‘The Bachelorette’: The single worst ‘Men Tell All’ special of all time and that is really saying something, y’all.

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 19

TheGod-forsakene
“The Men Tell All”
August 29, 2022

I have been writing about these God forsaken shows for … OHMYGOD, MORE THAN A DECADE NOW …

… hang on …

… I need to go lie down …

…

…

 

As I was saying. I have been writing about this show for over ten years now, and so you need to believe me when I say that this particular “Men Tell All” special is, hands down, without question, no doubt about it, the single worst Bachelor or Bachelorette reunion that has ever been committed to film. (Or digital or whatever.)

These reunions are always bad television: there’s so much yelling by people you don’t remember, dumb stunts, blooper reels, and people in the audience waving around signs that they obviously did not bring themselves. It’s a huge waste of everyone’s time and nothing ever actually happens.

AND YET. SOMEHOW. The Producers managed to make what is already an insufferable two hours feel like torture that would be outlawed at Guantanamo.

The math of this episode is incredible — and I’m not exaggerating this, I went back and counted:

The episode is one hour and 24 minutes long.

We spend:

3 minutes on an intro.

14 minutes on Rachel’s final Dreaded Hometown date with Junior.

20 minutes on Men Tell All.

3 minutes promoting Virgin Voyages cruise lines and their app (?).

9 minutes on Men Tell All.

5 minutes promoting Bachelor in Paradise.

10 minutes on Men Tell All.

4 minutes of bloopers.

10 minutes promoting Billy Eichner’s new movie.

4 minutes promoting the last episodes of the season.

2 minutes of wrap-up.

So, out of 84 minutes of men telling all, we actually have 39 minutes of “Men Tell All.” We spend 13 minutes promoting outside shit, and another 9 minutes promoting Bachelor-related programming.

What is this? WHY ARE WE WASTING OUR TIME WITH THIS GARBAGE?

And look, I am two episodes behind already, so we are going to make this speedy. NOT THAT YOU’RE MISSING ANYTHING IN THIS EPISODE, IT’S ALL TRASH.

We begin with the leftover date from the Dreaded Hometowns:

Dreaded Hometown #7: Junior and Rachel in Salem, Massachussetts

We still have Junior’s Dreaded Hometown to slog through, and Rachel is straight-up SCRRRRD, because Junior has already warned her that his parents don’t like any of his girlfriends, and also because she just narrowly survived this:

Junior takes Rachel to a magic shop run by a woman with the most hilarious Massachusetts accent I have ever heard, and maybe it’s just me being an asshole, but it’s hard to take a witch seriously when she’s out here calling people “youse guys.”

After giving them a quick reading (Junior needs to remember that his words are his power and open up more; Rachel needs clarity and to follow her instincts) our witch performs a quick love spell for them before knocking over the entire table, sending all of her crystals and candles and magic orbs crashing to the ground.

And on that note, the pair head to dinner with Junior’s divorced parents, who have not been in the same room together since his college graduation. Fun!

After some small talk about the “journey” so far, Junior’s skeptical father speaks with Rachel alone, asking her “tough” questions like, “What attracts you to Junior?” and “Do you think this can work in the real world?” and “You know this is supposed to end in an engagement, right?” Rachel, who has already answered some version of all of these questions some twice before (and three times, if you count her time with that dingus Clayton) gives overly broad, generic answers, and Dad is somehow satisfied.

Rachel then speaks with Junior’s mother who is a softer touch, and tells Rachel she can tell how much she means to her son.

Meanwhile, Junior talks to his father, who after reminding him of the engagement thing, tells him that he hopes it works out and that they welcome Rachel to the family. So that went surprisingly well despite the witch’s best efforts to curse them.

Finally, Junior tells Rachel that he’s falling in love with her, and she seems delighted, adding in an interview that she might be falling for him, too. 

We return to the Bachelor Studio where Jesse Palmer is literally: “So then, Rachel and Gabby gave all three men roses, we’re not going to show it because we have to save time for Billy Eichner to promote his movie and to advertise Virgin Voyages’s champagne app we still have to get to the Men Tell All. But y’all know what rose ceremonies look like, don’t worry about it.”

Yeah, Bob, that’s literally what I’m telling you.

We then move straight into the “Men Tell All” portion of the evening, and only 14 guys bother to show up:

GOB (who has unfortunately bleached his hair making him virtually unrecognizable; Beats by Dre; Mic Drop; Discount Fabio; Mario Andretti; Choir Leader; Dry Spell; Turtle; Mr. Thoughtful; Awkward Kiss; Meatball; Chick Magnet; Boardwalk Carny; and Girl Dad.

These doofuses:

We do the montage, and Jesse Palmer asks the men how they figured out which woman to pursue. After some bland answers about connections or people claiming they came on the show knowing exactly who they wanted to pursue, GOB over here, he starts getting mouthy with some of the men over their behavior as though he had more than 4 minutes of screen time.

Jesse Palmer then asks the three men who rejected Rachel’s roses at that one rose ceremony WHAT on EARTH were they thinking? Mic Drop argues that he was being authentic, unlike Meatball over there, who managed to both reject Rachel and still somehow get a second chance from her.

GOB pipes up again, arguing that Meatball shouldn’t have accepted Rachel’s rose if he was more into Gabby, and Turtle tells him that’s enough: there was a reason GOB was only in the house for four hours, and he should have some respect for the men who actually had a chance with the women.

Jesse Palmer points out that the two most controversial men on the season: Tone Deaf and Southern Grocery Joe didn’t bother to show up. And honestly, why would they? Unless they have a promise of Paradise dangling in front of them, there is absolutely no benefit to attending the Men Tell All after you have made a damn fool of yourself by calling the women “females,” bullying the other contestants, talking about Fantasy Suites on day two, calling the women “bitches,” comparing them unfavorably to your ex-girlfriend, saying that one is “rough around the edges,” and abandoning your dying dog while stealing his favorite toy. We all know exactly how this “Men Tell All” would go for both of these assholes.

One ass who did show up — and was rewarded with a spot in Paradise for it — is Chick Magnet, who famously changed from Team Rachel to Team Gabby while on the cruise ship and then promptly caught COVID and went home.

Chick Magnet has managed to alienate everyone: The men on Team Rachel are pissed at him for getting their date in Brugges canceled; the men on Team Gabby are pissed at him for taking their time away from Gabby.

And not to defend Chick Magnet, because what he did was shitty to both Rachel and the other dudes, but the truth is, if you’re sitting in the Men Tell All panel? you were always going to go home before the final three. Nothing anyone else did or didn’t do was going to save you, calm down.

Once in the famous “hot seat,” Chick Magnet’s defense boils down to: I wanted to handle the situation more delicately, I never had a good chance to talk to Rachel before the rose ceremony, it was worth it because I might have found my wife, but yeah, I done fucked up.

And that’s it. There are no hard follow-up questions, and we don’t even touch upon the fact that he supposedly left because of a positive COVID diagnosis, he’s just absolved of his sins by the Bachelor producers so that they can send him into Paradise without the stigma of being a villain.

Then we spend a good five minutes shilling an app on Virgin Voyages cruises.

Next up is Girl Dad who everyone loved — until Reality Steve ruined his life — but we’ll get to that. They play a montage of his relationship with Gabby, including her dumping his ass in Amsterdam, and he becomes quite emotional, tearing up on the “hot seat.”

Girl Dad talks about how much he respects Gabby, and that he can’t be mad at her for dumping him out of fear that she would be a bad mother. But, he adds, she is thoughtful, nurturing, and compassionate: all things that would make her the best mom. Girl Dad insists that there are no hard feelings between them, and then burbles about his daughter for a bit.

Jesse Palmer brings up the “social media rumors” — read: Reality Steve scoop — that Girl Dad kept the existence of his daughter a secret from a woman he dated for a year and a half. Girl Dad’s excuse is that he went through a traumatic divorce and his priority was to protect his daughter from his unstable relationships.

And I get it. But the move here is to tell the person you are dating — however casually — that you have a child and that you’re not ready to introduce them; not to just outright lie about the existence of said child. Especially to someone you’ve been dating for 18 MONTHS. (Although I can also see a sitcom-like situation where he starts dating this woman casually, doesn’t tell her about the kid because they’re dating casually, and then he looks up and it’s been 10 months and now it’s too late to bring up the kid because they’ve been dating FOR 10 MONTHS HOW DO YOU NOT MENTION THAT YOU’RE A FATHER, and so now it just has to remain a secret until they break up.)

Oh, and also, Girl Dad was seeing another woman at this same time, and he’s like, “Lol, yeah, my bad.” He insists he’s a different person and that his feelings for Gabby were genuine.

At this point, Choir Leader pipes up, saying that Girl Dad made him a better man just by being around him, which is nice. But it damn well better not be about them setting Girl Dad up to be the next Bachelor.

And with that, they bring Rachel and Gabby out? WAIT, we’re not going to talk to Boardwalk Carny? WAIT WAIT, THEY FILMED A CONVERSATION WITH BOARDWALK CARNY, A MAN WHO WAS DUMPED ON HOMETOWNS, AND THEY DIDN’T AIR IT BUT INSTEAD, WE TALKED ABOUT A CRUISE SHIP APP FOR A FULL FIVE MINUTES?

Jesse Palmer asks the women a bunch of boring questions that elicit a bunch of boring answers about supporting each other and figuring this all out along the way. So very boring.

Jesse Palmer asks them about their respective First Impression Roses: Bob the Builder and Awkward Kiss. And Awkward Kiss here, he gets pissy with Gabby, saying that it’s unfair that she kept Chick Magnet despite his flip-flopping. He then adds that she did him, Awkward Kiss, “wrong.” But Gabby is not having it and reminds him that he was flirting with both her and Rachel. SHE SAW HIM. WITH HER EYEBALLS.

Also, my dude, she has no obligation to be into you. It is entirely her prerogative to dump your ass at any time for any reason. Cope.

Jesse Palmer then turns to Mario Andretti, whom Rachel surprisingly sent home on that first one-on-one date. She explains that she never wanted to string anyone along, and it was a hard decision, but that she was following her heart. Mario Andretti seems to accept this, says he had a great day that he will remember forever, that he was glad to be a part of her journey, and you can forward his mail to Paradise.

Though Gabby and Rachel aren’t able to confront Southern Grocery Joe, there is one man in attendance they can turn their attention to who also insulted Gabby: Discount Fabio. Gabby asks him what he has to say to her, and Discount Fabio musters up some fake tears while explaining that he had little self-awareness and that he only realized how awful what he said to her was upon watching it back. He’s truly sorry for his actions and he is working on bettering himself.

And with Gabby’s acceptance of his apology firmly in hand, he can walk fully naked into Paradise unburdened.

Rachel confronts Chick Magnet for switching Teams, noting that it hurt. Chick Magnet also apologizes, admitting he could have done it differently. He tried to find the perfect moment to have a private conversation, but he waited too long and the Producers truly fucked him over. He insists that he appreciates both women and that he is trying to do better.

Rachel then makes her own apology to Turtle, Boardwalk Carny, and Meatball for canceling their date in Brugges which was admittedly pretty shitty.

Jesse Palmer asks Rachel to address Boardwalk Carny. She tells him that she knew how important family is to him, and she felt she had to dump him before meeting them, that it was the only kind thing to do. Boardwalk Carny is like, “I appreciate you ripping my heart out of my chest and devouring it on national television, you did the right thing.” And I would say that they are grooming him to be the next Bachelor BUT THEN WHY DIDN’T THEY SHOW HIS INTERVIEW?

Jesse Palmer has Gabby address Girl Dad, and she’s kind: he’s a leader for the men on how to treat women, and it feels good to see him again. He replies that they had a strong friendship and that he appreciated that she gave him a chance. As for how they ended things, he calls it “beautiful.” He ends by telling her that he still “adores” her and if you look closely, you can see her knees go a little weak.

And despite having 30 minutes of show left, that is essentially the end. Sure, we have a few minutes of bloopers — but I don’t write about those. And then we spend a solid 10 minutes promoting Billy Eichner’s new movie before he dumps a jar of marinara over Meatball’s head.

And … that’s it. After a preview of the final episodes, we end this, the single worst Men (or Women) Tell All special I’ve ever been forced to sit through. And that is truly saying something.

I DEMAND MY TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE BACK, SHOW.

Ugh. At least we are nearing the end of this nonsense. Only (checks listings …) 8 MORE HOURS OF THIS TO GO? BRB, I’m going to go find a box winery and drown myself.

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Gabby:

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Rachel:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Gabby:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Rachel:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Gabby and Rachel:

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesdays at 7/8 p.m.

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