‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Karma is an unexpected rose

by Therese Odell, posted in bachelor in paradise: season 9

Bachelor in Paradise
November 9, 2023

Last we left this collection of sunburned dingdongs, German Sausage was asking Charity what to make of this convoluted story about A-A-RON and his ex-girlfriend (ex-girlfriends?). Charity is like, “Yeah, so, this crazy bitch, I get home from filming The Bachelorette, and she had messaged me and my family and friends like, a million times, so, maybe she’s not the most reliable source of information?” Charity then urges German Sausage to just talk to A-A-RON, to have that difficult conversation (which they already kinda did? and it only left everyone more confused? but OK?), and they hug it out.

Charity then asks to speak to A-A-RON, and he explains that he did not expect his ex to behave this way, and that when he found out she was reaching out to Charity and her family, he was furious. He insists that he and this woman broke up in August (or was it October? December? January? unclear), that their relationship was toxic and he was done with it by the time he came on the show.

Charity is like, “A-A-RON, I’m not worried about when you were dating who, I have a man. What you need to worry about is German Sausage. You came on this show for a commitment, so commit.” Charity assures A-A-RON that she’s rooting for him and German Sausage, and orders him to make it work.

To that end, A-A-RON asks to speak to German Sausage, and he explains that he learned about his ex saying “untrue” things about him when he returned home after filming the show. However, he insists he wouldn’t be on Paradise if the things she had said about him were true. He promises to be transparent with her and hold himself accountable. German Sausage admits she’s nervous, asks to sleep on it, and he happily agrees.

And that’s all fine if this is good enough for you, German Sausage, but I’m still going to require some clarification on his timeline.

Charity leaves, A-A-RON asks for a glass of Pinot Noir, and … wait … hold up … is Big Toe a fan of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?

Elsewhere, Julia Roberts is being REALLY aggressive in her pursuit of Deep Dive — I’m not going to even go into all of her talk about wanting his tongue in her mouth because Jesus Christ, enough already — and Big Toe, to her credit, is being comparatively mature about the whole thing, keeping back and allowing them to talk without interrupting them.

However, Julia Roberts is clearly doing her best to get under Big Toe’s skin, choosing of all the places on the beach where she could chat with Deep Dive the one area directly in front of Big Toe. Big Toe, Towelie, A-A-RON, and German Sausage just stare at Julia Roberts and Deep Dive incredulously, Big Toe completely astonished at how disrespectful Julia Roberts is being. “MEXICO IS HUGE! GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!”

As for this Very Important Conversation that Julia Roberts just has to have with Deep Dive directly in front of Big Toe, it is about her foot tattoo.

Meanwhile, back at the bar, All-4-Wells points out that Julia Roberts has been pursuing everyone: first, it was Dangly Earrings, then Towelie, now Deep Dive. If you’re not being pursued by Julia Roberts, there’s clearly something wrong with you.

The next morning, A-A-RON sends German Sausage her favorite breakfast with a sweet little note up to the Barbie Dream House, and all appears to be forgiven.

That night is another rose ceremony: one in which the men are giving out the roses, and three women are expected to go home. As Jesse Palmer greets the group in the Breakup Palapa, he delivers some important news:

That business out of the way, Jesse Palmer dismisses them to the beach and some booze and making out before the rose ceremony.

In terms of safe roses, we have Bullhorn and Junior; Henry the Pig’s Mom and Boardwalk Carny (despite that kiss with Glitter Bomb that I guess we are just not going to talk about??); German Sausage and A-A-RON who tells her that he’s falling in love with her that night; Arrow Girl and Dangly Earrings; and Canada Sam and Pilot Peter, Jr. because literally no one else wants them.

The women who are currently the most in danger at this rose ceremony are: Big Toe, thanks to Julia Roberts’ pursuit of Deep Dive; Glitter Bomb thanks to her wanting to make out with Boardwalk Carny; Bachelorette Rachel thanks to Dangly Earrings ditching her for Arrow Girl; Belchmeister and Baby Nurse, just because they are late to the game.

I was surprised to see that Belchmeister was anxious about getting a rose because I assumed Towelie was all about her following their date, but apparently not? And he’s being labeled the “Bachelor” of the night, the one that all the available women are throwing themselves at, including Bachelorette Rachel.

As for Glitter Bomb, she and Grizzly Adams finally have a talk, and she admits that she missed him when he was on his date with Baby Nurse. Specifically, she missed his compliments of her — which is not really the same thing as missing him? It’s more about missing him servicing her ego? There is no mention of how Boardwalk Carny kept her company, by the way. Grizzly Adams, for his part, tells her that he kept thinking about her while he was on his date, and that she is the only person that he is interested in there.

So that’s settled.

For now.

The big conflict that has been coming to a head, though, is Julia Roberts vs. Big Toe. Big Toe explains that she genuinely really likes Deep Dive, unlike Julia Roberts who is just using him for a rose. And Deep Dive, he insists that Big Toe is so easy to talk to and recognizes that they get along really well. That said, Julia Roberts is showing a side of herself to him that he has not seen before, and he did come to Paradise to “get to know everybody.”

At some point that night, All-4-Wells checks the Truth Box and finds a message for Deep Dive: “Meet me at the hot tub at midnight. XOXO.”

 

Deep Dive hustles over to the hot tub where he obviously finds Julia Roberts waiting for him. There, he tells her that she’s caught his attention and that he can see himself with her outside of Paradise. She asks if he wants to kiss her, and he tells her he’s wanted to for three days now.

They make out, and she finally gets that tongue in her mouth, so hopefully she will QUIT TALKING ABOUT IT.

Someone gives Big Toe a heads-up about what is going on in the hot tub, and Big Toe is pissed. She confronts Julia Roberts on the beach, telling her that while she and Deep Dive are welcome to talk to each other, they’re both grown adults, Julia Roberts has been disrespectful about the way she’s gone about pursuing Deep Dive. Julia Roberts can’t call herself a “girl’s girl” and then go behind her back that way, and Julia Roberts should have come to her and told her she was interested in Deep Dive. Additionally, Big Toe wants Julia Roberts to be acting with intention because Deep Dive is a stand-up guy who does not deserve to be used for a rose.

Julia Roberts counters that Big Toe isn’t one of her “girls” and therefore has no obligation to her. Furthermore, Julia Roberts adds, Big Toe hasn’t been particularly respectful to anyone else, so. Big Toe is like, “Excuse me? Name one instance.” But Julia Roberts can’t refuses to do so, insisting that she doesn’t have to explain herself. So, throwing up a dismissive hand in Julia Roberts’ face, Big Toe tells her once again to move with intention and storms off.

Julia Roberts is OUTRAGED that Big Toe put her hand in her face that way, calling Big Toe “reactive, and toxic” and goes to tattle to the other Paradisers that Big Toe PUT HER HAND IN HER FACE.

Meanwhile, Big Toe goes to the bar where she worries to Dangly Earrings that Julia Roberts is going to just use Deep Dive and that he deserves better than Julia Roberts. Dangly Earrings assures Big Toe that she is a good person with a good heart.

And then it’s Rose Ceremony time … except, Arrow Girl is nowhere to be found.

Jesse Palmer leaves the Breakup Palapa to find her, and once he does, he’s like “The fuck?” Arrow Girl basically says that she has “a lot of doubt” about her relationship with Dangly Earrings, and would like to go home now, please and thank you.

And so she does.

Jesse Palmer returns and breaks the news to the group who are all like, “OH SHIT!” and “WHO?”

Time to start passing out roses:

Junior: Bullhorn
Boardwalk Carny: Henry the Pig’s Mom
Pilot Peter, Jr.: Canada Sam
A-A-RON: German Sausage
Grizzly Adams: Glitter Bomb
Towelie: Bachelorette Rachel
Deep Dive: Julia Roberts
Dangly Earrings:  … Big Toe

Which means we must also say goodbye to Baby Nurse and Belchmeister. It sucks to be the late arrivals, ladies.

The next morning, the petty high that Big Toe was enjoying after having been saved by Dangly Earrings to Julia Roberts’ immense irritation, it’s worn off, and now she’s just bummed about being dumped by Deep Dive, and moping around Paradise.

Elsewhere on the beach, Boardwalk Carny is telling Henry the Pig’s Mom that he’s all in on her, and the biggest thing to him is honesty and transparency.

OH REALLY? HAVE YOU BEEN HONEST WITH HER ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOU AND GLITTER BOMB? WELL?

Anyway, Julia Roberts is still yammering about how rude Big Toe was to her with the whole hand-in-the-face thing, and she’s still yammering about Deep Dive’s tongue, and my God, that’s enough.

Deep Dive, for his part, feels like he owes Big Toe a conversation (that he certainly owed her the night before, but clearly thought he could get away with not having once she was eliminated). There, he tells her that he should have talked to her after he made out with Julia Roberts, that he disrespected her, and he wants to say he’s sorry. Big Toe corrects him: he wants to clear his conscience. He adds that she deserved better and she agrees with him.

Big Toe warns him again about Julia Roberts: Deep Dive is a stand-up guy; Julia Roberts is a different person with each man and was just looking for a rose. Deep Dive weakly argues back before shutting down the conversation by saying that he feels terrible about the way he handled things. “Oh well,” says Big Toe.

As for what Big Toe will do now … there are no available men for her to pursue (I mean, there’s Dangly Earrings, but that’s clearly not happening). So cue the next Paradise entry: Michael, or “Cap’n Chicago” as I called him because he is the captain of a boat in … you guessed it … Chicago.

Cap’n Chicago = Michael (Charity’s season)

Cap’n Chicago enters to great cheers from his fellow Charity season members, and the keen interest of the women, especially Big Toe. After introducing himself and reading his date card, to everyone’s great relief, Cap’n Chicago asks Big Toe to go chat. He’s very polite, offering her his sandals when she complains about the heat of the sand on her bare feet, and is just is very charming in general as they bond over Rochester, New York (it’s too boring to get into, trust).

And it starts to look as though our girl might have a chance at finding a connection after all!

Except.

Then he asks to speak to Bullhorn.

And then Henry the Pig’s Mom.

And then Bachelorette Rachel.

And then the episode ends. So who knows where this is headed.

(My money, based on the conversation she had with Boardwalk Carny, is on Cap’n Chicago asking Henry the Pig’s Mom on the date. But we’ll have to wait and see.)

Bachelor in Paradise airs Thursdays on ABC at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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