‘The Bachelor’: The cruelty was always the point.

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 27

The Bachelor
March 27, 2023

We begin this train wreck of a finale in the Bachelor Studio where Jesse Palmer urges us to “buckle up” because while we may think we know how it’s going to end (with Zach proposing to Austin Nurse) we don’t actually know, nobody does, this is a live show and anything can happen. OK, but Zach’s going to propose to the woman we all expect him to propose to, right? Because I guarantee that if he didn’t propose to the frontrunner, ABC’s promo department would have been screaming bloody murder for the past week, possibly month, and there would be A LOT of carrying on about how this is THE MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR FINALE EVER.

But before we get to the inevitable ending to all of this, Jesse Palmer wants to backtrack and discuss Fantasy Suites Week, where, hilariously, Zach took a NO SEX pledge, only to break said pledge with Maple Syrup, and then immediately confess to Austin Nurse, who had no idea he had taken a NO SEX pledge in the first place.

But what about the first woman he did not have sex with, Bored? Jesse Palmer brings our New York City queen out for one last conversation. Bored looks pissed, and begins by explaining that she really did care about Zach and that he was the first person she introduced her family to in years.

Jesse Palmer compliments her on her composure upon being dumped, and Bored is like, “Yeah, that’s because I shut down emotionally, Jesse Palmer. I didn’t really process what was happening until I flew home.”

Jesse Palmer then asks her about the NO SEX pledge and she’s all, “Yeah, so, I wish this dingdong had a conversation with me before just declaring that, because he would have found that we were on the same page and he would have saved himself a lot of trouble.” Jesse Palmer then asks her how she felt about Zach breaking his own vow with Maple Syrup, and Bored is like, “Well, I was pretty hurt, since I found out along with everyone else when the episode aired.”

WAIT. STOP. HOLD UP. WHAT?

So I guess this makes me stupid, but I assumed because this man was going ON and ON and ON about how he needed to be completely honest and not start a relationship based on a secret that he must have also told Bored about Maple Syrup. Sure, they didn’t actually show that conversation take place, but my dumb ass assumed that was an editorial decision, that they just didn’t have enough time in the 2-hour episode to get to it.

And so when I saw this tweet from former Bachelor Bob that he sent while watching Fantasy Suites, I was like, “well, I mean, he obviously told Bored, too, sometime before the rose ceremony, because it wouldn’t be fair to her if he hadn’t.”

WRONG.

@afrenkel1

🤷🏻‍♀️ #thebachelor

♬ original sound – Harrison

And that, friends, is the biggest clue that Zach always planned on proposing to Austin Nurse: he knew that his sleeping with Maple Syrup would have no impact on his relationship with Bored, because he was always planning on dumping Bored. Austin Nurse, though, she was going to see this after he had proposed to her, so it was imperative he be honest with her before that happened.

ANYWAY. They bring this lying liar out to join Bored on the couch, and she immediately roasts him, saying that he clearly just came off another 30-minute shower scene.

Make this woman the Bachelorette. I don’t mean they should fire Charity; but instead of another season of The Bachelor, just give Bored a season of The Bachelorette next January.

Bored then demands to know why he didn’t afford her the same respect he gave Austin Nurse and tell her the truth about what happened with Maple Syrup. Bored refers to their relationship as an “open” one which is really interesting, and I think a very healthy way for anyone on these shows to think about their relationship with The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Open relationships can work for some people, but only if they are based on rules, respect, and honesty. And Zach, he broke all of those conditions.

Zach, clearly having been coached by someone to just roll over, show his belly, and apologize to anyone who confronts him during this finale, says that he’s deeply regretful for what he did that week and that he was “going through a lot emotionally.” He agrees that he owes her an apology for allowing her to find out about Maple Syrup along with the rest of the world.

Bored scolds him that by saying he was taking sex off the table he actually made the entire week about sex, and that he made executive decisions about something that affected her, too. By making that blanket declaration about NO SEX, he took away her agency, and if he had actually discussed this with her, instead of dictating it, he would have found out that she didn’t want to be having sex with his Tommy Bahama ass, either.

Zach agrees it was selfish and one-sided and he owed her a conversation. Bored is still irritated that he didn’t bother to tell her anything when he had ample opportunities, but that in the end she’s just mostly disappointed in him and hopes he’s learned something from this experience.

She’s just great. How on earth did she end up on this garbage show?

@afrenkel1

Not anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️ #fyp #dating #thebachelor #zachshallcross

♬ Love You So – The King Khan & BBQ Show

As for the final two women, we return to Thailand so that Zach can introduce Austin Nurse and Maple Syrup to his parents and two skeptical sisters.

First, obviously, Zach has to take another shower.

Fully sanitized, Zach first visits with his family, and tells them a little about his
“journey” so far, and how the Fantasy Suites Week was the most difficult yet. “WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT,” his mother thankfully asserts.

None of us do, ma’am.

Zach speaks in generalities but does admit that he caused “turmoil” and that in trying to do the right thing, he messed everything up. That said, he’s excited for his family to meet the final two. First up will be Maple Syrup.

Zach goes outside to meet Maple Syrup who asks to speak to him before they go inside: she wants to clear some things up before she meets his family. Maple Syrup points out that Zach was really negative at the last rose ceremony, talking about making mistakes and feeling like a failure, and she needs to know if he regrets sleeping with her. Zach insists that he doesn’t regret anything that happened between the two of them. What he meant was that he came up with some weird idea about the right way to find love and that this is what messed everything up, it had nothing to do with them.

Maple Syrup is not convinced.

Maple Syrup tells Zach that she feels like an accessory in a crime, but Zach insists that he wouldn’t take anything back because it opened his eyes, and made him realize that he is falling in love. With that, Maple Syrup is ready to meet the parents.

After meeting them as a group and assuring them that her parents think this whole thing is a little strange, too, Maple Syrup chats with Zach’s father alone. She tells him that she believes relationships are forged during difficult times, not during fairy tale dates, and he reveals to her that Zach was deathly ill as a baby and it brought him closer to his wife. This is news to Maple Syrup — which is interesting because Zach definitely shared this with at least one other woman this season. It seems like a story you might, I don’t know, want to share with someone you were thinking about marrying?

Zach and his mother, meanwhile, talk about how he and Maple Syrup have similar beliefs, and how he feels like she fully supports him. He also claimed he could see himself getting down on one knee with her. Maybe! Who knows! (He will not, he can not.)

Maple Syrup also chats with the sisters who tell her that they had reservations about him going on The Bachelorette and doing this show, and she assures them that she feels very strongly for their brother.

As Zach walks Maple Syrup out, she tells him that she realizes that she is in love with him. He does not return the sentiment but does tell her that it “feels good to hear that.”

Next, Zach introduces his family to Austin Nurse. After small talk, Zach’s mother and Austin Nurse chat with one another. Mom asks Austin Nurse how her adventure with Zach has been, and Austin Nurse admits that it hasn’t been the smoothest ride, what with the whole 30 other women thing and all. Mom asks her how she processed all that, and Austin Nurse begins crying, admitting that it’s not normal and she just wants to be on the other side of this. GIRL, WE ALL DO.

Austin Nurse also cries at Zach’s sisters, saying that if she isn’t the one he chooses, it will be heartbreaking and ‘very tough.’ She adds that she is excited to potentially be a part of their family, and they eat it up with a spoon.

Austin Nurse also talks with Dad, who tells her that he wants Zach to be with someone who is his “best friend.” He also discusses the whole philosophy of relationships being forged in hard times, and GUESS WHAT? Austin Nurse starts crying, thinking about how he might be the father figure she has been looking for her entire life.

With that, Zach walks her outside and she professes her love to him.

Zach:

And now we have to get through the final dates.

Austin Nurse has the first date. She meets him and his dumb Hawaiian-print shirt out in the middle of some jungle. After complimenting his shirt (you know what? maybe y’all are right for each other), they splash around in some waterfalls while Austin Nurse burbles about her insecurities in their relationship.

That night in her hotel room, she and Zach talk more … in the most roundabout way possible … about what happened the week before, and, to Austin Nurse’s immense credit, she says that Maple Syrup is an incredible person and she doesn’t know how Zach will be able to make his decision. She expresses her worries and fears, and he’s like, “Yep.”

As for his date with Maple Syrup, they meet in the jungle, where they saddle up on a pair of horses. It’s Zach’s first time on a horse, and it shows.

They ride down to the beach where they have a picnic set out for them. They splash around in the water and make out and drink champagne, and it’s all fungoodtimes until Zach starts talking about how he hasn’t made his decision yet. Maple Syrup, who has had JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS MAN’S BULLSHIT, says in an interview that he needs to MAKE A FUCKING DECISION.

That night, Maple Syrup admits that she hoped that by now Zach would know what he was going to do and that his heart would have led him in one direction or the other. Maple Syrup adds that it’s terrifying to think about not being the one he chooses and he acknowledges that it is hard for her. He insists that he’s trying to figure it out, and wants her to know that he’s taking this Very Seriously.

Maple Syrup says that this does nothing to alleviate her fears.

Zach:

Back in the Bachelor Studio, Jesse Palmer talks to Sean and Catherine Lowe and I could not possibly care less. ONE SUCCESSFUL COUPLE OUT OF 26 IS NOT A GREAT TRACK RECORD, GUYS.

Finally, it’s breakup time.

The ladies get dressed and talk about the potential to leave heartbroken. Meanwhile, Zach picks out an engagement ring with Jesse Palmer’s help, because Neil Lane is OVER IT.

Zach arrives at our proposal platform which is adorned with all the appropriate flowers and ferns and prayer flags and vases — so many vases, all the pottery — and waits for the lady who has the misfortune to arrive first and be dumped.

The van arrives, and out steps … Maple Syrup. As she steps out of the van, she places her foot in a mud puddle. She then turns to an off-screen producer, or perhaps the driver, and says the most heart-breaking thing: “That’s a really muddy spot, y’all shouldn’t pull in there. When it actually matters, when Austin Nurse arrives, don’t do that to her.”

SHE KNOWS IT’S NOT HER. OH NOOOOOOOOOOO.

Oh no. Oh no.

But Maple Syrup, relying on that last molecule of hope that it might be her, it could be her, she walks down that impossibly long path down to the beach where it is decidedly low tide — which, in and of itself was indication that this was not going to be the Big Romantic Proposal of the day because no one proposes in the middle of a giant, smelly mud field.

But she climbs up on that platform where Zach is waiting for her, and he begins his spiel: what a journey! wild times! started as strangers now falling in love! London was cool, amirite?!

But.

And there it is. She doesn’t need to hear any more to know she’s about to be dumped, and, in fact, she stops him. She doesn’t want to hear it. Zach continues, telling her that she deserves a man who puts her first, which, considering all of the times she told him about her insecurities about being second best, is a particularly cruel knife to twist on your way out the door. Maple Syrup tells him that she knew this was coming, but Zach, he insists that he only made up his mind the night before.

REMEMBER THAT FOR LATER.

Maple Syrup assures him that she’ll be fine and that Austin Nurse is a really special woman before wishing him good luck. He apologizes again and again, but she’s like, “SAVE IT.” He walks her to the You’ve Been Dumped Van and he promises that he’ll never forget her.

OH I SHOULD HOPE NOT, SIR.

In the car, she cries over how humiliating all that was, that she has been strung along this entire time … and for what? She explains that she knew that she wasn’t going to be the one, and she should have trusted her gut.

Always — always — trust your gut, ladies.

Back in the Bachelor Studio, Maple Syrup joins Jesse Palmer on the couch, where he thanks her for being thre: he knows how difficult this is for her. Maple Syrup says that watching it back now is, somehow, worse than living through the breakup itself.

Maple Syrup then helpfully explains that proposal day is a long, hard slog. You’re doing interviews, you’re getting dolled up, you are hurrying up and waiting, and all the while you are filled with anxiety and dread. It’s a terrible day. And the fact that someone who claimed to love her would make her go through all of that, all the while knowing that he was going to humiliate and dump her — it’s unforgivable.

Again, she’s not wrong. But, as it has always been with this show, the cruelty and heartbreak is the point. The philosophy behind The Bachelor is that a proposal, the happy ending, just isn’t as sweet without someone else flying home in tears.

She also discusses the Fantasy Suite mess. That week was full of emotions for Maple Syrup: happy, sad, scared, anxious, and she was feeling particularly vulnerable. That night they were together, they talked about a number of things that were important to both of them, including mental and emotional health, and her insecurities. She felt supported and protected by Zach, and very much in love. And so it feels incredibly violating that the entire country knows what happened in this moment that was supposed to be just between them.

Finally, Zach comes out. Maple Syrup tells him that watching herself be dumped brought up a lot of feelings she didn’t know she had: she’s sad, hurt, and doesn’t know where to begin, honestly.

So Jesse Palmer helps: what was the most painful part of Zach discussing in public what happened between them privately?

Maple Syrup tells Zach that he was so supportive, that she felt protected by him at that moment, especially after she had been so emotional that afternoon. And that night, after they talked and connected, they made the decision jointly to be together, and it was supposed to be just between them. In fact, she remembers that night while brushing her teeth, he came up behind her, kissed the back of her head, and said, “this is just between us.”

I KNOW A BITCH DID NOT.

Oh, now I’m ready to THROW HANDS.

 

 

OH BUT WAIT BECAUSE IT GETS WORSE. Maple Syrup talks about how blindsided she was when he came to her hotel room to tell her that he was going to be honest about what happened between them. What she did not know until she watched it back was that he was going to be specific that it was her, that he was going to use her name. She feels deeply ashamed, most of all because she thought this was a moment of love, and he used it for a TV narrative.

HOW DARE THIS MAN.

Jesse Palmer notes that there’s not a lot of time left for Zach to respond, but he can try if he’d like. Zach acknowledges that he done fucked up, and that there is nothing he can do to right this particular wrong. He recognizes from the bottom of his heart that his actions have consequences and he’s sorry.

With that, Jesse Palmer tells Maple Syrup that she’s an incredible person and he wishes her good luck on her journey to find love. OH SAVE IT, JESSE PALMER.

Back in Thailand, Austin Nurse arrives for the big proposal, and we know it is going to happen this time because the tide has rolled in:

Austin Nurse says a bunch of words at him about experiencing a “big love” that she’s only ever read about or seen in movies, and how he has brought her walls down. If it’s not him, it’s not anyone.

HONEY, DON’T SELL YOURSELF SO SHORT.

Zach then says a bunch of words about following his heart, and how he can no longer say that he’s falling in love with her … because he is in love with her. He proposes, she says yes, he offers the last rose, she accepts, you know how this goes.

Rose #1: Austin Nurse

Back at the Bachelor Studio, Jesse Palmer brings Zach and Austin Nurse out and they blah blah blah about being happy to finally be public and their plans to live in Austin together (apparently, right before filming began, Zach had moved back to California? Oh … wait … who cares).

Jesse Palmer then asks something interesting: when did Zach know it was Austin Nurse? And this man right here, after having told Maple Syrup that he hadn’t made up his mind until the night before the proposal, he says he decided it was Austin Nurse on their last chance date.

LET’S GO BACK OVER THE TIMELINE SHALL WE?

Day One: Zach introduces Maple Syrup to his parents.

Day Two: Zach introduces Austin Nurse to his parents.

Day Three: Zach goes on the last chance date with Austin Nurse.

Day Four: Zach goes on the last chance date with Maple Syrup.

Day Five: Dumping/proposal.

So … he lied. He just lied.


And you know what? That’s enough. I don’t care about jokes about showers, or plans to get married in 2025. I wish Austin Nurse the best — she seems nice — but I never want to see this man on my TV again. That’s enough of him, that’s enough of this season, that’s enough of this franchise. For now.

Momma needs a long nap; wake me up when it’s Charity’s turn.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here is the woman who at least at the moment is planning on marrying this liar Zach:

The Bachelor streams on Hulu. The Bachelorette will return on ABC on June 26.

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