It is Tuesday, January 19, and in one day — 1! — Joe Biden will be President of the United States and Donald Trump will be just another Florida Man.
To quote Homer Simpson: “It’s funny ’cause it’s true.”
A few things before we start celebrating the end of this Goddamned nightmare. President Worst President Ever is still trying to pull some bullshit on his way out the door: this weekend, the My Pillow Guy swung by the White House and he had some notes. As captured by a photographer, said notes included: “martial law if necessary,” and moving a President Turd loyalist, Kash Patel, to the head of the C.I.A. While the move of Patel to the head of the C.I.A. didn’t happen, the dipshits in this administration are moving Michael Ellis, another President Dingus loyalist, into the general counsel position at the NSA — two days before the end of his term. This is some bullshit because it’s a position that would be difficult for the Biden administration to fire him from. But don’t worry, Nancy’s on it.
As for the My Pillow Guy, turns out being a seditious asshole has consequences: Dominion Voting Systems is threatening to sue him over his bullshit claims about voting fraud, and the My Pillow is being yoinked from store shelves, including at H-E-B, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Kohl’s, and Wayfair. Heartbreaking.
So, it looks like martial law isn’t going to be used, it’s unlikely that Biden and Harris will be arrested on the Capitol steps tomorrow contrary to Qanoners’ fever dreams, and the Trump’s crap has all been moved out of the White House. And these fuckers, somehow they are managing to leave more classlessly than they arrived. There will be no meeting between President Douchecanoe and Joe Biden before the ceremony; there will be no letter from an outgoing President to the incoming one, wishing him good luck in steering the country; there will be no tea and tour hosted by the current First Lady for the new First Lady. There will be no dignity befitting the office.
Instead, he’s going to slink off in the morning to Andrews Air Force Base where he wants “a big sendoff with lots of flair,” including uniformed military and a 21-gun salute and a fawning crowd. Problem is: they can’t find a crowd. Anthony Scaramucci, the former White House Communications Director who does not have kind things to say about President Goofus, reports that he received an invitation to the event, suggesting that the White House is desperate and mass emailing everyone.
.@Scaramucci come on, let’s go
— George Conway (@gtconway3d) January 18, 2021
Yes he is with me that morning having his fingernails pulled out. . . I can confirm. https://t.co/McPGOMxELK
— Anthony Scaramucci (@Scaramucci) January 19, 2021
CNN reports there have not been a lot of RSVPs, LOL.
Meanwhile, all over the country, White Supremacists who participated in the storming of the Capitol are being rounded up and arrested, including one lunatic who stole Nancy Pelosi’s laptop with a plan to sell it to the Russians, one asshole who threatened to kill his children if they snitched on him (they did so anyway), and the neo-Nazi conspiracy theorist known as “Baked Alaska” who was here in Houston for some damn reason.
And .. Mitch McConnell? On the Senate floor? Just admitted that the mob who stormed the Capitol was provoked by the President and “other powerful people.” 👀 👀 👀
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says Capitol insurrectionists were "provoked by the president and other powerful people." pic.twitter.com/6kqSlAJHky
— The Recount (@therecount) January 19, 2021
IS HE TALKING ABOUT TED CRUZ AND JOSH HAWLEY?
Because those fuckers need to get their treasonous asses out there and tell people that election fraud is The Big Lie and they were wrong to repeat it. Because these idiots still believe that President Snake Oil Salesman won and will remain in office.
Just for the shot at the end pic.twitter.com/dnjjxh4xcO
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) January 18, 2021
But he’s not! He’s leaving! And he’s leaving with the lowest Presidential approval rating over his presidency for any President since Gallup has been keeping track. I guess that’s what happens when you elect a baby President, America, it turns out, it could be terrible.
Finally, let’s say goodbye to bad trash with 79 stupid things he did during his term. It’s hard to choose which is my favorite: Throwing paper towels at hurricane survivors? Yo-Semite? Altering a hurricane map with a Sharpie? Saluting a North Korean general? The toilet paper on his shoe? Raking the forests? Ranting about toilet pressure? Buying Greenland? Tim Apple? Yelling at the kid mowing the lawn? Tiny desk?
It’s an embarrassment. I was going to say it’s an “embarrassment of riches” but let’s just cut to the chase: it’s a Goddamned embarrassment.
ONE MORE DAY, MOTHERFUCKER.
So, some weird stuff is going on with Armie Hammer right now, with a number of women coming forward with claims of some very darkly abusive behavior. He’s dismissing them as “bullshit claims” and it’s unclear if any of them can be verified. But it seems his team is taking the stories seriously enough to pull him out of a movie with Jennifer Lopez and send him into hiding with his ex-wife and kids for a while.
Laverne Cox has dropped out of producing an upcoming documentary, Sell/Buy/Date, based on a play by Sarah Jones after sex workers complained that Jones had co-opted their stories for her play.
Hey, Mr. Bean, no one has canceled you.
Hold up, Justin Bieber has left Hillsong Church? Well, then, that’s the end of that.
Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s drama continues. Her $100 million defamation case against him is moving forward, and they are dragging Disney and the LAPD into it.
Musician Ariel Pink was accused of physically and abusing a woman he was in a relationship with. He tried to file a restraining order against her, but it was denied on January 6 — the same day he went to Washington D.C. to attend Trump’s “Stop the Steal” rally, making him a hero on the right, and landing him an interview on Tucker Carlson’s show. OK.
Old episodes of MTV’s The Challenge are going to Netflix, but one episode, in which a number of female contestants bullied another by taking nude photos of her while she slept and then passed them around, will not be available. Related: What the fuck? TMZ says that the episode was from 2005 — and describes it as “a different time” — but when was this ever acceptable?
President-Elect Joe Biden and Vice President-Elect Kamala Harris are holding a ceremony at the Lincoln Memorial today to mourn the 400,000 Americans who have died of the virus, where they will illuminate 400 lights surrounding the reflection pond. This is what it feels like to have a leader who actually gives a shit, y’all. Meanwhile, President Get the Fuck Out Already, he’s trying to lift travel bans on his way out the door. Biden’s team has already said, “fuck that shit.”
Welp. There’s a variant of the virus that has been identified in California that might be resistant to the vaccines. More research is needed, but that won’t stop my panic from setting in, thanks. Still, it’s one more good reason to remind you to KEEP WEARING YOUR MASKS. And if fewer people dying isn’t incentive enough to wear a mask, how about this: if we all wore our masks and we reduced the infection and fatality rate, we could increase the GDP by $1 trillion by some estimates.
Rebekah Jones, the data scientist in Florida who was fired by the state when she put together the dashboard that reported accurate COVID numbers has now been arrested for “computer crimes.” She turned herself in and after posting bail revealed that she tested positive while in custody. Everything about this is super cool.
Disneyland Paris is delaying its reopening until at least April.
The SATs are doing away with the essay portion and the subject tests in an attempt to “streamline” the test in the wake of the virus.
SOMEONE CALL SYLVESTER TURNER.
All Other TV News
CBS All Access will officially become Paramount+ on March 4, so you have plenty of time to plan your renaming parties.
Alec Baldwin has left Twitter in the wake of his wife’s hilarious heritage controversy. Bye.
The director of Netflix’s limited series, Night Stalker, talks about the ethics of making a series about a serial killer. The series has come under fire from some viewers that it is too gory, and I understand that complaint, while simultaneously kinda feel like, “Well, what did you expect? It’s a show about a vicious, violent serial killer.” But I can report that the series does not focus on Richard Ramirez until the very end, instead humanizing the victims and their families. But yes, crime scene photos are involved, so be prepared.
This is very sweet:
I am so grateful to have been given the unexpected opportunity to revisit my character when he was still a symbol of hope & optimism.
Your assured direction & kindness was a crucial element in the experience & means more to me than I can say.#ThankYOU🙏 https://t.co/yNngOQdJRS
— Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) January 16, 2021
Sam Esmail’s conception of Battlestar Galactica for Peacock sounds like it will break TV conventions in really good ways — if he can get away with it.
Tandav, a Hindi series on Amazon, has lit a controversy in India, for its depiction of Hindu Gods and Goddesses.
RuPaul’s Drag Race is only now getting an Australian and New Zealand edition? What took so long? That’s the land of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert for crying out loud!
Documentaries are having a year: a record-breaking 240 films have been entered for consideration in the Oscars documentary category. The previous record had been 170 films.
Walt Disney, Frank Capra, Whitney Houston, Billie Holiday, Johnny Cash, and Alex Trebek have been added to the National Garden of American Heroes monument park that not only has not been built yet but doesn’t even have a designated site. And you should click on the link to see the full list of honorees that are supposed to have statues dedicated to them in this park. It’s … something.
- Saved by the Bell has been renewed for a second season at Peacock.
- Hapless, a comedy starring Tim Downie, has been picked up by ViacomCBS’s U.K. streaming service, My5.
- Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and Joe Cole have been cast in the leads of Against the Ice, a survival film on Netflix.
Mark Your Calendars
- All five seasons of The Muppet Show will begin streaming on Disney+ in February.
- Fate: The Winx Saga will premiere on Netflix on January 22.
- The Luminaries will premiere on Starz on February 14.
- Space Sweepers will premiere on Netflix on February 5.
- Sky Rojo will debut on Netflix on March 19.
- Mighty Express will return on Netflix on February 2.
- Discovery+ has announced release dates for their true-crime series.
- Finding Your Roots will return on PBS on January 19.
David Richardson, Showrunner and writer for a number of shows, including The Simpsons, Malcolm in the Middle, and F is for Family
Richard Lindheim, TV executive at NBC, Paramount, and Universal Studios who helped create The Equalizer, Frasier, Star Trek Voyager, Deep Space 9, and Miami Vice
Jean-Pierre Bacri, French actor and screenwriter
NCIS: McGee’s Bahamian vacation is ruined by a murder, BUT HEY, MAYBE MCGEE SHOULDN’T BE ON VACATION DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC. Winter premiere. 7 p.m., CBS
FBI: Most Wanted: The team looks for a young woman who has been radicalized by online conspiracy theories. HUH. TIMELY. Winter premiere. 9 p.m., CBS
Frontline: President Biden: A look at Joe Biden’s life, and the tragedy that has shaped him, as he heads into the crisis at hand. 9 p.m., PBS
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Dakota Johnson, Yara Shahidi, Tate McRae
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Rachel Maddow, Billie Piper, Sarah Thawer
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Jason Segel, Black Pumas
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Anthony Mackie, Machine Gun Kelly
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Casey Affleck, Rep. Adam Schiff, Jack Harlow
- The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
- Conan: Aubrey Plaza
- Watch What Happens Live: Evan Ross Katz, Sasha Morfaw, Samantha Bush, Danny Pellegrino
- A Little Late with Lily Singh: Craig Robinson
|ABC||Cinderella||Call Your Mother
|FBI: Most Wanted
|CW||Two Sentence Horror Stories
|Two Sentence Horror Stories
|NBC||Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist
|This Is Us