Get it? Buzz? Because Katie Thurston showed up on The Bachelor, vibrator in hand?
Right, so one week from today, the first of ~lord help me~ two seasons of The Bachelorette will begin, (because the producers couldn’t bring themselves to choose between a popular white Bachelorette and a popular Black Bachelorette, so here we are, goddammit), and these are the gentlemen who have decided to join this hellscape. They seem … nice. Maybe too young on average for a 30-year-old Bachelorette — I would have started with a minimum age of 29, not 25 — but overall the impression I have is “nice.”
So let’s meet these nice guys … and thn rip them to pieces, shall we?
AARON
26
Insurance Agent
San Diego, CA
It’s easy to see that Aaron is a strapping young man, but don’t be fooled, there is much more to this California stud than meets the eye. Aaron currently works in sales and enjoys being outdoors, surfing and lifting weights, and he was an NCAA swimmer in college. He is thoughtful, sensitive and very ambitious, saying that in five years’ time, he hopes to own his business and work for himself. Aaron is looking for a woman who is down to earth, smart, funny and is someone who doesn’t take herself too seriously. Aaron plans to leave a legacy behind, so he needs a partner who is going to support him and encourage his dreams. His one flaw? Aaron says he can be a procrastinator, but now he is done wasting time and is ready to find his wife!
– Aaron has one tattoo – his family’s initials on his neck.
– Aaron’s biggest fears are rats and saber-tooth tigers.
– Aaron’s favorite holiday is Halloween because he loves when things get spooky.
Saber-tooth tigers became extinct 10,000 years ago. Also, not to be shitting on anyone’s dreams, but what kind of “legacy” do you think you’re going to leave behind in the insurance business, Aaron?
ANDREW M.
31
Deputy District Attorney
Newport Beach, CA
Andrew M. is a deputy district attorney who loves his job, but his identity goes far beyond what he does from 8-5. When he’s not in the court room, you can find Andrew M. coaching youth water polo or building bonfires on the beach. Now, he just needs someone to snuggle up with by that fire. Andrew M. is looking for a woman who is open-minded and adaptable, exudes positive energy, but also has a fun side and a great sense of humor because – fun fact – Andrew M. LOVES to play pranks. Andrew M.’s life is all about adventure and he is here because what greater adventure is there than the search for true love?
– Andrew M. played one year of professional water polo in Hungary’s First Division – the most competitive league in the world.
– Andrew M. loves to sample men’s fragrances from magazine inserts.
– Andrew M. enjoys woodworking.
– When Andrew M. graduated from college, he “Tebowed” on the stage.
First, let’s address the “Tebowing” on stage: ugh.
But second: Pranks? Absolutely not. This is not Prank’d and you are not Ashton Kutcher.
ANDREW S.
26
Pro Football Player
Vienna, Austria
Andrew S. is truly a man of the world. He spends half the year living in Vienna, Austria, where he plays professional football, and the other half in the Chicago area, where he works as a football coach and teacher’s assistant. Andrew S. says living in Europe has given him an updated outlook on life where people work to live instead of live to work. He is not afraid to make a grand romantic gesture and says that when the moment calls for it, he has no problem driving for hours just to hand deliver lunch and fresh flowers to that special woman. Andrew S. can’t wait to get married and hopes to have five kids one day. The one thing he cannot handle in a relationship is poor communication. Lucky for him, the Bachelorette has no trouble in that arena!
– Andrew S. has a great sense of humor, and one of his favorite party tricks is imitating accents from around the globe.
– Andrew S. loves to nerd out over Ancient Rome and says that seeing the Colosseum in person was a dream come true.
– Andrew S. loves margaritas and will happily challenge anyone who says they can make a better one than he can.
– Andrew S. is very close with his 96-year-old grandmother.
I mean, he sounds pretty great? What is there to make fun of here? Five kids are probably too many kids, but that’s just a rookie, non-parent mistake. At 26, he’s too young for a 30-year-old woman, but other than that, I have no problem with Mr. Andrew here.
AUSTIN
25
Real Estate Investor
Mission Viejo, CA
Austin has been very busy in quarantine – not only does he work out at least six days a week, but in 2020 alone, he flipped 20 properties and says that in 2021 his goal is to flip over 100. He is smooth, funny, handsome and driven to succeed in all aspects of his life. He believes that ambition is the most important trait that his partner can have and says that doing life together means driving each other to be better. Austin says his weakness is a woman with a great smile and that he would love to find someone he can get dressed up for and enjoy a night out on the town with. While Austin has dated many women, he says that he hasn’t found a relationship serious enough from him to consider marriage, but he is hoping to change that. He is truly searching for the Beyoncé to his Jay-Z and has no intention of compromising.
– Austin loves to spend the day at the beach and work on his tan.
– Austin doesn’t currently have any tattoos, but he definitely wants to get a few.
– Austin loves his white shoes and fears the day that someone spills on them.
This guy sounds exhausting. Never date someone who cares more about his sneakers than you, ladies. And if my partner tried to “drive me to be better,” I’d smother him in his sleep with a pillow. Also, Jay-Z cheated on Beyoncé so maybe let’s come up with a better relationship analogy?
BRANDON
26
Auto Parts Manager
Queens, NY
Brandon is quirky, intelligent and unapologetically himself. He attended Northwestern University where he says he learned to outgrow behaviors that limit his progress as a person. He currently spends most of his weekends at home working on a new skill he’s trying to develop. Currently, languages are a big interest of his – he is fluent in Japanese and Spanish and is working on expanding his Korean vocabulary. Brandon needs a woman who understands the importance of putting in effort. He’s looking for an equal partner in life and says he could never be with anyone who would issue him an ultimatum. Brandon’s ideal date would be filled with meaningful conversation, delicious cocktails and a nightcap at home getting cozy over movies and snacks. His idea of a romantic gift is a home-cooked meal or a handwritten letter. For Brandon, it’s the experiences in life and not the material things that matter most.
– Brandon loves to attend the occasional rave.
– Brandon HATES exorbitantly overpriced restaurants.
– Brandon loves Japanese and Korean R&B.
– Brandon finds joy hitting the open road on a motorcycle.
The hair. The hair, tho.
I mean, I’m not feeling great about the loving the occasional rave, or the hating expensive restaurants and going out for cocktails — and no dinner — which says to me that he’s cheap and he doesn’t know from good food and he’s not going to feed you. And the part where he “learned to outgrow behaviors that limit his progress as a person” is about 900 red flags in one sentence.
But honestly, the worst thing in this entire profile is the hair.
BRENDAN
26
Firefighter Trainee
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Brendan is the type of guy who always enjoys life to the fullest. He is currently in the process of becoming a full-time firefighter. Brendan takes a lot of pride over this goal and is excited to make a positive difference in his community. While Brendan’s professional life is exactly where he wants it, he still dreams of adding a little fire to his personal life. In his partner, Brendan is looking for good back and forth banter, a sense of adventure and an open mind. He has no specific dealbreakers but says that he loves being clean and organized and hopes to find a woman who feels the same. He is a straight shooter and says that nothing makes him happier than putting a smile on the face of the woman he loves. Brendan says he is in a great spot in his life to go on this journey and try and find his perfect match!
– Brendan is not a good dancer, but that doesn’t stop him from tearing up the dance floor!
– Brendan’s favorite sport is hockey, and he plays goalie in a local league.
– Brendan really does not like vegetables.
– One day, Brendan hopes to take the love of his life swimming with sharks.
Just make sure he hasn’t taken out any insurance policies on you before diving in, ladies.
CHRISTIAN
26
Real Estate Agent
Boston, MA
Christian sees the romance in everything. His parents have been married since their early twenties and Christian says he dreams of finding a long-lasting love like theirs. He spends a lot of time with his family and says that he wants the woman that he ends up with to love them just as much as he does because, in all honesty, they are a good time! Christian wants a woman who is confident and driven, which makes sense considering how successful he is professionally – he’s sold over $25 million worth of residential real estate properties. He’s looking for his best friend and someone to go through life’s successes and failures with, free of judgment. Christian’s ideal woman values the meaning of making a promise and keeping their word. He hopes to find a woman who appreciates him for the thoughtful, hard worker that he is, while also pushing him to be the best version of himself.
– Christian dreams of driving the Batmobile one day.
– In his younger days, Christian rocked a fauxhawk.
– Christian loves parades.
– Don’t let his smile fool you, he’s competitive and has fought in mixed martial arts bouts.
Is Christian 7?
CODY
27
Zipper Sales Manager
San Diego, CA
On the surface, Cody is a handsome surfer with a six pack, but he’s a romantic gentleman at heart. When he is not chasing the best waves he can find in the San Diego surf, he is hanging with his boys and making necessary moves to achieve his dream of owning a home by the age of 30. His other dream? Having someone special to share that future home with! When it comes to relationships, Cody values nothing more than authentic connections and has no trouble being transparent with his feelings. He prefers to put everything out there for better or for worse. Cody is looking for someone to look past his exterior and see what he is all about inside. He wants someone that is self-sufficient, socially confident, willing to push him and work together with him to drive the relationship forward. When Cody falls, he falls hard – he is the type of guy who buys flowers for no reason and will surprise you in the morning with breakfast in bed. Sounds like every girl’s dream, right?
– Cody is a very proud Eagle Scout.
– Cody’s favorite TV show is “The Jersey Shore.”
– Cody says he is not a good cook but swears he is a master on the grill.
– If Cody could live in any other time period, he would be a cowboy in the wild wild west.
~raises hand~
“Yes, I need someone to explain to me what a ‘Zipper Sales Manager’ is, please?”
CONNOR B.
29
Math Teacher
Nashville, TN
Connor B. is a lovable, quirky and charming eighth-grade math teacher. With a master’s degree in medical physics and a resume that includes nuclear engineer as a job title, Connor B. definitely owns his nerdy side, but he is not afraid to poke fun at himself. Connor B. is looking for a woman who will share his enthusiasm and zest for living every day to its fullest. He describes his ideal partner as genuine, kind, socially accepting and open-minded. He wants someone who will build him up and will love his family as much as he does. She should also enjoy a good multi-location date with a theme because when Connor B. wants to impress his date with a good time, he likes to go all out! Connor B. says his one major dealbreaker is a woman who doesn’t respect waiters because there is no place for any bullying in his life. Sounds like he and Katie already have something major in common!
– Connor B. loves dressing up and is the proud owner of his own tux.
– Connor B. claims he can eat cereal faster than anyone.
– Connor B. dreams of going to Italy and overindulging on pasta.
Eating cereal fast is not a thing an adult should go around bragging about.
CONOR C.
28
Former Baseball Player
Costa Mesa, CA
Conor C. is an athletic stud with a Midwestern heart of gold. He currently lives in Southern California where he spends as much time as he can at the beach, but he dreams of moving home to Oklahoma to settle near his family and build a life with his wife by his side. He describes his dream woman as a giver who genuinely cares for others and wants to see those around her succeed. Conor C. is always up for a good time, whether that means going out for a night of bowling or enjoying an intimate night in. Finding someone who has the similar religious beliefs to him is very important to Conor C. because raising his future family in the church is a huge priority. Conor C. has never left the country, so hopefully this journey is just the start of new adventures for him and the Bachelorette!
– Conor C. and Matthew McConaughey share birthdays.
– Growing up, Conor C. loved his puka shell necklaces.
– Conor C. loves breakfast burritos and blueberry pancakes.
Imagine being the type of person who tells other adults which celebrities they share a birthday with (not even the same year, just the damn day) as if that’s a personality trait.
DAVID
27
Technical Product Specialist
Nashville, TN
David is a first generation American, born to and raised by Jamaican parents in New York. He recently left the family unit in New York to pursue career opportunities in tech sales in Nashville, TN. David is looking for a woman who is intelligent and driven to succeed. He is extremely attracted to women who exude a quiet confidence! Synchronicity in life is of the utmost importance for David, and he hopes to find a partner that is as passionate about building a successful life, both professionally and romantically, as he is. David wants a wife who will be proud to stand next to him for the rest of their lives, and he hopes to find that with the Bachelorette!
– New York City pizza is David’s favorite food.
– David was on the debate team in high school.
– ‘N Sync is David’s favorite boy band.
I’m not even going to make fun of David for having a favorite boy band, it’s the best thing I’ve read about any of these men, honestly.
GABRIEL
35
Entrepreneur
Charlotte, NC
Gabriel loves the expression “Renaissance man” and feels it describes him well. He prides himself on having a lot of passions and interests and enthusiastically says that his current passion project is finding his forever love! Gabriel says his best qualities are that he is introspective, creative and confident. He is not afraid to share his feelings and hopes to find a partner that he can evolve with through life. Gabriel loves a woman who is as stimulated by intelligent conversations as he is and who truly knows herself inside and out. In his perfect world, Gabriel says that he and his future wife will grow together and never stop unpeeling each other’s layers.
– Gabriel doesn’t understand the concept of “athleisure” and believes that “people should respect elegant styles of the past.”
– Gabriel loves to play tennis.
– Sean Connery is Gabriel’s favorite James Bond.
Gabriel here could teach the rest of the men a thing or two about coiffure. I AM TALKING TO YOU, BRANDON. That said, I can’t point to any one thing, maybe “Renaissance man” or “people should respect elegant styles of the past” but this guy is exuding some strong douchebag vibes.
GARRETT
29
Software Marketing Manager
Salinas, CA
Garrett was raised in a small California town where ranch life, barbecues and baseball were the backdrop of his childhood. Now, he lives a life dedicated to his career in marketing, which he absolutely loves, but the only thing missing is an amazing woman to share it with. His dream woman is caring, intelligent and someone who prides herself on being a critical thinker. Garrett loves being romantic and says the perfect date is a night out at his favorite steakhouse followed by cozy time at home and enjoying some good wine while getting warm by the fire. Garrett is a YOLO type of guy but take note – he is very loyal and is looking for a wife, NOT a one-night stand. At the end of the day, Garrett is looking for something that lasts forever and dreams of sitting down next to his wife, holding her hand and looking gratefully at the beautiful family that they’ve built together. How sweet is that?
– Garrett has a five-year-old German Shepherd named Archer and describes him as a “very good boy.”
– Garrett is not a fan of tangy foods.
– One day, Garrett wants to climb to the summit of Mount Everest.
I mean, Garrett sounds like a perfectly nice, perfectly bland boy who has absolutely nothing to say. (Who doesn’t like “tangy?”)
GREG
27
Marketing Sales Representative
Edison, NJ
Greg is the full package. He’s handsome, kind, vulnerable and serious about wanting to settle down. Greg considers himself a hopeless romantic, and a perfect first date would be something active like riding bikes, dancing or going to a concert. Greg wants to travel the world with his wife before having kids, of which he says he wants to have at least six! Greg is also extremely close with his family and says his parents set his definition of #romancegoals. Thanks to their love, the standards for what a successful marriage looks like are sky high. Greg wants to find someone he can grow old with and treat like a queen, so the Bachelorette may just be swept off her feet!
– Greg is not afraid to admit that he cries during movies.
– Greg’s biggest pet peeve is slow drivers.
– Greg dreams of seeing Lebron James play basketball in person.
Dream big, Greg.
HUNTER
34
Software Strategist
Houston, TX
Hunter is an expressive, passionate and outgoing person who does not believe in holding back. He is a father of two amazing children who he lives to make happy. Hunter has always been a romantic and says that even as a child, he was known for writing incredible love letters and always being the guy to surprise his crushes with mix tapes or flowers. He is looking for a woman to be his other half – someone who is compassionate, witty, great at communicating and, above all, someone who could love his kids as much as he does. Hunter says that he will never stop believing in romance because “when you hit the mark, there really is no better feeling.” He hopes to find someone to stare off into the stars with for the rest of his life, so let’s see if he and Katie can go the distance!
– One of Hunter’s favorite past times is people-watching.
– Hunter has never ridden a horse, but he REALLY wants to!
– Hunter has a pet parakeet named Zazu.
I hate to indulge in Texas stereotypes, but Hunter needs to surrender his Texas card until he gets on a saddle at least once. I’m sorry, but we have to have standards.
JEFF
31
Surgical Skin Salesman
Jersey City, NJ
Jeff comes from a big, loving Italian family and is looking to find the love that his parents have. For Jeff, family is everything, and he still finds time every weekend to mow his parent’s lawn, do some laundry and sit down for a big Italian dinner. When he’s not chowing down on a plate of his mom’s home-cooked meal, Jeff is dealing with his clients both in and out of the operating, where Jeff works as an artificial skin sales rep! His family and professional life are in a great place, and now, he is hoping to find the only thing he is missing – love. Jeff is energetic, outgoing and loving to his core. He’s seeking an adventurous woman with a great sense of humor who won’t have trouble giving it back to him when she sees fit. Jeff calls himself an exceptional lover, so here’s to hoping he doesn’t show up and disappoint!
– If Jeff could have any other job, he would be a CIA agent.
– Jeff has never met an animal that didn’t love him.
– Jeff lives for good Italian food.
Surgical. Skin. Salesman.
JOHN
27
Bartender
Pacific Beach, CA
John is a thrill-seeker and here at “The Bachelorette,” thrill he will find! Between studying to get his pilot’s license, surfing the San Diego breaks, going to EDM shows and jumping out of planes, John is always finding ways to get his adrenaline pumping. But John is also a romantic and would love to find a woman to share a burrito with while watching the daily sunset over the San Diego coastline. He is looking for someone genuine, honest and willing to challenge him to be a better version of himself. John loves when a woman is confident in her natural beauty and says that nothing turns him on more than a woman who pursues her passions every day. He has very little tolerance for anyone being unfaithful or dishonest and says that his one major dealbreaker is when someone treats another disrespectfully. Sounds like he and the Bachelorette may have a lot in common!
– John is a vegetarian.
– John loves the smell of fireplaces.
– If you’ve never heard of a kiwiberry, John wants you to google them and eat one immediately!
– John thinks swing dancing is so much fun.
EDM and skydiving? HARD PASS. I don’t care how cute he might be. NO SIR.
JOSH
25
IT Consultant
Miami, FL
Josh loves hard and says there is really no other way to put it. He is humble, kind-hearted and goofy, but he’s also a hopeless romantic who has always been very in touch with his emotions. Josh is looking for a woman that is kind, open-minded, ambitious and adventurous. He consistently strives to be genuine and wants to find a partner who will do the same. Josh is extremely family oriented, and finding someone he can bring home to hang with his amazing family for a night of barbecue and playing cards is his dream come true. He plans to show his future wife and kids the same unconditional love he was surrounded by growing up, and really, who could ask for anything more?
– Josh hopes to travel to Asia one day.
– Josh has to sleep on the right side of the bed.
– Josh starts celebrating Christmas in October.
Josh seems like a very nice guy, but 25 is too young for a 30-year-old woman. 25 is too young to be on this show, honestly, but it is way too young for a 30-year-old woman.
JUSTIN
26
Investment Sales Consultant
Baltimore, MD
Justin is one hell of a catch – tall, handsome, has a great career in investment sales, and for the cherry on top, he is also an extremely talented painter! He comes from a loving family and credits his parents, who have been happily married for over 30 years, with providing him an excellent example of what a successful relationship should look like. While Justin has dated around, he’s never been one to settle and just hasn’t found “the one.” For Justin, that one woman is someone who is equally beautiful on the inside and out, trustworthy and committed to the idea of teamwork in a relationship. She’s passionate about fitness, but also loves to enjoy a day barbecuing and a good bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. Justin considers himself to be very romantic and holds a lot of value in having a strong intimate connection, both emotionally and physically. For Justin, this journey is all about finding his forever, so here’s hoping he can find that meaningful connection with Katie.
– Justin does not like to dance. At all.
– Justin’s favorite artist of all time is Basquiat.
– If Justin could be any superhero, he would be Black Panther.
Justin seems fine. Whatever. But this is the third guy to yammer about barbecue. Is this some side-effect of the pandemic that men are DESPERATE to go to a barbecue again or something? It’s an outdoor activity — y’all could have been doing this the entire time, you know.
KARL
34
Motivational Speaker
Miami, FL
Karl is a charismatic and confident guy who is here to find his forever love! He loves to have a good time, and more specifically, make it a good time for everyone around him. He has had long-term relationships in the past but says he has had a hard time fully committing because his professional goals have outweighed his personal ones. Now, all that has changed, and Karl is ready to make finding his wife the priority. He is looking for someone with whom he has off-the-charts chemistry. She should be fun and spunky and also love those same qualities in him. Karl is the type of guy who will take you jet skiing on a date and then read you a poem he wrote himself; nothing is off the table with Karl. For Karl, life is an adventure that always needs a little extra spice, and if Katie is ready to turn up the heat, then they’re bound to hit it off!
– Karl’s favorite holiday is New Year’s Day because he loves the feeling of a fresh start.
– Karl loves to play chess.
– Karl speaks both English and French.
Jet-skiing and then listening to some bro’s poetry literally sounds like the worst date ever. If you gave me an entire week, I would not be able to come up with a worse date, unless maybe you added a little EDM and skydiving. THAT’S RIGHT, I AM LOOKING AT YOU, JOHN.
KYLE
26
Technical Recruiter
Fort Lauderdale, FL
Kyle is not afraid to admit that he is looking for that romantic comedy kind of love that lasts forever. A hopeless romantic to his core, Kyle has only ever wanted to live a one-woman kind of life. He is ready to settle down and start a family, but he just needs to find the right woman to make that his reality. Kyle is looking for a woman who is intelligent, athletic, compassionate and always down to try new things. Like him, she should love to travel and always be up for an adventure. Kyle wants someone who will make him laugh and enjoy a life filled with passion and romance. Kyle is here for the real deal – he is looking for the princess to his Prince Charming, and fingers crossed, it’s all fireworks when he meets the Bachelorette.
– Steve Irwin is Kyle’s lifelong idol.
– Kyle’s favorite flower is an orchid.
– Kyle hates mayo and mustard.
– Kyle would love to be able to fly so he never has to sit in traffic again.
Come back when you’re mature enough to not talk about princes and princesses, Kyle.
25
Basketball Coach
Dallas, TX
Landon is a kind, handsome and outgoing guy who is ready to settle down. After a very successful collegiate basketball career, while working hard to receive his master’s degree in global business, Landon is finally ready for marriage and children. According to Landon, his priorities in life have changed and he wants to find his soulmate more than anything. Landon is looking for his best friend and someone that he can be goofy with. He is a strong lover with a very big heart who says that his only major turn-off is someone who doesn’t mix well with his family. As Landon gets older, he’s realized there’s a difference between having love for someone and being in love, and now, he’s ready to leave it all on the court for the chance at something significant.
– Landon’s nickname is Sunshine.
– Landon is a proud and loyal Belieber.
– Landon loves a good game of UNO! or Settlers of Catan.
– Christmas lights make Landon very happy.
- Landon, never use the words “strong” and “lover” together ever again.
- But points for admitting your love of Justin Beiber.
30
Real Estate Agent
Portland, OR
Marcus is a sweet guy with a calming presence about him. He has built a very successful professional life investing in properties, but now he is ready to shift his focus and invest in himself. Marcus is looking for someone who is smart, ambitious and tidy! He cannot be with someone who is happy sitting on their laurels all day long, and he dreams of finding a partner who brings excitement and adventure to his world. He loves to play board games – Monopoly being his all-time favorite – and finds great joy in taking in all that the Portland culinary scene has to offer. When describing himself as a lover, Marcus says he is “amazing.” There’s no doubt that Marcus is ready for love and marriage, and we hope his confidence is enough to win Katie’s heart!
– Marcus likes to have music playing at all times.
– Marcus fears a world where soap does not exist.
– Marcus would love to be Spiderman for a day even though he is terrified of spiders.
– Marcus loves the Los Angeles Lakers.
Marcus is world of contradictions.
MARTY
25
Dancer
Reno, NV
Marty has big energy, big confidence and a lot of love to go around. Though Marty loves to have fun and show off his rockin’ bod, underneath that boisterous exterior is a man with a sensitive soul who is serious about finding “the one.” He is looking for a woman who can joke around with him and will enthusiastically join him for a weekend of camping under the stars. He can’t be with someone who spends more time staring at their phone screen than into his eyes, and good communication skills are an absolute must. Marty loves to express himself through physical touch and says that he “loves to love on and be loved on.” Will Katie be all about the love with Marty?
– Marty’s self-declared tagline is “Marty brings the party.”
– Marty loves horseback riding.
– Marty explicitly prefers to watch movies indoors.
– The way into Marty’s heart is through a good bottle of cologne.
First of all, the only people allowed to have taglines are Real Housewives, that’s the law. Second, Marty should take Hunter horseback riding. But third, we need to talk about the interesting photo editing that happened with our friend Marty. Above is the photo DisneyABC made available to the media to download, but below is the photo that is on ABC’s site. I’ll give you a minute to play “Spot the Difference.”
It’s the earring. Someone at ABC had a problem with his earring. ABC: LET MARTY BE MARTY.
MICHAEL
36
Business Owner
Akron, OH
Michael is a single dad whose world revolves around his amazing four-year-old son, James. When it comes to dating, the two of them are a packaged deal, and Michael wouldn’t have it any other way. Michael lives a life that is incredibly fulfilling and says he is more than ready to find someone to share it with. His dream woman is compassionate, empathetic, resilient and not easily offended. A witty woman with a funny bone and a self-deprecating sense of humor is a huge turn-on for Michael, and he loves when a woman has strong convictions and stands up against ignorance. Michael says that life is short and that he’s ready to find a woman who makes him a better person every day that they are together. He is serious about finding love on this journey, so, Michael, let the journey begin!
– Michael makes a mean plate of Dino Nuggies.
– Michael prefers the mountains over the beach any day of the week.
– Michael loves 90s R&B and rap music.
I mean this in the kindest way: Michael looks like a Jason Sudekis character.
MIKE
31
Gym Owner
San Diego, CA
When people find out that this great-looking guy used to play professional baseball, they assume that he must be a “player,” but that could not be further from the truth. Mike grew up in a very loving family where the cornerstone of his upbringing was his faith. He has always been a one-woman type of guy, but due to his successful run in the MLB, dating was never really a priority in his life. Now, after retiring from baseball and opening up a gym for high school athletes, Mike is ready to focus on the missing piece in his life – finding love. Mike describes himself as easygoing, social, goofy and disciplined. He is looking for a woman who loves staying active, will make him laugh, and most importantly, has the same set of values as he does. Mike’s family is extremely important to him so, ideally, he is looking to find someone whom his parents and three sisters absolutely adore. Mike loves his life and is 100% ready to share his life with the woman of his dreams. Is Katie that woman? Only time will tell.
– Mike does not like dessert.
– Mike occasionally describes himself as basic.
– Mike’s goal is to visit 100 countries.
Here’s how “basic” Mike is: I had originally downloaded all of these photos from ABC’s media site for this post, but after I wrote the draft for this post, I realized the pictures were too huge and taking up too much space. I had to edit the images down to about half the original size and then replace the original bigger pictures in the post with the new smaller pictures. So as part of the edting process of this post, I went through it and removed the larger photos one-by-one, and then went into my site’s media library, found the same picture but smaller, and inserted it into the post. Reader: as soon as I deleted Mike’s photo, I COULD NOT REMEMBER WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE. I clicked on at least 10 other guys’ photos, looking for him, because that’s how forgettable he was — I looked away from his picture for five seconds and COMPLETELY FORGOT WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE. So yeah, ya basic.
QUARTNEY
26
Nutrition Entrepreneur
Dallas, TX
When it comes to putting it all out there for love, Quartney is not afraid to make a spectacle. He is a compassionate, caring and honest man who is going to make romantic gestures that make his partner feel special, as well as provide security and consistent love at all times. He is looking for a woman who is outgoing, ambitious and like-minded when it comes to his religious beliefs, which are very important to him. He loves to daydream about having a family and says that the number one thing he is looking for is someone to be an amazing mother to his future children. Quartney’s goal in life is to leave behind a legacy, and he needs a partner who will stand side by side with him and build an empire. Quartney is here to make an impact and is ready to fight for a chance at love, whatever it takes!
– Even though he’s not great at it, Quartney loves to country line dance.
– Scuba diving is at the top of Quartney’s bucket list.
– Quartney’s idea of a perfect nightcap is a robust bonfire with s’mores, music and dancing.
Guys: Scuba diving and horseback riding? These are not unattainable goals. Just … just go do them. You’re an adult with a job, just pick a weekend and go do it.
THOMAS
28
Real Estate Broker
Poway, CA
Thomas is a true believer that everything happens for a reason and says the timing to meet Katie could not be more perfect for him. Thomas knows exactly what he is looking for. For him, it’s all about substance and true companionship. His dream woman is beautiful, athletic, mature and ready to be his partner in life. Ambition and thoughtfulness are two major turn-ons for Thomas, and he would love someone to stand by his side as he becomes more involved in his local community. She also must have a healthy appetite because Thomas’s love language is food – he loves to show romance by bringing his loved ones their favorite dish, and one of his favorite ways to show someone his beloved city of San Diego is through his meticulously curated tour of the best burritos, burgers and brunch the city has to offer. Above all, Thomas is done looking for just a good time and is ready to find the one to last a lifetime. #Swoon.
– Thomas often wonders if The Rock really can eat everything he posts on Instagram for his cheat meal days.
– Thomas’s favorite flower is a sunflower.
– Thomas is guilty of rocking the Ed Hardy trend back in high school.
STOP JUDGING THE ROCK, THOMAS. IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, THOMAS.
TRE
26
Software Engineer
Covington, GA
Tre is a handsome catch with a huge heart. He comes from a very close family and describes himself as outgoing, kindhearted and open-minded. Tre is looking for a strong, confident woman who is open to everything life has to offer. Never one to pass up an opportunity for a new experience, Tre is looking for someone who is not afraid to let passion and spontaneity dictate life’s direction. Coming from a big loving family, Tre wants as many kids as possible (and that he and his wife can comfortably afford)! A willingness to be vulnerable is an absolute must for Tre, and he promises to give that vulnerability in return. At his core, Tre is eager to love and eager to be loyal to one woman. Who could ask for anything more?
– Tre’s favorite activity is to meet his friends for their brunch and book club.
– Tre loves the harmonica.
– Tre is irrationally terrified of piranhas.
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Alright. See you back here in one week, friends.
The Bachelorette airs on ABC. It returns on June 7.
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