‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: The Big Top Flop

The Real Housewives of New York
“Tears of a Clown”
May 1, 2019

Bethenny’s shitty ex-husband has dragged her to court, again, this time trying to force  her to to be drug tested because her ex-boyfriend died of an overdose. Fortunately for Bethenny, the judge rejects this bullshit, accusing her shitty ex-husband of exploiting the tragedy just to harrass her. Unfortunately, for Bethenny, between work, her relief efforts, Dennis’ death, and dealing with the likes of her insane castmates, this is just one stressor too many, and she calls her business manager to discuss possibly selling off some of Skinny Girl. IT’S ALL TOO MUCH.

fair enough law and order svu

Sometime later, Bethenny has a meeting with her business dude who tells her about the two offers on her desk, but there are no specifics that I can understand? Something about maybe selling some part of the company while still maintaining creative control? It’s unclear. But BUSINESS! And STRESS! And BUSINESS!

Elsewhere, The Countess plays some tennis with Jill, who very nearly kills her purse dog with one wildly misplaced volley. After, Jill asks The Countess how she manages her sobriety while playing nightclubs, and The Countess is like, “WELL, IT AIN’T EASY.” She goes on to talk about how she’s incapable of having even one drink because she’ll want to finish the bottle.

same arrested development in-same
ME DURING THIS PANDEMIC.

Also, Jill is dating some guy named Gary. I mean, sure. Good for her, I guess. Are we supposed to care? Because I gotta tell ya, I don’t really care.

Another pointless storyline — well, scratch that, it’s not pointless, there is a point, and that point is: SYNERGY, MOTHERFUCKERS! — is Dorinda and Sonja going to a screening of The Hustle. No, not the Jennifer Lopez pole dancing movie, HustlersThe Hustle, starring Anne Hathaway and Rebel Wilson. You remember, that completely unnecessary (and unwatched) remake of Dirty Rotten Scandals which just so happened to be distributed by Bravo’s sister company, Universal Pictures? Well, Dorinda just so happened to have a pair of screener tickets to it. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?

After the movie, the women do their level best to make the movie relevant to their own show and try to compare the movie’s characters to their castmates, but basically just end talking shit about Tinsley, and how she’s constantly playing the victim and how her relationship with Scott is an unhealthy disaster.

i mean you're not wrong

Speaking of Tinsley, she and Mother have breakfast: scrambled eggs and pinot grigio, and what’s so wrong with that? As if you’ve eaten better breakfasts for the past six weeks. Mother assures Tinsley that her father would be proud of her, and we once again discuss Tinsley’s anger at her father because that conversation never grows tedious.

They also discuss Tinsley’s breakup with Scott, and how Tinsley believed he supported her, but obviously did not. Mother is ready to write him off, because fuck that guy, but Tinsley begins crying about how he DID support her …

alist-ryan-nogirl

… and in fact, after their breakup, he sent her a text message showing a conversation he had with a jeweler about buying her an engagement ring.

girl-please-gif-no stop drag race

But Mother is NOT HAVING IT and tells Tinsley that at the end of the day, he didn‘t give her a ring and it’s time to move on.

Over in Ramona-land, she and Barbara meet with a personal shopper, and Barbara tries on a bunch of outfits while Ramona tries to pretend to care. At one point, Barbara tells Ramona that she reminds Barbara of her mother — like Ramona, Barbara’s mother didn’t have a filter and while she didn’t mean to hurt your feelings she could make you feel terrible. Somehow, MIRACULOUSLY, Ramona is not insulted by this but has the closest thing to a revelation that a self-absorbed 62-year-old millionaire can experience: Ramona realizes her father also lacked a filter and hurt people’s feelings and maybe, just possibly, sometimes she can be a bit too much like him.

There is not a single solitary chance Ramona Singer is going to change her behavior.

So, The Countess is hosting a Halloween party where she is going to “perform” live. Sure. To this end, she and Sonja dress up in Party City sexy nurse costumes for a photoshoot? For promo materials? I don’t know, it isn’t actually explained what is happening here, it’s just endlessly cringey.

80s-awakward-cringe-oh-no

FINALLY, what we all came here for: the Big Apple Circus.

Tinsley gets dolled up and then meets the other women in the circus lobby bar? Is that a thing that circuses have? Because it has been a good ten years since I took my kids to a circus and considering at one point, a clown literally climbed over seats to harass us before the show started, I COULD HAVE REALLY USED A DRINK OR FIVE.

The clowns in attendance here include: Sonja, Ramona, Dorinda and Fudgie the Whale and Mother. Tinsley greets everyone, downs a couple of drinks, and then heads backstage to get into her insane doll makeup.

Meanwhile, the other ladies comment on how “light” and “alive” Tinsley appears, before toasting their ringmaster.

Then the BIG MOMENT: Tinsley, in her wackadoodle doll makeup and giant doll bow and pink doll dress, is lowered down to the ring in a hoop, where she unlatches herself and announces, “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I’M TINSLEY MORTIMER, THE GUEST RINGMASTER FOR THIS EVENING! WELCOME TO THE BIG APPLE CIRCUS! NOW ON WITH THE SHOW!”

And then she sits down in the audience with everyone else.

Because that’s it.

That’s the big moment.

She doesn’t do anything else.

that's it friends phoebe that's all

that's it keenan snl

Tinsley and the other women then proceed to have 500 to 700 hundred glasses of wine. This leads to Ramona escaping early for a date, the other women sexually harassing the trapeze artists and Sonja believing that she is part of the clown troupe. You know, the usual.

Once the show is over, Sonja and Dorinda go home, leaving Tinsley and Mother in the audience, drunk. Very drunk. Tinsley begins weepily complaining that Mother doesn’t think she did a good job, to which Mother responds, “Tinsley, you’re 43.”

lafayette oh snap true blood honey no you didn't

Tinsley begins sobbing that she needs Mother’s approval, but Mother is like, “OK, you know this has nothing to do with me and is all about Scott dumping your ass.”

Tinsley tearfully explains that she is doing things that she thought would make her happy, for instance: wearing giant, age-inappropriate bows and dresses and being in a circus for two minutes. These are things that should make Tinsley ECSTATIC, but she’s not! SHE COULDN’T BE SADDER. SHE’S LITERALLY FUCKING MISERABLE.

Mother: “Don’t curse.”

Me:

mulaney don't have time to unpack all of that

Tinsley rips the giant stupid bow out of her hair while Mother tells her to stop being so negative. Tinsley sobs that she doesn’t think she’s ever going to be happy again, but Mother insists she will, she’s just mad that Scott wasn’t here and she needs to get over it and move on. “IT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY NICE IF SCOTT WERE HERE,” Tinsley sob-yells, but Mother is like, “Welp, he wasn’t. And listen, there are people who have had terrible things happen to them, but you don’t. So stop this.” Mother eventually hugs a crying Tinsley, but she does so while simultaneously telling her that she’s strong and to CUT IT OUT ALREADY.

kim there's people that are dying kardashians

And listen, it’s not that Mother is wrong, she’s just not great at offering comfort. Sometimes, rich bitches be like that.

lucille-skeptical-arrested-development-eye-roll

So, will someone — ANYONE — please make a therapist appointment for Tinsley? I know she’s not the type to willingly go, so just lie and say that y’all are going shopping for Peter Pan-collared dresses or Mary Janes and then lock her in a room with someone who will help her talk through this shit because Pinot Grigio and clown makeup clearly isn’t doing the trick.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.

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