The Real Housewives of New York
“Life is Not a Cabaret”
June 12, 2019
It’s the morning after Ramona’s man-juggling party, and Bethenny is teasing Tinsley about the guy she tried to set her up with. It would seem that Tinsley did actually talk to him and didn’t hide from him for the remainder of the party like the overgrown seventh grader that she is, and he suggested they meet for a drink later. Oh, also, he’s 60, which I know is not THAT much older than Tinsley at 42 or whatever she is, but I’m a couple of years older than Tinsley and my father is in his 60s and the idea of dating someone 60 or older just supergrosses me out. Nothankyouplease.
Bethenny is also concerned about Sonja who, despite making a point that she was not going to drink heavily at the party, drank heavily at the party. Bethenny’s tipping point was when Sonja stomped on a glass coffee table, breaking a wine glass and very nearly breaking the table.
Concerned that Sonja needs to slow it down, Bethenny goes to the bedroom Sonja shares with Ramona and lays out her concerns. And Sonja is a little defensive, as many people might be in that situation, but she listens to Bethenny and agrees that she needs to moderate her drinking.
But then The Countess decides to join the conversation.
The Countess tsks that she hopes this is a wakeup call for Sonja and then insists that she come with her to that morning’s AA meeting. Bethenny urges Sonja to go with The Countess, and though Sonja is irritated with The Countess for being all judgy, she agrees to go to make Bethenny happy.
Downstairs, Tinsley is thinking about texting the 60-year-old when Ramona comes in and is like, “Say, who was that hot 60-year-old at the party last night? He’s just my type and by ‘my type,’ I mean male and breathing.”
Tinsley informs Ramona that 60-Year-Old is off-limits to her, orders Ramona to stick with having her face eaten by Harry the Ex, and then shows everyone the gross gross so gross TMZ shot of Ramona and Harry the Ex making out which was DEFINITELY not staged for the cameras to create show drama WHY would you even think that COME ON.
Sonja comes downstairs looking fabulous for the AA meeting, and The Countess is like, “ABSOLUTELY NOT. TOO FABULOUS. PUT ON A T-SHIRT.” So Sonja borrows a t-shirt from Dorinda and throws on some white jeans, only to be irritated when The Countess puts on a dress with a coochie-high slit.
MEANWHILE, Barbara is moping around the kitchen until Bethenny takes notice and is like, “And what the fuck is wrong with you?” Barbara is all, “WELL, I’M GLAD YOU ASKED. I don’t feel like part of the group and sometimes y’all aren’t nice to me.” Everyone — literally all of them — are like, “Then quit being such a Debbie Downer, geez,” and The Countess, who is ostensibly Barbara’s best (only) friend in this group is all, “Lighten the fuck up. Alright! I’m off to my meeting, good luck!”
While The Countess and Sonja are at their meeting, the other women go to a hotel to hang out in a poolside cabana, drink champagne and eat truffle fries. And they are living their best lives … until The Countess and Sonja join them.
In the car on the way to the hotel, Sonja is processing what she just heard at the meeting and talking to The Countess about how the stories of people losing everything to addiction bum her out because she knows there’s nothing she can do to help them. It didn’t make Sonja reflect on her own issues but instead left her feeling hopeless and deeply sad.
The Countess: “Cool. So what did you think of my
The pair arrive at the cabana, and Sonja Loses. Her. Shit.
“WHY IS EVERYTHING WET? THIS IS TERRIBLE. LOOK AT THIS WATER BOTTLE JUST SITTING HERE BEING A WATER BOTTLE! THIS IS GROSS. THIS IS SO GROSS! I CAN’T DO THIS. ARE WE REALLY GOING TO EAT HERE? WHY? THERE IS WATER EVERYWHERE! MY DAUGHTER’S FATHER IS GOING TO DIE SOON AND SOMETIMES I HAVE TO TAKE THE SUBWAY AND I SEE HOMELESS PEOPLE AND THEY ARE SAD AND THEY MAKE ME SAD AND THEY WERE AT THE COUNTESS’ MEETING AND WHY ARE THERE SO MANY WATER BOTTLES IN THIS CABANA?!”
Bethenny, Ramona, and Dorinda realize that Sonja, for whatever reason, is having a panic attack and decide they should just take this whole shitshow back to the house. To that end, Bethenny requests the food they just ordered be put into takeout containers and they gather their things.
Well, most of them do. The Countess decides that actually, she’s going to go to the beach, G’BYEEEEEEE! See you back at the house in a few hours!
The group returns to the house and Sonja is in a better headspace immediately. As they unpack the food, they realize the prized truffle fries didn’t make it, and Ramona texts The Countess, asking her to pick up the truffle fries and bring them with her when she returns to the house.
Go ahead and guess what happens with that. I’ll sit here and wait.
Instead of picking up the truffle fries and joining the group, The Countess leaves the hotel and goes for a walk that just happens to take her past a theater that just happens to have her cabaret poster on display outside.
I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE. LOOK AT HER:
Back at the house, Ramona tells the other women about The Countess theorizing that the other women are jealous of her cabaret success, which strikes everyone as HI-LARIOUS. They realize that they have three masseuses coming to the house to give everyone massages before dinner and if they time it right, they could make sure The Countess doesn’t receive a massage, or at the very least, she is the last to receive one, which will drive her insane. A PLAN IS AFOOT!
TWO HOURS LATER, The Countess returns to the house sans truffle fries. There, she tangles with Sonja who explains that she didn’t even want to go to the stupid meeting, it left her emotionally wrecked, and she only attended to please Bethenny. The Countess is irritated with Sonja’s negativity: WHY DOES SONJA HAVE TO BE SO NEGATIVE ABOUT EVERYTHING THE COUNTESS CARES ABOUT? And then Sonja has the audacity to claim that she’s not an attention whore the way The Countess is.
Girl, I beg to differ.
The spat ends with Sonja calling The Countess a “good diva,” whatever the hell that means, and they part ways for massages and to get their hair did.
Meanwhile, Bethenny has arranged for Tinsley to meet up with 60-Year-Old at the bar where the group will have dinner that night. Tinsley leaves, and then the rest of the group follows her there about an hour later.
Except! The Countess is nowhere to be found when its time to load up. Ramona, feeling a little guilty, goes to check on her and finds that The Countess is still getting ready because she was LAST to get a MASSAGE and by the time she got one, THE HAIRDRESSERS HAD LEFT. And Ramona is like, “too bad, so sad, let’s go.”
Bethenny, Dorinda, Sonja, and Barbara load up into one car, which according to Sonja has the air conditioning on too high, which “makes [her] poop.”
And Ramona and The Countess drive in silence in another.
When the first car arrives, the group catches Tinsley kissing the 60-Year-Old, and tease her about it, and she admits that she is a “kissing slut.”
Again, she is an overgrown seventh-grader.
The group sits down, and The Countess starts whinging about how STRESSED she is because she was the LAST ONE to get a massage and there were people coming in and out of her room EVERY FIVE SECONDS.
The other women:
They ask her where she was all day, and she explains that she was at the beach, and then she stopped by the Fillmore Theater to see her poster and take a photo with it. “HUH,” the other women say.
As cocktails arrive, Barbara announces that she has something that she wants to get off of her chest, and explains to The Countess that she might not remember or maybe would prefer to just not acknowledge it, but that Barbara put her life on hold for her when she went into rehab, and she doesn’t feel like The Countess has had her back in return. The Countess gasps, and goes to Barbara to give her a hug and promises that she IS there for her.
Bethenny grumbles that The Countess is trying to silence Barbara, and The Countess takes umbrage and sits back down. Barbara goes on to explain that she doesn’t feel like she’s engaged in the group because she has to spend so much time taking care of The Countess.
Feeling ganged up on, The Countess insists that this is not her fault, and Tinsley (who had a head start on the cocktails thanks to her date with 60-Year-Old) slurs that The Countess never stands up for Barbara or protects her.
The Countess mocks her.
And everyone — EVERYONE — is like “OH ABSOLUTELY NOT.”
The Countess, realizing that she was being an asshole, tries to back up, but it’s too late. Her assholeness towards Tinsley triggers something in Bethenny who FUCKING SNAPS. Bethenny tells The Countess that she’s insufferable and that she is completely oblivious to her friends’ suffering, like Sonja at the hotel earlier in the day.
The Countess huffs that she just went to the beach, before accusing Bethenny and the other women of “building women up just to tear them down,” and being bullies. Bethenny can not believe what she is hearing and demands to know when the last time The Countess asked her about Dennis and show Bethenny was doing in the aftermath of his death. The Countess insists that she asks her how’s she’s doing all the time. Bethenny. Is. Flabbergasted.
Bethenny accuses the Countess of “dining out” on her sobriety. This utterly infuriates The Countess who hisses that Bethenny’s charity “B Strong” should really be called “Be Bully Strong” which isn’t as pithy as saying that the “B” in “B Strong” clearly stands for “Bully,” but close enough, I guess.
Bethenny, now becoming fully hysterical, reminds The Countess that Dennis helped her in her darkest moment, and Bethenny did her intervention, and The Countess has NOT ONCE asked Bethenny how she is doing AFTER HER BOYFRIEND DIED OF AN OVERDOSE. “LIFE IS NOT A CABARET,” Bethenny screams at The Countess at one point, adding that NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO HER STUPID CABARET EVERY NIGHT.
Bethenny continues, yelling that THE COUNTESS IS A SICKO, and it’s ALL ABOUT THE COUNTESS, that the reason SHE DIDN’T GET THE MASSAGE WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO BUSY ADMIRING HER DUMB POSTER. Meanwhile, Ramona is beginning to cry, noting that it was so sad that The Countess just isn’t hearing what they are all telling her.
Bethenny reminds The Countess that she SENT LAWYERS TO HER HOUSE ON A SUNDAY (and as a lawyer’s wife, I’m here to say that 1. house calls are EXTREMELY rare and 2. certainly NOT ON A SUNDAY — whatever it is, that shit can wait until Monday), that SHE SPOKE TO THE COUNTESS’ CHILDREN, SHE SAT IN THE DRIVEWAY TO MAKE SURE THE COUNTESS DIDN’T GET IN HER CAR AND DRIVE DRUNK AND KILL HER FRIENDS, THAT SHE STOPPED HER RUNNING IN A FIELD IN HER NEGLIGEE AND MADE SURE THAT SHE WASN’T RECORDED.
I mean … I have so many questions, but we’ll just leave this to Chris Hayes and move on.
The Countess: “I was not in a good place.”
Bethenny then reminds The Countess that she LEFT the REHAB Bethenny managed to get her into for free TWO WEEKS EARLY SO THAT SHE COULD DO HER GODDAMNED CABARET. And The Countess shrugs that she had to work.
Bethenny at this point is a hyperventilating mess, having a full-on panic attack and sobbing which is, of course, where we insert the “TO BE CONTINUED” title card.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.