Hey, now it’s Thursday.
I’m having a sort of a bummer of a day, so no cute animals today. Instead, I’m going to start with this very dark, but very hilarious video BoingBoing posted explaining the COVID crisis through Monty Python’s Caerbannog. Trust me, this is genius:
Jerry Jones, you fucking idiot, someone needs to edit you into the video above. Seems the owner of the Cowboys is insisting that games will be played in front of fans. Live. In the stadium. Which holds 80,000 people. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG IN A STATE STILL IN A HARD SURGE OF CASES AND DEATHS?
I mean, let’s leave aside the question of whether anyone in Texas in any sort of leadership position actually wants to slow down this surge, what between the go-ahead to have in-person schooling, and now some sort of insistence on gathering hundreds? thousands? tens of thousands? of fans in a stadium together. And let’s leave aside the questionable safety of the players engaging in a full-contact sport during a pandemic that has already damaged some players’ hearts (how many players will die from this? how many is an acceptable number for the owners’ bottom line?)
Leaving ALL OF THAT aside, just … why? Why? This is not necessary! There are workable alternatives to having teams travel around the country and playing games in packed stadiums that will still allow people to have their precious football. Have these people literally learned nothing from the success of the NBA playing in a bubble? There is a thing that works, and it involves isolating the players in a single location and playing without fans. OR! ALTERNATIVELY! HOW ABOUT WE MOVE THE SEASON TO THE SPRING WHEN WE MIGHT HAVE A VACCINE? CAN’T WE JUST WAIT A FEW MORE MONTHS FOR SOME FOOTBALL? FOOTBALL THAT EVERYONE CAN ENJOY SAFELY?
The Cowboys’ first game at home will be on September 20. Their first game will be in Los Angeles where, by the way, they also happen to be undergoing a surge of cases and deaths. Let’s hope the Rams’ ownership is smarter than the Cowboys’.
AMC Theaters are celebrating their 100th anniversary next week with ¢15 tickets. LOL, NO THANKS. They still think Tenet is going to have sneak previews here! in the United States! THESE United States on August 31.
Is this really so goddamned hard?
Sam Fender live in Newcastle tonight – the first socially distanced large scale concert. Very civilised. Seems to work. 600 pens with 5 family/friends per pen. Sensible loo/bar/food arrangements. It’s the future! And least for the foreseeable…… pic.twitter.com/WN0NJsyCXc
— Brian Ham (@_BrianHam) August 11, 2020
American Ninja Warrior will be back with a shortened season on NBC beginning September 7. There will be only 8 episodes thanks to the pandemic (and maybe thanks to one of the competitors having to be edited out on account of being a sex monster). What is also notable about this is that it means The Voice will not be returning in September as American Ninja Warrior is in its Monday slot for at least 8 weeks. NBC hopes The Voice will be able to return later in the fall. WE WILL SEE.
The Walking Dead/Frank Darabont lawsuit has been pushed back to April thanks to the virus. At this rate, the lawsuit will outlast the show — which has outlasted pretty much everything else you can think of.
There is a bunch of coronavirus-themed shows headed our way, but will anyone want to watch them?
Let’s just make a new category for political news. We have another three months to
suffer get through, and this way, if you hate reading my political takes, you can just scroll right past this, yes?
First of all, President Election Thief has announced, out loud, that he is deliberately starving the post office so as to kneecap mail-in voting. In an interview with Fox Business host Maria Bartiromo, he said:
““[The Democrats] want three and a half billion dollars for something that’ll turn out to be fraudulent — that’s election money basically. They want $3.5 billion for the mail-in votes. Universal mail-in ballots. They want $25 billion—billion—for the post office. Now they need that money in order to have post office work so it can take all of these millions and millions of ballots,” he said. “Those are just two items. But if you don’t get those two items, that means you can’t have universal mail-in voting. Because they’re not equipped to have it.”
“Now, if we don’t make a deal, that means they don’t get the money,” Trump said later on. “That means they can’t have universal mail-in voting. They just can’t have it.”
And then here’s economic adviser Larry Kudlow saying the obvious thing out loud: they don’t want people to have voting rights:
! Larry Kudlow today: "So much of the Democratic asks are really liberal left wishlists we don't want to have — voting rights, and aid to aliens, and so forth. That's not our game."
— Jeff Stein (@JStein_WaPo) August 13, 2020
HAVE A PLAN TO VOTE.
The completely predictable attacks on Kamala Harris are here, and they are rooted in ~checks notes~ sexism and racism! How surprising.
Jenna Ellis, a senior legal advisor for President “You Have to Treat Them Like Shit,” compared Kamala Harris’ voice to Marge Simpson:
Kamala sounds like Marge Simpson.
— Jenna Ellis (@JennaEllisEsq) August 12, 2020
Marge Simpson the capable woman who always has to clean up the mess made by Homer Simpson and her son Bart became the Chief Justice, her daughter the President of USA that Marge Simpson ??? #MargeSimpson #TheSimpsons pic.twitter.com/rYHxZNtlod
— Ahsan Zaheer (@ahsanmeister) August 13, 2020
And then Newsweek, for reasons that I can not even begin to fathom, ran an editorial written by a man who ran against Kamala Harris for California Attorney General, suggesting that she’s not a citizen of the United States. THAT’S RIGHT, BIRTHERISM IS BACK, BABIES! Because at root, for some white Americans if you’re Black and have immigrant parents, you’ll never really be an American in their eyes. I am not a Constitutional scholar, but my husband who is a lawyer and also has a Masters in American Legal History assures me that the argument made here is absolute garbage and that Newsweek should be ashamed of themselves for running it.
It is beyond disgusting that @Newsweek has allowed its pages to be used as the opening shot of birtherism 2.0. I have been embarrassed by many things my former employer has done and become, but this is the first time I have seen racism appear in its pages. In the *office*, yes. https://t.co/YLQuWwuTeX
— Kurt Eichenwald (@kurteichenwald) August 12, 2020
Newsweek has responded by claiming it’s not Birtherism, it’s just asking questions, but come the actual fuck on.
Meanwhile, over at Fox News, it’s ALL HANDS ON DECK:
Jeannine Pirro suggested that “something’s going to happen” to Joe Biden and he won’t be on the ticket in November. As Pajiba correctly points out, this isn’t about a death threat against Uncle Joe, it’s a dog whistle. Something might happen to the White man, she’s telling her viewers, and then what? A BLACK WOMAN WILL BECOME PRESIDENT?!? THE HORROR.
Tucker Carlson went on a rant about Kamala Harris being dangerous or something while wishing SO HARD the VP pick could have been Susan Rice so that Fox News could relitigate the Benghazi controversy. A guest noted that Tucker was mispronouncing her name, to which Carlson’s response was, “so what?” Coooooool.
Tucker Carlson loses it when a guest corrects his pronunciation of Kamala Harris's name pic.twitter.com/1fHIrPGuwN
— nikki mccann ramírez (@NikkiMcR) August 12, 2020
While Trump and Fox News portray Kamala Harris as a radical liberal who is to the left of Bernie Sanders, Fox News anchor Chris Wallace corrects the record:
"But, you know, she is not far to the left despite what Republicans are going to try to say." pic.twitter.com/0ZFQnDDqHn
— Justin Baragona (@justinbaragona) August 12, 2020
All Other TV News
This is a very strange mystery in which a young Black producer on Discovery’s Gold Rush went missing while filming the series two years ago. The production company has suggested he had a breakdown and ran off into the woods on his own; his family suspects foul play.
Larry Wilmore confirms the “Diversity Day,” episode of The Office could never get made today, and that there was plenty they had to leave out of the final cut. NO DOUBT.
Here are the first three minutes of RuPaul’s Drag Race: Vegas Revue, the only thing that might get me through this pandemic:
I don’t know if you’ve explored Peacock at all, but one of their best features is their “channels” which is basically a way to effortlessly binge anything from Hell’s Kitchen to Late Night with Seth Meyers to my personal favorite: classic episodes of Unsolved Mysteries. I put it on and just eat them up like popcorn. Here, Pajiba has made a helpful list of all the famous people who were featured on the classic series.
LmmmmffaaOOOOOOOO😩😂Yooo you is funny https://t.co/GstXMUBk37
— iamcardib (@iamcardib) August 13, 2020
This is an interesting question: who was the first disabled character you saw on TV?
- McDonalds + Dodds has been renewed for a second season on ITV.
- General’s Row, a military drama about a female general, is being developed at NBC.
- One of Us is Lying, a young adult mystery series, is being made at Peacock.
- Jade City, a fantasy series, is in the works at Peacock.
- An animated Harriet the Spy is in development at Apple TV+. Beanie Feldstein will voice Harriet.
- The Tiny Chef Show has been greenlit at Nickelodeon.
- Undercover, a Korean crime drama, is in the works at Nickelodeon.
- Lace, a legal drama, has been ordered at BET+.
- Olivia Munn is in talks to sign with a relaunch of the G4 network.
- Hank Steinberg has signed an overall deal with Sony Pictures Television.
- Jonathan Pryce is your new Prince Phillip.
- Dr. Ian Smith is your new host of The Doctors this season.
Mark Your Calendars
- The Devil All the Time will premiere on Netflix on September 16. It looks intense (and has a great cast).
- Unpregnant will debut on HBO Max on September 10.
- The Goes Wrong Show will debut on Amazon on August 15.
- Pure will debut on HBO Max on August 27.
- HA Comedy Festival: The Art of Comedy will premiere on HBO Max on August 20.
- Million Dollar Beach House will premiere on Netflix on August 26.
- High Score will debut on Netflix on August 19.
- Mulan will be available on Disney+ for $29.99 on September 4.
- Magic Of Disney’s Animal Kingdom will debut on Disney+ on September 25.
- Transplant will premiere on NBC on September 1.
- The Babysitter: Killer Queen will debut on Netflix on September 10.
Coronavirus and the Classroom: NBC News explores how we can all navigate returning back-to-school in this unprecedented year. 7 p.m., NBC
Selena + Chef: Selena Gomez cooks meals at home with the assistance of world-renowned chefs in this new cooking show. HBO Max
Five Bedrooms: In this Australian comedy, five singles meet at a wedding and decide to buy a house together. Series premiere. Peacock
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Seth Meyers, Burna Boy
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Paula Pell, John Lutz
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Paula Pell, John Lutz
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Jason Sudeikis, Tori Kelly
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Dawes, guest host Rob Lowe
- The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
- Watch What Happens Live: Rachael Harris, Sonja Morgan
|To Tell the Truth
|Penn & Teller: Fool Us
|NBC||NBC News Special: Coronavirus and the Classroom
|Ellen’s Game of Games
|Law & Order: SVU