The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Kiss and Tell All”
July 22, 2020
Though we did not leave the last episode on an official “TO BE CONTINUED,” for all intents and purposes, we kinda did, as we begin this episode exactly where we left off: at Kyle’s Black and White party, with Camille trying to be nice to Teddi and Denise, and Teddi being like, “Yeah, thanks, but absolutely not.”
As for Denise, Camille apologizes for lashing out, and Denise is like, “I was genuinely concerned for you because you were acting like a Goddamned lunatic …
… but I get that you were in a lot of pain and we’re all good.”
Camille is happy to be at least partially forgiven and leaves Denise and Teddi to finish their conversation, which basically amounts to Teddi telling Denise that she doesn’t have any big issues with her, and the two of them agreeing that everything is cool. This is intercut (and undermined) with Teddi saying in an interview that she doesn’t have a problem with Denise, she has a problem with her dum-dum husband, Aaron. But I mean, who doesn’t, amirite?
Camille says her goodbyes to Kyle, and thanks her for inviting her to the event so that she could try to make nice with the other women. And besides Rinna and Teddi and Dorit, it seems to have worked! But not at all!
Elsewhere, Garcelle is talking to Erika about all the work-related travel she’s been doing, and apologizing that she won’t be able to make it to Erika’s “Shoe Dazzle” event, which I suppose is the next promotional event that we’re going to be dragged to.
Kyle then returns to the stage to reveal she has another surprise for her guests: a performance by 90s supergroup Wilson Phillips. Oh yay. Dorit, who had her own surprise concert by a has-been pop star a few seasons ago, is underwhelmed.
Inside, a tipsy Brandi (though is there any other kind?) is behind the bar and pouring drinks for Denise, Aaron, and Adrienne, and Adrienne’s new boyfriend, and toasting to “surrogacy.”
If you don’t recall, or didn’t watch the show 35 years ago, Brandi blabbed on camera that Adrienne and her husband at the time, Dr. Paul, used a surrogate, and Adrienne and Dr. Paul FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. Brandi reveals that she has run into Adrienne a number of times since that shitshow and that Adrienne has been nothing but lovely to her. Brandi then notes that she never properly apologized to Adrienne, and has decided that here, now, drunk, on-camera, is the perfect time to do so. To that end, she tells Adrienne that she was sorry she “did what [she] did,” and adds that it was not her idea.
Brandi tells Adrienne that she loves her, and Adrienne is like, “that’s nice.”
Brandi then becomes VERY frisky with Denise, slapping her on the ass, and telling Denise and Aaron that she wants to be in a throuple with them. She notes that Denise and Aaron just got married and that he can use this moment to tell America that he loves “[Denise’s] vagina,” which … On that note, Denies and Aaron take their leave because THAT’S A LOT.
Brandi then takes this show out to the dance floor where she falls down approximately 79 times.
Next is Erika’s boring shoe event. There are shoes hanging from the ceiling, there’s a shoe cake, there are shoes. Apparently, Erika had a line of discount shoes at Shoe Dazzle, though this is the only design and color still available. Still! For $9.99? I mean, if you have occasion for a neon green snakeskin plastic stiletto, that’s kind of a steal!
The only things that happen of any interest at the shoe party are:
1. Erika tries to talk to Denise about what an asshole Aaron is, only to have Denise shut her down.
2. Rinna announces she (“she”) is taking them all to Rome for a week, even though it would make more sense for this to be Dorit’s trip, what with the whole Buco di Beppo dumbassery, but no one asked me.
Sometime later, Garcelle and Sutton go out for dinner where they discuss the upcoming trip to Italy, and note that it’s expected to be rainy, causing Garcelle to worry about her hair. Sutton tells Garcelle that she gets it: she has naturally curly hair, too, and adds that her “kitchen gets hot” — “kitchen” being a Black term for the back of one’s neck. Garcelle is like, “LOOK AT YOU!” before moving on to the all-important question of whether or not Sutton will bring her glam team to Italy with her.
This leads Garcelle to ask Sutton a bunch of personal questions regarding how she made her money and if she lost her virginity to her husband and Sutton is all, “YEAHIDON’TTALKABOUTHESETHINGSI’MSOUTHERN.”
Over at Rinna’s, she and her daughter Amelia are meeting with Alexia, another RHOBH child who
has her parents and this show to thank for her career is completely self-made, to discuss apartment options, as Amelia is planning on moving out on her own. Amelia explains to Realtor Alexia, that she is going to need:
- an apartment in West Hollywood or Beverly Hills
- that is not on the first floor
- that has a doorman
- and a marble kitchen island
- and a pretty fridge
- and big windows
- and lots of closet space
- BUT NO RACKS
- and a gym
- and a pool with cabanas
Rinna notes that this will probably cost Amelia around $5000 a month, and that she and Harry Hamlin will contribute $1000 towards that (OK), so it’s a good thing Amelia is selling all those fancy sweatpants
and has a connection to the Kardashians now.
We then fall into a “packing suitcases” montage, my least favorite montage because I HATE PACKING WHY DO I WANT TO WATCH SOMEONE ELSE PACK FOR FUCK’S SAKE? That screamed, I will note that the packing montage does give us this pure moment, and honestly, the less said about it, the better:
Over at Kyle’s house, she’s packing but also trying to plan this baby shower for Teddi, which is the ostensible reason Teddi is at her house for this next scene WHICH IS NOT AT ALL ORCHESTRATED WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT?
So Teddi comes over and they talk about the baby shower (for her THIRD baby? No ma’am) for a hot minute while Kyle packs. At some point, Kim swings by to drop off some dresses she borrowed, and casually mentions that she’s on her way to take Brandi out for dinner for her birthday. Kim then reveals that Brandi is actually out in the car waiting for her, and Kyle’s like, “Oh my God, bring her inside, don’t leave her out in the car!”
Brandi comes inside, and there’s a lot of talk from Kyle about how she doesn’t ACTUALLY hate Brandi and she’s happy Brandi is such a good friend to Kim and we’re all like “alright, alright, we get it, Brandi is suddenly your hero for absolutely no reason whatsoever.” Brandi asks what Kyle’s packing for, and she explains that they’re going on their annual girl’s trip to Rome, and adds that it’s going to be slightly awkward since there’s this stuff going on with Denise. Kyle then adds that Denise became upset with them for talking about threesomes in front of her kids, and Brandi is like, “OK BUT CHARLIE SHEEN IS THEIR ACTUAL DAD, SO?”
Brandi then reveals that she and Denise have “a whole …” but stops herself, only for Kim to interject that Denise did something to Brandi that was horrible. When Kyle and Teddi are like “but y’all are friends?” Brandi is all, “we ARE friends …” before adding, “actually, I’m not sure what we are.”
Brandi then warns the women that they should be careful with Denise because “she’s not who she pretends to be.” And I mean, yeah, “Denise is a Hypocrite and a Liar” has pretty much been the entire theme of this season.
Brandi goes on to tell them the shitty things Denise has said about them: that Teddi is “obnoxious” and will do anything to be in the group (and by “group” she means “show”) and that she’s living in her daddy’s shadow; that she doesn’t like Kyle or Rinna; and she called Erika a “cold-hearted bitch.”
Kyle notes that she’s never seen Brandi so nervous in her life, and as she fetches (or has her housekeeper fetch) some waters and a little wine, Kim encourages Brandi to tell Kyle and Teddi what is really going on. Kim assures Brandi that she did nothing wrong and that Denise is NOT HER FRIEND.
And then Brandi tells all:
Brandi and Denise had a mutual “friend” (their agent) who introduced them a while back and they got along right away. Their friend left the dinner early, but Denise and Brandi stayed and hung out and “something” happened — they went into the restroom together and then all of a sudden they’re making out.
Sometime later, she was with Denise and Aaron and they made it clear that they had an understanding that it was cool if Denise was with girls, but not other men. So then fast forward to last April: Denise was filming a movie in Northern California, and she invited Brandi to join her and her daughters there for the weekend. Brandi shared a bed with Denise, and the first night, it was cool, nothing happened. But on the second night, drinks were flowing and the next thing you know, they were hooking up.
INSERT SHOCKED FACES ALL AROUND.
Brandi pleads with the women not to judge her, and after they assure her that they do not, Brandi goes on to say she was just not into the sex at all because they were in a loft space that opened up to where her daughters were sleeping. And then the thing that really has Brandi upset: the next day, Denise told her that Aaron can never find out — he’d kill her.
Brandi up until this point hadn’t realized she was cheating with Denise, she thought that Denise and Aaron had an open relationship when it came to Denise and other women. So when Brandi says she doesn’t want Kyle and Teddi (and by extension all of us) to judge her, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be judged for being bisexual — she doesn’t give a shit if you judge her for her sexuality. She means she’s terrified of being judged for being a homewrecking cheater, the thing she hates the most in this world after her husband destroyed their family by being unfaithful — and the thing that has framed her entire identity and brand.
Brandi then says she and Denise didn’t really communicate much after that, and then Denise texted Brandi out of the blue the night before Kyle’s Black and White party when she learned Brandi was going to be there. She talked shit about the other women and then told Brandi that she wanted to be clear that her private life is SUPER PRIVATE and that she would never tell Brandi’s secrets, which, to Brandi, felt like a threat.
And so, in conclusion, that’s why Brandi was understandably a little … unbalanced at Kyle’s event.
Kyle and Teddi tell Brandi to stop beating herself up about what happened, they wish her a happy belated birthday, and then send her off to her dinner with Kim, so that they can sit there and process all of this. Because HOLY SHIT.
But there isn’t much time to process it, because 18 hours later they are arriving in Rome with Rinna and telling her everything:
It’s going to be an interesting trip.
NOW SOME NOTES: I have not watched ahead, so I don’t know exactly where I stand on this whole alleged affair yet, not having heard Denise’s side. But I have seen that tons of people believe Denise over Brandi and felt like this was all a huge set-up. What I will say now is that it absolutely does seem like Kyle, Brandi, and Kim set up this entire scene — but that doesn’t necessarily mean that what Brandi is claiming happened is a lie. Both things can be true. I will just add that Page Six ran an article a couple of months after this aired (and the day after the final reunion episode) in which Brandi filled in more details about the “affair,” if you are interested.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.