‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Margaritaville

The Real Housewives of New York
“Luann Land”
May 22, 2019

The episode begins mid-argument: The Countess pouting that she just wanted the women to “celebrate” her; Bethenny reminding her that she celebrated The Countess all damn summer; and The Countess huffing that she didn’t mean “celebrate” like THAT.

Bethenny again argues that she TRIED TO CELEBRATE The Countess at her Halloween performance. She was there for three and a half hours before she had to go home, and it hurts to have The Countess turn her need to be with her daughter into something negative. The Countess counters that it was hurtful to her that no one was at her Halloween show to “celebrate” her.


Rosamund Pike What the Fuck WTF

Tinsley, Sonja, Barbara, and Dorinda remind The Countess that THEY WERE ALL THERE, and in fact, some of them visited with her after, but she’s so determined to be the victim that she has apparently suffered a case of selective amnesia.

Bethenny isn’t done with The Countess, though, and mentions that she also heard that The Countess was talking shit in the Berkshires and demanding the room that Bethenny wanted at Dorinda’s house. The Countess explains that she only did so because it was the first time she had been back to Dorinda’s house since rehab, which … and? So?

bethenny not everything is about you rhony real housewives of beverly hills

Bethenny reminds The Countess that THEY ALL HAVE THEIR OWN SHIT: Dennis died that summer but she didn’t use that to demand the best room and FUCKING MASSAGES. Bethenny understands that The Countess was upset with Dorinda, but that doesn’t give her license to use Bethenny to test Dorinda’s friendship which oh my God that is exactly what was going on here.

The Countess eventually sorta kinda but not really apologizes just as Bethenny gets a call from a friend she needs to take, so Bethenny is like, “You know what, sure. Fine. Absolutely. I’ll take it.”

Bethenny slips into another room to take the call, and The Countess follows her to continue the conversation and explain that she needs a friendship with Bethenny that she can trust. Bethenny is like “OH YEAH? DO YOU? YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO TRUST OUR FRIENDSHIP? IT GOES BOTH WAYS, FRIEND.” And then The Countess pouts some more that it just would have been nice to have Bethenny at the Halloween event to “celebrate” her.

yeah we know

Eventually, everyone agrees to just move on, and the group breaks up before dinner: The Countess, Sonja, and Barbara hang back at the roundhouse; Tinsley, Dorinda, and Bethenny head to their hotel in Rhinebeck, a nearby town.

At the roundhouse, The Countess grouses at Barbara that she didn’t do enough to defend her, to which Barbara is like, “I mean, maybe, but you also didn’t give me a whole lot to work with.” And The Countess accuses Sonja of stirring the pot, to which, uh yeah? Have you met Sonja? That’s her entire thing. She’s proud of it:

sonja straw stirs drink rhony

The other women arrive at their hotel where they meet up with Ramona who has come straight from the birthday party she didn’t invite any of them to, with a birthday cake and a bunch of flowers she stole from the event.

The women get dressed for dinner, and on their way out the door, Ramona notices that the restaurant across the street is the same one where she held a luncheon after her mother’s funeral, a lunch that she paid for, but that her abusive father took credit for. It seems Rhinebeck is Ramona’s childhood home, and the restaurant where they go for dinner is one she and her family had frequented. Once inside the restaurant, Ramona is flooded with FEELINGS and insists that the table they are sitting at is very one her family would use when they visited the restaurant once a year.

Ramona begins opening up about her difficult family situation: her mother has been dead for 12 years now, her father for 10, and she didn’t go to her father’s funeral. Her father literally wrote in his will, “To Ramona, I bequeath nothing,” and he left his entire estate to her sister and brother. Then, to save money, her brother had their father cremated, contrary to her father’s wishes. As for her brother, he’s dead now, too, having died in a car accident. It’s a lot.

That’s when The Countess, Barbara, and Sonja, who is itching for a fight with Ramona over the birthday party, arrive. After greetings, Bethenny explains to the new arrivals that this is the table Ramona’s family used to come to when she was a child, and The Countess sneeringly asks if she’s having a meltdown. Ramona, who was understandably on the edge, assures everyone that she’s pulled herself together and will be fine.

With that, Sonja begins giving Ramona shit for not inviting her to her birthday party, and Ramona is, somehow, remarkably, surprised to be attacked for the snub. She just keeps insisting that she had nothing to do with the guest list (which is obviously a bald-faced lie) until Sonja grows weary of the lie and drops it.

Ramona then becomes nostalgic for Rhinebeck and how charming it is and how much better it is than The Countess’ new hometown, Kingston. The Countess protests that Kingston is “hipper” than Rhinebeck; it’s the Sag Harbor of upstate New York, to which Ramona replies, “Don’t be delusional.”

And listen, I don’t know: I haven’t been to either town and from what I can see on Google Images, they look an awful lot alike. However, Tinsley, who prides herself on being a nice Southern girl with nice Southern manners, admits she agrees with Ramona, so take that as you will.

The Countess reminds everyone that they are headed back to Kingston that evening for Miss Margarita’s performance, to which the women who are staying in Rhinebeck — around the corner from the restaurant they are currently in, in fact — say, “the fuck we are.” The Countess is upset: she’s organized this outing, she knows they’ll have a fabulous time, she doesn’t want to hurt Miss Margarita’s feelings, but Bethenny, Ramona, and Dorinda are like, “Yeah, we don’t give a shit about some stranger’s feelings and we’re not driving twenty minutes out of our way for another Goddamned cabaret performance when our hotel is right here. Sorry.”

But The Countess is able to prey on Tinsley’s politeness, so she joins Team Cabaret.

Team Too Old For That Shit goes to the restaurant where Ramona hosted her mother’s funeral luncheon (which is called Terrapin — which is a kind of turtle, so obviously it was kismet).

turtle time rhony

There, Ramona and Bethenny bond over their abusive childhoods. Both of their fathers were physically abusive towards their mothers, but Bethenny had an emotional lagniappe in that her mother would tell her that she ruined her life, and then take her out to European nightclubs with her when she was 13 and 14 years old. Cool.

Dorinda during this entire conversation:

dorinda real housewives of new york rhony shocked blinking

Over in Kingston, Team Cabaret arrives at some quaint club where they are greeted like reality stars that are about to shower the club with invaluable free publicity. They flirt shamelessly with some guy with ridiculous hair, dance with the queens who own the place and are entertained by an admittedly entertaining older woman, Margarita. Margarita adjusts her tiara and boa and proceeds to completely butcher The Countess’ signature song, “Money Can’t Buy You Class.”  And I will say this on Margarita’s behalf: it requires a degree of a certain kind of talent to be able to completely destroy a song that barely is a song, so well done? I guess?

The next morning, everyone meets up at the roundhouse for some breakfast, Ramona presents The Countess with the ugly-ass candlesticks, and The Countess brags about Margarita’s performance while mocking her accent: “Money can’t buy ju class … money can’t buy ju class …”

tina fey disappointed sigh blerg

They also touch upon Ramona and Bethenny’s big emotional conversation, but since it’s not about The Countess, she doesn’t give a shit. At some point, Dorinda announces she has to leave, she has an event to attend that evening. Ramona makes a face, and Dorinda is like, “BITCH, SAVE YOUR FACES. I GOT HERE AT 11:30 YESTERDAY, YOU GOT HERE AT 5.”

Dorinda explains in an interview that it’s not just this one thing with Ramona, but shit is building up between them.

Meanwhile, Tinsley and Sonja remind Ramona that Dorinda is still sore at being yelled at by Ramona at the charity event, but to be fair, they were all assholes that night.

Poor Bridie.

Bridie Shock RHONY

Dorinda adds that she’s also still pissed about the whole Angel Ball snubbery, before doing an impersonation of Ramona which basically is just Dorinda screaming, “EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! WAITER!”

Which, you know:

accurate stefon snl saturday night live yep yes

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.

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