‘La Brea’: The one where they steal the idea to end the first season with kids being taken away from their parents

La Brea
“Topanga”
November 30, 2021

Diving into the sinkhole one last time …

We’re going to begin with Lilly and Veronica who apparently just took off for the mountaintop portal on their own instead of waiting for other people or asking someone to come along for safety reasons, or, for that matter, asking which way to go. They’re marching through the woods when Lilly confesses to Veronica that she was put on a mission by Aldridge to give Isaiah a map, promising Lilly that if she did, she would help her be reunited with her family. Veronica is hurt that Lilly wants to leave her behind, and thought that they were going to go to 1988 and start over together. Lilly explains that she’s not going to 1988, and that she misses her family — you know, the one that Veronica and Kidnapping Dude kidnapped her from.

And that’s when Veronica steps on an iron bear trap, which I am going to just have to assume was brought to 10,000 BCE by some time traveler since iron wasn’t first smelted until 5,000 to 3,000 BCE by the Egyptians.

Lilly tries to help Veronica out of the trap, mostly by bashing a big rock on it, but it doesn’t budge. Eventually, Veronica urges her “sister” to leave her and go before the light closes. Lilly promises she will come right back, just as soon as she gives Isaiah this map. (Spoiler alert: It’s take a sec.)

Over in our A plot, Levi and Josh are being held captive by The Old Guy and his goons and Josh is still being a pissy little bitch about Levi and his mom having an affair. NOT NOW YOU STUPID ASSHOLE.

Eve emerges from the bush and turns herself over to The Old Guy and the goon squad, and he’s SUPER PISSED to see that she doesn’t have Isaiah with her. She tries to explain to The Old Guy that if she doesn’t get Isaiah to the light, her children will die, and, ohbytheway, Josh is The Old Guy’s great-grandson.

The Old Guy:

Eve tells him that she knows he’s not from the village and demands to know who he is really, but instead of answering her, he has her tied up with her friends. But it’s OK, she assures Josh and Levi, she has a plan! (A plan which requires all the other characters on the show to somehow know what she did and where to find them without any communication.)

Speaking of, back at Camp C Plot, Aldridge is encouraging anyone who wants to go to 1988 to head towards the mountain. People understandably have questions about how she knows this, and she explains that she and The Old Guy are scientists who are responsible for the sinkholes, and she’s trying to correct their mistakes.

As folks decide amongst them who is going to go to 1988, Ty and Paara arrive and tell them that The Old Guy has abducted Josh and Levi, and that Eve needs their help. So, Dr. Sam and Angry Son and Lady Cop and Riley, and I guess some other people, who cares, head out to save the day, leaving Scott to babysit Aldridge.

Right, so, disobeying Eve, Isaiah did not stay put until Ty and Paara returned, but instead followed her out to the field where his grandfather had set up camp. He’s grabbed by a goon, but before he can be carried off, Dr. Sam attacks the goon with a chokehold.

OK BUT HOW DID THEY KNOW WHERE TO FIND THEM? LIKE, HOW DID THEY KNOW TO GO TO THAT ONE EXACT PLACE IN THE ENTIRETY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TO FIND THEM? I DEMAND BETTER WRITING ANSWERS.

There’s a whole action sequence, again, who cares, the point is, Levi, Eve, and Josh get away, but Josh soon collapses because he’s overwhelmed by Back to the Future disease. Oh, and The Old Guy gets away, so he’s still out there being a threat.

Right, so everyone starts making their way to the portal, but they have to go through a “shortcut” through a cave, which just sounds like a terrific idea.

Along the way, Angry Son and Lady Cop are ambushed by one of The Old Guy’s goons. Lady Cop shoots and kills the goon, but not before she’s stabbed in the side. She encourages the rest of the group to go on without her, she’ll meet them at the portal. Angry Son, who’s over his daddy issues, chooses to stay with her.

She dies moments later. R.I.P. Angry Lady Cop, you were a thinly drawn character with no other purpose than to wave a gun around, give your son a redemption arc that he didn’t earn, and demonstrate to the audience that there are REAL STAKES INVOLVED. You’ll be forgotten by the third episode of the second season.

Ty and Paara split off from the mountain mission to try to find and stop The Old Guy, but also so Ty can dramatically wince in pain from his brain tumor but ultimately decide that he is not going to go to 1988 because he has the hots for Paara.

The mountain group finds the cave shortcut, but inside the cave is a giant tar pit that they have to jump over and onto a rope ladder. The rope ladder is decidedly unstable. Josh goes first, breaking some of the rungs on the way; Isaiah is next; and then Eve follows. And y’all, the rope ladder begins breaking under her weight, but Josh grabs her hand and pulls her up to safety, which, of course, is a call back to the pilot episode.

I would love to know exactly how long the writers patted themselves on the back for this. Was it like five minutes? Or did they come up with this imagery and just take the rest of the day off to celebrate?

Anyway. The rope ladder no longer usable, the rest of the group is like, “I GUESS WE HAVE TO GO THE LONG WAY AROUND. THANKS, EVE.”

Right, so Eve, Isaiah, and Josh are hurrying to the mountain when Josh suddenly collapses. He urges Eve to go without him, which is when The Old Guy pops back up and grabs Isaiah, and shoves Eve to the ground. He tries to hurry off with Isaiah, but Isaiah pulls away just as Eve clobbers the old guy with a branch.

The Old Guy is like, “Fine, but if you put Isaiah through the portal, I’ll kill your son.” But Eve doesn’t have to make a Sophie’s Choice because that’s when Ty and Paara pop up out of nowhere and pull a gun on The Old Guy.

AGAIN. HOW DID THEY KNOW WHERE TO FIND THEM?

As Eve hurries him away, Isaiah tells his grandfather that he loves him, and The Old Guy tells him, “Until we meet again, my boy.”

Finally, Eve and Isaiah make it to the top of the mountain, where Isaiah walks into the portal.

Eve heads back down to Josh who is feeling much better, thank you very much. They are met by Riley and Dr. Sam, who are quickly followed by Lilly. Upon hearing that Isaiah has already gone through the portal, Lilly freaks out and runs up to the top of the mountain, followed by Josh and Riley. By the time they get to the portal, it’s significantly shrunk, and Lilly has a sad. But! Just before the portal closes for good, it has one last poof of energy, and Lily, Josh, and Riley all disappear into the glorious late 1980s.

As for Scott and Aldridge, he asks her what she meant when she said she was “responsible for the sinkhole,” and what’s up with the bar codes on the cow? Aldridge makes him a deal: he helps her get where she needs to go, and she’ll give him all the answers to his questions. Scott is all, “Yes, please.”

And then at the end of the episode, having walked all day, Aldridge brings Scott to some weird tower/monolith. “Someone built that here!” Scott says, stating the fucking obvious, just so Aldridge could smugly respond, “Yes, I did. There’s more you need to see.”

In the present, Gavin, Izzy, Dr. Nathan, and Lilly/Ella realize that Lilly/Ella’s map shows that the Seattle sinkhole is going to open up in downtown Seattle, and that they need to evacuate the city — and they have less than a day to do it.

LOL, OK, SURE.

STORYTIME: In 2005, three weeks after Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans, Hurricane Rita appeared to be making a beeline for Houston. People were understandably freaked out, traumatized by the images of New Orleanians trapped in their houses, and almost everyone in the greater area decided to evacuate. In 2005, there were more than 5.7 million people in the Houston area, and of them, somewhere between 2.5 to 3.7 million got in their cars and tried to leave town. It was a disaster. Traffic was gridlocked, and the drive to Dallas, which typically takes about four hours, took 24-36 hours. In fact, friends of ours who attempted to evacuate sat in their car, unmoving, for nearly 24 hours before giving up and going back home. Between the heat, dehydration, and a catastrophic fire on a nursing home bus, at least 107 people died just trying to leave town. So yeah, call Seattle and tell them they have six hours to evacuate the city, I dare you.

As they load into Gavin’s truck to go meet Agent Markman to try to convince him to evacuate Seattle, Izzy collapses from Back to the Futureitis. But Gavin doesn’t take her immediately to a hospital because he vaguely remembers something about something and something else and anyway, it’ll be fine.

Markman meets them in a parking garage, and Gavin urges him to evacuate the city, but Markman is skeptical and points out that if they’re wrong and he uses all his resources to AND ONCE AGAIN, LET’S THINK ABOUT HOW INSANE THIS IS: EVACUATE CENTRAL SEATTLE IN A MATTER OF HOURS, he’ll lose his job. But Dr. Nathan counters that if they do nothing, people will die.

So then, suddenly, somehow, we’re in Seattle? I swear to God with this fucking show … SO, WE’RE SUDDENLY IN SEATTLE EVACUATING THE PLACE when Lilly/Ella has a vision/memory of Veronica caught in the bear trap, and Izzy recognizes the look on her face as the same as her father’s when he has a vision/memory. Lilly explains that there’s someone that she is close to back in the past who is in trouble.

Markman then checks in, explaining the Seattle area has been evacuated. So when’s this sinkhole going to open? And that’s when Dr. Nathan is all, “WHOOPSIE! The seismic area seems to have shifted and the sinkhole is going to open somewhere else.”

Oooh, lady, you better hope that those people sitting trapped in their cars with their screaming kids on the 5 never find out about this.

They check the map to see if maybe the sinkhole will open somewhere else, but it’s fading? Because it also has Back to the Futuretosis? And Lilly/Ella might not get it to the sinkhole in time? EVEN THOUGH SHE AND GAVIN ARE STANDING RIGHT THERE, SO OF COURSE THEY GET TO THE SINKHOLE IN TIME?

I AM SORRY I AM SCREAMING BUT THIS SHOW IS BREAKING ME.

They decide the sinkhole is actually in some campground, so they all rush there and evacuate it. They hear a loud noise in the woods, and sure enough, there’s a hole? But it’s super tiny compared to the La Brea hole, I suppose because they spent all their sinkhole money to make a big first impression in the pilot. But yeah, I’m sure Markman is really happy they evacuated two different locations for a sinkhole smaller than a shed.

Gavin decides he’s going to leap into the hole to “save” his family and Dr. Nathan points out that they’re 1,200 miles from Los Angeles, so he’ll have quite the walk ahead of him. Gavin doesn’t care though, and neither does Izzy or Lilly/Ella who announce they are going with him. They thank Dr. Nathan and she and Markman wish them luck as they jump into the hole.

God this show is dumb.

Gavin, Izzy, and Lilly/Ella wake up on a beach, wondering if they made it. And that’s when a badly rendered CGI wooly mammoth walks by.

And now, for one last time, I’ll point out all the things that these lazy-ass writers stole from Lost. For instance, the revelation that there is a large, clearly man-made structure in this place where such a thing shouldn’t be:

It’s not exactly the same, but …

And then there’s the big shocking twist at the end: that the characters think they have saved the day when all of a sudden the children are unexpectedly taken away while their parents look on, horrified.

Where have I seen this before …

Oh, La Brea, you lazy piece of shit, never change.

As for where this show goes from here? Who knows, man. But there are plenty of Lost storylines and plot devices left to explore, that’s for sure. I assume The Old Guy is going to actually be someone we already know, based on the fact that when Eve pointedly asks him who he is, and he pointedly doesn’t answer. You add that to all the characters already running around in duplicate forms with different names, and my guess this is going to play out “Ellie/Eloise Hawking”-style where they reveal that Silas is actually Josh trying to prevent his father Isaiah from going into the future where he will father Josh who as a teenager time travels to 10,000 BC before time-traveling into 1988 where he becomes a scientist who invents the time portals in the first place until he realizes this was a grave mistake and returns to 10,000 B.C. with his father as a child in an attempt to keep him from starting this never-ending cycle. Or something dumb like that.

And as for where this blog goes from here? Not back to La Brea, that’s for damn sure. Will I forget to delete the show from my scheduled programming? Yep! Will I allow episodes to build up and be too lazy to erase them for months? Absolutely! Will I eventually break down and watch season two to find out whether or not Josh really is Silas and if that tower is just an elaborate cow bar-coding factory and where the bear trap came from? Probably! Will I write a single word about any of it? ABSOLUTELY NOT. You’re going to have to find some new nonsense show with which to terrorize me, and I look forward to whatever you monsters have in store.

Goodbye, La Brea. And don’t you even THINK about yelling “WE HAVE TO GO BACK!!!” at me.

La Brea airs on NBC and will return in the fall. This hate-blog will not.