‘The Golden Bachelor’: The Grandmas Tell All

by Therese Odell, posted in the golden bachelor, the golden bachelor: season 1

The Golden Bachelor
November 9, 2023

Welcome back to the Bachelor studio for the first ever Golden Bachelor: The Grandmas Tell All special. Joining Jesse Palmer that night are 13 eliminated grannies: Matt James’ Mom; Pamela; Dope and Rizz; Someone Named Christina; Laughing Queen; Someone Named Joan; Hearing Aid; Golden Goddess; Chicken Dance; Regina George; F-Bomb Zen Master; Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner; and Roberta’s Friend.

(Missing are: Anna; Maria; Cheerleader; Can’t Breathe; Penelope Cruz; and I Dream of Genie, for those of you keeping track.)

Jesse Palmer encourages F-Bomb Zen Master to lead them in a calming “FUUUUUUUUUUCK” chant before launching into the first montage of the night. Following the clips, Jesse Palmer asks Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner what it was like stepping out of the limo that first night, and she jokes that if she knew how much crap she was going to catch from her son about saying she’s comfortable with “6 inches” she would have changed it to 8.

Which, you know what? That’s it, I’m won over. Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner is officially the best.

Jesse Palmer asks Chicken Dance what it was like kissing Gerry knowing that her grandchildren were watching, and she notes that her family made her promise to reign it in a little, but in retrospect, she thinks she pulled it in too much. After all, everyone needs and deserves love, hugs, and kisses.

As for Hearing Aid, she notes that her family has a new perspective of her as a person, as someone more than just their mom. She, like all the women on the stage, is a single woman who has needs looking for love, and their families WILL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

Jesse Palmer then moves on to the pickleball game, and F-Bomb Zen Master’s amazing save, while also showing footage of multiple spectators being hit squarely in the arms and chest by errant balls. He also confronts Chicken Dance about her fake ankle injury, and she shrugs it off, “Desperate times call for desperate measures, Jesse Palmer.”

Jesse Palmer then turns to the one real conflict the entire season: Regina George vs. Birthday Suit. Since Birthday Suit isn’t there, we only have Regina George’s side of things, and she seems pretty regretful, noting that she could have been more delicate with Birthday Suit, and maybe they both should have “zipped it.” She insists the moment has passed and she wishes everyone nothing but the best. And that, friends, is the closest thing to a conflict we’re going to get on this show, which frankly is a welcome reprieve from the shitshow that is Bachelor in Paradise.

We then do an entire segment on Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner having bad gas because of some questionable guacamole or maybe meatballs? Like a full five minutes are spent discussing this woman’s gastrointestinal distress.

The women then discuss how inspiring the show has been, and how you can find love at any age. Our Laughing Queen (who is wearing little chair earrings, God bless)

… discusses how it’s because of their life experience — “life be life-ing” after all — and that it doesn’t matter what your age is, all women have power within them.

Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner also talks about how this show will let people know their life isn’t over once they become a certain age, and that they can get back out there. Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner is then presented a video from a viewer whom she inspired: the real Kris Jenner.

Kris Jenner says a bunch of things about how her family is “obsessed” with Twice-Photocoied Kris Jenner and even though I don’t particularly like Kris Jenner and even though she doesn’t really say anything here, Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner is moved to tears by the message and it’s very sweet.

We’re then at the part of the night where the most recently dumped women get a chance to sit next to Jesse Palmer and relive their dumping. First is Someone Named Joan who says she still feels bad about leaving early to be with her daughter who was suffering from post-partum depression. Her daughter and granddaughter are both fine and everything is great, but in that moment, she knew she needed to be with her family. That said, she did hold on to hope that maybe she’d come home one day and find Gerry waiting for her on her front porch.

And then there’s Roberta’s Friend. She says that she saw an amazing life with Gerry, that he’s attentive and caring and loving and funny. Gerry made her feel like a princess, and he made her realize she could fall in love again and that she is worthy of that love. In fact, she can’t wait to get started looking for a new man.

Jesse Palmer then brings up Roberta’s Friend: Roberta, and Roberta’s Friend describes her friend of 60 years as a “true sister.” Roberta encouraged Roberta’s Friend to apply for the show, so she did and she was chosen, and that’s when Roberta revealed that she had stage four cancer. But, she encouraged Roberta’s Friend to go be on the show: she couldn’t wait to watch the first episodes with her.

But.

When Roberta’s Friend returned home, Roberta was in a semicoma. Roberta’s Friend knew Roberta was hanging on to share this Golden Bachelor experience with her, but Roberta’s Friend couldn’t bear to see her dear friend suffer, so she told her it was OK to let go. They’ll watch the show in different places, together.

Even Jesse Palmer couldn’t hold it together.

And THEN as if we haven’t been through enough, Jesse Palmer reveals to Roberta’s Friend that Roberta’s daughter is there in the audience. The two are reunited, and Roberta’s daughter talks about how wonderful Roberta’s Friend is. I mean, just shoot us all in the face already and put us out of our misery.

Finally, Gerry is brought out, and everyone is very kind to him. Dope and Rizz wonders if there are more men like him back in Indiana, and F-Bomb Zen Master says that Gerry wasn’t only a gentleman, he was a “gentle man.”

Someone Named Joan wonders what would have happened had she stayed, but notes that it’s clear he has made some strong connections and wishes him only the best.

As for Roberta’s Friend, she thanks him for giving her the confidence and self-esteem to move on, and for being the special man that he is.

Gerry returns the compliment, and then addresses all the women, telling them that this whole experience has created so much optimism and helped people realize that people their age aren’t invisible, they do have meaning, and they made history together.

And then it’s time to return to the Rose Ceremony to find out which woman Gerry’s about to destroy emotionally.

Last we left, Gerry had handed out one rose:

Rose #1: Prince Groupie

… before running out of the room in tears. Eventually, Jesse Palmer fetches him and asks Gerry what he wants to do. Gerry explains that he knows what he wants to do, he just doesn’t want to do it.

But then he does:

Rose #2: Birthday Suit

THE COLLECTIVE GASP FROM THE AUDIENCE.

And, honestly, their response isn’t surprising. After all, Gerry told Biker Chick IN FRONT OF HER ENTIRE FAMILY that he was in love with her and he did not say anything of the sort to Birthday Suit.

However, Biker Chick was the only woman who said definitively that she wasn’t going to leave her hometown to be with him, whereas Birthday Suit’s daughter actually seemed to assume that her mother would move away if Gerry chose her.

Gerry walks Biker Chick out to the breakup driveway where he tells her that her family is so nice which just made his decision even harder. That said, it was lovely to get to know her and wishes her well.

In the Go Home Now Van, Biker Chick cries that she was ready to marry Gerry, and that she wanted her kids to see her have that love.

From there, we’re back in the Studio, where Biker Chick is still sobbing. She notes that it’s hard to watch it back, and Jesse Palmer assures her that everyone is shocked that she was sent home. Biker Chick worries, again, about her family’s reaction to her being dumped, and talks about how hard it was to go from such a high to nothing.

Gerry joins her on the couch and there is SO MUCH SOBBING. Y’all, I’ve watched a lot of these Bachelor reunions with the dumped women and men, but I have never seen tears like this.

Biker Chick tells Gerry that the worst part of being dumped was that after having this connection with him, when he walked her out, it felt like she was looking at a stranger. They left the hometowns in such a good place only to have it become nothing.

Gerry argues that it wasn’t nothing: he truly loved her in that moment when he told her. They built something real together, and he knows he destroyed it in a brief moment.

Biker Chick talks about building walls around her heart for the past 30 years, but that she felt safe in Gerry’s arms. Biker Chick tells him that she hopes that she feels that way again, but right now, her heart still hurts.

Gerry tells her that the thing that makes him feel the worst is that he promised her family that he would protect her heart, and that he broke that promise. Biker Chick assures him that he never deceived her, and that her family doesn’t think he did either. Biker Chick calls him a “beautiful soul” and insists that she is blessed to have known him.

And then there is SO MUCH MORE CRYING, MY GOD.

With that finally over, all that’s left to do are the bloopers. And I don’t usually include the bloopers because … bloopers. However, there is a spectacular fart from F-Bomb Zen Master at the 1:25-minute mark in this video that should not be missed.

The woman is a queen.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Gerry:

The Golden Bachelor airs Thursdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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