‘The Bachelor’: Thinning the herd.

The Bachelor
February 1, 2021

We begin this episode the morning of the rose ceremony, and … wait … stop … do we even know who received the last group date rose? Didn’t we end the last episode with Dildo Queen confronting Matt James about the bullying that was happening in the house before he handed out the date rose or am I misremembering? According to the Bachelor Wiki (yes, there’s a dedicated Bachelor Wiki, and please don’t ask me how much time I spend on it), Mrs. James received the group date rose, but either they didn’t show that happening or I have lost time, maybe in some sort of alien abduction or dissociative amnesia scenario, maybe both.

So it’s the morning of the rose ceremony, and Queen Asshole is taking a walk with College Girl and talking shit about the new women, how she “doesn’t think anything of them,” how she hasn’t even started the “hazing process,” and calling them “disgusting.” You know, just her morning dose of “joy” that she brings to the house, the way she famously does.

Elsewhere, TEETH and Pizza Delivery are convincing themselves that they did nothing wrong by aggressively bullying the other women, including SLANDERING one of them, because villains never know they’re the bad guys. Moments later, Pizza Delivery is preparing to go to the rose ceremony and she’s sneering that the new women are going to try to get time with Matt James, but that they need to allow the “varsity squad” to go first.

At the rose ceremony itself, Matt James comes in with Serious Face and explains that someone — don’t worry about who — has brought it to his attention that there is a culture of bullying in the house and that it has become a toxic environment. He particularly wants to address some rumors that are floating around that have the potential to ruin someone’s life, and he wants all of them to know that the capacity to be this abusive is not something he’s looking for in a wife.

TEETH in this very moment:

Matt James then asks to speak to Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors. There, Rumors talks about how while she was excited she was to be on the show, she also came in knowing that she wasn’t going to be warmly received by the other women — and she wasn’t. But it was so much worse than she expected when out of nowhere TEETH started telling everyone she’s an escort. Rumors insists that it’s not true, but for fuck’s sake, this is a national television show, her mom will watch this, and crap like this could literally ruin her life back home.

Matt James apologizes that she is having to deal with this and laments that he is trying his best to make this a comfortable environment for all the women. He wants her to know that he is going to take this VERY SERIOUSLY, that he wants her to be able to come to him with the hard stuff, and that the reason she is still there is that he can envision a future with her.

Having confirmed the whole “TEETH is calling Rumors an escort” thing with Rumors herself, Matt James asks to speak to TEETH, who immediately drains of what little color she had.

There, TEETH tells Matt James that she needs him to know first and foremost that she is so sad and embarrassed by what she did. She then goes on to tell him that before she came on the show, she received some messages from people back home about another Chicago girl who was going to be on the show with her. And then when Rumors showed up, TEETH just blurted out the worst possible thing she could have said about Rumors at the moment.

TEETH claims that she regretted it immediately (she did not), that she apologized (she did not), and that she hated what it said about her as a person (she did not … until she was found out).

Matt James is like “yeah, see, the thing is, you broke her, you broke Rumors. When she came here she was bold and confident and when I pulled her aside just now, she broke down.”

TEETH insists that she feels soooo bad, in fact, she feels so terrible that she is literally breaking out in a rash. SO WHO’S THE REAL VICTIM HERE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT?

Matt James tells TEETH that she’s not a horrible person and that we’ve all done things that we’re not proud of. That said, he tells her like he’s talking to a high school student, adults have to take responsibility for their actions and to that end, TEETH has gots to go.


Matt James leads TEETH out to the Get Out of My Quarantine Bubble Van while she continues to try to cry. She is unsuccessful. 

Goodbye, TEETH. You won’t be missed.

As Matt James shoves TEETH out the door, Queen Asshole, Pizza Delivery, and pretty much every other woman in the house — with the exception of Dildo Queen and all the new women who know they’ve done nothing wrong — watch with a sense of dread:

And all of a sudden, women start gaining consciences all over the place, and there is a lot of apologizing going on. College Girl is promising to be more “open” to the other women while Queen Asshole suddenly realizes that she owes an apology to Miss Puerto Rico for yanking the crown off of her head. But don’t worry, Queen Asshole immediately undermines any goodwill by insisting that she wasn’t being “malicious” when she did so.

Meanwhile, Matt James is now chatting with Dinogirl who tells him that Queen Asshole called her a “ho” for being a dancer, and then laughed and laughed about it. Dinogirl tries to say that the word “ho” is … but begins crying before she can finish her thought.

But I’ll finish it for her: the word “ho” is profoundly hurtful, degrading, and loaded with racist implications. And listen, I don’t know if Queen Asshole is a racist, I don’t know what is in her heart, but it is NOT A GREAT LOOK for a White woman to call a woman of color a “ho” for any reason, full fucking stop.

After apologizing to Dinogirl for having to go through this, Matt James gives an interview where he seems genuinely disgusted by Queen Asshole’s behavior. He explains that he had no problem keeping her around at the producers’ behest for a few weeks because he thought she was ultimately harmless and could create some distracting drama while he figured out who he was most into had a good heart, but that there is no excuse for this behavior.

After her conversation with Matt James, Dinogirl tells Queen Asshole and Dildo Queen what they discussed, including the repeated toasts to “the OGs” that were made explicitly to make the new girls feel shitty. Queen Asshole insists that she was “always playful,” before telling Dinogirl that it makes her — meaning Dinogirl — look “fake” that she went and talked about Queen Asshole to Matt James. Dinogirl is like, “Wait, what? I’m the fake one in this scenario? … But … how?”

But she does not receive an answer because Queen Asshole storms off.

And it appears we have another bra strap violation on our hands, people.

And look, we’ve already issued a yellow card for the previous violation:

So I’m afraid, friends, that for this second assault on proper undergarments — I have no choice but to issue a straight-up red card for this:

As she storms off, Queen Asshole monologues that everything was going “literally perfectly” and that she is “the perfect person to be his wife” until these stupid bitches started “creating problems” when “everything was fine,” and she “[DOES] NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS ANNOYED,” but that SHE IS. UGH.

Girl, I don’t want to be this annoyed about your inability to find proper foundation garments, but here I am. Sit down.

Queen Asshole finds Matt James and takes him aside to talk. There, she tells him that she is SOOOOO impressed by what she said to the group and how he handled the whole situation. Also, she has a confession to make: she’s heard from the new women that the “OG cheers” were hurtful, and hey! she can admit it: there are things that she needs to work on!

Matt James is like, “Uh-huh. So, the thing is, until these things were brought to my attention by Dildo Queen …”


Queen Asshole:

“So, the thing is, until these things were brought to my attention by Dildo Queen, I had no idea that things in the house were so bad. I thought we had taken care of all the problems. But then, I had Dinogirl in here crying about being bullied, right after I heard similar stories from Rumors, and I can’t have this be an unsafe space. So when you called Dinogirl a ‘ho’ for being a dancer … ”

Queen Asshole is like, “UH, THAT WAS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT,” and Matt James, God bless him, is like, “So in what context is calling someone a ‘ho’ acceptable?”

With that non-answer, Matt James is like, “Yeah, OK, I have a lot to think about, goodbye.”

Queen Asshole is OUTRAGED. Is she MISSING SOMETHING HERE? She makes the house DELIGHTFUL, not TOXIC. She brings JOY, not PROBLEMS. THIS IS CRAZY TALK.

Chris Harrison arrives to inform the women that the cocktail portion of the evening is now over, Matt James doesn’t want to talk to any of them anymore, so line up.

Queen Asshole, realizing that this is not a fucking joke, storms off to the producers to have a meltdown that deserves its own spot in the Hall of Fame of Bachelor Meltdowns.

Some points Queen Asshole would like to be on the record:

  • She does not ever want to be called “toxic,” it pisses her off.

  • This isn’t funny anymore, she was, like, really beginning to take this seriously, you guys!
  • Literally, like who else is Matt James going to marry? She is obviously the best option available to him.
  • In fact, true story: she’s the only one with a working brain in this entire house. She’s not being rude, she’s just stating the actual facts.
  • She can not believe he might pick one of these idiots over her. If he does, welp, she guesses he’s not her person. His loss.
  • If she is sent home, she will LITERALLY — not figuratively — LITERALLY die.
  • She might throw up.

Somehow, through God only knows what means, the producers manage to talk her into going back inside and lining up with the rest of the women. 

As for the roses:

Rose #1: Rumors
Rose #2: Dinogirl
Rose #3: Veronica from Riverdale
Rose #4: Queen’s Gambit
Rose #5: Gorgeous
Rose #6: College Girl
Rose #7: Pizza Delivery

Rose #8: Doormat
Rose #9: Dildo Queen
Rose #10: First Impression Rose
Rose #11: The Model
Rose #12: Sexy Fish

Which means, my dears, we must say goodbye to Miss Puerto Rico, Pageant Reina, God First, and, yes, Queen Victoria.

The first three women manage to make their exits gracefully and not show their asses.

But not Queen Asshole! She marches up to Matt James, tells him he’s made a “huge mistake,” and that she “honestly feels sorry for [him] that he listened to ‘hearsay’ and not all of the facts. So, goodbye.” And she stomps off, again, without giving Matt James the traditional hug. THAT’LL SHOW HIM.

But she’s not done, not yet! She has some more points of order that she would like included in her Hall of Fame display:

  • Matt James is NOT her king, he’s merely a jester.
  • Frankly, she would be surprised if the other women are OK with her leaving, considering how much joy she brings to the house.

The next morning, Chris Harrison arrives and makes a mental health welfare check before dropping off the first date card of the week: “Veronica from Riverdale: Our fairy tale begins today. Matt James.”

Suddenly there’s this doofy butler in the room to lead Veronica from Riverdale to a waiting limo which in turn drives her to the resort gift shop where Matt James is waiting to “spoil” her.

Oh gross. It’s one of those Pretty Woman dates, you guys.

What that means is that she tries on a bunch of dresses while he drinks champagne and tries to pretend to be interested. She is then sent back to the hotel where the women are forced to sit and wait for her so that they can see her coming in carrying armloads of shopping bags and a new pair of Louboutins.

The other women:

And just when things are at a fever pitch of jealous, that doofy butler returns with a large present, which she has to open in front of everyone so as to reveal a blue ballgown that she is expected to wear to dinner that night.

Veronica from Riverdale:

Veronica from Riverdale, in her new blue ballgown, meets Matt James for the Pretend to Eat portion of the date, where they talk about how neither of them has ever been in love before, about their struggles with self-doubt, and how Matt James was drawn to her “subtlety.”

Veronica from Riverdale tells Matt James that she’s starting to fall in love with him … ~checks watch, sees that we are in Week 5~  … uh, OK, and Matt James returns the sentiment.



But, alas my dears, Matt James offers her the date rose, which suggests we are not moving directly to the proposal stage and like Puxatawny Phil predicted, we will have to endure five more weeks of this nonsense.

Back at the hotel, the women, now seething with unrestrained jealousy and increasing panic about how much time they are spending with Matt James, receive the group date card:

“Queen’s Gambit; First One Out of the Limo; Dildo Queen; Mrs. James; Sexy Fish; Dinogirls; Rumors; No Accent; Gorgeous; First Impression Rose; The Model; Doormat; and Pizza Delivery: Love can be messy.”

Which means … College Girl is going to have the final one-on-one? For real?

As for the group date, the producers decide to take full advantage of the resort’s petting zoo. Soon, the women are mucking stables, milking goats, chasing chickens, and some sort of event where they find themselves crawling around on all fours looking for a horseshoe or some shit. It’s so pointless, they don’t even bother explaining what’s happening because, honestly, who cares?

Two things that do happen of interest: 1. Matt James hurls an egg at Pizza Delivery from a considerable distance so it breaks as she catches it — which seems … a little aggressive-aggressive for him, even as a “joke?” And 2. Matt James makes a point of secretly making out with Mrs. James, and is seen by Pizza Delivery who declares it “uncomfortable.” I mean, OK, except that you are still one of FIFTEEN WOMEN dating the same guy, at some point you’re going to have to face the facts, girl.

That night at the cocktail party, women are TENSE. There might still be fifteen of them, but time is running short, and if they don’t make a connection with him soon…

The Model talks with him first and decides to spend her time telling him how awkward she is around boys, which he finds hard to believe. Also, this is the kind of thing that young women say that on the face of it sounds “self-deprecating” but it isn’t really? It’s not unlike when pretty women talk about what “nerds” they are to try to prove they have depth. What I’m saying is: hey, twenty-somethings? This isn’t as cute as you think it is. Just own your shit. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

First Impression Rose, who really hasn’t had a big moment with Matt James since that first night, takes him aside and tells him that her father left her family soon after she and her sister received their cochlear implants. She goes on to tell him that her biggest fear is to be a disappointment to someone, that the man she loves might not want to have a family with her because there is a significant chance her children will inherit her hearing impairment.

Matt James is clearly moved by this and tells her that he too was raised by a single mother, it’s what made him the man he is today. He assures her that he can see a future with her, and she is visibly relieved.

He also chats with No Accent who confesses that the group date was a hard letdown after the one-on-one date. Matt James assures her that he’s feeling what she’s feeling and that she did not misjudge their connection.

After having made some of the women feel better, Matt James stares meaningfully out a window, gazing out into the night, while explaining that the bullying situation is not entirely resolved and that there is one more person he needs to talk to about it: Pizza Delivery.


When he takes Pizza Delivery aside, Matt James tells her that her name came up in relation to the bullying of Rumors, that she was an “antagonist” in it. Pizza Delivery is SHOCKED. She insists that she would do no such thing and that she “leads by example” and strives to “make peace and harmony.”

But their conversation is cut short when Rumors herself interrupts to take some time with him.


Doormat — who is about to earn a new nickname — raises her hand and is like, “Matt James asked me about the culture of the house, so I told him about the ‘varsity’ and ‘JV’ crap, and I did mention your name.” Pizza Delivery insists that it was just a joke and that NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO QUESTION HER CHARACTER. But Doormat is like, “Yeah, and character is based on actions and behavior,” but Pizza Delivery insists her actions speak for themselves.

Doormat asks Pizza Delivery if she admitted to Matt James that she said these things, but Pizza Delivery is all, “I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MY RELATIONSHIP TO MATT JAMES TO ANYONE. I AM HERE TO LEAD BY EXAMPLE.” To which, Not-Such-A-Doormat-After-All is like, “Say ‘lead by example’ one more time.”

Pizza Delivery insists on an apology because she’s “the one being attacked right now,” to which Dildo Queen is like “TAG ME IN, NON-DOORMAT!” and begins telling Pizza Delivery that she’s deflecting and not being forthcoming with Matt James about her role in the bullying in the house. Pizza Delivery calls it all, “childish behavior,” and assures us that she’s not going to tolerate it ANY LONGER.                         

And then Matt James gives First Impression Rose the date rose because, seriously, who else was he going to give it to after that conversation about her insecurities about her hearing impairment, you know?

Finally, the one-on-one date with College Girl. The card reads: “College Girl: Dinner at my place?” College Girl becomes Very Emotional over this because she’s pretty sure it has something to do with cooking and that cooking with her mother is really important to her and Matt James knows that cooking with her mom is really important to her and it just makes her so happy he’d be so thoughtful about her feelings. He must really like her!

Orrrr … the producers came up with this date like they do all the others, but OK.

College Girl arrives at his house, where he explains they are going to make cookies, and she explains that having a famous mother and growing up in the “public eye” has made it difficult for her to fall in love?

It turns out, College Student’s mom is the fashion designer Cynthia Rowley which will either ring a bell or not, but yeah, she’s kinda famous and had a line at Target and has been a judge on America’s Next Top Model and Project Runway so she’s a pretty big deal in that ready-to-wear lane.

Anyway, College Girl and Matt James, they make cookies — which is not a euphemism — and he offers her the rose while she goes on about how she feared she’d never find a romantic partner. CHILD, YOU ARE TWENTY-ONE YEARS OLD. YOU HAVE ONLY BEGUN TO DATE.

The next day, the women receive a rare fourth date card: “Pizza Delivery and Doormat: I need to know the truth. Meet me at the cocktail party before the other women arrive. Matt James.”

Ahead of the rose ceremony, the two dramatically wheel their suitcases into the lobby of the hotel (although, don’t all of the women have to pack their suitcases ahead of each of the rose ceremonies?) and leave them there, all the while glaring at one another. They then drive to another location where they take their seats and wait for Matt James.

But first, Pizza Delivery has a few things to say: namely that this is EMBARRASSING, she is EMBARRASSED TO BE HERE. But here she is because Doormat had to go and say her name to Matt James when all Pizza Delivery wanted to do was preach “peace and harmony.” She is FURIOUS. SHE’S NEVER BEEN MORE FURIOUS IN HER LIFE. In fact, the person who should be embarrassed is Doormat, since they are both here for her actions.

But Not-Doormat, she has something to say, too, pointing out that the reason they are here is that Pizza Delivery was throwing around terms like “JV” and “varsity,” and Matt James, he’ll know the truth by the end of the night.

Pizza Delivery insists that she only knows she’s “preached harmony”  but Not-Doormat is like, “Or you were the leader of the divide in the house …” As Pizza Delivery yaps about Not-Doormat putting her “relationship” with Matt James in jeopardy, Not-Doormat is like, “The bottom line is you are a liar, and Matt James will know the whole truth when this airs.”


And that’s when Matt James arrives, but obviously, we have to wait for all that until next week.

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Matt and whose nicknames could change as the show goes on, I dunno:

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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