‘The Bachelorette’: Truth and consequences

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 16

The Bachelorette
December 8, 2020

We begin where we left off: with Tayshia calling American Psycho and Porn Stache out on their petty high school bullshit. Blah blah you called me a 14-year-old, blah blah I was just pointing out our age difference, blah.

Tayshia then notices the gift box and demands to know what’s inside and American Psycho is all  … “Uhhhh … a present? For … not you?” But instead of investigating further, Tayshia takes American Psycho aside to talk first. HOW DOES SHE STOP HERSELF FROM LOOKING INSIDE THE BOX???

The two go into the next room, where’s she keeps asking him if he’s “questioning [her] integrity,” and he’s all, “ABSOLUTELY NOT,” because she’s asking the wrong question. What she means is: “by wondering why I’ve kept Porn Stache around, are you questioning my intelligence and ability to make decisions?”  — a distinction at which she eventually arrives, but it takes her a painfully long time to make.

And when she does finally put it in those terms, American Psycho is deeply apologetic, but not before robotsplaining to her the concept of emotional intelligence and how he thinks Porn Stache lacks it.

Tayshia then talks to Porn Stache, where she explains that while she had an early connection with him, she’s concerned about all the drama he seems to be creating in the house.

Porn Stache is like, “Fair enough! But you really need to understand what a condescending asshole American Psycho is. Did you know he gave me a book on emotional intelligence? Can you believe that patronizing preppy android had the nerve to tell anyone else that they lacked emotional intelligence? And I worry that it’s just a matter of time before he is a demeaning shitbird to you, too.”

 

 

Porn Stache finds himself getting weirdly choked up over this conversation, and explains that he didn’t want to make a whole thing out of this, but felt that she should have all the information before she made her decision. 

As Tayshia leaves to think things over, Porn Stache rejoins American Psycho where he points out the hypocrisy of American Psycho lecturing him on emotional intelligence and self-awareness. Maybe, Porn Stache has come to realize, American Psycho lacks the self-awareness of just how condescending and demeaning he’s being.

American Psycho huffs that he is perfectly aware that he “carries [himself] differently,” before hissing that they should just let the best man win.

Tayshia returns and explains to American Psycho that he has made her feel special but that it worries her that he is so fucking condescending and that he questions her intelligence. Also, he has doll teeth. (You’ll never unsee it:)

And Tayshia explains to Porn Stache that though she has enjoyed getting to know him, she is worried that he’s not ready for marriage at the end of this. NO LIES DETECTED.

But she’s made her decision: American Psycho, go back to your Manhattan apartment, your designer suits, your Phil Collins, and your axes and tarps.

As Tayshia walks an incredulous American Psycho out to the Break Quarantine Van, he, like Eazy, asks if this “is really goodbye?” But his question is hardly loaded with the pathos as when Eazy’ asked, and let me explain why: when Eazy asked “is this real?” he had just been on a fun date with her and he had professed his love and he was expecting … well, not to be sent home.

But American Psycho here, he knew when he went into that 2-on-1 date that he was already in trouble with Tayshia, he knew he had a 50% chance of being sent home when he walked into that pool house. And yet his ego, completely diseased with narcissism, it can not process that she is rejecting him. Narcissistic Personality Disorder! It’s a thing, as any of us who have survived the past four years (and this past month in particular) can attest!

Anyway, he keeps protesting that he never questioned her integrity but she still shoves him into the Go Home Now Van, all the while worrying that she’s making the wrong decision.

GIRL, NO.

And so, goodbye, American Psycho. I admit you were entertaining … until you were not, and you revealed yourself to be EXACTLY who I thought you were just based on your ABC bio. Your time in the bubble is over. Enjoy life out in the Hamptons. And — and this part is very important — do not come back.

Tayshia returns to Porn Stache just as he ingests an ENTIRE box of Tic Tacs.

I am in no way exaggerating.

But Tayshia immediately puts him into his place: DO NOT BE SMILING RIGHT NOW. THIS IS NOT A VICTORY FOR YOU. YOU ARE GOING INTO THAT ROSE CEREMONY AND YOU BETTER HOPE I’M IN A BETTER MOOD BY THE END OF IT.

With that, the other men return and Porn Stache has to explain to them what just happened: American Psycho was sent home, but he did not receive the date rose, and he just blew through his entire stash of Tic Tacs. 🙁

Groany McBadJoke Esq. takes her aside first, and presents to her a dessert to celebrate their “one-week anniversary” of being girlfriend and boyfriend.

One of the Zacs presents to her a framed copy of one of their “wedding photos,” and then she makes out with Sukhasana, Bobby Fischer, and Bowtie — but not Porn Stache who gets zero extra time with her and is wringing his hands.

Tayshia then lines up the dummies and begins handing out the roses:

Rose #1: Bowtie
Rose #2: Groany
Rose #3: Grizzly
Rose #4: Bobby Fischer
Rose #5: Porn Stache

Which means we must say goodbye to: Bubble Boy and his thumb head; Parachute Guy who actually seemed really charming and I hope parachutes into Paradise; and Lunch Meat, making him the worst-performing First Impression Rose recipient of all time.*

Your time in the bubble is over, Bubble Boys. Enjoy life on the outside.

The next day, Jojo arrives to inform the men of two important pieces of information:

  1. Tayshia is falling in love
  2. Next week is hometowns

The men:

With that, she leaves the first of two one-on-one date cards: “Sukhasana: Falling in love is full of surprises. Love, Tayshisa.”

As Sukhasana leaves to prepare for his date, One of the Zacs is fixed on this idea of his parents being dragged into this mess and he becomes all teary, explaining to the other men that his parents are his “heroes,” and that bringing them into the bubble “changes the whole ball game.”

(But not really.)

On their date, Sukhasana and Tayshia are met by Jojo who arrives by scooter and explains that their date is something of a scavenger hunt around the resort which will also be via scooter. For some reason.

There are tennis balls in a kiddie pool, and they have to get into a fountain, forcing Sukhasana to shuck his pants, and then there are a bunch of piñatas, including a COVID piñata because the producers think they’re cute, and after bashing open almost all of the piñatas, Sukhasana just tears open the last one with his bare hands which I am pretty sure is not how you play piñata.

After all the games are done, Sukhasana and Tayshia share a bottle of rosé and chat a little, and it’s there that Tayshia tells Sukhasana that she feels like he’s holding back and not sharing enough with her and that he’s trying to be too perfect.

EXCUSE ME? The man just opened up about surviving an eating disorder on national television and you’re like, “Yeah, not good enough. More. MORE PAIN.” And then she has the gall to say in an interview that at this point, she doesn’t know if she can give him the date rose, she’ll have to wait and see if he will open up more.

And I know perfectly well that this is just some manipulative producer bullshit right here: someone who has more information about Sukhasana’s past told Tayshia that he’s holding back, that she needs him to open more, and she’s just parroting it for the cameras. But it’s a dangerous game because if you’re unaware that the producers are leading her through this narrative, it makes her come off unsympathetic and unlikeable. The man confessed that he struggled with bulimia for ten years — isn’t that enough? Doesn’t that explain his perfectionism? Doesn’t that explain the hurt she is accusing him of hiding?

But he reveals more, which is just what the producers wanted. Over dinner, Tayshia notes that she’s struggling to see who he really is, that he seems almost “too perfect” but that she knows he’s holding back. GUT YOURSELF. REND OPEN YOUR INNARDS AND EXPOSE YOUR DEEPEST HURT TO THE WORLD OR I SHALL ELIMINATE YOU FROM THIS TV DATING COMPETITION.

Sukhasana explains that he was raised in a home where they were expected to “look the part,” and that while he had everything he needed materially, he was left wanting emotionally. He joined the military at 18, but it didn’t work out for a number of reasons, not the least of which was that he broke his back. He found himself living in a city he couldn’t afford, completely lost in his path in life, and felt very much in the dark. This led to two failed suicide attempts, in 2018 and 2019, but his sister saved his life. His sister doesn’t know this, however, because he never wanted to burden or worry her, BUT I GUESS SHE’S GOING TO LEARN IT AT THE SAME TIME AS THE ENTIRE WORLD BECAUSE THE PRODUCERS TAYSHIA NEEDED HIM TO “OPEN UP MORE.”

Sukhasana also adds that he’s been through aggressive therapy, and that’s what has made him the man he is today. Can we add a requirement on all future Bachelor and Bachelorette applications that they have spent some time in therapy, please and thank you?

When Sukhasana notes that he doesn’t talk about these things with people because he’s afraid of burdening them with it, she assures him that she’s still there, and then offers him the date rose.

They then go dance to the musical stylings of someone named “Hambrick” — HAMBRICK — which I am only making fun of because WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A HEAVY, BUT VERY REAL, CONVERSATION ABOUT SOMEONE’S STRUGGLES WITH SUICIDAL DEPRESSION? And let me be very very clear here: it’s not that I think Sukhasana should have not talked about his experience with depression or suicide. I am proud of him for talking about such a painful moment in his life. I just feel like the way they dragged this out of him was the very definition of manipulative, and he should have been able to bring it up — OR NOT! — on his own fucking terms, not because some producer was sick of waiting around for him to say something.

By the way, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255, and it is available to anyone who is suicidal or in emotional distress or knows someone who is. Please reach out.

Meanwhile, the only group date card of the week is delivered: “One of the Zacs; Bowtie; Bobby Fischer; Porn Stache; and Groany McBadJoke, Esq.: The truth is, I’m falling in love. -Tayshia.” Which means: Grizzly Adams receives the week’s final one-on-one date, to One of the Zac’s pissiness even though HE JUST WENT ON A ONE-ON-ONE. Come on, dude.

Right, so the group heads to a room where they are met by Jojo, Tayshia, and a machine that is attached to a set of green, yellow and red light bulbs that they are calling a “polygraph machine.” Reader: this is not a polygraph machine. This is a set of lights that some producer on the other side of the wall is turning off and on based on information they have on these guys from their background checks and interviews.

But they’re going with this, and Jojo explains that each of the men will take a lie detector test in front of Tayshia and the group. If they are telling the truth, the green light will illuminate; a lie, the red light; and if the “polygraph” can’t determine whether it is the truth or a lie, the yellow light will turn on.

Tayshia goes first:

Q: Is she truly falling in love?
A: Yes

Q: Is she falling in love with more than one person?
A: Yes

Q: Does she regret sending anyone home?
A: No

Q: Does she think her husband is in the group of men who are left?
A: Yes

Bobby Fischer goes next:

Q: Have you ever been aroused while spending time with Tayshia?
A: EXCUSE ME? Yes

Q: Do you want children?
A: Yes

Porn Stache:

Q: Has anyone ever faked an orgasm with you?

And let’s just pause here to note that if they were any good at it, he would never know, but please proceed …

A: No

Q: Are you ready to meet Tayshia’s family?
A: Yes

Q: Do you miss your mustache?
A: No

Bowtie’s turn:

Q: Are you ready to propose to Tayshia?
A: I hope so.

[OBJECTION, YES OR NO ANSWERS ONLY.]

Q: Are you ready to meet her family?
A: Yes

Q: Are you ready for Tayshia to meet your family?
A: Yes

One of the Zacs:

Q: Have you ever cheated?
A: Yes

Tayshia: “HUFF.”

Q: Do you see yourself falling in love with Tayshia?
A: It might have already happened.

Finally, Groany. Jojo asks if he ever has his clients take lie detector tests, and he replies that he never does: they aren’t accurate. (Additionally, they’re not admissible in court, so).

Q: What is your name?
A: Devon Riley Christian

Everyone in the room:

Q: Do you see yourself falling in love with Tayshia?
A: Yes

Q: Are you ready for Tayshia to meet your family next week?
A: I want her to, but am I ready for it? I don’t know.

Hmm. Well. Hmm.

That night at the cocktail party, Tayshia arrives wearing what appears to be a white, strapless shorts romper — which is bad enough — but then there is  … a wedding train attached? and … absolutely not. Between her pushing Sukhasana to discuss his suicidal ideations on national television before he had an opportunity to discuss them with his family and now this fashion evolutionary dead end, I AM LOSING FAITH IN THIS BACHELORETTE. THAT OUTFIT SHOULD HAVE BEEN BURIED WITH STEPHANIE SEYMOUR IN THE “NOVEMBER RAIN” VIDEO.

Tayshia first takes One of the Zacs aside to talk about his troubling “cheating” revelation, noting that she will not date a cheater, after having her marriage end because her husband cheated on her. One of the Zacs comes back with this story about he did indeed cheat: it was the first love of his life, but then he met another girl … at the Bowl-A-Rama and kissed her and they were all in the 6TH GRADE. HA! FOOLED YOU.

And Tayshia, she buys this obvious pile of horseshit? I mean, I don’t doubt that he might have “cheated” on a middle school girlfriend, but if you think that is where his history of cheating begins and ends, and he didn’t use this as a convenient way of defeating the lie detector test … well, you, like Tayshia, are a sweet naive person who is probably going to be cheated on.

 

Tayshia also tells him that when he revealed that he was falling in love with her, she wanted to grab him and tell him that she was falling in love with him too. They then begin chewing on each others’ faces.

She also chats with Porn Stache and Bobby Fischer, who cares, they didn’t say anything interesting.

As for Bowtie, he explains that the yellow lights came on when he was asked about meeting the families because he’s anxious: his parents went through his divorce with him, and when he proposes again, he wants it to be the last time. Which: great! Fair answer! Totally understandable! But on the other hand, maybe this is something he needed to explore more on his own before joining the cast of a show where he might be expected to get engaged after two months. Just a thought!

Finally, there’s Groany, OR THAT’S WHAT HE SAYS HIS NAME IS. (Editorial note: He absolutely does not say that his name is “Groany McBadJoke, Esq.” which admittedly is a terrible nickname, but honestly, I thought he’d be home by now.)

When Groany has a moment with Tayshia, he explains that he was actually born Dwayne Henderson Jr. and was raised by his father, Dwayne Henderson Sr., who was his best friend for 22 years. But when he became an adult, they had a falling out. Around that same time, he reconnected with his mother and realized that by taking sole custody, his father took something away from his mother — and from himself. He worked on his relationship with his mom and he worked on himself and decided to legally change his name. He loves his father, but he’s not in his life.

Tayshia assures him that he is a good man and that he’s done nothing wrong and then they make out for a minute.

Conversations over, Tayshia sits all the men down and explains that she’s pulling a Clare that night, and not giving anyone the date rose. But not because she’s irritated with them, but because she needs more time to figure out who to give it to. Sorry! See you at the rose ceremony! Byeeee!

The men handle this remarkably well, considering it was this kind of nonsense that got the previously Bachelorette fired, BUT OK.

But then! As Tayshia heads back to her suite, she is confronted by American Psycho who has returned. NOPE. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO.

But she allows him into her suite, where he sits her down and explains that he’s spent all day going over his departure and he wants to tell her how sorry he is for making her think he questioned her integrity and intelligence and ability to make a decision.

— Real quick side note, though, and not to defend American Psycho here (because BOO THIS MAN, BOO), but Tayshia literally just left a group date without giving out a date rose because she couldn’t make a decision, which is her one job on this show.

Alright, carry on.

American Psycho claims that their goodbye was “so bizarre” that he could not fathom what had just happened. But it wasn’t until he had left that he realized he loved her.

NOPE. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO.

But Tayshia, whose intelligence, integrity, and decision-making ability I personally am beginning to question based on that outfit and letting American Psycho into her room in the first place, she seems to be buying this crap? She mumbles that she’s speechless, and that she hadn’t been planning on saying goodbye to him, and that she’s very confused right now, and that she needs the night to think about all of this.

Tayshia hugs him goodnight, and American Psycho goes in for a kiss because of course he goes in for a kiss, but she stops him and shows him the door.

She then explains to us in an interview that it’s been a long time since she’s heard the words “I love you” and that she knows American Psycho isn’t just saying them to say them.

GIRL.

And that she’s so confused. It didn’t feel right when she sent him home, and this is the kind of big gesture she has been wanting. What to do?!

GIRL, NO.

Again, not to diagnose him as I am not a psychiatrist, but American Psycho’s personality sure lines up with the classic traits of a narcissist. If the weeks following this election should teach us anything, it’s that someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder can not tolerate being a “loser” or failing, especially so publicly, and they will do anything — destroy democracy and a country’s faith in their electoral process, or tell someone they are in love with them, even when they clearly are not — to avoid that very fate.

In either instance:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Tayshia and Clare:

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The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Tayshia:

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* I mean, there’s Cam on Hannah’s season, but if you’ll remember, he received that rose on the After the Final Rose episode, when she met a few of the Bachelors, and Shower Jesus received the actual First Impression Rose on the first night, so, I’m not sure of Always Be Cam counts.

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesday at 7/8 p.m.

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