‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Black and white and read all over

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Black Ties and White Lies”
July 15, 2020

The episode begins with the first of so many unexpected guest stars: one Camille Grammer. Camille, you will remember, set fire to all of her relationships in the previous season — what with the defending Lisa Vanderpump while also talking shit about her, accusing Teddi of “snubbing” her daughter, talking shit about Dorit’s finances, and the nasty things she said about Denise not having lost much in the Malibu fires because she was a renter, and also accusing Denise of being a bad mother — It was a lot! She was a nightmare!

Well, Camille has rebuilt her burnt-down home in Malibu and has had some time to think things over, and she happens to reach out to Kyle to try to make nice the same week that Kyle will be hosting a big fancy party at her home. What a coincidence!

Kyle and Camille take a seat on Camille’s new deck overlooking the Malibu seals — which is a thing I did not know existed but you learn something new every day — and hash things out. It seems that between the reunion and now, Camille continued down the warpath via Twitter and added to her list of targets, including Kyle and Rinna. So Kyle opens their conversation with a simple, “what the hell, bitch?”

Camille tries to explain that she was “hurt” by the other women, and between all the stress of losing her house and her mother’s health issues and a new marriage, and feeling like the women were ganging up on her … there was only so much she could take. But she’s really sorry about all of the mean tweets, there was no excuse for them, and Kyle accepts her apology, noting that they’ve been through worse.

Camille claims she wants to work things out with the rest of the ladies and Kyle’s like, “Well good luck with that.”

Other women trying to hash out their differences (and failing): Denise and Rinna. The two meet for grapefruit juice and french fries — I’m not even kidding — at some hotel restaurant, and Denise explains that she wanted to have a private conversation with Rinna about this whole mess. Because they have such a long history, Denise says, it was particularly painful when Rinna accused her of being a hypocrite in Santa Barbara for having taken some risque roles and posed in Playboy and then turning around and being outraged that the women would talk about threesomes in front of her children.

Rinna tells Denise that they just want her to be honest and open about who she is: it seems inconsistent to be both the woman talking about her husband’s penis size and giving him “happy endings” and the woman clutching her pearls when her friends mention having kissed women before. Furthermore, Rinna points out, it was Denise who brought the kids into this — she’s the one who has been continuing the conversation by going around scolding the rest of them about it at every opportunity.

Denise continues to try to claim she’s not upset, but Rinna tells her that her energy is not matching what she’s saying, that she’s coming off very hostile and angry. Additionally, she needs to just be honest about not liking Kyle … to which Denise protests that she DOES like Kyle, despite the producers rolling five minutes of footage of her talking shit about Kyle after their get-together at Erika’s house.

Rinna, realizing that this is going nowhere, moves on to the newest problem: Denise’s ape-man husband. She tells Denise that though she wasn’t at Sutton’s event, she’s hearing that people are pissed at Denise for storming off with Aaron. Denise claims they didn’t storm off, there was PAPARAZZI and she didn’t want to have that conversation with the ladies with the PAPARAZZI hanging around.

There was no paparazzi at the event.

Denise explains that she just wants this entire discussion to end — the longer this goes on, the more likely her kids are going to hear about it. And Rinna is like, “GIRL, YOU ARE AWARE THAT YOU ARE TAPING A REALITY SHOW AND YOUR KIDS ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO SEE ALL OF THIS, CORRECT?” But Denise seems to think she can just wipe away the talk of the happy endings and Aaron’s dick size and eating dinner at strip clubs by chastising the other women for talking about threesomes too loudly and then chastising the other women when they get offended by her chastising them.

Realizing that she’s getting nowhere with Denise, Rinna asks if she’s going to attend Kyle’s party, and Denise is like, “If I can’t figure out an excuse not to,” before adding that she’s learned something today: she can’t trust Rinna.

Elsewhere, Kyle sets up for this party and has Dorit swing by for a glass of wine and to inform her that Camille will be in attendance. Dorit is not thrilled.

Over in Garcelle’s world, she meets with her producing partner, a prospective director, and some producers to talk about a movie script she co-wrote, and the director’s vision for it — which differs WILDLY from what was written on the page, and Garcelle is like, “NOPE.”

Finally, Kyle’s Black and White party and auction. Unlike her previous White parties, this event is actually meant to raise money for Children’s Hospital, a worthy cause. And Kyle wants you to know that she has spent $200,000 on this party, so she needs to raise more than that, or she could have just written the hospital a check and called it a day. And you know, good on her, but let’s not act like this isn’t a tax write-off, too (and I will call your attention to Kyle’s almost hysterical concern about raising enough money throughout the event and this bullet point from that link: “If your party raises less money than it cost to execute, the IRS could argue that the cost to throw the party is not deductible“).

As they are getting dressed, Dorit mentions to her Insufferable Husband (who, compared to Aaron, grows less insufferable by the second) that Aaron had been talking shit to the ladies — something Insufferable Husband knows a little something about — and asks him to take Aaron aside and tell him there’s no winning in getting himself involved. Insufferable Husband is like, “I mean, I will try, but I gotta tell you, some guys just have to find out the hard way.”

It’s true though. And also? Am I softening a little on Insufferable Husband? A little financial ruin and embarrassment seem to have knocked his ego down to where it should have been in the first place and have done him a world of good, honestly.

Driving together to Kyle’s party in one SUV: Erika, Rinna, and GASP! EILEEN! Our boring queen is back for ONE NIGHT ONLY! In the car, the ladies insist unconvincingly to Eileen that they really truly, honest-to-God like Denise — it’s just that her husband is a condescending mansplainer.

Meanwhile, in their car, Denise and Aaron are wondering if it was a good idea for Aaron to come to this party, and they decide that it is. What could possibly go wrong?

Camille and her friend Kimber are the first to arrive at the party, followed soon by Dorit and her Insufferable Husband, who do an expert job of saying hello to Kimber and avoiding Camille, because no.

Soon Erika, Rinna, and Eileen arrive, and as Kyle shows them the auction items, she mentions that Camille is downstairs and they are all, “Huh. Well.”

By the way: the items being auctioned off at this 2019 event? A trip to Mexico; a trip to Augusta, Georgia; a trip to the Kentucky Derby; a trip to Aspen. DON’T SPEND TOO MUCH, LADIES, ‘CAUSE NONE OF Y’ALL ARE GOING TO ANY OF THOSE PLACES IN 2020.

Eileen and Rinna go downstairs where Rinna decides to confront the elephant in the room by approaching and greeting Camille, and then immediately adding that she is an asshole on Twitter. Rinna insists that she doesn’t need a “beef” with Camille, but repeats that she’s an asshole on Twitter.

But I mean, honestly, who isn’t?

So what did Camille tweet that pissed everyone off? It looks like some of these tweets might have done it:

Eh, I’m no defender of Camille, but I’ve seen worse.

Rinna tells Camille that she didn’t like the “trash” tweet or being called part of a “coven,” and Camille counters that she didn’t like a lot of the stuff that was going on last year, either. Rinna insists she doesn’t want to rehash anything, and that they’re “good,” but Camille’s like, “YOU JUST CALLED ME AN ASSHOLE, SO NO? WE’RE NOT GOOD?” Then Rinna runs away.

Garcelle and her date, a gentleman named Michael arrive, and Dorit’s Insufferable Husband asks if they’re dating. Michael looks a little taken aback and notes that it’s just been eight days since their first date, whereas Garcelle adds that they’ve known each other for 22 years, so they are clearly on the same page.

Also in attendance at the party: Adrienne Maloof! Presumably wearing a pair of Maloof Hoofs! And her ex-husband Dr. Paul and his MUCH younger new wife. And Kathy Hilton. And Kris Jenner. And Kim Richards. AND! … Brandi. But don’t get too excited because nothing much happens with Brandi.

Kyle acknowledges that it’s probably a little strange that Brandi would be allowed at her house after … everything, but claims that she saw a video Brandi recently posted online where she’s crying over having to share custody of her kids or something and it touched Kyle. And NOT because Brandi told the producers something she thought might be interesting regarding the show and not because the producers then called Kyle and were like, “YOU ARE GOING TO INVITE BRANDI TO YOUR PARTY NO MATTER WHAT. COME UP WITH SOME EXCUSE. WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT THAT YOU DON’T LIKE HER, GET OVER IT.” That absolutely did not happen why would you think that?

Denise and Aaron also arrive, and they wander around the party, scoping out the exits.

Under the big party tent, the women, including Brandi and Denise, all cram onto a couch nearest the stage for the live auction, and between the trips that no one is going to be allowed to take, the $25,0000 stem cell procedure that the ladies clearly were obligated to talk about approximately 87 times in the episode in order for it to be donated, and the just straight-up cash donations, Kyle and Mauricio make $300,000 for Children’s Hospital. And avoid an audit.

Meanwhile, Dorit’s Insufferable Husband takes Aaron aside and is like, “So I hear you’re trying to defend your wife against these women. As someone who has been there and done that, my advice is DO NOT.” He goes on to use a fairly insulting metaphor, something about one’s wife “climbing up a tree” and helping them down instead of making them “climb up further,” and Aaron is like, “Whatever man.”

Inside, Brandi is complimenting Denise for looking “super hot” and tells her her boobs look good, which Denise is happy to hear, noting how expensive they were. Denise then approaches Teddi and asks if they can chat for a second, and they retreat to some nearby couches. But before Denise can give Teddi shit for … whatever … Camille joins them and congratulates Teddi on her pregnancy and tells her how great she looks. But Teddi’s like, “save it. I know you don’t like me, and I don’t need your compliments.”

Which is sort of a weird place to leave it? But here we are.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.

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