I am about to ruin your entire day with a picture of Rudy Giuliani. I apologize in advance.

Hello, Wednesday! I realize these intros are probably tired, but I honestly need them myself sometimes — I literally had to ask my kid what day it was a few hours ago. LOL EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE.

Political Crap

So what’s in today’s nonsense grab bag?

President FAKE NEWS walked out of an interview with 60 Minutes‘ Leslie Stahl after 45 minutes because he’s a sad little snowflake who can’t handle being confronted with his own failings. He then tweeted out a picture of her not wearing a mask in an attempt to embarrass her, which is just weird. And then he threatened to release the interview before 60 Minutes airs it, I guess to try to deflate their ratings, not realizing that all of this noise from him is just free promotion for Sunday’s episode because he’s a fucking maroon. TICK TOCK INDEED, ASSHOLE.

President Transparency also just tweeted out a photo of Leslie Stahl looking at his “healthcare plan” and … it’s literally blank:

President Petty is also scheming to cut coronavirus aid, HIV aid, nutrition aid, and aid for newborns for Blue cities.

The Tax Fraudster-in-Chief also has a secret Chinese bank account that he did not include in his financial disclosures for some completely mysterious reason, and it turns out he paid more in taxes there than here. Also, in 2017, the account took in a whopping and unprecedented $17.5 million, $15 million of which President Crook withdrew. There is no indication where this money came from. So, yeah, tell me more about how Joe Biden is corrupted by China.

But, he’s also urging the Pentagon to fast-track a very lucrative 5G contract that would benefit Karl Rove and a bunch of other GOPers. How’s that swamp-draining going?

ALSO, The Trump Organization received permission to build a new golf course in Scotland which is funny because I am old enough to remember the company taking a vow to not do any foreign deals while he was in the White House.

And then there is the Rudy Giuliani story. I apologize in advance for what I’m about to do to your eyeballs.

So, that photo of Giuliani lying on a hotel bed and fumbling around in his pants is a still from the upcoming Borat movie and SPOILER ALERT: it’s really really really bad for him. From The Guardian:

In the film, released on Friday, the former New York mayor and current personal attorney to Donald Trump is seen reaching into his trousers and apparently touching his genitals while reclining on a bed in the presence of the actor playing Borat’s daughter, who is posing as a TV journalist.

Following an obsequious interview for a fake conservative news programme, the pair retreat at her suggestion for a drink to the bedroom of a hotel suite, which is rigged with concealed cameras.

After she removes his microphone, Giuliani, 76, can be seen lying back on the bed, fiddling with his untucked shirt and reaching into his trousers. They are then interrupted by Borat who runs in and says: “She’s 15. She’s too old for you.”

OH.

Even before he reaches into his trousers, Giuliani does not appear to acquit himself especially impressively during the encounter. Flattered and flirtatious, he drinks scotch, coughs, fails to socially distance and claims Trump’s speedy actions in the spring saved a million Americans from dying of Covid. He also agrees – in theory at least – to eat a bat with his interviewer.

HE AGREED TO EAT A BAT.

Here’s the thing. This man is one of the lawyers for the President of the United States, the same man who is trying to peddle conspiracy theories about Hunter Biden that intelligence officials have all but confirmed is Russian disinformation. And here he is being compromised by a comedian. Just think how gullible the person in this photo has to be to find himself in this situation to begin with, and then consider what a real kompromat operation might be able to do to him. What might Russia or China or Iran or Turkey or Saudi Arabia or North Korea have on the President’s personal attorney?

Lordy. And here I thought the Jeffrey Toobin story would be the messiest sex scandal to break this week.

Going Viral

According to Worldometers as of today, 226,000 Americans have died of this virus, and we are hitting 60,000+ positive cases a day.

But that’s not the whole story, because according to the CDC, almost 300,000 more Americans are dead compared to a normal year. Most of those are obviously directly related to the virus, but there are also deaths that were probably caused by the virus but not officially recorded that way, or deaths caused by people not being able to receive medical treatment for other issues because hospitals were overrun. And lest you think it’s just old people (as if that’s acceptable in any event, Dan Patrick) the group with the most deaths this year compared to others is the 25-44-year-olds, whose excess death numbers are up 26.5% this year. Terrifying.

But sure! Let’s get Big Ten football going again! “Ann Arbor, Mich., home to the University of Michigan, issued an emergency stay-at-home order Tuesday for the college, effective until Nov. 3. The university allowed students to return to campus this fall with bans on large gatherings and mandatory mask wearing. Athletics were exempt from Tuesday’s stay-at-home order.” YEP. SEEMS FAIR.

Ryan Seacrest is fine you guys. After being off-air for two days while he awaited his testing results, he came back negative.

The Second Wave, a pandemic-themed drama from Robert and Michelle King — the creators of The Good Wife and Evil — has been given a straight-to-series order at Spectrum.

This guy goes to a taping of a wrestling event in these times and reports back to you.

The Los Angeles Philharmonic has canceled all concerts until June at the earliest.

California announced their theme park reopening restrictions, and Disney is having a tantrum over it. LISTEN.

All Other TV News

Apple TV+ is hoarding the Peanuts specials. It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown will not be on network TV for the first time in decades. You can watch it for free on Apple TV+ between October 30-November 1, but it’s just not the same.

The American Horror Story Murder House owners are monetizing their investment: for $25 bucks you can watch a 24-hour live stream of the house and do your own remote ghost hunt.

The director of Leaving Neverland is trying to film a sequel and is being held up by all sorts of legal shenanigans by the Jackson estate.

You can finally watch Quibi on your streaming devices like Fire TV, Apple TV, and Android TV. Is it too little too late?

Dolly Parton made Stephen Colbert cry last night because we’re ALL A LITTLE STRESSED RIGHT NOW.

Imagine being a network and losing one of your biggest talents because you couldn’t be fucked to give them a ticket to the theme park you owned. Damn, Disney.

Are you enjoying the Unsolved Mysteries reboot as much as I am? If so, there will be a weekly podcast coming out next year.

This is an interesting piece about how disabled contestants are underrepresented in cooking competition series, pointing to Houston’s own Christine Ha as one of the few to make it on-screen. (And you should go to — or order from — her restaurant The Blind Goat, if you are here in town, it’s quite good.) Of course, the issue of the lack of disabled contestants isn’t limited to cooking competitions — it could easily be said about any reality show.

Renewals

  • Archer has been renewed for a 12th season on FXX.

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

  • Manx will debut on Netflix on December 4.

  • In Wonder will premiere on Netflix on December 4.

  • 9-1-1; 9-1-1: Lone Star; The Resident and Prodigal Son will return on Fox in January.

  • The Good Doctor returns on ABC on November 2.

  • Animaniacs is back on Hulu on November 20.

  • Eater’s Guide to the World will premiere on Hulu on November 11.

  • Virgin River will return on Netflix on November 27.

  • Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team will return on CMT on November 15.

  • Braxton Family Values returns on WEtv on November 5.

  • Real Life Nightmare will return on HLN on November 8.

  • The Life Ahead will premiere on Netflix on November 13.

  • Earth’s Great Seasons will debut on BBCA on November 7.

  • El Cid will debut on Amazon soon.

R.I.P.

Tony Lewis, Lead singer of The Outpost

Spencer Davis, Lead of The Spencer Davis Group

WATCH THIS

My Next Guest Needs No Introduction With David Letterman: David Letterman visits with Kim Kardashian West, Robert Downey Jr., Dave Chappelle, and Lizzo. Season premiere. Netflix

537 Votes: A documentary about the 2000 election and recount because those of us who lived through that HAVEN’T BEEN TRAUMATIZED ENOUGH APPARENTLY. Jesus. Please go vote early. 8 p.m., HBO

The Goldbergs: The family goes to Miami for vacation in the season premiere. 7 p.m., ABC

The Conners: The family deals with the pandemic and money woes. But you know, funny! Season premiere. 8 p.m., ABC

black-ish: Dre tries to convince people that he’s an essential worker in the season premiere. 8:30 p.m., ABC

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Anthony Mackie, Lily James, Black Thought featuring Portugal. The Man and The Last Artful, Dodgr
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Sen. Cory Booker, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, Todd Sucherman
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Bruce Springsteen
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Bill Gates, the Head and the Heart
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Tracee Ellis Ross, Eric Andre, Tate McRae
  • The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
  • Watch What Happens Live: Braunwyn Windham-Burke, Glennon Doyle

WEDS. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Goldbergs
(new)
The Conners
(new)
black-ish
(new)
The Con
(new)
CBS Big Brother
(new)
The Amazing Race
(new)
S.W.A.T.
(repeat)
CW Devils
(new)
Coroner
(new)
Local
FOX World Series
(live)
News/Local
NBC The Wall
(new)
American Ninja Warrior
(new)

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