Of all the things you could and should be outraged by — COVID-19, racism, Russia, treason — a ‘Princess Bride’ remake ain’t one of them.

We’re friends, so I’m not going to pull a Kelly Ripa or Meghan McCain on you and lie about where I am while I am writing this. A few weeks ago, my husband and I decided that we were sick to death of our house and that we could just as easily do our jobs from a cabin in the woods, and made plans to escape Houston for a bit. We rented the place before weeks before Houston became one of the country’s worst COVID-19 hotspots, and left town literally on the day when our idiot governor looked around and realized he’d really shit the bed on this one and tried to pull back his reopen orders — sorta. Kinda. But not entirely, and certainly not enough.

So I am writing this from a place of admitted relief for my own family’s safety but ABSOLUTE RAGE at my state and country’s complete lack of leadership on this. After managing to avoid an outbreak through shut-down orders and mask mandates, our state leadership flipped the table Teresa Giudice-style, opening everything back up — restaurants, bars, tattoo parlors, bowling alleys, EVERYTHING — and blocking local leadership from issuing mask orders. And now here we are.

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(AND DO NOT COME AT ME ABOUT THE PROTESTS BEING THE CAUSE OF OUR SPIKE: there were protests all over the country, but it is the states where the governors reopened too quickly that are seeing the increase of cases, maybe because they allowed masses of people to congregate in air-conditioned spaces without masks. IT IS NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND.)

As a result, I’m a little salty about what’s going on around the country and all these dumbasses who announced that they were going to reopen movie theaters and theme parks and concerts. So, you know, pardon my tone. OR DON’T. I DON’T CARE. JUST WEAR A MASK.

ALSO, OUR PRESIDENT IS A TRAITOR WHO IS LOOKING THE OTHER WAY WHILE RUSSIA PUTS BOUNTIES ON OUR SOLDIERS HEADS AND SOMEHOW WE ARE NOT STRINGING HIM UP BY HIS TOES ALREADY EXCUSE ME I AM GOING TO GO SCREAM IN THE WOODS FOR A BIT.

Oh, the July 17 reopening of Disneyland has been postponed? GEE, WHY? Now, what about that July 11 reopening of Disney World seeing that Florida’s COVID numbers have risen FIVE FOLD in two weeks? Hmm? Any thoughts?

Broadway has extended its shutdown through January of 2021.

Let me get this straight: Las Vegas and Reno reopened their indoor, air-conditioned casinos that are designed to hold hundreds of thousands, and where people are constantly touching cards, chips and slot machines and Nevada DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A MASK ORDER IN PLACE UNTIL NOW?

Oh, but don’t worry, British movie-goers, you won’t have to wear masks, and why should you?

Herd Immunity Fest — yes, that was the actual name of an actual music festival in Wisconsin — has decided to rebrand for some reason. But they’re still planning on holding it, so I guess the people in charge remain stupid.

Sundance Film Festival has announced it will be “reimagined” this year.

The NFL has canceled the Pro Football Hall of Fame game. They swear that the rest of the season will proceed normally. We’ll see.

The Kentucky Derby will happen on September 1-5 with fans under “strict social distancing” orders. We’ll see.

Hey, remember that country singer, Chase Rice, that one of the Bachelor contestants had to admit she had dated after the show sent her and the Bachelor on a date to his concert? Yeah, he just had a totally packed concert in Tennessee this weekend. Another singer, someone named Chris Janson, had an outdoor concert in Idaho where no one was wearing masks. Great job, everyone.

This is interesting: Sony animation thinks that one longer-lasting effects of COVID-19 in their business will be the return of R- and PG-13-rated animated movies.

Quibi is making a remake of The Princess Bride featuring a bunch of stars filming from home including: Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner, Common and Tiffany Haddish, Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka, and Chris Pine and Annabelle Wallis, along with Hugh Jackman, Jennifer Garner, Elijah Wood, Jon Hamm, Beanie Feldstein, Lucas Hedges, Jenna Ortega, Jack Black, David Oyelowo, Keegan-Michael Key, Patton Oswalt, Josh Gad, Andy Serkis, Diego Luna, Taika Waititi and Zazie Beetz and more.

But it’s not a straight-forward remake — it’s going to be broken up into short bits (or “quick bites” if you will), roles will be gender-reversed, LEGOs might be involved — it’s a loving homage more than a “remake,” so everyone can CALM DOWN ALREADY. Also, it’s raising money for José Andrés’ charity World Central Kitchen so it’s for a good cause.

The Bachelorette is going to start filming “soon” in a quarantined location. GOOD LUCK, EVERYONE!

Showtime has picked up We Hunt Together, a BBC drama to help fill its virus-hit schedule.

Martha Stewart is making a new show for HGTV called Martha Knows Best, where she wanders around her farm and does chores during the shutdown.

And Jaime Oliver’s Channel 4 show, Jamie: Keep Cooking And Carry On, is coming to Hulu.

BBC is trying to figure out how to make their ballroom dancing show, Strictly Dancing, work.

Disney has set their Comic-Con virtual panels with Bob’s Burgers, Family Guy, The Simpsons, NeXt, and Hoop. Helstrom, Solar Opposites, and Crossing Swords will be participating from Hulu.

Pinewood Studios, a studio in Atlanta, has come up with their production safety plan for when filming begins again in Georgia.

That said, resuming production is going to be a hard, expensive proposition. Good luck, everyone!

Advertising revenue for U.S. media has plummeted 31% because of the lack of sports. Ouch.

Here’s the Fleabag/Normal People crossover/fundraiser you didn’t know you needed:

Catchphrase will be ITV’s first show to be filmed following lockdown.

The Democrats are scaling back their convention in Milwaukee, putting it in a smaller venue and adding many more virtual events.

Meanwhile, President CobwebBrain is making a new push to repeal the Affordable Care Act in the middle of a deadly pandemic and an economic recession.

Black is King will debut on Disney+ on July 31. Beyoncé is donating proceeds from the songs on the visual album to her BeyGOOD initiative to help Black-owned businesses hit hard in Houston during the COVID-19 outbreak. She is my queen.

Black Lives Matter

The BET Awards were last night and unsurprisingly, Black Lives Matter was featured at the forefront of the ceremony.

While I was traveling across the country, a bunch of shows made some changes:

You’ll be shocked to learn that people are SO MAD about some of these changes. Oh well, too bad.

Colin Kaepernick and Ana DuVernay are making a show about his life for Netflix.

Wait, you’re telling me a middle-aged white lady has some anti-Black Lives Matter feelings? (I’m not dismissing people’s anger over this, just expressing my complete lack of surprise.)

Anthony Mackie is calling out Marvel for its lack of diversity.

Oprah is hosting OWN Spotlight: Oprah and 100 Black Fathers on OWN tomorrow night.

Ken Burns thinks your Confederate statues are bullshit.

Wait, wait, WAIT. Van Jones — “radical” Van Jones who was chased out of his Obama administration job for being too liberal — has been working with Jared “Haunted Doll” Kushner on the White House’s weak-ass Executive Order on police reform all along and then COMMENTING on his own work on CNN as if he had nothing to do with it? Of course, I don’t know why I’m surprised. This is the same idiot who declared after President Turdburger’s first State of the Union address that, “He became President of the United States in that moment, period.” So, in retrospect, this all makes perfect sense.

President White Nationalist tweeted a video of one of his elderly supporters yelling “White power!” and then Ivanka stole his phone and deleted the tweet. None of this is surprising.

All Other TV News

Hamilton is going to be available on Disney+ later this week. Here’s a very interesting piece about how it was made and why it is coming to streaming at this moment in time (because COVID-19).

The Lord of the Rings series has put out a casting call for actors who have “facial burns, long skinny limbs, acne scars, deep cheekbones, a bulbous or interesting nose, ears that stick out, facial lines, missing bones, large eyes, skinny faces, and more.” They are also looking for “androgynous men and women, hairy people of all ages and ethnicities, circus performers who can juggle, stocky mean-looking bikers, and red heads of all ages, shapes, and sizes.”

Variety is hosting a virtual Better Call Saul cast conversation if you want to sit in on it.

The estate of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is suing Netflix over an upcoming movie Enola Holmes, about Sherlock Holmes’ sister.

Wait, Philip Seymour Hoffman was offered the role of Michael on The Office? AS WAS PAUL GIAMATTI? Listen. Look. Both men are (were) great actors, but absolutely not.

It’s looking more likely Joy Reid will be filling Chris Matthews’ old MSNBC time slot.

FuboTV just signed a deal with Disney to offer EPSN on its streaming services, making it a decent service for sports fans.

Stephen Root is one of the greatest character actors of our time. Fight me.

The creator of the cult British sitcom, The IT Crowd, has been banned from Twitter after making a bunch of transphobic tweets.

Nazis ruin everything.

But hey, at least NASA is doing something awesome and renaming their headquarters in D.C. after Mary W. Jackson.

Renewals

Cancellations

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendar

  • The Handmaid’s Tale will return on Hulu sometime in 2021.
  • Little Voice will premiere on Apple TV+ on July 10.
  • Muppets Now will debut on Disney+ on July 31.
  • Expecting Amy will debut on HBO Max on July 9.
  • Stateless will debut on Netflix on July 8.
  • Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist will return on NBC in 2021.

R.I.P.

Lee Crystal, Executive Producer of PBS NewsHour

Linda Cristal, Actress on The High Chaparral and General Hospital among others

Stuart Cornfeld, Producer of Zoolander and Tropic Thunder

Kelly Asbury, Director of Shrek 2 and Spirit: Stallion Of The Cimmaron

Charles Webb, Author of The Graduate

Milton Glaser, Designer, creator of the iconic I ♥ NY logo among others

WATCH THIS

Kids, Race and Unity: A Nick News Special: Alicia Keys hosts this special that will feature the Black Lives Matters leaders answering kids questions from real kids, and offer constructive ideas for families on how to have conversations about race and inclusivity. 6 p.m., NIckelodeon

Cannonball: I don’t know, it’s some sort of “water competition” hosted by The Miz — who I remember best from The Real World, but who apparently became a wrestler? Anyway, it is going to be on USA, but NBC is desperate for content ANY CONTENT and is debuting it here. 9 p.m., NBC

Steel Magnolias: DRINK YOUR JUICE, SHELBY! 8 p.m., LMN

MON. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart
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CBS The Neighbor-hood
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Bob Hearts Abishola
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CW Whose Line is it Anyway?
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Penn & Teller: Fool Us
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Local
FOX 9-1-1
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9-1-1: Lone Star
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News/Local
NBC The Titan Games
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The Wall
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