‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: A Near Beth Experience

The Real Housewives of New York
“Jesus, The Countess, and Joseph”
June 27, 2019

Admit it: you thought I’d given up (again) on recapping a year-old season of The Real Housewives of New York City, didn’t you? WELL, I DID NOT. I just happened to have been someplace with very limited internet for a while and was unable to do anything about it. BUT I AM BACK, BABIES, to recap the final episode of the previous season of RHONY jut as the current season speeds towards its own finale. LISTEN, I AM DOING MY BEST.

Our last episode of the season begins with The Countess arriving at her cabaret venue to inspect the Christmas set and giving her approval. What she does NOT approve of is Ramona letting it be known that she will not be attending the performance in favor of the surprise party she’s hosting for Dorinda and Sonja. A party that Ramona KNEW GOOD AND WELL would be held on the same day as The Countess’ cabaret. It’s almost like she definitely did it on purpose because absolutely no one wanted to attend another cabaret performance and serve as The Countess’ audience because get enough already.

Speaking of Sonja and Dorinda, those two get some “cool sculpting” done in what I am sure was not some sort of quid pro quo with the participating dermatologist. While they freeze their flanks, they discuss the mystery that is Tinsley Mortimer and her relationship with Scott. Dorinda and Sonja are preeeeety sure Scott is financially supporting Tinsley even though they supposedly broke up BECAUSE WHERE ELSE COULD HER MONEY BE COMING FROM?

And leaving aside the fact that I heard of Tinsley Mortimer YEARS before I ever heard of any of these women as she’s been a socialite for 20+ years now and this ain’t her first reality show, and leaving aside the fact that she clearly comes from a very wealthy family, and leaving aside that in Miami, her sister made it clear that Tinsley is not the only Mercer girl who lives a lavish lifestyle while not holding down some sort of job, leaving all that aside, IT IS NONE OF DORINDA AND SONJA’S DAMN BUSINESS WHERE TINSLEY’S MONEY IS COMING FROM.

But that doesn’t stop Sonja from noting, somewhat prophetically, that in this town you can only get away with bullshit for two years, and her two years are up.

As for someone with a real problem, Bethenny, looking like death boiled over, crawls into bed and calls Sonja to tell her about her shit weekend. While she was in Boston visiting The Boyfriend, she had some miso soup that sent her into anaphylactic shock. Bethenny is no joke deathly allergic to fish, and while miso soup typically does not contain fish, this one happened to have some bonito flakes in it. By the time she realized her hands were swelling, asked The Boyfriend to fetch her Benadryl, and he brought it back to her, she had passed out. He managed to get the Benadryl down her throat and call 911. In the ambulance, they had to intubate her, and told her had they waited five more minutes she would have died. She spent two days in the ICU.

So no, she’s not going to The Countess’s stupid Christmas cabaret, or to the stupid unnecessary surprise party — she will be lucky if she attends the party she herself is hosting.

Then it’s time for The Countess’ big Christmas cabaret show. And before we get into all that, let’s very briefly touch upon the poster for this event:

WHY IS SHE SNEERING AT US? I CAN ACTUALLY HEAR HER GROWLING IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH, YOU GUYS.

Alright, so, The Countess is backstage getting ready for her show, which she knows the other women are not going to attend (aside from Barbara who literally has nothing better to do), but she does anticipate that they are going to stop by and say their hellos before going to Ramona’s party.

And they do! Well, three of them (plus Barbara) do. Sonja, Dorinda, and Tinsley show up to the venue and dither around the merch table (where, if one was so inclined, one could purchase one of The Countess’ tacky statement necklaces, a “Money Can’t Buy You Class” t-shirt or a prayer candle depicting her as a saint for the low, low price of $30).

(Another quick parenthetical: I don’t know if this item was available at the show, but you can also buy an autographed copy of the snarling photo for $50. Don’t think I didn’t spend a long, dark moment wondering if I could purchase it and write it off on my taxes as a business expense. However, I came to the conclusion that it would be more difficult to explain this to my husband than to the IRS, and backed away from her merchandise site.)

So, they stand around for a while, waiting for The Countess to come out so they can pay their respects and get on with their lives, until Sonja is like, “fuck this, I’m going to go back there and see what the deal is.”

Sonja ventures backstage, explains to The Countess that Dorinda, Tinsley, and Barbara are there, reminds her that the plan was they’d stop by and say hello before her show and then move on to Ramona’s event, to which The Countess responds, “WHERE’S BETHENNY?” Sonja, exasperated with The Countess’ obsession with Bethenny replies in an interview: “You were on the text chain, bitch, you know she nearly died.”

While Sonja does that, Dorinda makes some awkward conversation with Tinsley about her frozen dog, which does not help the weird, out-of-nowhere definitely-not-just-fabricated-to-give-the-show-some-conflict tension between Tinsley and Dorinda.

Sonja then returns and declares that they are all welcome to go backstage to say hello, even Barabara.

Barbara:

They all tromp backstage where The Countess is still having her hair worked on, and she’s all, “HI, THANKS FOR THE FLOWERS, NOW GET THE HELL OUT,” explaining in an interview that people who are not “in the business” don’t understand that one must be mentally prepared before one goes on stage. After all, parents aren’t allowed backstage before a school play. (This is actually a lie, as I personally spent entirely too much of my time backstage before my kids’ school plays helping organize third graders.)

Anyway, her point is made and they’re all like, “Welp since it’s clear you don’t want us here, we will excuse ourselves DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU HAD A TANTRUM ABOUT US NOT BEING HERE but what the fuck ever. We’re out, goodbye.”

And then in the car, they all agree that The Countess doesn’t want them to be her friend, she wants them to be her audience.

As for The Countess’s show, the best part of it was not the Jovani reference wedged in to “Jingle Bells” but instead Barbara’s commentary to some anonymous person about how The Countess wasn’t going to be a solo act, on account of her not having a particularly good voice.

Across town, Ramona arrives at the restaurant where she is hosting the party for Dorinda and Sonja, and immediately begins haranguing the manager: there are not enough candles, there are too many chairs, WHERE ARE THE BALLOONS? WHERE IS THE WINE? WHERE ARE THE CAKES?

Ramona explains that this isn’t one of her giant 60-100 person parties, she only invited Dorinda and Sonja’s closest friends because she wanted it to be more intimate. Fudgie and Hannah are in attendance, and Ramona shoves them all into a wine closet to jump out and surprise Dorinda as they walk in.

And Dorinda is surprised and delighted! Sonja less so since that bridge troll Barbara ruined the surprise party for her. But nevertheless, it’s the rare sweet moment in which Ramona did something nice for someone else and the fact that it was entirely planned to be a “fuck you” to The Countess’ cabaret show? Only makes it sweeter.

However, the sweetness quickly comes to an end when Tinsley tries to talk to Dorinda about the weird animosity between them. Soon, Ramona, Sonja, and Dorinda are all questioning Tinsley about her relationship with Scott, and how she affords $2,000 dresses and $10,000 bags. Tinsley, understandably feeling ganged up on — BECAUSE, AGAIN, IT’S NOT ANY OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS — takes her leave in a huff, and I do not blame her.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ANY OF THOSE BIDDIES, TINSLEY.

The next day is Bethenny’s “S’Mores and Whores” party, setting feminism back a solid 20, 25 years, but ok, fun. Dorinda and Bethenny sport ridiculous Sexxxy Mrs. Claus outfits, Ramona wears lingerie, Sonja forgets her pants, and Tinsley and The Countess are the only ones in attendance who dress like they might have plans afterward.

On the way to her party, Bethenny has some curious thoughts on her near-death experience, that it was Dennis trying to pull her to the other side? Or something? Which alright, but that would be a weird way for a ghost to kill someone — certainly an elaborate way. In any event, she’s decided that she is done with Dennis and she is ready to move on with her life and not think about him anymore. I’m sure The Boyfriend who actually saved her life will be relieved to hear this.

At the actual party, The Countess arrives late, as usual, and sneers that Bethenny looks terrific and hardly like someone who had a valid excuse to miss her cabaret show nearly died; Tinsley confronts Dorinda and orders her to NEVER TALK TO HER ABOUT SCOTT AGAIN!

Dorinda:

… and Bethenny, feeling sorry for Sonja having her surprise party ruined, arranges for Sonja to be accosted by the male strippers she hired for the party. Also, Ramona eats oysters in a completely inappropriately sexual way, but the less said about that, the better.

Then they attack a piñata filled with sex toys, and are groped by strippers. The end.

Well, except for the “Where Are They Now” still shots:

ALRIGHT. ONTO THE REUNION, DAHLINGS.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.