Katie, ‘The Vibrator Girl,’ shakes things up as ‘The Bachelorette’

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 17

The Bachelorette
June 7, 2021

It’s been quite the year in so-called “Bachelor Nation.” A pandemic postponed last year’s Bachelorette which ended up featuring two Bachelorettes when the original Bachelorette left early; the first Black Bachelor was cast after the world was rocked by a profound moment in social justice; and Christ Harrison, the long-time original host of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette was removed from The Bachelor after he revealed he was no longer up to the job after defending a racist gesture and being demeaning to the first Black Bachelorette. And just two days ago, Harrison’s passport to “Bachelor Nation” was revoked forever.

But as we begin the first of TWO Bachelorette seasons in 2021, things are starting to feel a little bit normal again. Sure, our Bachelorette is still in lockdown, forced to find romance in the hallways of another empty hotel, but hey! At least the season is premiering in May! And at least as far as I know, she doesn’t up and leave three episodes into the season! Nature is healing.

As for our Bachelorette Number One, Katie Thurston was a contestant in Matt James’ season, and though she didn’t actually get very far romantically with James, she made a huge impression. She arrived on the first night with a light-up dildo and a joke about how it kept her company during the long lockdown. And when the other women tried to attack her over the gesture, she shrugged it off, owning her “sex-positivity.” But then later, as the ladies began bullying certain contestants, Katie called out their Mean Girl behavior. It’s not typical for a contestant who didn’t make it to the final four to become the Bachelor or Bachelorette — Juan Pablo is the only one that comes to mind and he was un desastre — but Katie has proven herself to be an empathetic, outgoing woman who does not take shit off of anyone.

And now we are all caught up for this season. We begin with the traditional “Meet the Bachelorette” package: Katie is from Seattle, she’s a dildo aficionado, and she’s “real.” And we know she’s real because during a photoshoot, she complains about the unnatural pose they are forcing her into as being unnatural.

Katie also tells us that she’s a child of divorce who moved around a lot and who has had a few bad boyfriends. And that’s her sob story which she shares with roughly 50% of all American women.

As for this season, Katie will be finding pandemic love in the most romantic place on earth: an abandoned hotel in Albuquerque.

NOW LISTEN, NEW MEXICANS, I LOVE YOUR STATE. In fact, last year my family and I spent a few weeks in Taos and Santa Fe during the height of the pandemic even though we were explicitly told not to by your state. YOU’RE WELCOME. But you even have to admit that “romance” might not exactly be the first word that you associate with your largest city (that word, obviously, would be “Heisenberg”).

So, Katie arrives at the hotel and apparently the producers thought a good prank would be to tell our new Bachelorette this season they’re going hostless, because she spends her entire prep time — a time when the Bachelor or Bachelorette is at their MOST PANICKED — stressing about having to figure this all out on her own. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to her, former Bachelorettes Tayshia and Kaitlyn are there at the hotel, ready to take over for Chris Harrison. Cool joke, guys.

Tayshia and Kaitlyn introduce the “The Only Men You Have to Pay Attention To” segment:

Connor B. (29; Teacher; Nashville) who is quirky! And you know that because he’s playing a ukelele in the bathtub! And he’s not just a teacher, he’s also an aspiring musician, which probably goes without saying since he lives in Nashville.

Wait, an aspiring musician from Nashville … those haven’t been barred from this show after what happened last time?

Karl (34; Motivational Speaker; Miami) brags about his amazing lifestyle and then shows us a “portrait” that he’s made of himself and Katie and I have to admit, there is NOTHING in this WORLD that I love more than Bachelor contestant art. LOOK AT THIS TERRIFYING MASTERPIECE:

BUT WAIT! WE’RE NOT DONE BECAUSE HE FLIPS IT OVER AND IT IS THE SAME PICTURE, BUT NOW WITH A YELLOW-GREEN BACKGROUND. WHY? AND HOW DO I GET A COPY OF THIS?

My favorite part is how the two people in this image exist in two completely different universes while somehow also being in the same painting. Genius.

Brendan (26; Firefighter Trainee; Toronto) was supposed to be a hockey star, but he decided to be a firefighter instead. Canada is going to Canada.

Andrew S. (26; Pro Football Player; Vienna, Austria/Chicago) has great energy and says he just wants to make Katie laugh and he recites the Bridgerton monologue about “burning for her” and he’s very adorable but I regret to inform you that the quarantine has gotten to him because WHAT THE EVEN FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE:

Mike (31; Gym Owner; San Diego) is our virgin of the season. A 31-year-old virgin. He is over thirty and he has never had sex.

The Bachelor producers:

Justin (26; Investment Sales Consultant; Baltimore) has “investment sales consultant” in his bio, but he spends his segment painting — except unlike SOME contestants, he genuinely has talent.

Tre (26: Software Engineer; Covington, GA) brags about how smart he is, how he knows Latin and pi to the 40th digit, but it’s not off-putting — just charming. Which is hard to pull off, honestly.

Greg (27; Marketing Sales Representative; Edison, NJ) has a strong sincere Cousin Greg from Succession vibe and lots of nieces and nephews and his entire segment is designed to make your ovaries explode.

We then return to poor, alone Katie, standing outside on the hotel driveway, waiting for the first limo to arrive, complaining again that she has no one to help her and she’s going to have to figure this out as she goes along. The producers finally take mercy on her and send Tayshia and Kaitlyn in to surprise her and reveal that they will be her hostesses this season.

Before the limos arrive, the three of them go inside to chat about what she’s looking for: a grown-ass man who is comfortable with a confident woman. Tayshia and Kaitlyn warn her to not write anyone off on the first night, but … she literally has to? She literally has to write several men off in a matter of hours because that’s how this show works?

BUT DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT TOO MUCH, THE LIMOS ARE ARRIVING.

Thomas (28; Real Estate Broker; Poway, CA) opens by talking about his admiration for her … for being the Bachelorette and opening herself up in such a vulnerable way. And while his greeting is nice, it is also vague enough that it is possible he has no idea who she is?

Aaron (26; Insurance Agent; San Diego) claims that people tell him he has a “nice smile.” This is not about you, bro.

Andrew M. (31; Deputy District Attorney; Newport Beach, CA) tells her that he came here for her, and that he’s so excited to meet her. This is how you do it, gentlemen. Good job, Esquire.

David (27; Technical Product Specialist; Nashville) claims to be from New York, despite his bio saying Nashville, SO WHICH IS IT? Also, I know that highwaters are popular with the kidz these days, but this is patently absurd:

Michael (36; Business Owner; Akron, OH) offers Katie an heirloom watch that has “been in my family for 200 years,” before being all, “LOL, J/K, I BOUGHT IT AT THE AIRPORT!” Fun prank, Ashton Kutcher.

Tre (see above) arrives in the back of a pickup truck whose bed is filled with ball pit balls, which he leaps out of, startling her. He explains that he wants to “have a ball with her” and that she’s a “baller Bachelorette.”

When Tayshia and Kaitlyn check in on her, Katie tells them that the men are “all 10s!”

Greg (see above) tells Katie that he’s so happy she’s the Bachelorette, that he’s literally choked up meeting her, and he seems completely sincere. As he enters the house, Katie whispers to herself that he “looks like my ex-boyfriend.”

Gabriel (35, Entrepreneur; Charlotte, NC) shares his “favorite hug” with Katie, and leads her through a breathing exercise. Just so we’re all clear, no one has a “favorite hug.” You can definitely have a “least favorite hug” but a “favorite hug” is not a thing.

John (27; Bartender; Pacific Beach, CA) tells Katie that he feels like he’s dreaming, and as he walks away, she says under her breath that he’s her type a couple of times, at which point he turns around as if he can hear her, and she jokes to herself that she has to play it cool.  She’s awkward and perfect.

As for John, he’s very cute! But also:

Garrett (29; Software Marketing Manager; Salinas, CA) begins our “YOU’RE IN DANGER, BOY” Montage of Men or The Men Who Are So Glossed Over in the Introductions That There’s Nothing For Me to Make Fun Of So You Just Know They Are Going Home Tonight or in the Very Near Future.

Austin (25; Real Estate Investor; Mission Viejo, CA) is also part of this montage …

Marty (25; Dancer; Reno) is too …

Landon (25; Basketball Coach; Dallas) is too.

Karl (see above) is also in the middle of this montage, curiously enough …

Josh (25; IT Consultant; Miami) closes it out, telling her he’s 60% optimistic, 20% excited, and 20% nervous. WELL LOOK WHO CAN MATH.

Andrew S. (see above) arrives in an old-timey car, and introduces himself using a very posh British accent, only to be like “PSYCH! I’m actually from Chicago.”

Brandon (26; Auto Parts Manager; Queens, NY) arrives on a scooter wearing a helmet — which is great, until he takes it off revealing that he is Stephen Baldwin from the 1990s.

Conor C. (28; Former Baseball Player; Costa Mesa, CA) offers her his little league baseball mitt which seems like … a lot for a first meeting? Shouldn’t you save that for your kid or something?

Kyle (26; Technical Recruiter; Fort Lauderdale) says he’s going to be “brief” and reaches into his pants and pulls out a torn pair of underwear, which Katie, instinctively reaches for before pulling her hand back in disgust because absolutely not. This asshole then proceeds to go into the house and while introducing himself to the other men, throwing the underwear into a corner.

Hunter (34; Software Specialist; Houston) has a fish and tells her that he’s a catch. That’s it. That’s the best our Houston representative can come up with.

Jeff (31; Surgical Skin Salesman; Jersey City, NJ) arrives in an RV because he heard he was going to “Albuquerque” and decided to go full Breaking Bad LARP.

James 30; Software Salesman; La Jolla, CA) arrives in a large, gift-wrapped box, and refuses to come out of it to meet her, yelling from inside that she’ll have to talk to him inside to find out what is in the box.

Brendan (see above) tells her he’s honored and excited for her journey. He’s very polite and very Canadian.

Marcus (30; Real Estate Agent; Portland, OR) doesn’t say anything of any interest but looks like an Adrian Grenier impersonator, so he has that going for him. (It’s the eyebrows.)

Mike (see above) tells her that he’s heard she’s a strong woman with a sense of humor and leaves out the whole “and I’m a virgin” thing.

Cody (27; Zipper Sales Manager; San Diego) comes out of the limo with a blow-up sex doll, who he calls Sandy, explaining that she helped him through the past few months. See, because she arrived with a dildo when she came on The Bachelorette?

 

Katie politely laughs but get your own joke, dude. This also begins the “Men Making Bad Sex Puns” portion of the introductions, so brace yourself.

Justin (see above) makes a joke about how during the lockdown he just “stroked and stroked and stroked” before pulling out a paintbrush.

Christian (26; Real Estate Agent; Boston) in a HEAVY Boston accent, presents a genie lamp and suggests that they “rub one out together.”

Quartney (26; Nutrition Entrepreneur; Dallas) tells her that she looks beautiful, and then, and I quote: “no less than a queen, getting to meet you was worth the quarantine. Katie, I’m looking forward to this quest to spend some quality time together. I feel like this moment was right on cue. Not to sound quirky but my name is Quartney with a Q. So now that we are acquainted, I just want to say that I hope you come … to the right conclusion at the end of this. I know there are going to be a lot of hard decisions to make. But my tongue could go on for hours, so enjoy this and let’s have a great time.”

Points deducted for not including a QAnon reference. IT WAS RIGHT THERE.

 

Connor B. (see above) shows up in a cat costume and makes a bunch of cat puns because he heard she’s a “cat lady.”

And that’s it. Those are the guys. Katie checks in with Tayshia and Kaitlyn and tells them that she’s “focused on” the cat dude, and oh, honey, no.

The Box is also rolled inside and the other men are like, “the Hell?” but they give him a drink through his little box hole and cross their fingers that this is another Jeff Felt situation:

THE BACHELORETTE – The seventh edition of “The Bachelorette” will premiere MONDAY, MAY 23 (9:00-11:00 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Katie goes inside to greet the men and toast them, and warn them to be themselves — you know, the same ol’ Bachelor/Bachelorette platitudes you’ve literally heard over 40 times.

Katie first visits with Accent Guy and tells him she was skeptical of the accent because of the whole pandemic thing, and she didn’t really think someone would come all the way over from the U.K. to be on a dating. She joins him with her own terrible accent and he calls it “perfect.”

Katie has a boring conversation with that Thomas guy, the first one out of the limo; she also has a boring conversation with Highwaters; a boring conversation with Bahstan about his cah keys; and a boring conversation about crystals with the guy with the mysterious earring that disappeared from his official portrait for the show between the time it was taken and when it was posted on ABC.com.

Katie then chats with Cousin Greg about his nieces and nephews, and he presents her a macaroni necklace that his niece supposedly made for her, which he assures Katie is not “real gold, it’s just pasta.” OH COUSIN GREG, DON’T YOU KNOW THAT PASTA IS REAL GOLD? He reiterates that family is the most important thing to him, and admits that while he is nervous, he wants to be himself around her, he wants to be present.

Katie goes out to the truck with Ball Pit and notes that it makes her feel like a kid, and she really likes Ball Pit’s energy.

Katie visits with Justin who presents to her that rose-heart painting that he’s begun, and he explains that he hopes to be able to complete it with the final rose. And, look. The painting itself? Not that imaginative a subject, but technically quite good. He also earns himself the first kiss of the night.

Meanwhile, outside, the first impression rose is delivered and the men have the traditional freak out about not having enough time with her.

Katie then has a few more rushed conversations with men, including the other artist who presents her a new work entitled “The Adventures of Katie and Swizz,” so I guess he calls himself “Swizz?” OK.

Katie is then dragged out to the Meth RV that is authentically dirty and cluttered. There, the RV guy offers her a glass of ice tea while assuring her that it’s “just ice tea,” and begins loudly chomping on carrots. Katie is not amused, but also, Katie: HASN’T ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU TO NEVER GO TO A SECOND LOCATION WITH A SURGICAL SKIN SALESMAN?

The other men continue panicking, and we abruptly cut to that one Aaron dude aggressively telling that sex doll guy that “I don’t like you, bro, I’ve never liked you, and that’s fine, we don’t have to talk at all. Right? And it’s not MY fault I don’t like you, bro.”

And all I can think is that Aggro and Lars and the Real Girl are both from San Diego and clearly have some past that will be coming back up later this season. But even still, where the hell did that come from? Did some cameraman not do his job and catch the beginning of this fight or was this a deliberate editorial decision?

We still have one big beribboned mystery to deal with: the James-in-a-Box.

And can I just say, God bless the producers for this interview:

Some of the men wheel The Box into a private room, where James pops out, dressed in a three-piece suit and, unlike some of the men who haven’t been trapped in a goddamned box all night, is well-groomed. Katie finds him intriguing and likes the eye contact they are making. When James-in-the-Box joins the other men, they are refreshingly honest and admit that he is handsome, charming, and well-spoken and they are literally so disappointed, they demand he go back in the box.

Katie then goes outside with Cat Man, where she puts on matching cat ears and paws and the two of them play on a Big piano, terribly. They then make small talk before making out, bringing furry representation to The Bachelor franchise of shows for the first time.

Katie chats with Dad Joke who shows him a photo of his dog named “Tommy” which is the name of Katie’s cat (the real one, not the Nashville musician in a costume trying to milk the show for his big break). Dad Joke reveals that there’s a reason he makes bad dad jokes: he’s a father to a 4-year-old boy, and he asks if being a mother is something Katie sees in her future. Katie, being the person she is, says that she thinks she wants kids, maybe, in some capacity. If that means being with someone who already has a kid, she’d be open to that, and she’d be just as open to being with someone who never wants kids. And that might also be a first on this show: a Bachelorette who is open to NOT having children. So often, the Bachelorette, and the contestants on The Bachelor open with, “AND I WANT 17 CHILDREN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, NEXT WEEK PREFERABLYY” so it’s weirdly refreshing to seeing a woman not being defined by her desire to be a mother …. just her desire to be a fiancé and bride.

Look, baby steps, people.

It’s time for the First Impression Rose, and kinda surprisingly, she gives it to Cousin Greg. He’s completely smitten.

And with that, there are 23 more roses to hand out, so line up, ding-dongs.

Rose #1: Ball Pit
Rose #2: Dad Joke
Rose #3: Someone Named Thomas
Rose #4: The Ginger
Rose #5: Cat Man
Rose #6: Accent Guy
Rose #7: James-in-a-Box
Rose #8: First Kiss
Rose #9: Q
Rose #10: Swizz
Rose #11: The New Virgin
Rose #12: Round Spongebob
Rose #13: Captain Underpants
Rose #14: Andrew the Lawyer
Rose #15: The Math Major
Rose #16: Little League
Rose #17: Oh Canada
Rose #18: Highwaters
Rose #19: Aggro
Rose #20: Bahstan
Rose #21: Cold Fish
Rose #22: Lars and the Real Girl

Which means the men who must buzz off are: The RV Serial Killer; Someone Named Austin; The Cut-Rate Stephen Baldwin; The Douchey Huggy Bro; The Adrian Grenier Impersonator; Someone Named Landon; and Earring Mystery. Maybe next time consider being a furry or pulling the underwear out of your pants or giving her a cold fish, guys.

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Katie:

The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Katie:

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m.

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