The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“First Impressions, True Confessions”
April 29, 2020
We begin the episode with a lot of puttering: Dorit yelling at her insufferable husband for working — or “working” — from the hot tub; Rinna freaking out about a cell phone tower in her backyard; Kyle returning home to balloon bouquets and announcing that they will be hosting a dinner party for 16 people the next night (as if that’s even a big deal when you hire professional caterers and servers, BUT OK).
Rehearsing for her big Broadway debut, Erika swings by her vocal coach’s home — which is a very nice place. How much do vocal coaches make again? There, her coach urges her to remember some of the first times she performed for people, and it turns into practically a full-blown therapy session with Erika telling a story about hearing her mother laugh at her during a 6th-grade singing performance. Then Vocal Coach has to talk Erika down off the ledge which I am sure was not what he had intended.
Elsewhere, Rinna and Teddi meet Sutton at a Southern-themed restaurant, assuming she’ll love it since she’s from the South instead of recognizing the huge gamble this is. Displaced Southerners do not think it’s cute when non-Southerners fuck with their food, and don’t even get me started on paying $30 for fried chicken. (Of course all of this is a moot point: you actually think any of these women actually eat anything?)
While Rinna and Teddi wait for Sutton to arrive, they chat for a bit about Rinna’s daughter Amelia’s situation, and how she’s back at home now — a choice Teddi disagrees with but keeps to herself.
Sutton arrives, and after some chit chat about the gift bags she gave them at her boutique opening — gift bags that included clutch purses worth $1900 because SURE WHY NOT — Sutton asks Teddi about her personal training business. Teddi explains that she has had an explosion of business: she used to only have 40 clients, and now “10,000 lives have been changed. It happened quickly.”
OH? OH DID IT? DID IT HAPPEN QUICKLY? HUH. WHY DO YOU THINK?
Sutton asks what time she wants the women to be at her retreat that Friday, and Teddi, Ms. Laid Back, assures her anytime is totally fine. Whatever works for them! And really! They don’t have to come if they don’t want to come! It’s fine! IT’S FINE!
Sutton is offended, again, and insists that she IS coming and she hopes Teddi gives a shit that she’s coming OTHERWISE WHY IS SHE GOING? Sutton huffs that she, for one, would NEVER tell someone she invited to something that she wouldn’t care if they came or not.
Sutton, then doubling down on the aggressive assholery, offers to write Teddi a note with what to say to her guests: “I’d love for you to come, but if you can’t be there, I understand.” Which is polite, but also not what Teddi is trying to get across to the other women. And DON’T MAKE ME DEFEND TEDDI BECAUSE I FIND HER SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS INFURIATING. But I get what she means here: she invited everyone on the chance they might want to attend, but she doesn’t want anyone to feel pressured to attend, she doesn’t want it to be an obligation.
And, again, the unsaid thing here is that the only reason any of these women are on these shows and open their lives up to this scrunity is for the free publicity for their side hustles. The reason Teddi’s clientele has gone from 40 to 10,000 is that she is on this dumb show, and every one of the cast members understands that it is IMPORTANT to her business that they film at the retreat — even if they don’t actually want to go to said retreat. But they have to if they want her to attend whatever dumb event they stage to sell whatever bullshit they are selling. It’s all so weird and gross and is never openly discussed and it drives me fucking crazy.
ANYWAY.
So, then it’s Kyle’s big dinner party. Everyone gets ready, which involves Kyle freaking out over “pedestrian” votive holders; Rinna talking about how she tried going vegan for a while but it fucked up her shoulder (literally no idea what she’s talking about); and Mauricio revealing that he’s been “partaking” before dinner — and can you honestly blame him? I, for one, can not.
Teddi and Her Husband Whosit are the first to arrive, to the surprise of Dorit who now lives down the street from Kyle and Mauricio, just giving her more fodder for her “Teddi Has Her Nose Up Kyle’s Ass” file.
Erika and Rinna serve as each other’s dates, giggling and drinking in the car on the way there and can you honestly blame them? I, for one, can not.
Denise and Aaron also arrive, Denise moving a little bit slower as she’s still recovering from her surgery. Kyle asks her how she got the hernias in the first place: Was it from all that sex they’ve been having?
Sutton arrives with her friend Michael, wearing a “ready-to-wear” Dolce and Gabbana dress, dismissing it with an “Oh this old thing” response when the women ask her about it. Teddi, bless her, is like, “wait … what’s ‘ready-to-wear’?” And Rinna and Erika have to explain that Teddi doesn’t need to worry about it, Sutton’s just being a snobby asshole.
Also in attendance: The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick and Justin, Kyle’s LadySitter who we have not seen since when? the first season maybe?
Garcelle flounces in wearing a giant tulle skirt, asking faceoutiously if it was too much, knowing perfectly well that it’s just enough.
When it’s time to sit down for dinner, Sutton has another panic attack when she realizes there are no place cards. She explains she doesn’t want it to turn into “Mean Girls” with no one wanting to sit next to her. MAYBE DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE NO ONE WANTS TO SIT NEXT TO, THEN.
And sure enough, everyone sits down at the table in whichever seats and Sutton blares, “I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN THERE IS NOWHERE FOR ME TO SIT,” even though that is categorically untrue. But Kyle has to kick Teddi’s husband WhateverHisNameIs out of his seat and banish him to the boys’ side of the table so that Sutton can sit where she wants. It’s very dumb and probably planned.
Food is served, and Kyle makes a big speech about how much it means to her that her family loves her so much to buy her balloon bouquets. Garcelle asks if Mauricio is getting some that night, and Kyle replies that it’s always “readily available.” And Sutton blanches: THAT IS NOT DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION.
This puts everyone on edge so Rinna suggests a game: they will go around the table and you have to say what your first impression of the person next to you was, and what you think of them now. Yes! Fun! What could POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
Kyle begins with Garcelle: She didn’t know how FABULOUS she was; Garcelle to Rinna: Who the Hell is that bitch because she owned the place as soon as she walked in; Rinna to Erika: Oh my God I’m scared of this woman because she’s so fucking fabulous; Erika to Dorit: I could not understand anything you said but have come to know you and how kind and sweet you are; Dorit to Denise: You’re just one of the most genuine people I’ve ever connected with; Denise to Sutton: I was intimidated by you because of your sense of fashion but you’re so down to earth.
As Sutton correctly puts it: “My first impression of you was that you were so pretty … and now I think…”
Then it’s Sutton’s turn, and this is how you know this whole damn thing was staged, because Kyle seated her next to Teddi. Sutton warns everyone that she’s going to be honest and then explains that she first thought Teddi was going to be “a little boring … that was my first impression. And then pregnant? And I was like, ‘UGH, GOD HELP US.'”
Actual reactions:
Sutton adds that Teddi turned out to be more interesting than she had thought, but DAMAGE DONE. Teddi notes that Sutton is coming after her again, and Sutton insists that she’s sorry if she offended Teddi, but that it’s strange to tell people that you don’t care if they come to a thing that you’ve invited them to.
Teddi, on the verge of tears, points out that Rinna said she was happy she didn’t have to go to the retreat, and Garcelle said she didn’t want to go, and IF SUTTON DOESN’T WANT TO GO SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO. ALSO, SHE IS PREGNANT SO CUT HER SOME DAMN SLACK.
With that Teddi leaves the table to compose herself and complain to Kyle that it’s frustrating to be so excited about something — something that people are paying good money to experience — and then to deal with these women shitting all over it (I mean, she didn’t say this exactly, but that’s the gist). IF THEY DON’T WANT TO GO THEY DON’T HAVE TO GO.
Teddi returns to the table and Sutton tries to apologize for “offending her” but Teddi’s like, “BITCH, THIS IS THE THIRD NIGHT IN A ROW YOU’VE COME FOR ME.” And God knows I hate to defend Teddi, but she’s not wrong here.
The conversation switches gears, and directs its focus on Denise and Aaron when Kyle asks Aaron what, exactly, is his quackery all about? Denise warns him to “be careful,” but Aaron, God bless him, lets fly: Everything we know about disease is wrong; we can split atoms with sound; something about living near a nuclear facility when he was 12; oscillating frequencies; electrocmagnetic frequencies; to heal you must break down “stuff”; fusion energy; he healed his ruptured Achilles tendon this one time without surgery; cancer is in everyone right now all the time; cancer is actually protecting you from your own immune system which otherwise would kill you in 12 hours.
Everyone at the table:
Oh, and also, what he knows is so dangerous to the status quo that he is being followed by someone — Big Pharma, probably. And sure as shit, we have footage of Denise and Aaron driving somewhere and commenting on suspicious cars in the neighborhood.
MORE OF THIS, PLEASE.
They then move on to guessing the sex of Teddi’s boring baby — it’s a girl — and with that out of the way, Denise excuses herself: she’s not feeling well and she’s got a bunch of Big Pharma agents to dodge on her way home, so, you know, long night.
The other women, save for boring pregnant Teddi, do Fireball shots, which is always just a good idea. After Teddi leaves, Sutton talks to Kyle and Dorit, and announces that she will not be attending Teddi’s retreat: Teddi made it perfectly clear she doesn’t want her to be there, and while she knows they need to work through it, she’d prefer to work through it when they’re not boxing.
A couple of days later, Kyle goes to Sutton’s house for brunch where she asks if Sutton feels like she was being bullied at her house. Sutton replies that actually, she’s just really confused: she was saying only positive and nice things about Teddi and she has nothing to apologize for.
Sutton then declares that Teddi was VERY RUDE when she told her to not come to her retreat, but Kyle’s all, “you heard wrong.” Kyle offers that Sutton could come with her just for the day — she will be going down for one day and then returning home that night since she will be going back to North Carolina soon. Sutton sighs that she just doesn’t understand why Teddi dislikes her so much and Kyle’s all, “Bitch please.” Sutton agrees that she’ll go and wonders if she should give Teddi the heads-up that she’s coming.
Elsewhere, Teddi vents to Erika about Sutton’s attack, and how going after her for being pregnant really struck a nerve. Teddi then tells Erika that she only wants people at the retreat who want to be there, and Erika’s like, “Well, you should tell her not to come then,” and Teddi’s like, “I already did,” before flatly saying that she doesn’t want Sutton to be at the retreat, just to make it perfectly. fucking. clear.
Hope Sutton knows how to throw a right hook.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.