box and runs away.
You are a very dumb man, Levi.
But Levi manages to catch up with Grandpa Silas and having bonded over having dead daughters (this show is terrible and I hate every terrible moment of it), they devise a plan for That Kira Lady.
Levi shows up with the box, and after That Kira Lady hands over Ty’s cancer meds, Paara’s people pop out of the bushes and shoot her goons full of arrows and take her prisoner. And with that, Grandpa Silas is in Paara’s good graces again; Ty won’t die of cancer (yet); Levi has begun his redemption arc; and they have saved the contents of the box which were not seeds, but, instead, fuel rods for Dr. Moore’s impossible cave machine.
ALRIGHT LISTEN. I’m sure there are more correlations to Lost that I’m missing here, but 1. I have to hurry and post this before the new episodes begin airing and after watching this finale, I have too few brain cells to spare on this nonsense and 2. I think I’ve made my point by now, right? This show is like reading a poor English translation of a poorly translated Japanese translation of the original Lost.
But what did jump out at me without having to strain myself was one specific image:
I mean …
What’s this? A symbol of childhood and innocence out in the dangerous wilderness which creates an incongruence that leads the audience to feel a deep unease and worry about the safety of some mysterious child or children?
What a novel idea.
Alright, I’m off to do part 2, go pour Mommy something brown.
La Brea returns on NBC on January 9. It streams on Peacock