It’s Monday and it’s March because it’s always March and it will always be March.
This dog who eats tomatoes right off the vine is my familiar.
Golden Globes Nonsense
Listen. If Jason Sudeikis couldn’t be fucked to take this seriously and put on a shirt and if Jodie Foster couldn’t be fucked to take this seriously and wear something other than her pajamas, why the hell should I be expected to take this worthless awards ceremony seriously? I’ll answer that for you: I DON’T AND I WON’T.
I have long made it clear that I think the Golden Globes are not just bullshit, but the worst awards ceremony. It’s all a grift, and the awards are given more weight than they deserve because the ceremony takes place so early in the year. The only reason to actually watch the ceremony is that it is the most fun of your major awards shows: the stars who all know this is nonsense get drunk and let their hair down and say wacky things on stage and it all feels like one big Hollywood party that we’re invited to. But the Golden Globes didn’t even have that going for it this year, as all the nominees were Zooming in from home in their sweats and remaining irritatingly sober.
Not even my imaginary best friends Tina Fey and Amy Poehler on hosting duty could distract us from the shoddiness of it all: winners whose victory speeches were muted; Tiffany Haddish should sue the HFPA for the way they lit her; the boringness of it all. If anything, instead of taking our minds off the trauma we’ve all been enduring, it just reminded us of all the irritations and indignities of the past year, all the Zoom glitches and the bad FaceTime lighting, and the fact that we can’t just hang out with our friends in person and get completely trashed when we have all well earned the right to do so by now.
— Ryan Schocket (@RyanSchocket) March 1, 2021
Here are the winners in the television category because YOU CAN NOT MAKE ME CARE ABOUT THE MOVIE CATEGORY. I AM NOT PAID NEARLY ENOUGH BY YOU PEOPLE TO DO THAT.
Drama: The Crown
Comedy: Schitt’s Creek
Television Movie: The Queen’s Gambit
Best Performance in a Drama:
Actress: Emma Corrin for The Crown
Actor: Josh O’Connor for The Crown
Best Performance in a Comedy:
Actress: Catherine O’Hara for Schitt’s Creek
Actor: Jason Sudeikis for Ted Lasso
Best Performance in a Movie or Miniseries:
Actress: Ana Taylor-Joy for The Queen’s Gambit
Actor: Mark Ruffalo for I Know This Much is True
Best Supporting Performance:
Actress: John Boyega for Small Axe
Actor: Gillian Anderson for The Queen’s Gambit
And you know what? Aside from being something of a harbinger of The Crown‘s good chances in September at the Emmys, this all ultimately means nothing.
So let’s talk about the only things that really matter about the Golden Globes: the memes.
Ugh, look at these showoffs:
How it started:
How it’s going:
DO NOT WAKE AL PACINO UP FOR THIS NONSENSE:
yall just had to wake al pacino up from his nap huh pic.twitter.com/4iUvhPzWk7
— Nariman△⃒⃘ (@slytherinus) March 1, 2021
To be fair, I’m Team Sudeikis and Daniels on this one. Keep your damn Spanx away from me and bring me a flannel:
Siri show me the different expectations for male and female presentation in Hollywood pic.twitter.com/WUae2NtJeM
— Rebecca Keegan (@ThatRebecca) March 1, 2021
I bet Jeff Daniels didn’t even tell his wife that he’s nominated.
“Where you going?”
“Gotta Zoom meeting for work real quick be back in ten” pic.twitter.com/GyYj92mzzA
— Nate Adams 🔜 #SXSW21 (@TheOnlyCritic) March 1, 2021
There’s something undignified about losing at your own house in front of your own dogs. #GoldenGlobes
— Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs) March 1, 2021
Honestly, this is exactly the treatment the Golden Globes deserves and I hope everyone appreciates the Emmys A LITTLE BIT MORE NOW.
All other TV news
Oh hey, there’s more Bachelor news because this nightmare is never going to end:
We’ve got ourselves a replacement for Chris Harrison for the “After the Final Rose” special: former NFL linebacker, Fox Sports analyst, author, and University of Texas grad Emmanuel Acho will do the honors.
Chris Harrison appeared on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune last week, and ABC felt compelled to add a disclaimer reading “This episode was previously recorded in December 2020.”
There’s a regular Supernatural reunion happening on Amazon’s The Boys: Meredith Glynn, David Reed, and Jim Michaels, who were all writers and producers on Supernatural, are moving over to The Boys which is being showrun by Supernatural creator, Eric Kripke. Also, of course, Jensen Ackles will be starring in the series next season.
Background noise! Yes, this makes perfect sense to me, a person who plays ghost shows in the background while she writes these posts.
And as we move into this new, streaming universe, here are some actually very useful ideas on how to lower your cable bill.
Hey, remember these weird Quiznos commercials from the early 2000s? One franchisee posted a sign in his window assuring customers that he had nothing to do with them.
Olympian Lolo Jones was apparently on MTV’s The Challenge? And she left the show? But now she’s claiming she was forced to leave the show? I don’t really know what is going on here, but it’s a good reminder that reality TV isn’t real.
Nat Geo is planning a pretty big world premiere for Genius: Aretha, pandemic or no pandemic.
Hello. I am a woman on TV who just threw up. I am definitely pregnant. https://t.co/nTCMOm3LZ0
— emily ell elong (@ectannenbaum) February 27, 2021
Hello I am a child in an apocalypse movie. I have asthma and we WILL lose my inhaler https://t.co/joPlNPScRX
— Johnny Berchtold 🎃🔪 (@JohnnyBerchtold) February 28, 2021
Hello, I am a chronically ill person in a TV drama. I am a prop for doctors to do heroic things with. https://t.co/Hf3pST1IRY
— Alex Haagaard (they/them) (@alexhaagaard) February 27, 2021
Hello, I am a disabled person in a TV drama. I exist only as a disabled person, and any storyline about me or scene featuring me revolves around my disability. I am Inspirational and Brave. https://t.co/7gW6lxLzN6
— Dr Jo Edge 🎧🏴💅 (@hagenilda) February 27, 2021
Hello. I am a college professor in a movie or TV show. When not pontificating in a large, echoey wood-paneled lecture hall, I live alone in a large home filled with antique furniture, 4 million books, and a dozen or so tweed jackets. I am either 75 or 29 years old.
— Derek Kompare (@d_kompare) February 28, 2021
Lady Gaga’s dog walker is making a remarkable recovery and her dogs have been returned. I’m glad this has all turned out OK, but my God, people, don’t kidnap dogs.
The decline in COVID-19 cases has indeed begun to stall out, and it doesn’t seem like we can blame the winter storm anymore. While hospitalizations are declining, new infections remain high and scientists are concerned this is the predicted effect of the variants taking hold. In fact, here in Houston, we have seen every single known variant! Yay us! Keep wearing your mask, even if you’ve been one of the lucky ones who has received a vaccine — you can still spread the virus.
But good news: the newly approved Johnson & Johnson vaccine should be available within 48 hours, increasing the number of people who will be protected.
“Within the next 24 to 48 hours, Americans should start receiving shots in arms.”
— TODAY (@TODAYshow) March 1, 2021
This is shocking — and by “shocking,” I mean entirely predictable: CPAC attendees heckled the conference officials when they told them to put their damn masks on.
Buzzfeed spoke to teachers around the country about what they are going through right now, being pressured to return to the classrooms — or, as in here in Texas, being forced to — while not being given vaccine priority in about half the states (including Texas). My sister is an elementary teacher here in Houston, and she has an underlying health issue. She has been in the classroom with in-person students all year, and it’s been deeply worrying for my entire family. Fortunately, thanks to our winter storm disaster, she had a couple of days off last week and was able to drive to San Antonio to chase down an available vaccine and I’ve been — pun very much intended — able to breathe a little bit easier. As a parent of a high schooler who we sent back to campus last month, I totally get the need for kids to return to school — but let’s make sure our teachers are protected when we do.
Our condolences to Abigail Breslin and her family.
The Telluride Film Festival will take place in person this September. OK, good luck with that.
- Late Night with Seth Meyers has been renewed on NBC through 2025.
- Finding Alice has been renewed at ITV.
- Single Drunk Female has been ordered to series at Freeform.
- Terminator is being turned into an anime series at Netflix.
- Am I There Yet? is being adapted into a comedy series at Amazon.
- Parallel, a science fiction film, has been picked up at Netflix.
- Black Spartacus: The Epic Life of Toussaint Louverture is being adapted into a TV series.
- Britain’s Tiger Kings – On The Trail With Ross Kemp has been ordered at ITV.
- This is more movie news, but it’s interesting and there’s a chance it could premiere on HBO Max, but Ta-Nehisi Coates has been tapped to write the Superman reboot movie that J.J. Abrams is producing.
- Richard Kind and Maria Bamford will recur on Everything’s Gonna Be Okay on Freeform.
- Austin Butler and Callum Turner will star in the Apple TV+ drama Masters of the Air.
- Wagner Moura will co-star in Shining Girls on AppleTV+.
- Miguel Gomez will join the cast of FBI: Most Wanted on CBS.
- Maya Rudolph will host Saturday Night Live on March 27. Jack Harlow will be the musical guest.
- Patrick Sabongui is joining Shameless on Showtime.
- Malachi Kirby, Monica Dolan, Olivia Williams, Christopher Eccleston, Poppy Lee Friar, and Sir Lenny Henry CBE will star in My Name is Leon on BBC One.
Mark Your Calendar
- Shadow and Bone will debut on Netflix on April 23.
- Oprah with Meghan and Harry: A CBS Primetime Special will air on March 7.
- Q: Into the Storm will premiere on HBO on March 21. (Disinformation experts are really uncool with this trailer, by the way, suggesting that it could recruit more people to the cult.)
- The Real World Homecoming: New York will debut on Paramount+ on March 4.
- Cruel Summer will debut on Freeform on April 20.
- Home Economics will debut on ABC on April 7.
- Nailed It: Double Trouble! will debut on Netflix on March 26.
- The Walking Dead‘s final season will debut on AMC sometime this summer.
- Pacific Rim: The Black will premiere on Netflix on March 4.
- The Proud Family: Louder and Prouder will debut on Disney+ soon.
- American Horror Stories will debut on FX on Hulu … at some point. Sorry for the very terrible audio on this:
Teaser de American Horror Stories, spin-off de American Horror Story. pic.twitter.com/ZI0mW0TQZh
— HORROR BRASIL (@HorrorBRNews) March 1, 2021
- Everything’s Gonna Be Okay will return on Freeform on April 8.
- In Pursuit: The Missing will debut on Discovery+ on March 7 and on Investigation Discovery on March 8.
- The Bold Type will return on Freeform sometime this spring and Motherland: Fort Salem will return in the summer.
Irv Cross, The first Black national TV sports analyst
Fred Segal, Fashion icon
Ng Man-tat, Hong Kong actor
Debris: A wrecked alien spacecraft has mysterious effects on humanity in this new well-reviewed sci-fi series. Series premiere. 9 p.m., NBC
The Voice: Time for the blind auditions. Season premiere. 7 p.m., NBC
Ruth – Justice Ginsburg in Her Own Words: The Notorious RBG is explored through her speeches and interviews and through personal recollections by those who knew her best. Premiere. 8 p.m., Starz
Biggie: I Got a Story to Tell: The Notorious B.I.G. is explored through rare footage and interviews with those who knew him best. Premiere. Netflix
The Bachelor: “The Women Tell All” is here, and these women are MEAN, so buckle up. 7 p.m., ABC
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: John Legend, Jermaine Fowler, Arlo Parks
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Kenan Thompson, Steven Yeun, Julien Baker
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Andy Samberg, Clarissa Ward
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Jamie Dornan, Kelly Marie Tran
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Eddie Murphy, Arsenio Hall, Alan S. Kim, Madison Beer
- The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
- Conan: Chris Gethard
- Watch What Happens Live: Capt. Glenn Shephard, Daisy Kelliher
- A Little Late with Lily Singh: Sarah Chalke
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